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“The Queen of Hearts’ Douche is missing!” yelled the Five of Hearts. “The Queen of Hearts’ Douche is missing!”
“What are you saying boy?” inquired the Jack of Hearts.
“Like I said, yer Majesty. The Queen of Hearts’ Douche is missing,” explained the Five.
“Hmm,” pondered the Jack. “Is it possible that you mean the Queen of Hearts’ Deuce?”
The Five of Hearts quickly looked around at the others as he heard snickering spreading through the crowd.
“Well, sir, that is quite possible,” said the squirming Five. He could see the crowd was barely holding back its laughter. “Well, what do you expect from me? I’m only a Number.” The crowd burst into rollicking laughter.
“Now, now,” said the Jack of Hearts, barely holding back his own laughter. “If what the Five says is true, then this could be of grave concern.” The crowd settled down and gave the Jack their undivided attention.
“What makes you think the Deuce of Hearts is missing?”
“He was not at roll call this morning,” explained the Five. “I’ve asked around and no one has seen him since, not even the Three.”
“Is the Three of Hearts here?” asked the Jack.
“Here I am your Majesty,” responded the Three.
“Being that you are the one closest to the Deuce,” said the Jack. “Would you know of his whereabouts?”
“My lord, I have not seen him since yesterday,” replied the Three. “I’m getting worried because he was always on time for the roll call.”
“Then this is becoming quite a serious matter,” mused the Jack. “I will immediately bring this matter to the King and Queen of Hearts.”
“What’s going to happen, yer Majesty, if the Douche, uh I mean, the Deuce can’t be found?” asked the Five.
“I’m afraid it would bring total disorder to everything,” replied the Jack. “Without a full deck the Game is surely over.” An eerie silence fell upon the crowd. Not one among them had ever contemplated what would happen if the Game were over.
“Please, do not worry yourselves,” comforted the Jack. “I’m sure the King and Queen will straighten matters out. Now please excuse me, I must report to the King.”
###############
The Jack of Hearts made his way to the Hearts Castle to see the King and Queen.
“Your Majesties, may I present the Jack of Hearts?”
“Ah, come in, my dear friend,” replied the King.
“Your Majesty,” said the Jack as he bowed to the King and kissed the Queen’s outstretched hand. “I have come with somewhat dire news.”
“Please tell us the news,” responded the Queen.
“According to the Numbers, the Deuce of Hearts has been missing for the better part of a day,” informed the Jack.
“He is not found anywhere?” asked the King.
“No one has seen him,” replied the Jack. “I am starting to fear the worse.”
“This is not good at all,” said the Queen. “Can there be a Game without a full deck?”
“I personally have never heard of one,” mused the King. “We must immediately take council to see what can be done.”
###############
The King and Queen of Hearts joined the Ace and Jack of Hearts around the table to discuss the problem of the missing deuce.
“I suspect the Spades or the Clubs have taken him prisoner,” reflected the Ace.
“Why would you think that?” asked the Jack.
“Well, we all know they are never up to any good,” replied the Ace. “I mean from their color to their attitudes, you know they are always plotting something evil.”
“I don’t believe we can rule anyone out,” stated the King.
“But what would they hope to accomplish?” asked the Queen.
“That is what we must find out,” replied the King. “Our whole Order of Things depends on what we do here today!”
“It just tears at my heart to think of our Deuce out there somewhere, all alone,” said the Queen.
“Oh your majesty, please believe me, ‘two’ is not the loneliest number that you’ll ever find,” replied the Ace.
“Well, what if, heaven forbid, someone or something has bent him?” asked the Queen.
“I shudder at the thought,” replied the Jack.
At that moment they were interrupted with an announcement from the court crier.
“Your Majesty, the Ace of Clubs and the Ace of Diamonds request an audience,” shouted the crier.
The King, Queen, Jack, and Ace of Hearts looked at each other in total surprise.
“What could they want?” mused the Ace.
“Well, let’s see,” replied the King. “Please show them in.”
The Ace of Clubs and Ace of Diamonds came in and approached the throne.
“Thank you for seeing us,” said the Ace of Clubs.
“Excuse me,” interrupted the Ace of Diamonds. “I believe under the circumstances it would be best if I spoke first. After all I am a diamond.”
“Oh, excuse me,” replied the Ace of Clubs. “I forgot I was in the presence of a diamond. You pompous fiber of recycled waste. ‘I’m a diamond!’ You idiot! Don’t you know a diamond is just a weird looking square?”
“Oh, you silly little man,” shot back the Ace of Diamonds. “Don’t press your luck!”
“Excuse me,” interrupted the Jack of Hearts. “Our King is waiting to hear you.”
“With all due diligence then,” replied the Ace of Diamonds. “We are here to demand the return of our Deuce of Diamonds.”
“And the Deuce of Clubs,” interjected the Ace of Clubs.
“What are you two talking about?” asked the King of Hearts.
“Oh, sir. Please do not insult our intelligence,” retorted the Ace of Diamonds. “The Deuce of Diamonds is to be returned to me immediately.”
“You’d better be careful of who you’re demanding things from,” growled an angry Ace of Hearts.
“Oh! Please,” replied the Ace of Diamonds. “I don’t have time for pomp and circumstance. Just give me our Deuce and I will take my leave.”
“I’ll give you two seconds to apologize to my King,” shouted the Ace of Hearts. “Then I’m going to make a deuce out of you!”
At that moment the Court Crier interrupted, “Sire, the Ace of Spades requests an audience.”
Everyone stopped and looked at each other in shock.
“O my,” said the Queen of Hearts. “The Ace of Spades. I’ve heard people die when he comes around.”
“There is nothing to fear madam,” replied the Ace of Diamonds. “The Ace of Clubs will protect us with his life if necessary.”
“Thanks a lot,” retorted the Ace of Clubs.
“Crier, please show the Ace of Spades in,” ordered the King of Hearts.
All eyes were on the Ace of Spades as he walked up to the throne. His very presence looked bigger than life itself, even though, everyone knew he was the same size as they were.
“Thank you for seeing me, your Majesty,” said the Ace of Spades in his deep husky voice.
“With what do I owe the honor of your visit?” asked the King of Hearts.
“Our Deuce of Spades is missing,” informed the Ace of Spades. “I’ve come to ask your assistance in finding him.”
“Yours is missing, too?” asked the King. “Our Deuce of Hearts has been missing since yesterday.”
“So you have the same problem,” replied the Ace of Spades. He turned and looked at the Ace of Diamonds and the Ace of Clubs. “Maybe someone else knows something about this.” The Ace of Diamonds silently slipped and put the Ace of Clubs between him and the Ace of Spades.
“The two Aces were here telling us that their Deuces are missing, too,” replied the King. “It appears we all have a dilemma.”
“Indeed, your Majesty,” said the Ace of Spades. “Something sinister is about.”
“In fact, before all of you arrived we were having a council to determine what course of action we could take in recovering our Deuce,” explained the Queen of Hearts.
“We were discussing whether the Game could continue without our Deuce,” explained the Jack of Hearts. “But I’m afraid it is far more serious with all the deuces missing.”
“Yes, indeed,” replied the Ace of Clubs. “What shall we do?”
“First of all,” said the King. “Has anyone received a ransom note?”
“We have not heard anything at all,” replied the Ace of Clubs. All the other Aces echoed his reply.
“I was going to suggest, that first of all, we dispatch a pilgrimage to the Instruction Cards,” offered the Jack. “They certainly will give us guidance as to whether the Game can continue without our deuces.”
“I believe that is a wise course of action,” replied the King. “And at the same time, we need to be searching for our deuces.”
“I would certainly be the first one to volunteer,” said the Ace of Diamonds. “But my presence would definitely slow the search down. I am bound to be recognized by the masses.”
“Oh, I think I’m going to throw up,” said the Ace of Clubs.
“No, I believe the Ace of Diamonds is correct about this,” offered the King. “Any royalty would bring too much attention to themselves. This must be done in a clandestine manner.”
“Then we should send some of the Numbers,” suggested the Ace of Hearts. “They will have to be ones that we can trust without hesitation.”
“Indeed they must,” said the Queen. “Our very Order of Things will depend on them.”
“It would appear that the most logical would be to send the ‘Threes,’” offered the Jack. “They know the ‘Twos’ better than anyone else.”
“Yes, and no one will pay any particular attention to them,” offered the Ace of Hearts.
“This seems to be our best course of action,” said the King. “Will all of your Kings agree to this?”
“Yes they will,” replied the Ace of Spades. The others agreed too.
“Of course, I believe it would be best to have our Three go to the Instruction Cards,” suggested the Ace of Diamonds. “His natural born elegance will be needed in speaking with such spiritual beings.”
“If that’s what it takes to get this going,” agreed the King. “Perhaps it would be best if the Three of Spades went with him.”
“Sir, please. A Diamond traveling with a Spade?” laughed the Ace of Diamonds.
“I think it is a very good idea,” said the Ace of Spades as he looked directly at the Ace of Diamonds. “Do you have any real objections?”
“No. It’s fine with me,” replied the Ace of Diamonds.
“Then it is settled,” said the King. “The Three of Diamonds and Spades will travel to the Instruction Cards. The Three of Hearts and Clubs will search for the missing Deuces.”
“And might I suggest, sire,” offered the Jack. “That the Jacks of all suits speak to the masses and reassure them that the best thing we can do is to continue our normal way of life.”
“Agreed,” said the King. “By having the Jacks speak instead of the Kings will keep the masses from overreacting to the situation.”
“And may we all pray to the Great Dealer for His guidance,” suggested the Queen.
“Yes, indeed,” replied the King.
“And one more thing.”
“Yes, Ace of Spades?”
“When you find the kidnappers, I want to spend some time with them. I want to get up close and personal with them.”
###############
“Our quest has begun,” said the Three of Spades. “Isn’t this invigorating? I can feel the blood pumping through my veins.”
“Yes, I find it quite stimulating,” replied the Three of Diamonds. “I find it very natural that I should be sent to the great Instruction Cards on such an important mission.”
”Yeah, whatever,” retorted the Three of Spades. “I hope no one has in mind trying to stop us. It would not bid well for them to try.”
“You Spades are always ready for the battle,” smirked the Diamond.
“Well, if trouble brews, you’ll be thankful to have me here,” replied the Spade.
###############
The Three of Diamonds and Spades continued their arduous journey toward the top of the deck to seek out the Instruction Cards. As they turned a corner a figure jumped onto the highway surprising them both.
“Hey, Hey, Hey! Who do we have here?”
“My God, Joker, you startled me to my bones,” cried out the Three of Diamonds.
“You’re fortunate I didn’t tear you to shreds,” offered the Three of Spades.
“Oh, I’m scared, I’m scared,” mocked the Joker.
Out from the other side of the highway emerged the other Joker.
“Oh, I’m torn to shreds,” cried Joker #2 as he staggered back and forth across the highway.
“Please, my brother, don’t fall to pieces,” said Joker #1. “Pull yourself together.”
Both Jokers fell to the ground laughing so hard that it brought tears to their eyes.
“Laugh if you must,” interjected the Three of Diamonds. “But this Three of Spades was personally trained for war by the Ace of Spades himself.”
“Ooooooo,” replied Joker #2.
“Bring it on. I’ll kick your Ace!” laughed Joker #1.
“Oh, that is such an old joke, my brother,” said Joker #2.
“You mean I made an Ace of myself?” asked Joker #1. Both Jokers bent over with laughter.
“How dare you mock our sacred pilgrimage,” responded the Three of Diamonds.
“Sacred pilgrimage? Ooooooo,” replied Joker #1.
“Yes, indeed,” retorted the Diamond. “Our Kings and Queens have personally sent us on this mission.”
“Ooooooo,” replied Joker #2.
“We are to see the Instruction Cards,” explained the Diamond.
“Ooooooo,” replied Joker #1.
“Why would the Destruction Cards meet with you Numbers?” asked Joker #2. “You’re not even half way up the deck.”
“They will see us,” replied the Three of Spades.
“1—2—3—4 I don’t wanta be a Number no more,” sang Joker #1.
“5—6—7—8 I’ve gotta pee-pee and I can’t wait,” sang Joker #2.
“We have dallied too long,” said the Diamond. “We must take our leave.”
“Knock-knock,” said Joker #1.
“Who’s there?” replied Joker #2.
“Numbers go,” said Joker #1.
“Numbers go who?” asked Joker #2.
“No silly, Numbers go to the Destruction Cards!” laughed Joker #1.
“Look, get out of our way,” said an angry Three of Spades. “NOW!”
“Ooooooo,” said both Jokers.
The Three of Spades and Diamonds pushed their way past the Jokers and continued walking up the highway.
“Come back Diamond,” yelled Joker #2. “I want to mark my territory. I want to pee on you!”
“Then you’ll be a marked card,” laughed Joker #1. Both Jokers fell down again in the middle of the highway doubled over with laughter.
###############
Finally the Threes made their way to the top of deck. Once there they approached the spiritual Instruction Cards.
“Excuse us, your Highness,” spoke the Three of Diamonds. “We have come from afar to seek your guidance.”
“How might we help you, my son?” replied Instruction Card #1.
“Our Kings and Queens dispatched us to you for a very important question,” explained the Diamond.
“And your question is?” asked Instruction Card #2.
“You see,” interrupted the Three of Spades. “All the deuces are missing. We can’t find them anywhere.”
“This is very serious,” replied Instruction Card #2.
“Therefore, our leaders want to know what effect this will have on the Game,” explained the Diamond. “Can the Game continue to be played without a full deck?”
“Yes, indeed, how will this effect the Game?” pondered Instruction Card #1. “Please let us consult in private over this.”
“Sure.”
It seemed a very long time before the Instruction Cards came back with their answer for the Threes.
“We have reached a conclusion,” said Instruction Card #1.
“And that is?” asked the Diamond.
“We have sealed the answer in this envelope,” explained Instruction Card #2. “Please take it to your Kings and Queens.”
“It will be our honor to do so,” replied the Diamond.
“And please be cautious,” said Instruction Card #1. “Our answer is for their eyes only.”
“Don’t worry. We understand,” assured the Three of Spades.
###############
The Three of Diamonds and Spades made their long trek back down the path to the Castle of the Hearts. Here all the Kings and Queens of the different suits had gathered waiting on the Threes return from the Instruction Cards.
“Your Majesties, I present to you the Three of Diamonds and the Three of Spades,” announced the Court Crier.
“Welcome back,” said the King of Hearts.
“Yes, I hope your journey went well,” interjected the Queen of Hearts.
“So what was their answer?” asked the King of Spades.
“They sealed their answer in this envelope that is to be delivered to your Majesty,” replied the Three of Diamonds.
The Three handed the envelope to the King of Hearts.
“Thank you for a job well done,” said the King of Hearts. “We will reward you two for all your faithful efforts, but for now, please excuse us so we can ponder the Instruction Cards’ answer.”
The Three of Diamonds and the Three of Spades bowed and then took their leave.
“Well, what do they say?” asked the impatient King of Diamonds.
The King of Hearts opened the envelope and read the answer from the Instruction Cards. His face turned pale and he slowly dropped the paper and envelope to the floor. The Jack of Hearts picked up the paper and read it.
“What does it say?” asked the Queen of Spades.
“It says, ‘The Game is over!’”
################
“It’s hard to believe that everything is depending on us,” pondered the Three of Hearts.
“I’ve been lucky all my life,” replied the Three of Clubs. “But I believe it’s going to take all my luck and all your skill to find the Deuces.”
“I think we should start out by speaking with the Five of Hearts,” suggested the Three of Hearts.
“Sounds good.”
Before long the Three of Hearts and Three of Clubs found the Five of Hearts.
“Have you heard anything or seen anything that we should know?” asked the Three of Clubs.
“Well, I’m not one to talk,” replied the Five. “But word on the street is the Six of Diamonds is mad at the other Sixes.”
“Why”
“I haven’t been able to find out,” answered the Five. “You know there’s always been something mysterious about the Sixes.”
“They do keep to themselves most of the time,” mused the Three of Hearts.
“Do you know where we can find the Six of Diamonds?” asked the Club.
“As far as I know he’ll be at his regular place,” replied the Five of Hearts.
The Three of Hearts and Clubs thanked the Five of Hearts for his information and headed off to find the Six of Diamonds.
###############
“May we have a word with you?” asked the Three of Clubs.
“I don’t have anything to say,” replied the Six of Diamonds.
“About what?” asked the Three of Hearts.
“I have nothing to say about nothing,” offered the Six. “I do not know what the others are up to and I do not want to know.”
“The others? You mean the other Diamonds?” asked the Club.
“No, no, no,” replied the Six. “The other Sixies. The special club they have formed. They are up to no good.”
“What are they doing?” asked the Heart.
“I don’t know,” replied the Six. “And that’s all I’m going to say. I’ve already said too much.”
“If you know anything else, you need to go ahead and tell us,” demanded the Club.
“No! You leave me alone,” cried the Six. “Just leave me alone!”
The Six of Diamonds turned and ran away from the Threes.
“What do you make of that?” asked the Three of Hearts.
“I am certain something dreadful is happening,” offered the Three of Clubs.
“I believe you are correct,” interrupted the deep husky voice of the Ace of Spades.
“Oh, sire. We did not know you were here,” said the Heart.
“I just came up at the end of your conversation with the Six,” explained the Ace. “Did he have any helpful information?”
“Not really,” answered the Club. “He felt like the other Sixes were plotting some evil or something.”
“Very interesting,” mused the Ace. “I might be able to help some with that.”
“How?”
“Here is the location of the Sixes,” said the Ace as he handed the Threes a piece of paper. “An informant gave this to me, though he was at first unwilling to do so.”
“Oh, thank you, sire,” said the Heart.
“I would go myself, but you can go unnoticed,” offered the Ace. “May the Dealer be with you.”
###############
The Three of Clubs and the Three of Hearts arrived at the location given to them by the Ace of Spades. Slowly and quietly they entered into the inner room.
“Welcome Threes,” came a voice from behind a curtain. “We have been waiting for you to arrive.”
“Please show yourself,” requested the Three of Hearts.
From behind the curtain came the Six of Hearts along with the Six of Clubs and the Six of Spades.
“Please make yourself comfortable,” said the Six of Hearts.
“We have been sent by the Kings and Queens of the different suits to find the missing Deuces,” replied the Three of Clubs. “Do you know anything about them?”
“Indeed you have been sent,” replied the Six of Spades. “And indeed we do know about them.”
“Then you must turn them over to us immediately,” demanded the Three of Hearts.
“You can have them,” said the Six of Clubs. “But first, please honor us with your presence at our dinner table. We know you have come a long way and you must be famished.”
“We have not come here to eat,” objected the Three of Hearts. “We have come here to rescue the Deuces.”
“Yes, by all means,” replied the Six of Hearts. “But you can join us in a meal, can you not? Please?”
The Three of Hearts looked at the Three of Clubs. They both nodded their heads in agreement and sat down with the Sixes for a meal.
“We have reports that you Sixes have a secret club,” offered the Three of Clubs.
“Well, it has been secret,” confessed the Six of Spades. “But we are getting very close to where it will become public knowledge for all.”
“What kind of club is it?” asked the Three of Hearts.
“It is an organization to bring about a New Order of Things,” answered the Six of Hearts. “It is known as the ‘666 Club.’”
“Named after you three Sixes, I suppose,” snarled the Three of Clubs.
“Well, it seemed the natural thing,” replied the Six of Clubs.
“What’s wrong with the Old Order that it has to be replaced with a New One?” asked the Three of Hearts.
“The Old Order is stagnant, boring, the same old Game with no room to grow,” explained the Six of Spades. “It is time for a change.”
“I haven’t heard anyone complain,” objected the Three of Clubs.
“If you do not know that there can be something better, then you have no motive to complain,” replied the Six of Hearts. “Only true dreamers can imagine what is not seen.”
“And of course, this ‘666 Club’ is made up of the true dreamers,” the Three of Hearts said sarcastically.
“Yes, indeed.”
“Well, it sounds like hogwash to me,” interjected the Three of Clubs. “You have too many powerful people who will fight against you.”
“And we have powerful ones who will fight for us,” replied the Six of Hearts.
“Like who?”
“Like me, for one,” came the sound of the deep husky voice of the Ace of Spades.
“Sire, you are one of them?” asked a shocked Three of Clubs.
“One of us?” laughed the Six of Clubs. “Why, he’s our Leader.”
“But sire, you sent us here to this location to find the Sixes,” objected the Three of Hearts.
“Yes. It is all part of the plan,” replied the Ace of Spades. “We needed you here so the New Order could continue to be built as planned.”
“But we came here to rescue the Deuces,” said the Three of Clubs.
“They need no rescue,” said the Six of Hearts. “They are all here safe and sound.”
“I demand to see the Deuce of Hearts,” said the Three of Hearts.
“I am right over here,” came the voice of the Deuce of Hearts. The Threes turned to their right to see the Deuce. He appeared to be fine.
“And I am right over here,” came another voice of the Deuce of Hearts. The Threes quickly turned to their left to see another Deuce of Hearts.
“What is going on here?” asked a bewildered Three of Clubs.
“What you are seeing is the beginning of the New Order,” explained the Six of Clubs. “The Old Order insisted on just one of us. The New Order dictates that there be two of everyone.”
“How is this possible?” stuttered the Three of Hearts.
“Very simple,” replied the Six of Spades. “We took a small sample of fiber from the original Deuce of Hearts and used it to clone another Deuce of Hearts. Thus the New Order will have two Deuce of Hearts.”
“This is just not natural,” objected the Three of Clubs.
“That is the Old Order thinking,” replied the Six of Hearts. “In the New Order it will be the natural thing.”
“You see it has started with the Deuces,” interjected the Ace of Spades. “Next to be cloned are you Threes. And so on it will go until there are two of everyone, even the Jokers.”
“We will get the Kings and Queens to stop you,” cried the Three of Clubs.
“Oh, I don’t think so,” replied the Ace of Spades. “By now you will notice that you can hardly move. You’re getting sleepy and will soon be asleep.”
“We put a little something special in your food,” explained the Six of Spades. “This will make you more cooperative when we take some fiber for cloning.”
“By the way, the Three of Diamonds and the Three of Spades will be here shortly,” said the Ace of Spades. “I told them these Threes needed their help.”
“Ah, things are preceding as planned, sire,” responded the Six of Hearts.
“Yes, indeed,” replied the Ace of Spades. “The New Order, our New World is finally taking shape. May I toast you for your hard work?”
The Sixes and the Ace of Spades raised their glasses together in a toast.
“Here is to your diligent efforts,” said the Ace of Spades. “And here is to our New World. The World of Canasta!”
THE END. . . . . or perchance. . . . .
A BEGINNING?
Copyright ©2003 by Jerry W. Crews
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