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Jon D. Stupor placed his empty glass on the bar. He turned and swaggered toward the table with the brunette sitting by herself.
“Hello, baby.”
“Did it take you all evening to think of that?”
“Heck, no, sweetheart. I’m a natural!”
“A natural idiot.”
“Ooo, I love it when you talk mean. Why
don’t you and me blow this joint. We could
check out your place, if you know what I mean?”
“Buzz off, jerk!”
“Ooo, baby, you’re definitely turning me on. I
mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to screw
you. I just want you to hold me inside you ‘til the
swelling goes down.”
“Hey!! That’s the same line my husband
used on me when we first met!!”
“You know Cliff?!?”
“That’s my husband!”
“Well, I’ll be. It’s a small world, ain’t it?
Cliff, helped me out and gave me all his
favorite lines.”
“His favorite lines?!?”
“Yeah, you ought to see him work the tables
in here. He’s amazing! And the babes he gets.
Whew-wee! I’m just trying to get laid one time!”
“So, he works the tables here, does he?
I can’t wait to see him tonight!”
“Ooo, you’re getting mad.”
“Mad is not the word for it.”
“Hmmm, you wanta go work out some of
your frustration?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then how about some revenge against old Cliffy?”
“No.”
“Then how about because I’m sad and lonely
and you feel sorry for me?”
“No.”
“Any chance at all?”
“No.”
“Hmmm, well then, can I just touch your tits?”
Jon D. Stupor made his way back to the bar. His cheek was still smarting from the impact. She was a little woman, but she sure knew how to wallop a punch.
###############
Jon D. Stupor downed a bloody Mary and turned to scan the room. He focused his attention on a bleach blonde sitting by herself. She was a little older than he liked, but she looked like she had potential.
“Would you mind if I sit here and admire the
scenery?”
“You can sit anywhere you want.”
“Tell me, good looking, where have you been
all my life?
“As far away from you as I can.”
“Ooo, treat me rough, sweetheart.”
“Is there something worthwhile you want?”
“Well, seriously, I saw you sitting here, and
I thought that you might like to fill out one of
the applications I’m handing out.”
“Application?”
“Yeah, I’m only giving out a few.”
“For what job?”
“It’s an application to be the mother of my
children.”
“Yeah. Right!!”
“We could make some beautiful kids together.”
“Why don’t you go screw yourself and see
what the children look like?”
“Hey, I can understand if you’re one of those
women who never wants children. I’m an
understanding kind of guy. But we sure could
have fun trying to knock you up.”
“Hey, I know you. You tried dating my
daughter.”
“Your daughter?”
“Yeah, Meg.”
“Meg’s your daughter?”
“That’s right. You’re the one we almost
had arrested for stalking her.”
“Me?!? Stalking her?”
“That’s what she said.”
“That’s funny. That’s real funny. The girl
couldn’t keep her hands off of me.”
“Well, she tells a completely different story.”
“Well, what do you expect? The girl’s embarrassed
because she’s got the crabs.”
“What are you talking about? She doesn’t
have crabs!”
“Yes, she does.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Believe it, lady. I know. I know what it’s
like to have crabs.”
“Oh, come on!”
“It’s true.”
“You’ve got crabs?”
“Not anymore. I gave them to your daughter.”
John D. Stupor made his way slowly back to the bar. Now his other cheek was red and hurting. He never knew a woman could be that protective of her family.
###############
John D. Stupor finished another bloody Mary and took in a panoramic view of the tables. With budding confidence he approached the woman with the braided coal black hair.
“What’s a fine lady like you doing in a joint
like this?”
“Just waiting for a guy to buy me a
drink.”
“Well, I’m here baby. My, you have a nice
deep voice.”
“It’s just one of my many talents.”
“My, my. You’re just about the friendliest thing
I’ve met all night.”
“That’s another one of my talents. I
can be real friendly.”
“Whew. You sure are refreshing. Most gals in
here are so uptight.”
“I’ve never understood why people act
the way they do. After all, everybody’s
just looking for a little skin to skin.”
“Yeah, you’re so right. I mean it’s only sharing
a little bodily fluids. Nothing to get freaky over.”
“You’d think the way some act, they had
the Holy Grail between their legs.”
“I tell you, you’re easy to talk with. And you’re
not bad looking, even with that little mustache
you’ve got.”
“Oh, sorry about that. I usually try to
keep it shaved off.”
“Well, it’s not really that bad. It might tickle
a little if I tried to kiss you.”
“Well, why don’t we go somewhere more
private and see if you’re man enough for
a little tickling?”
“Oh, baby, there’s no doubt. I’m man enough!
I’m so horny if you touch my dick I’ll probably
explode!”
“I think it would be exciting to rub your
big old horny pecker.”
“Oh, sweetheart, you’d be willing to do that
for little old me?”
“Sure would. But you’ve got to promise
to do something for me.”
“Baby, I’d do about anything for you. What do
you want?”
“If I play with your pecker, then you’ve
got to play with mine, too.”
“Play with your what?!?”
“It’s only fair. I rub your dick and you
get to rub mine.”
“You’ve got a dick?!?”
“Yeah, baby. It’s big and firm and just
waiting for you to get your hands on it.”
“Excuse me!”
John D. Stupor hastily made his way back to the bar. He ordered two bloody Mary’s and fought hard to keep them on his stomach.
###############
John D. Stupor once again turned his attention to the ladies at the tables. He realized his luck had not been good with one woman so he decided to approach two.
“My, my. I believe you two are the finest looking
babes in this whole joint. Mine if I sit awhile?”
“Actually, we were wanting to sit here
alone.”
“Thank you. Don’t mind if I do sit a spell. Which
one of you two sweethearts is looking for a little
action tonight?”
“Well, I believe we both were hoping to
get lucky.”
“Well, Lady Luck is smiling on you tonight.
I am here.”
“I don’t think you understand.”
“Hey, I understand everything. I mean I’ve
never done a threesome before, but why not?
Orgy City here we come!!”
“Uh, no I don’t think so.”
“O come on! There’s no need to be afraid. I’ll
be gentle.”
“No, that’s not what we want.”
“OK. If you want it rough and tough I’m willing
to give it a tumble. S & M is my specialty!”
“We want it rough, but not with you.”
“Oh, you’re killing me here! If not with me, who
else could you possibly want?”
“We want each other. Without you!”
“You two?!? Together?!?”
“That’s right, buster. We don’t play with
men.”
“So, you’re uh, you’re uh, . . . .”
“Yeah, we’re lesbians. Any problem with
that?”
“Uh, no, none at all. You two go on and do your
thing. Can I come with you and watch?”
“No you cannot!”
“Hmmm, well, sorry to interrupt your little interlude
here. But could you at least help me out with my
work?”
“Your work? What kind of work do you
do?”
“Well, the official title is Aroma Tester of
Special Products.”
“So, what do you do, go around smelling
perfumes and things like that?”
“Yeah, usually it’s perfumes. But now they got
me working on a special project.”
“And you’re wanting us to help you.”
“That’s right.”
“You’ve got to smell something on us?”
“That’s right.”
“So, what is it you’ve got to smell?”
“Douches.”
John D. Stupor painfully walked back to the bar. His belly still rippled from the impact. He had always thought the “lesbian butch” was the one who could hit the hardest. Now he knew he was wrong.
###############
Jon D. Stupor ordered a vodka. Straight. Finishing his drink, he turned and immediately directed his attention to the red-haired lady with blonde and blue streaks.
“Hello, honey.”
“Well, hello, sugar.”
“I haven’t seen you in here before.”
“You’re right. This is my first time here.
I thought I’d try a new club tonight.”
“Well, let me welcome you to my world.”
“Why, thank you, sugar. Would you be
willing to buy little old me a drink.”
“It would be my pleasure.”
“You’re way too kind.”
“Back at my place I’ve got anything you
could want to drink.”
“Sugar, are you asking me to go back to
your place with you?”
“It did cross my mind once or fifteen times.”
“I just might take you up on that.”
“You and me could drink the sweet nectar of
love all night long.”
“You sure know how to tempt a girl.”
“‘Temptation’ is my name.”
“What little nasty deeds do you have in
mind doing?”
“Oh, baby, I want to get down and dirty. I want
to wallow in you all night.”
“Sugar, I think we could get really kinky!”
“Ooo, honey, I love the way you think. But I’ve
got to warn you. When I get started I may never
stop.”
“The only thing that’s gonna stop you
tonight is a lack of imagination.”
“Sweetheart, I can see my imagination running
wild and free!”
“Then, sugar, there’s only one thing left
to do.”
“And, honey, what would that be?”
“To get things started will be a hundred
dollars.”
“A hundred bucks?!?”
“That’s right, sugar. A hundred dollars.”
“Well, OK. If you insist. But you’re gonna
have to pay me up front.”
Jon D. Stupor barely made it back to the bar. His testicles were sore and tender from the swift kick. Fortunately, it was a glancing blow.
###############
Jon D. Stupor was in a stupor. Was there no woman in the club that night willing to get laid? He was about to leave when he noticed a rather timid looking brunette sitting by herself.
“Hello, sweetheart.”
“Uh, hello.”
“Don’t mind if I do sit here for a spell.”
“I don’t think that would be wise.”
“Oh, baby, I don’t believe there’d be anything
better than spending some time with you.”
“But my husband just went to the men’s
room. He’ll be back in a minute.”
“A fine thing like you, and he leaves you all
alone? What kind of man is he?”
“He’s a good man.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he is. But, honey, there ain’t
nobody as good as me.”
“I guess I’ll just never find out for myself.”
“What a loss! Listen, if you give me your number,
I’ll call you when the old man’s at work.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh, baby, don’t let this golden opportunity slide
on by you. I can show you things that’ll make you
scream all night.”
“No, I don’t believe so.”
“Honey, I just hate to see a fine woman like you
lose out.”
“What are you doing sitting here with
my wife?”
“Just trying to be friendly.”
“I think you’d better take your
friendliness somewhere else!”
“Oh, man keep it cool. Your woman ain’t my
type.”
“Oh, she’s not good enough for some
little prick like you?”
“Oh, she’s all right. It just that I’ve had far
better.”
“Look, buster, you’re talking about the
woman I love, the mother of my
children.”
“Well, that explains it.”
“Explains what?”
“Where she got those big hips. Mamma make
good babies, huh?”
“Her hips are just the way I like them.
They were good enough to give me three
children and they’re good enough for
anything else I want.”
“Three kids?!?”
“Yeah, three beautiful children.”
“Man, oh man, how do you stand it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Three kids popped out of her. They done
reamed her out good!”
“Look, buddy, . . . .”
“I mean Wow-wee. Making love to her is gotta
be like making love to the Grand Canyon!”
“All right, now, . . . .”
“God Almighty man. There ain’t nobody’s dick
big enough to fill up that hole.”
“I’m gonna, . . . .”
“I bet you can’t feel a thing.”
“You’re gonna, . . . .”
“Ain’t you afraid of falling in that thing?”
“That’s it! I’m, . . . .”
“What do you do? Strap a two by four to your
back so you won’t fall in?”
It was at this moment that Jon D. Stupor had a vision of his legacy. Then the lights went out.
###############
The tombstone reads:
R. I. P.
JON D. STUPOR
1979 -
“He finally got laid”
“Jon D. that is one of the craziest things
I have ever seen!”
“What do you mean, Cliff?”
“You’re not even dead. You’re still a young
man and yet you already got you a
tombstone.”
“Well, I didn’t want anybody to think bad
about me.”
“Bad about you? What’s that all about?”
“I’m not going to go through life with people
thinking I can’t get laid.”
“So this tombstone announces to the world
that you finally got lucky?”
“That’s right! Now everybody can see that I
got laid!”
“I don’t think it means quite the same
thing.”
“Well, if nothing else, maybe some babe will
show a little mercy on me. If you know what
I mean.”
“Jon D. you’re just one crazy guy. By the
way, how’s your eye?”
“Oh, it’s a lot better. The swelling’s gone way
down.”
“You shouldn’t say such things about a
man’s wife.”
“Yeah, I know. Especially when he can hit
like that!”
“And if I wasn’t your friend, I’d punch you
out!”
“What for?!?”
“The trouble you got me into with my wife.”
“Oh, that.”
“Telling her all that garbage about me going
around the club hitting on women.”
“Well, you used to.”
“That was before I got married.”
“I didn’t mention that to her?”
“No, you did not!”
“Hmmm, she still mad at you?”
“A little bit.”
“Cause if you and her are through, I sure would
like to pick her up.”
“We’re not through, Jon D. Just get that
crazy idea out of your head.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, I’m absolutely certain.”
“What if, . . . .”
“No, Jon D.”
“How about, . . . .”
“No, Jon D!”
“I could, . . . .”
“No, Jon D!!”
“But, . . . .”
“No!!!”
THE END?
Copyright ©2005 by Jerry W. Crews
Page updated
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