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OK, I’m dead. Well, actually I’ve been dead for some time. How long? Oh, I don’t know for sure, but it has been awhile. It doesn’t really matter anyway. I feel fine. I mean what I can feel is fine. The rest doesn’t seem to matter.
I can’t see anything anymore. I guess my eyes are still there; it’s just that I can’t see out of them. But I can sense things going on around me. I have had the sense of something crawling on me. I guess it’s worms doing their part. But I’m not exactly sure. I’m really not sure of anything except that I’m dead.
I lived a good and decent life. Well, that is up to the last. I’m not proud of what happened at the end, but most of my life was good. I was always helpful and kind and got along with just about everyone. I married my high school sweetheart and we had a good life together. Then it all came crashing down in just one afternoon.
Here lately I’ve been thinking about my past life. The ups and the downs. The good times and the bad times. My successes and my failures.
The one thing that I am most proud of is my marriage to my wife. Sally was the most beautiful and intelligent person that I have ever known. We had homeroom together our freshman year in High School. That’s where I first met her. She was laughing over some joke that was told her. Her laughter was contagious and I couldn’t keep my eyes off her.
I made sure that we got to know each other and before long we were spending all our spare time together. After High School, we were married and spent a glorious honeymoon together. Sally made me so happy. I mean we had our arguments like every married couple, but we never went to bed mad at each other. We always found a way to make amends. I think I made Sally happy too. I know some of our close friends told me how she bragged on me to them in private. Not only was she my wife, she was my best friend.
There was really only one thing that brought sadness to us. We couldn’t have any children. We had tried and tried but nothing worked. We went to one doctor after another. It seems like we were at every clinic in the state. But Sally didn’t produce good eggs and my sperm count was too low. So we were a team in not having children, just like we were a team in everything else we did. My sadness came from the fact that I knew Sally would make a great mother. I think I would be a good father because I would be madly in love with the child’s mother.
But we made the most of our situation. We still loved each other and actually became closer by spending so much time together by ourselves. But there was always a little hollow place in our lives. Lately, we had talked about the possibility of adopting. Sally had sent off for some information and we were going to seriously look at it. But I had to go and die.
To die is to die. We don’t have much control over how and when. But we usually do have control over how we live. I was doing fine until the day I died. All those years of being good and decent and then I throw it all away at the last.
I had no intention of doing anything wrong. It just found me and took advantage of me. Now I’m not trying to imply that I was totally innocent. I wasn’t. I am as guilty as if I had planned the whole thing. But if that woman had just left me alone, my life could have continued and Sally and I could have lived happily ever after.
I came home for lunch from work, like I had done every day for so many years. I didn’t know that one of my co-workers had followed me home. Her name was Joan. She seduced me and for the first time in my life I was unfaithful to Sally. Joan let her drug habit kill her right in my bathroom. I tried desperately to get rid of her body before Sally got home, but I had a heart attack and died in our living room. Of course, all that is another story. My point is: All those years of loving and caring for Sally and I ruin it by having a fling with another woman. I think I got what I deserved. But Sally didn’t do anything to deserve the pain she went through.
Even though I couldn’t see, I could sense when Sally came into the house and found me lying on the floor. She actually had run into the house and grabbed the phone. I guess she had seen Joan’s body wrapped up in trash bags out in the front yard. When she found me it was terrible. I have never heard her scream like that before. She tried to perform CPR on me, but she really didn’t know how. Finally, she just clutched me to her bosom until the ambulance and police arrived.
The paramedics half-heartedly tried to revive me. They knew it was a wasted effort on their part. I remember having the feeling of the doctor probing all over me. Once again I sensed Sally’s scream as the doctor told her that I had died. I wish I could have reached out to her. I wish I could have made her pain go away.
The autopsy was kind of fun. There was no feeling of pain, so it was interesting to sense what the coroner was finding as he did the autopsy. I mean there were things he found in my stomach that I don’t remember eating. Of course, he said I died of cardiac arrest. I could have told him that if I could have talked.
At the funeral I could sense a mixed bag of emotions. I was glad that my parents had already passed away and did not live to see me die in such an ignominious manner. I could sense sadness. I sensed laughter. I sensed condemnation at my final act before dying. Even if I could have spoke, I don’t know how I could have explained what happened. When I think about it, I don’t even have a good explanation for myself.
As I lay in the casket, people would come up and look at me. I sensed tears and sometimes I felt people were talking about Joan and me. I felt that some thought I was a murderer. I wish I could have told them what really happened. I tried to get their attention. I felt myself being able to move a finger. I tapped and tapped trying to get someone to look at me. No one would pay attention.
The worse was before the funeral services when Sally was left alone with me. I felt her sadness. I felt her feeling of betrayal. I felt her anger at me. I felt her total sense of loss. I would have given anything to hold her one last time. I desperately wanted to let her know that Joan meant nothing to me. I wanted her to know how much I loved her and how sorry I was for causing her all this pain and sorrow.
The ride to the grave was pretty uneventful. Even though, I must admit, I was pretty pissed at the people at the funeral home. Before they closed the casket for the final time, I sensed one of them trying to take my wedding ring off my finger. Maybe he was going to give it to Sally, but just maybe, he was going to hock it at a pawnshop. I have heard of things like this happening to other people. I had the sense of him almost tearing my finger off. Finally I felt that he had stopped because he couldn’t get the ring off. I’m glad. I don’t think Sally really wanted it. It’s best that it stays with me.
At the gravesite I sensed people crying and I felt Sally’s tears the most. Then everyone left except the gravediggers and they lowered my casket into the ground. I kept tapping and trying to knock, but no one noticed. I had the feeling of dirt being dumped onto the casket and then there was silence.
And that’s the way it’s been every since. Just me and my thoughts and nothing else. I really thought things would be different when you die. Of course, like most people, I had been taught that if you lead a good life, then when you died you went to heaven, and if you lead a bad life, then you went to hell. Now I’m not really sure which category I fall into. If you were God, where would you send me? But so far, nothing has happened. I haven’t seen any angels and, thankfully, I haven’t seen any demons. I have just been here in the grave thinking about things.
It seems like it has been a long time, even though, I can’t really be sure. I’ve had the feeling that someone comes to my grave every once in a while. But I guess with all the dirt between me and the top of the grave, I can’t figure out who it is. I hope it’s Sally. I hope she’s doing fine. I still love her. I know she must go on with life. She’ll probably meet someone else, fall in love, and get married again. That’s fine with me. I hope she finds someone who will love her and be faithful to the end. She deserves nothing less. I may be dead, but my love for her will never die.
So is this it? Am I just to lie here until I turn back to the elements? I can still think and sense things around me. Will this go on forever? Or will my thoughts slowly but surely start fading into nothingness? I have seen nothing to give me a clue as to what is to happen.
Wait a minute! What is that? It looks like a pinpoint of light very far away. It is so far away that I can barely see it. But it is there! I’m feeling drawn to it. Is this the light that you hear people talk about? After all this darkness it is so refreshing to see a light, even though it is quite small. I can hardly think of anything else but that light. Believe it or not, now it’s getting a little bigger and brighter. I can think of nothing else.
The light is so much bigger now, and very bright. I’m going toward it. It’s the only thing that matters!
The light. . . . .
I’m going toward. . . . .
The light. . . . . .
“I think he’s coming around.”
“Joe, can you hear me?” asked the Doctor as he waved the penlight back and forth across Joe’s eyes. “Can you hear me, Joe?”
“Hmmph?”
“Joe, wake up,” said the Doctor. “Can you hear me?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, you’re awake,” smiled the Doctor as he put his penlight away.
“W-Where am I?”
“You’re in the hospital,” explained the Doctor. “You’ve been very sick, but you’re getting better now.”
“I-I don’t understand.”
“Oh, there’ll be plenty of time to sort things out,” replied the Doctor. “But right now I want you to rest.”
“OK.”
“Sally’s here,” said the Doctor. “Do you feel like seeing her?”
“Yeah.”
The Doctor left the room and soon returned with Sally.
“Just a few minutes, now,” explained the Doctor.
“OK, doctor,” said Sally as she rushed to Joe’s bedside. “Oh baby how are you feeling?”
“Oh, Sally, I’m so sorry,” cried Joe. “I’m so sorry.”
“Honey, you don’t have any reason to be sorry,” replied Sally. “You got sick. But now the doctors have fixed you up. You’re gonna come home with me and live a long life.”
“I don’t understand any of this,” said Joe.
”You had a heart attack when you got into your car at work,” explained Sally. “You were coming home for lunch. But they performed bypass surgery and now you’re almost as good as new.”
“But. . . .”
“Don’t worry about it now,” Sally said reassuringly. “You rest and we’ll talk more tomorrow. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Sally left and Joe tried to sort things out in his head. None of this made sense. He tried to reason it out, but he kept dozing off and on.
The next day the Doctor and Sally came in together to see Joe.
“How are you feeling?” asked the Doctor.
“Like a truck hit me.”
“I bet so,” replied the Doctor. “Let me check you out. While I’m doing that, Sally can fill you in on some of the details as to what happened.”
Sally sat down beside the bed and took Joe’s hand into hers.
“You scared all of us.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” smiled Sally. “It’s OK. Let’s see now, you got into your car to come home for lunch like you do everyday. You had a heart attack and fell onto the steering wheel. Fortunately, that set off the car horn and people came running over to see what was going on.”
“I don’t remember any of this.”
“Well,” continued Sally. “One of the men pulled you out of your car and laid you on the ground. Another guy called ‘911.’”
“I see.”
“And then the person who really saved your life came over,” explained Sally.
“Who was that?”
“Joan!”
“Joan?”
“Yes, she saved your life!” smiled Sally. “Evidently she was the only one there who knew CPR. She worked on you and kept you breathing and kept your heart beating until the paramedics arrived. Without her I would have lost you.”
“She did that?”
“Yeah,” explained Sally. “I know you said what a reputation she has at work for being a loose woman. But this time, I didn’t mind another woman’s lips on yours.”
“It’s funny, but I just don’t remember any of this,” said Joe as he scratched his head. “In fact, I thought I had died and that a lot of other things had happened.”
“Well, hallucinations under such circumstances is really not that uncommon,” spoke the Doctor. “Even though CPR kept you alive, your brain still was not receiving the normal amount of oxygen that it’s use to receiving. People have been known to dream all sorts of things. Some have seen aliens, angels, devils, and some people, especially men, have had very vivid wet dreams.”
“Oh, doctor!” said a surprised and somewhat embarrassed Sally.
“Well, it’s true,” replied the Doctor. “So, it’s no telling what you dreamed.”
“So it was all a dream?”
“Oh, I’m sure it was very real to you,” explained the Doctor. “But, yes, it was a dream. And it will probably take you a little time to get everything sorted out. Just take your time.”
“OK.”
“Well,” replied the Doctor, “You might as well go ahead and tell him the rest of it.”
“You think he’ll be OK to hear it?” asked Sally.
“Sure,” said the Doctor. “He’s a lot stronger today. I think it will help him to know.”
“Know what?”
“Joe, brace yourself,” smiled Sally. “I’m pregnant!”
“What?!?”
“That’s right,” smiled the Doctor. “You did it. You’re gonna be a father.”
“I’m a father?”
“Yes, dear,” laughed Sally. “You’re the father.”
“My goodness! I had almost given up hope,” Joe replied.
“Me too,” said Sally. “But you still had it in you, old boy!”
“Well, I know you’re happy,” said the Doctor. “And I know you’ll want to be around to see this miracle child grow up. You’ve survived a very grave situation, and so now, there’s gonna have to be some life style changes.”
“Doc, I’ll do whatever’s necessary,” replied Joe.
“The atherosclerosis was severe, but the angioplasty was very successful and therefore, your prognosis is good,” explained the Doctor. “Before you leave here, we’re going to make sure you’re on a program that will keep you healthy for a long time.”
“You know the doctor’s right,” reflected Sally. “The baby is a miracle. And you surviving your heart attack is another miracle.”
“I guess you’re right,” smiled Joe.
“I think that if the baby is a girl, we should name her ‘Joan,’” reflected Sally. “After all, she is responsible for part of this miracle.”
“Well, this is totally different from what I dreamed,” exclaimed Joe. “I could see the funeral, all our family, and even being in the casket.”
“Don’t worry about all that now, honey,” replied Sally. “When you get stronger you’ll have plenty of time to tell me all about the dreams you had.”
Sally and the Doctor left Joe’s room so he could rest. Joe lay in his bed staring at the ceiling overhead.
“Hello.”
“Oh, hello. Come on in.”
“How are you feeling?” asked Joan.
“A little tired,” replied Joe.
“Well,” smiled Joan. “I’m glad you’re alive.”
“Same here,” replied Joe as Joan developed a puzzled look on her face. “But I’m doing OK.”
“That’s good,” said Joan. “I’m not going to stay long. I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“No, please, stay as long as you like,” replied Joe. “They tell me that you saved my life.”
“Oh, well, thankfully I took a course in CPR a few months ago,” Joan said.
“I could never thank you enough for what you did,” said Joe.
“Oh, that’s all right,” replied Joan. “You’ve always treated me nice, and I’m glad I was there to help.”
“I’m glad too.”
“Well, I’m going to let you rest,” said Joan. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“No, thank you,” replied Joe. “I’m just going to lie here, stare at the ceiling, and do a little daydreaming.”
“OK,” replied Joan. She bent over and gave Joe a kiss on his cheek.
“Just be careful. You never know when your dreams may come true.”
Joan left the room as Joe gazed at the ceiling. He took a long and deep breath, held it, and then slowly exhaled. It sure felt good to be alive and breathing.
“How am I ever going to be able to explain this to Sally?”
THE END
Copyright ©2003 by Jerry W. Crews
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