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ACT II
This was Willie’s first day back to work after being suspended without pay for a week and taking an additional week off as vacation time. He had faithfully enrolled in the company’s sexual harassment training and had attended his first meeting. Now, he was back at work, and he was making quite an impression.
The center was abuzz with something that had never occurred before. Men smiled with amusement, some women were aghast, and others felt intrigued. AMC had suddenly become a very interesting place to work.
Nina entered the lunch room and joined Heidi at her table. They looked at each for a moment then started giggling.
“Did you see your boyfriend?” Nina gasped.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Heidi objected.
“Okay, sure, but did you see him?” Nina asked again as she rolled her eyes.
“Yes,” Heidi answered. “Shouldn’t someone tell him that he’s got something poking out of his pocket?”
Nina stared at her friend and then burst out laughing when she realized Heidi was serious, “Oh, honey, that’s not his pocket!”
“It’s not??”
“No, it might look like it, but it’s definitely in his crotch,” Nina declared.
“Oh, my God!” Heidi cried. “I didn’t think.”
“It appears you’re not the only one who decided to enlarge their assets,” Nina offered. “You two are a bunch of fruit cakes with your melons and his giant banana.”
“It must be humungous to be poking out like that,” Heidi reasoned as she ignored her friend’s sarcasm. “I wonder what made him want to do that.”
“Well, maybe it was for the same reason you did what you did,” Nina surmised. “It would be easier for you two just to break down and talk to each other.”
“Oh, I don’t think he wants to talk to me after what happened,” Heidi declared. “I know he has to blame me. They suspend him without pay and then make him attend those harassment meetings. I’m sure he hates me now.”
“You didn’t turn him in,” Nina offered.
“I know and it’s totally unfair what they did to him,” Heidi continued. “He did nothing wrong and I would’ve told them so it they had asked me.”
“Yeah, you know how that HR bunch is,” Nina said. “I thought we were just having a little fun and then all of a sudden things got serious. He definitely got a bum rap.”
“I wonder who complained,” Heidi reflected.
“Oh girl, you know exactly who turned him in,” Nina almost yelled.
“I can’t believe she’d do that,” Heidi objected.
“Do what?” Evelyn asked as she joined her two friends.
“She can’t believe you’re the one who ratted Willie out to HR,” Nina replied.
“Did you tell them?” Heidi asked as Evelyn felt the blood drain from her face.
She swallowed hard and then answered, “Anything reported to Human Resource is confidential and shouldn’t be discussed.”
“What a bunch of malarkey!!” Nina bellowed. “What do you think this is, the Spanish Inquisition, where you can secretly accuse someone, so you never have to face the person?”
“There has to be confidentiality in certain sensitive cases or else grievous matters would never be corrected,” Evelyn tried to explain.
“You told them, didn’t you?” Heidi asked as she stared down her friend.
Evelyn didn’t answer as everyone’s attention was diverted when Willie marched into the room. Heidi and Nina stole a glance and then buried their heads as they pretended to eat their lunch. They knew if they looked at each other they would lose it and break out laughing. Evelyn stared at Willie in disbelief. Her moral sensibilities were horrified at what she saw but her curiosity wouldn’t let her stop staring. Finally, Heidi noticed her, nudged her and whispered to quit staring.
“What has he done??” Evelyn asked as she lowered her voice.
“What does it look like?” Nina cracked back at her.
“It’s absolutely horrible!” Evelyn declared.
“Oh, I don’t think so,” Nina disagreed.
“Me neither,” Heidi sighed as she noticed Willie glance her way. Having him look her way was enough to make her heart flutter.
Curtis came bursting into the room shouting greetings to everyone. Stopping at Willie’s table, he looked down and bellowed, “You’ve got it out there, buddy! You’re showing a lot of us guys up.”
Willie smiled and simply said, “Thanks.”
Looking around the room for an audience he noticed Heidi and her friends. Without hesitation he bounded over to them and asked, “Hey ladies, how do you like my good buddy, Willie’s new look? I believe he’s added a new dimension to the name Willie, don’t you?”
“It sounds like you might be a little jealous,” Nina jabbed at him.
“Oh no, it’s not how big it is but what you do with it,” he laughed. “I think you know what I can do with it.”
“Yes, I do, and if I were you, I’d be jealous,” she teased.
Ignoring her cutting remark he pulled out the chair beside Evelyn and took a seat. Moving in close to her, he asked, “So, my dear, what do you think of my boy, there?”
His closeness had a noticeable effect on her and she stuttered, “Well, I don’t…”
“He’s looking good, isn’t he?” Curtis interrupted as he touched her shoulder.
“I…I…think,” she mumbled as her attention was diverted to his hand resting on her shoulder.
“Well, I like that he did it,” he declared. “It’s a real confidence builder and he needed that. It does him good.”
“Oh, it does him really good,” Nina agreed.
Heidi simply sighed and said, “Yeah.”
—Bulge
Heidi
♫ He’s got a bulge in his pocket. ♫
Nina
♫ That’s not a bulge in his pocket—. ♫
Nina & Heidi
♫ He’s got a bulge in his crotch,
A rocket in his socket,
He’s got a bulge in his crotch.
It’s larger than a notch,
That bulge in his crotch,
He’s got a bulge, he’s got a bulge,
In his crotch. ♫
Curtis
♫ Does he know how to use it?
That rocket in his docket,
I can teach him to use it,
So he won’t abuse it,
That bomb in his crotch,
He’s got a bulge, he’s got a bulge,
In his crotch. ♫
Heidi
He doesn’t need your help!
Nina
I think he’s doing just fine on his own.
Nina, Heidi & Curtis
♫ He’s got a bulge in his crotch,
A rocket in his socket,
He’s got a bulge in his crotch.
It’s larger than a notch,
That bulge in his crotch,
He’s got a bulge, he’s got a bulge,
In his crotch. ♫
Nina (fanning herself)
Oh, girl, I’m feeling faint.
Heidi
Give the girl some air!
Nina
♫ Can I touch it?
Ooo—I wanna touch it.
I wanna touch it.
I wanna wrap my fingers around it and see how much it is,
I wanna touch it. ♫
Curtis
♫ He’s got it out there where all the ladies can watch,
That extrusion, it’s no illusion,
That protrusion, there’s no confusion
That gigantic, mammoth, humongous, astronomical bulge—
In his crotch.
In his crotch. ♫
Nina
♫ Can I feel it?
Ooo—I wanna feel it.
I wanna feel it.
It makes me all tingly inside when I think I wanna feel it,
I wanna feel it. ♫
Heidi
Now, hold on there!
♫ This is my man,
You’ve got to understand this is my man.
He is my man,
So, keep your grubby hands off of my man.
He’s my man, he’s my man,
My man! ♫
Nina
Honey, what have you done to claim him?
Heidi
Well, I…well—
Nina, Heidi & Curtis
♫ He’s got a bulge in his crotch,
A rocket in his socket,
He’s got a bulge in his crotch.
It’s larger than a notch,
That bulge in his crotch,
Oh—
He’s got a bulge in his crotch,
A rocket in his socket,
He’s got a bulge in his crotch.
It’s larger than a notch,
That bulge in his crotch,
He’s got a bulge, he’s got a bulge, he’s got a bulge—
In his crotch. ♫
Heidi glared at Nina as she had a wicked smile on her face. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.” Without hesitating she marched over to Willie who was still pretending to concentrate on eating his lunch. It startled him when she cleared her throat.
“Hi,” she said. “I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Heidi.”
“Uh, I know,” he stammered. “I’m Willie.”
“Yes, I know,” she revealed. “Look, I hope you don’t think I’m too forward, but we’re always seeing each other here at lunch and I thought maybe we should at least get to know each other. You know, be friendly and all.”
“I’d like that,” he offered. “I’d like that very much. Would you care to have a seat?”
“Thank you,” she said as she took a seat.
After an awkward silence she continued, “You know you’re the talk of the center.”
“I had a feeling I might be,” he revealed. “I didn’t want to be, but HR pressed me and I decided to make a point.”
“Yeah, I think I understand,” she offered. “I felt pressured to stand out, so I did what I did.”
He nodded his head in agreement and stated, “You look good. Of course, I’ve always thought you have.”
“You have?” she asked with a hint of astonishment.
“Sure,” he answered. “I mean, who wouldn’t?”
“Well, I think you look good, too,” she said with a smile. “Even before you did what you did.”
“Thanks.”
Their conversation was interrupted when Curtis joined them. “Sorry, Willie, old boy, but HR is looking for you. I just got a center wide text telling us to find you and send you there immediately.”
“Okay.”
“Are you going to be all right?” Heidi asked with concern showing all over her face.
“I hope so, but we’ll see,” he replied as he stood to leave.
Curtis and Heidi watched Willie leave the lunch room. Curtis slowly exhaled and declared, “I know he’s got a bulge, but he’s also got some big balls.”
“Curtis!”
💚
Go to Act II Scene 2 - Human Remorse
Go to Act II Scene 3 - Abstraction
Back to Bulge (or Pressed to Make a Point)
Back to Act I Scene 1 - Two Peas In A Pod
Back to Act I Scene 2 - Perky2
Back to Act I Scene 3 - Inhumane Resource
Copyright ©2014 by Jerry W. Crews
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