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My name is Omar Oloff. That is Count Oloff. I am a vampire. One of the undead who lives off the vibrant blood of living humans. I have been one for about two weeks. You’re probably thinking the Prince of Darkness should be centuries old, but everyone has to start somewhere.
Being a vampire I am able to walk among the living without being noticed. In fact, I have the power to change my appearance at will. For awhile I tried being a bat. A vampire bat. I did not like it. Hanging upside down gave me a splitting headache, not to mention the wear and tear on my feet as they supported my entire weight. Once I changed into the form of a viper. I thought this would be natural as the snake was already equipped with fangs. One encounter with a little old lady, who was quite adept at using a broom stick, changed my mind. I had to spend the better part of a night plucking straw out of my buttocks. Eventually I decided to take on the appearance of a cat. A vampire cat. That is: A vamcat.
As a vamcat I had the freedom to roam the neighborhood without being detected. Rats and mice were amazed that I didn’t eat them. I only needed their blood. Of course, my conscience would not allow me to drink them dry. I left them enough to live so they could recover and then I would track them down again. There was one rat who accused me of only wanting to play with my food. But eventually he saw the wisdom of me sparing his life. He got to the point that when he saw me coming, he would stop, tilt his head sideways, and voluntarily offer his jugular vein to me. This saved me a lot of time and energy in chasing him and of course, assured him that only his blood would be taken, and his life would be spared. One time I played an amusing trick on him. I changed into a gorgeous female rat and flirted with him until he started to kiss me. He was so excited that a female was paying him so much attention. Just at the right moment I changed back into a vamcat. He was momentarily startled but then joined me in a hearty laugh. It brought tears to the eyes of both of us. After wiping our eyes, he tilted his head and allowed me to take my nourishment. He and many of his family became close and dear friends.
One moonless evening I was roaming as a vamcat when my attention was diverted by the yelping of a creature on the opposite side of a white picket fence. Being curious, I jumped the gate and came face to face with a menacing dog. Even though he was growling and barking, I could sense his fear as he came to realize the superior power that was confronting him. “Back off you canine imbecile,” I warned as he bared his teeth. “You don’t know what you’re dealing with.”
“And neither do you, you feline fool,” he snarled as the hair on the back of his neck stood straight up. “All I see is a stupid mutt,” I hissed as he lunged at me. My super reflexes allowed me to easily avoid his snapping teeth. As quick as lightening my right paw struck at his face. He moved with quickness that I had not seen before as he evaded my claws.
“You’re fast for a lamebrain idiot,” I offered as we circled each other looking for the right opportunity to strike. “But you’re not fighting just an ordinary cat. I am a vamcat! There is no way you can win!”
“So, that explains why you smell like something dead and rotted,” he barked as I hunched my back and hissed at him through clenched teeth. “But what you don’t know is that I’m no ordinary dog. I am a weredog!”
“A weredog?!?” I asked in amazement. “Don’t you mean a werewolf?”
He stopped and looked at me with wide glowering eyes. “Look at me you stupid feline. I’m not a wolf. I’m a poodle. So, that makes me a weredog!”
“Then prepare for your end, you poor excuse for man’s best friend!” I shouted as he plunged at me again. With unimaginable speed I swiped at him with both paws. My left missed but my right found its mark. He yelped from the force of the blow and started licking his face as blood flowed from the two scratches I had inflicted. His eyes turned blood red with rage and he growled in such a way that I almost felt a tinge of fear rising in my chest. Just as he was about to strike, from around the corner came my friend the rat and two of his family. He attached himself to the ear of the weredog while his son grabbed one of the legs. His daughter bit into the weredog’s tale causing him to cry out in pain. It was quite a sight with me hissing, the rats squealing, and the weredog yelping as we knotted into one big tumbling ball of fighting hair and flesh.
There is no telling what would have happened if we had been allowed to continue our skirmish. But it all came to an immediate and sudden stop. We were all drenched in cold, freezing water. I looked up to see an elderly woman holding a bucket and yelling at all of us. The shock of the water and the woman’s yelling caused us to stop our fighting and take flight away from any more soakings. As I escaped from the scene it dawned on me that this was the same woman who had chased me with a broom stick when I was a vampire viper. Such an evil person should be locked away and not allowed on the streets.
When I had run far enough to be out of harm’s way I stopped and took inventory of any damage. Fortunately, due to my superior strength as a vamcat I was not injured at all. I was cold and damp and was starting to feel the pain of hunger as I had not eaten since the night before. As I licked my fur to dry my coat I shuddered from the cold that had come upon me due to the freezing water. Now I was feeling the growing urge for a good warm meal. It was exactly what I needed to feel cozy and cuddly again.
My friend the rat and his family were nowhere in sight, so I knew I would be forced to seek out another victim. In fact, even though I was hungry, I was becoming tired of just eating blood. I still had fond memories of drinking a warm glass of milk before bedtime when I was still a mortal. Now I wondered if it would be possible to find a nice bottle of milk to dine on.
As I bounded down the road I came upon the answer to my question. Straight ahead of me was a cattle farm. I could hear the cows “mooing” as I searched the trash cans looking for a container of milk. Having no luck in finding anything edible, I turned my attention to the barn. As I came closer to the stalls I could smell the fresh warm milk awaiting my taking. The only problem was the milk was still in the cows. In order to get the meal I wanted, I would now be forced to use the cunning and power that I had obtained by becoming a vamcat.
Before long I came upon a fat and plump cow chewing her cud in a stall. Pouncing onto the top of the gate I gazed into her eyes with my hypnotic vampire stare. Despite her best efforts to resist me, it was not long before she was under my spell and willing to do anything I asked. With a sense of pride at my accomplishment, I jumped down into the stall and headed toward my reward. I could already taste the fresh warm milk that awaited my taking.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” came a throaty warning from the next stall. I stopped and cautiously looked around to see where the voice originated. “Why would I not want to feast on the utter of this willing cow?” I asked as I bounded back onto the top of the gate.
“You must be a city cat,” laughed the cow as she looked over at me. “A farm cat would know better.”
“Well, I must admit, I am from the city,” I agreed as I gingerly walked on the gate. “But, I am no mere city cat. I am a vamcat.”
“You’re also not very bright,” came her sarcastic reply.
“And what great knowledge could a simple bovine like you share with a powerful being like me?” I asked in a sardonic manner.
“Well you just go ahead and suck that cow if you want to,” she laughed. “But first, take a look and tell me how many tits do you see?”
I glanced at the still dazed cow and replied, “There’s one.”
“Well, you see that’s gonna be your problem,” she bellowed. “An utter has four tits, not one!”
“I still don’t see what’s wrong,” I muttered as I tried to hide my ignorance.
“Don’t you see? That’s not a cow,” she laughed. “That’s a bull! And that definitely is not a tit!!”
Her laughter turned me red with rage and embarrassment. “In that case, I will dine upon you!” I shouted louder than necessary.
“Oh, I don’t think so,” she retorted. “I don’t give free samples.”
“I was hoping for your sake you would cooperate,” I hissed. “But you are forcing me to use my super natural powers as a vamcat.”
“A vamcat?!?” she asked in derisive wonderment. “Well, then why don’t you be a scram cat and get away from me!”
“Look into my eyes,” I commanded as I proceeded to employ my hypnotic stare. Gazing at my face she laughed and said, “You know when you do that you look kinda cross eyed.”
“Resist as you might, you will succumb to my every wish,” I declared as I failed to see the humor in her laughter at my bulging eyes. “For I am a vamcat!”
“And I’m Bessie the cow,” she bellowed.
“I must admit you have resisted my powers more than most mortals do,” I offered as my eyes started to sting from not blinking.
“Well, maybe that’s because I have special powers, too,” she reflected as I finally ceased from trying to use my hypnotic stare. “Once I was hit by lightning and now I can talk to humans. Maybe its help me to resist idiots like you, too.”
“Don’t get too smug,” I said as I held up my luxurious fluffy tail. Slowly I waved it back and forth and commanded, “Keep your eyes on my tail.”
As she became sleepy and slowly slipped under my spell, she mumbled, “Farmer Bob’s not gonna like this.”
My tail did its job and within a few minutes she was in a deep trance willing to do anything I asked. Happily I jumped down to the floor and approached her utter. With immense pleasure I drank my fill of the fresh liquid. I had forgotten how delicious milk was. Unlike the salty and tart taste of blood, her milk was sweet, warm, and creamy. I drank until I could drink no more.
As I was finishing my meal I was startled by the sound of a human. He saw me in the stall with Bessie the cow and started yelling, “Hey!! Get away from my cow, you mangy cat!” This creature must have been the “Farmer Bob” she had warned me about. With super speed I avoided the brick he threw at me. Unfortunately, due to being weighed down with all the milk I had drank, I was not quick enough to keep the brick from striking the tip of my lush fluffy tail. With a hiss I slipped off into the darkness of the night and away from the mad farmer.
Eventually, I found a safe spot near a tree. I licked the wound on my tail and straighten my fur. The warm milk was starting to have an effect of my senses. I was becoming so sleepy I could hardly hold my eyes open. Also, my stomach did not feel so good. A vampire is to feast solely on blood, and yet, here I had violated that command and drank milk. Even though I was still nauseous, I drifted off into a nice peaceful and restful slumber.
###############
Dr. Wilson was busy at his desk in his office at the Regional Psychiatric Hospital when Nurse Jones walked in.
“Sorry to bother you, doctor, but Mr. Smith has been at it again,” she declared as she came through the door.
“What has he done this time?” asked the doctor as he removed his glasses.
“Well, for what I can get out of him, he claims he turned himself into a cat,” she replied.
“I thought he was a vampire,” smiled the doctor.
“Yeah, he still thinks that,” explained the nurse. “He said he had the power to become anything he wanted, even a cat.”
“A vampire cat?” reflected the doctor.
“Yes, he called himself a ‘vamcat,’” she laughed.
“Well, if nothing else, he is original,” observed the doctor. “Where did you find him?”
“He was lying in the kitchen moaning and groaning with a stomachache,” replied the nurse.
“What did he do?”
“He chewed the top off of a gallon jug of milk,” revealed Nurse Jones.
“I suppose he drank the whole gallon,” offered Dr. Wilson. “No wonder he’s sick.”
“Yeah, he is,” agreed the nurse. “Security found him lying on the floor still sucking on the jug.”
“Where is he now?” asked the doctor.
“We got him back to his room,” revealed the nurse. “He’ll be OK. His tummy’s gonna hurt for a while.”
“Well, please keep an eye on him for me,” asked the doctor. “He’s really harmless, but I don’t want him to hurt himself.”
“OK, I’ll let you know if there’s any change.”
###############
Mr. Smith lay on his bed with his eyes wide open. It was daytime and he knew he needed to sleep. His stomach did not feel very good. He now realized he could never stray from eating only blood. This would have to be his diet so long as he remained one of the undead. Any cravings for normal food would have to be suppressed.
His attention was drawn to a small beam of sunlight shining through the curtains over the window. He knew he had to avoid any contact with the light. A vampire exposed to the sun would immediately burn to a crisp and be turned to a pile of dust. As he studied the beam his stomach started cramping. Rising from his bed, he quickly headed for the bathroom. He sidestepped the beam of light as he entered the restroom.
After a while he felt better and decided to return to his bed for a day of sleep. As he left the lavatory he suddenly stopped and stood still. The beam of light shining through the curtains had grown in size and was now blocking his path back to his bed. He studied the matter for a moment and then backed into the bathroom. Gathering all the speed he could muster; he ran toward the bed and with a mighty push jumped into the air and sailed over the sunbeam. With a thud he bounced and landed upon the covers.
###############
The nurse was busy at her station updating a patient’s chart when the buzzer rang.
“Yes, Mr. Smith?”
“The name is Oloff.”
“OK, Mr. Oloff.”
“That’s Count Oloff.”
“OK, Count Oloff.”
“I need your help.”
“OK, Count, what’s wrong?”
“I’ve burnt my tail.”
THE END
Copyright ©2006 by Jerry W. Crews
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