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The Investigation
“The man’s in the living room.”
“Is his wife here?” asked Detective Franks.
“She’s in the bedroom,” replied the Officer. “The doctor’s medicating her.”
“Any children?”
“No.”
“Anyone else here?”
“No.”
“What’s it look like?” inquired the Detective.
“It looks like he had a heart attack,” replied the Officer. “The doctor agrees.”
“Sexual activity?”
“There was semen on the bed,” reflected the Officer. “Did you see the woman in the yard?”
“Yeah,” replied Detective Franks. “Nasty gash on her forehead. Where’d she get it?”
“Looks like in the bathroom,” replied the Officer. “There’s blood on the cabinet’s edge.”
“It’s not bad enough to kill her,” reflected the Detective.
“No, the paramedics pumped water out of her lungs,” offered the Officer.
“So, she drown. The bathtub?” asked the Detective.
“More than likely,” replied the Officer. “The tub’s been drained but was still wet.”
“Who made the call?”
“The wife came home and found them,” answered the Officer. “We found drugs in the woman’s purse.”
“What’s her name?”
“Joan.”
“The man?”
“Joe.”
“The wife?”
“Sally.”
“Anything else?”
“According to the wife, Joe and Joan were co-workers,” replied the Officer.
“I guess they were doing a little off-site work,” smirked Detective Franks.
“Appears so,” smiled the Officer. “You see the woman was wrapped in trash bags?”
“Yeah, I guess he was trying to get rid of the body,” reflected the Detective.
“That’s my guess, too,” offered the Officer. “Looks like he stepped on a garden rake and broke his nose.”
“Hmmph. Neighbors see anything?”
“We’re still checking, but it looks like everyone was gone,” replied the Officer. “You think he banged her and then killed her?”
“What’s your take?”
“I don’t know,” reflected the Officer. “There’s something here that just doesn’t feel normal. What do you think?”
“My gut says, ‘No’,” reflected Detective Franks. “It just looks like some heavy breathing and a lot of bad luck.”
“You want to talk with the wife?”
“Yeah,” replied the Detective. “Go ahead and move the bodies. We get the autopsy we can close this one.”
“Sally, I’m Detective Franks.”
“Oh, hello, Detective,” replied a wrought Sally. “Please excuse the mess.”
“It’s understandable under the circumstances,” observed the Detective. “I need to ask you a few questions if you’re up to it.”
“I don’t know what more I can say,” reflected Sally. “I don’t understand why this is happening. I’ve told the officers all that I know.”
“And we appreciate that,” observed the Detective. “But unfortunately, I have to ask the hard ones.”
“What do you need to know?”
“Were you aware your husband was having an affair with a co-worker?” inquired the Detective.
Sally took a deep sigh and replied, “No, I didn’t.”
“Had Joe ever mention Joan?”
“Not that I can remember,” reflected Sally. “I didn’t know they even knew each other.”
“What made you come home from work early?”
“I had called to speak with Joe at work and they said he had called in sick,” explained Sally. “I called home and Joe answered.”
“What did he say?”
“Not much,” replied Sally. “I told him I was coming home to look after him. He hadn’t felt the best lately and I was starting to get worried about him.”
“Is there anything else that you can think of that hasn’t been discussed?” asked the Detective.
“No, I don’t think so,” observed Sally as she wiped a tear from her eye. “Detective?”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Joe couldn’t have killed that woman,” offered Sally. “I just know he couldn’t.”
“I don’t think so either, ma’am,” replied the Detective. “We’ll know more a little later.”
Detective Franks laid his hand gently on Sally’s shoulder. “Is there anything we can do for you?”
“No thank you,” replied Sally. “My family is on its way here. I definitely need their help.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Arrangements
“My dear, come give your Auntie a hug.”
“Oh, Aunt Bertha,” cried Sally as they embraced. “He’s gone.”
“I know, my dear,” comforted Aunt Bertha. “I know.”
“What am I going to do?” sobbed Sally.
“Honey, you’re going to do the only thing you can do,” offered Aunt Bertha. “You’re going to keep living.”
“It’s hard. It’s so hard,” cried Sally. “I loved him so much.”
“Even after he cheated on you like he did?” asked a familiar voice.
“Now, Simon,” Aunt Bertha said sternly. “This is not the time nor place to be talking like that.”
“But, mother, even you are going to have a hard time sugar coating over this,” offered Simon.
“Dear, don’t listen to your cousin,” comforted Aunt Bertha. “My son thinks the only thing important is his upcoming trip to South America.”
“Well, it is important,” declared Simon.
“Traveling that far just to search for a professor of his,” Aunt Bertha said as she shook her head in disbelief. “It’s just not natural.”
“Hey, mother, there is nothing wrong with me following the professor to the Andes,” reflected Simon.
“It’s just not natural,” replied Aunt Bertha.
“Natural?!? Hey, I’ve got a girlfriend,” offered a shocked Simon. “Don’t try and make something out of this, mother!”
“Can’t you two get along even at a time like this?”
“Byron!!” cried Sally as she ran and hugged her brother.
“Sis, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this has happened,” offered a teary eyed Byron as he embraced his sister.
“Oh, Bryon, I didn’t know if you could make it,” wept Sally.
“Of course I was coming,” offered Byron. “Mindy’s looking after the boys. They’ll be here tonight.”
The two continued silently embracing each other for a considerable time. Finally Byron broke the silence, “Is there anything I can do?”
“Help me make the arrangements,” requested Sally. “I don’t know how much more I can do.”
“Byron, I so glad you’re here,” offered Aunt Bertha. “This is the time Sally needs her family.”
“Aunt Bertha, you’re the greatest,” replied Byron as they embraced. “With Dad and Mom gone you’ve almost become our mother.”
“Oh, dear, dear. You’re going to make me cry,” reflected Aunt Bertha as she wiped a tear from her eye.
“Well, well, Mr. Byron.”
“Hello, Simon.”
“Still trying to make a go of that plant you manage?” smirked Simon.
“We are making a go of it,” shot back Byron. “We’ve got orders for the next ten years.”
“Well, then, I’m so happy for you,” smiled Simon as he fought to stifle a yawn. “You make a bunch of money, then maybe you and your lovely wife can come more often and visit us poor people here in the Deep South.”
“Hush, Simon,” ordered Aunt Bertha. “Please ignore him, Byron. He’s never got over how Mindy loves you and not him.”
“Oh, please mother!” coughed Simon. “One minute you’re worried I’m gay and the next you think I’m still after an old girlfriend!”
“Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,” interrupted the Funeral Director. “If you will join me in my office we will begin by making the necessary arrangements.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Visitation
“He looks so natural lying there,” observed Helen as she stood over Joe’s casket.
“It’s natural to look dead?” teased her husband Tony.
“You know what I mean,” offered Helen as she gently slapped her husband’s arm. “If you have to be dead, then he looks as good as can be.”
“If you say so,” replied Tony. “I just find it hard to believe.”
“I know,” reflected Helen. “Sally and he were just over for dinner last week.”
“Yeah, it is hard to believe he’s gone,” mused Tony. “But what I really find hard to believe is what they say about him and Joan.”
“What do you mean?”
“I just never saw it at work,” observed Tony. “I never saw them even look each other’s way, and he never let on about it to me.”
“Well, some people can keep a good secret,” reflected Helen. “You sure can.”
“Just that one time,” replied Tony. “And that was a lot different.”
“Acting that way to get a promotion at work,” scolded Helen. “And you kept it a secret from everyone.”
“We might best not speak about this in public,” whispered Tony. “Not everybody’s forgiven me yet.”
“I don’t know if I have,” teased Helen.
“You have to.”
“Why’s that?”
“You’re the one that cashes my paycheck, my bigger paycheck,” smiled Tony. “Let’s go give our regards to Sally.”
###############
“It’s so hard to believe that’s Joe,” observed Mindy.
“I know,” agreed Byron as he held one of his sons. “He and Sally were so happy, it’s just unbelievable.”
“Daddy, who’s the man sleeping?” asked his son.
“That’s your Uncle Joe,” answered Byron.
“That’s my name.”
“That’s right, sweetheart,” replied Mindy. “His name is Joe and your name is Joey.”
“He was a good man,” observed Byron. “That’s why we named you after him.”
“Why’s he sleeping, Daddy,” asked Joey.
“Well, he got very, very sick,” replied Byron. “In fact, he got so sick that he died.”
“Now he’s in heaven with the angels,” reflected Mindy.
“Of course that depends on whether you believe in that heaven/hell crap,” interrupted Simon as he approached the casket.
“I take it you don’t,” observed Byron.
“Oh, I find it easier to believe he’s in hell,” replied Simon. “After all, look at the way he died.”
“I guess matters like that are in the Lord’s hands,” observed the woman with Simon.
“Oh, I beg your pardon,” offered Simon. “I haven’t introduced my fiancée, Bonita. Bonita this is Sally’s brother Bryon, his lovely wife Mindy, and their two sons, Josh and Joey.”
“Oh, so this is the Mindy you’ve told me about,” reflected Bonita.
“I bet he has told you about my wife,” bristled Byron. “Did he also tell you how she had to get a restraining order against him?”
“Daddy. Daddy!”
“Oh come now, dear Bryon,” smirked Simon. “That is so ancient history.”
“Daddy! Daddy!”
“Look you two, let’s have some respect for the dead and not get into this now,” ordered Mindy. “This is the time to try and help Sally as much as we can.”
“You’re so right,” agreed Bonita. “You big boys can fight later.”
“Daddy!! Daddy!!”
“What is it, Joey?”
“That man moved his finger,” replied Joey.
“What man?”
“The sleeping man,” answered Joey as he pointed at Joe.
All stared at Joe looking for any movement. Finally Mindy spoke, “Joey, Uncle Joe is dead. He can’t move.”
“His finger did, mommy,” replied Joey.
“I saw his lips move,” offered Josh.
“Now, you two stop this,” ordered Mindy. “This is not the time nor place to be playing tricks on Daddy and Mommy.”
“See, Simon, you’re not the only child here,” teased Bonita.
“Funny. Real funny,” mused Simon.
“Well, if you two will kindly excuse us, we’re going to go speak with Sally,” offered Byron.
###############
“Look at Joe lying there,” remarked Emily.
“He’s got a smile on his lips,” observed Becky.
“I bet Joan’s smiling, too,” smirked Emily.
“If you gotta go, that’s the way to go,” laughed Becky. “But ain’t that just like a man?”
“How’s that?” asked Emily.
“Always thinking with their little head instead of their big head,” observed Becky.
“Yeah, but he is kinda cute lying there,” reflected Emily.
“O my gosh! You’re getting turned on by a dead man?” asked Becky in horror.
“No, don’t be silly,” bristled Emily. “I just always thought he was cute, I mean at work, you know.”
“But he’s so old,” observed Becky.
“He wasn’t too old for Joan,” reflected Emily.
“Yeah, but Joan would screw anyone,” replied Becky. “All you had to have was a dick between your legs and she was ready to go.”
“Yeah, well, I guess none of that matters now,” reflected Emily. “I just wish I’d known he fooled around.”
“Did you ever try to get him interested?” asked Becky.
“Yeah, I dropped a few hints, but he wouldn’t bite,” replied Emily. “That’s what makes it so hard to believe Joan laid him.”
“Well, if you want him now, he’s good and hard,” laughed Becky.
“O girlfriend, you’re gonna make me puke,” laughed Emily.
“Look, his smile’s even bigger,” observed Becky. “I believe he heard you.”
“O get real,” smirked Emily. “Let’s go say something to his old lady.”
“What do you say at a time like this?” pondered Becky.
“I don’t know. I guess just ‘I’m sorry’,” replied Emily.
“Yeah. ‘Hey, lady, I’m sorry Joan screwed your old man before I could’,” laughed Becky.
“You’re evil. You’re just plain evil.”
###############
“This opens up a golden opportunity for you, Bill.”
“What do you mean, Dwight?”
“Well, now that Joe’s out of the way,” reflected Dwight. “Sally’s going to need a lot of comforting.”
“I’m not really comfortable talking about that right here in front of his corpse,” remarked Bill.
“Why not? He’s the last one that can hear you,” offered Dwight. “You really ought to think about it.”
“I just don’t know,” reflected Bill. “I mean, I—Well, I just don’t know.”
“O come on, man,” smirked Dwight. “I’ve seen the way you look at her.”
“I—I don’t know what you’re talking about,” replied a somewhat stunned Bill.
“Yeah? Well, you remember the last company picnic?” reminded Dwight. “You couldn’t take your eyes off her.”
“We were just talking,” replied a defensive Bill.
“Oh, yeah. Up close and personal,” laughed Dwight. “She was good and friendly with you, too.”
“Well, I thought she was being friendly just because I was Joe’s supervisor,” reflected Bill.
“There could be a lot truth to that, but from what I observed, there was some chemistry there,” offered Dwight.
“You observe too much,” smiled Bill.
“That’s why I run the company,” reflected Dwight. “Observations lead to opportunities.”
“I just never seen it,” mused Bill.
“Look, I could’ve told you after the picnic that Joan was going get Joe,” offered Dwight.
“Really?”
“Oh yeah,” laughed Dwight. “While you and Sally were chitchatting, Joan was zeroing in on Joe.”
“You could tell that?” pondered Bill.
“Yeah, she did her thing, a little small talk, smiling, touching his arm, and then watched him for the longest time when he walked away,” observed Dwight.
“You’re right,” reflected Bill. “That’s the way she did me.”
“I know,” replied Dwight. “That’s her style when she’s selected her prey.”
“Did she ever select you?” asked a bemused Bill.
“Yeah, but I couldn’t take the chance,” reflected Dwight. “Fifteen years ago I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. But in today’s work environment it’s totally different.”
“You have to be careful, huh?” pondered Bill.
“Absolutely,” stated Dwight. “Lawyers are just licking their lips over things like that.”
“Well, I guess that’s why you’re paid the big bucks,” smiled Bill.
“One of the reasons,” laughed Dwight. “But seriously, you ought to think about Sally.”
“I think I will,” declared Bill.
“Now when we get over here to greet Sally, you give her a hug,” ordered Dwight.
“OK.”
“I mean a long hug,” explained Dwight. “And when she goes to pull away, just gently hold on a little longer.”
“You think that will work?”
“That’s my style.”
###############
“I heard they found him naked.”
“Please, Grandma Lois,” pleaded Byron. “You don’t have to talk so loud.”
“Huh?!? What did you say? Was he naked?” asked a hard-of-hearing Grandma Lois.
“Grandma, please turn your hearing aid on,” requested Byron.
“Huh?!? You’re fearing he’s naked?” asked a confused Grandma Lois.
“TURN YOUR HEARING AID ON!” shouted Byron as Grandma Lois adjusted the hearing apparatus.
“Please, Byron. You really shouldn’t be shouting,” scolded a smiling Grandma Lois. “After all, this is a funeral parlor.”
“I’m sorry, Grandma,” apologized Byron. “No, I don’t think they found him naked. He may not have had his shirt on. But I didn’t really ask.”
“No shirt on?” mused Grandma Lois. “Well, skin is skin.”
“When was the last time you saw him?” asked Bryon as he ignored Grandma Lois’ musings.
“Oh, just a week ago,” observed Grandma Lois. “He and Sally came by the Home to see me.”
“I’m glad he did,” reflected Byron.
“What about the girl? What’d they do with her?” asked Grandma Lois.
“I understand her family is keeping a low profile,” responded Byron. “I believe they had her cremated.”
“They got an early start on the burning, huh?” smiled Grandma Lois.
“That’s not up to us,” reflected Byron.
“Oh, I’m just joking,” replied Grandma Lois. “A little action never hurt nobody.”
“Well, it didn’t do Joe much good,” objected Byron.
“You never know,” responded Grandma Lois. “It might’ve been the best sex he ever had.”
“Please! Grandma!” pleaded Byron. “Sally might hear you!”
“All I’m saying is, that he was going to have a heart attack anyway,” reflected Grandma Lois. “His time was up. So if you’re time’s up, you might as well get the biggest bang for your buck. You know what I mean?”
“I hear what you’re saying,” replied Byron. “But look at how it hurt Sally.”
“Hurt Sally?” pondered Grandma Lois. “Which hurts more, Joe with another woman, or a life without Joe?”
“I guess only Sally can figure that one out,” observed Byron.
“I mean that’s the way it is at the Home,” offered Grandma Lois. “It hurts far more to have your man die than to catch him with some other woman in the bushes.”
“Grandma!” remarked an embarrassed Byron. “You shouldn’t talk like that.”
“Well, young man, just because you don’t want me to talk like that, don’t mean that it don’t happen,” reflected Grandma Lois.
“You mean, you really have couples in the bushes?” asked an intrigued Byron.
“All the time,” replied Grandma Lois. “I’ve got my favorite bush and my favorite squeeze.”
“Gosh, I’m flabbergasted,” responded Byron. “They catch old people all the time?”
“Sure do,” offered Grandma Lois. “Just the other day they caught Old Man Roberts there.”
“Who was with him?”
“Nobody,” smiled Grandma Lois. “The Old Codger forgot to take someone with him.”
“You mean. . .?”
“Yeah, he was in the bushes whacking it all by himself,” laughed Grandma Lois.
“Grandma!!”
“Well, enough of that,” observed Grandma Lois. “Where’s Sally?”
“I’ll take you to her,” offered Byron.
Grandma Lois bent over and gently kissed Joe on the cheek. She turned to Byron and wiped a tear from her eye. “Bryon, he was a good man.”
(Tap, tap)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Final Viewing
“Are you sure you want to be alone at this time?” asked the Funeral Director.
“Yes, I’m sure,” replied Sally. “I want to tell my husband goodbye.”
“That’s fine,” assured the Funeral Director. “We’ll be outside the door if you need us.”
“Thank you.”
The Funeral Director gently closed the door as Sally approached the casket bearing her husband.
She silently stood for a long time looking at Joe. She reached out and touched his hand. She was somewhat surprised as to how hard and cold it felt. She gently caressed his hand with her fingers. She brushed his hair with her hand. She slowly ran her fingers across his lips. She bent down and kissed his lips.
“I love you, Joe.”
Sally turned, walked out of the room and closed the door behind her.
(Tap, tap)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Services
“We will begin the service with Sister Matilda singing Amazing Grace,” observed the Rev. Carl.
Sister Matilda stood, adjusted her dress, and approached the microphone.
“♪Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me♪”
(Tap, tap)
“♪I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see♪”
(Tap, tap)
Matilda stopped her singing and turned to the Rev. Carl, “Someone is tapping.” The Rev. Carl stood and looked out over the audience.
“If someone is going to be so rude at a time like this,” observed the Rev. “At least you could keep time with the music.” The people in the audience turned to see if they could find who was tapping. Everyone shrugged their shoulders as if pleading innocence.
(Tap, tap)
Everyone stared straight ahead in shock. Someone muttered, “The casket.” The Rev. Carl turned and bent down to listen to the coffin. After the longest time, he turned to the audience.
“We’re not going to let this turn in to some kind of cruel joke,” observed the Rev. Carl. “I’m going to preach this man into heaven if it takes us all day. Please bow your heads in prayer.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Procession
“I can’t believe you didn’t get the ring,” smirked Bob as he shook his head.
“I’m telling you, it wouldn’t come off,” replied Ben in his defense.
“We could’ve hocked that ring,” continued Bob.
“It wouldn’t come off, Bob,” bristled Ben. “I’m telling you, I tried. It wouldn’t come off.”
“Why didn’t you break the finger off?” inquired Bob.
“I was about to when that preacher came into the room,” replied Ben.
“What was he doing in there?”
“He said he thought the widow was still in there,” reflected Ben. “He almost caught me.”
“Man, I just hate to see good money go to waste like that,” observed Bob. “Now they’re gonna bury it six feet in the ground.”
“I know,” replied Ben. “But I’m telling you, I tried.”
Bob looked out the left window of the hearse with disgust as Ben glanced out the right window.
“Look at all those cars following us,” observed Ben.
“Yeah, I know,” reflected Bob. “It’s like everybody’s chasing the hearse.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” responded Ben. “It’s kinda funny.”
“I know,” agreed Bob. “If I turn to the right, they all follow. If I stop, then they stop. Anything me and this hearse does, they do it too.”
“Bob, that’s almost like life itself,” reflected Ben. “No matter what we do or what road we go down, we’re really just chasing our own hearse. We all are headed for the grave.”
“Wow, the new kid on the block is a philosopher,” smirked Bob.
“No, not really,” laughed Ben. “I just think it’s funny. You know, everybody chasing a hearse and all.”
(Tap, tap)
“Bob, I heard a tapping noise,” observed Ben.
“Well, Ben, in a hearse you’re liable to hear almost anything,” reflected Bob. “Your first reaction is that whoever is in the box is trying to get out.”
“Is that what you think?” asked Ben.
“No, it’s not, because it can’t be,” replied Bob. “You just can’t let your imagination run wild.”
“So what do you do?” inquired Ben.
“You turn the radio up louder,” offered Bob as he adjusted the volume. “No matter what noise you think you’re hearing, keep turning the radio up and you won’t hear it anymore.”
♪♫♪♫
(Tap, tap)
♪♫♪♫
(Tap, tap)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Grave Site
“Amen,” said the Rev. Carl. As he approached Sally he could hear sobbing in the crowd standing around the funeral tent.
“My dear, I’ll come by and check on you tomorrow,” offered the Rev.
“Thank you, Rev. Carl,” Sally said as she started to tremble.
Byron put his arm around her and helped her to her feet.
“I can’t leave him, Byron,” cried Sally as the tears came flowing.
“I know, sis,” comforted Byron as he began to weep. “We have to leave. We have to.”
Byron directed Sally to the awaiting car, as her crying became the wailing of agony. No eye was left dry as all the observers made their way to their vehicles. One by one the cars drove out of the cemetery and headed for home.
(Tap, tap)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Interment
“Now, Roy. I can’t bury this fella all by myself.”
“I’ll be there in a bit, Cledus,” replied Roy.
“What in tar nation are ya doin’ Roy?” asked Cledus.
“I’m a figurin’,” reflected Roy.
“What ya figurin’?” asked Cledus.
“I’m a figurin’ how we uns can get a farm,” replied Roy.
“A farm?!?” laughed a surprised Cledus. “What in tar nation would ya do with un a farm?”
“Raise cows.”
“Cows?”
“Yep, cows,” revealed Roy. “Then I can get milk and butter and I can et cows.”
“Well, Roy ya might have an idea there,” reflected Cledus. “I could help ya run ya farm.”
“Yep, that’s the way I’m figurin’ it, Cledus,” offered Roy.
“It sure would help my old knee to not have to dig these here holes anymore,” reflected Cledus.
“Yep, that’s the way I’m figurin’ it, Cledus,” replied Roy. “There’s all types of critters on a farm.”
“Roy, you been figurin’ pretty darn good,” laughed Cledus. “We uns could put our money together and buy a farm!”
“Yep, that’s the way I’m figurin’ it, Cledus,” observed Roy. “Then I can marry your little sister.”
“Ya figurin’ that, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Well, she sure is sweet on ya, Roy,” reflected Cledus. “Everyday I get home it’s Roy this and Roy that. I wouldn’t mind so much but she just goes on and on and on and won’t stop.”
“I’m sweet on her too, Cledus,” revealed Roy.
(Tap, tap)
“When ya figurin’ we can do it, Roy?” asked Cledus.
“I’m figurin’ nary more six months,” replied Roy.
(Tap, tap)
“Roy, you heerd what I heerd?” asked Cledus.
“What ya heerd, Cledus?”
“Well, Roy jest listen and see if ya heerd what I heerd,” replied Cledus.
“I ain’t heerd nuttin’, Cledus,” reflected Roy.
“I heerd somebody tapping,” revealed Cledus.
“I ain’t heerd no tapping, Cledus,” replied Roy.
“Now Roy, I knows when I heerd tapping,” bristled Cledus. “Tapping is tapping. And I heerd tapping. Ya don’t have to act like I don’t know nuttin’.”
“I didn’t say nuttin’, Cledus.”
“But ya thunk it, Roy.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“There. Did ya heerd it?” asked a hushed Cledus.
“Ya thunk it might be the fella in that there box?” asked Roy.
“Oh, Roy,” laughed Cledus. “They done squeezed all his blood out. He’s done stiffer than my old bummed knee. He ain’t got no way to tap.”
“Well, ya prob’bly heerd a woody pecker,” observed Roy.
“Yep, you prob’bly right, Roy,” reflected Cledus.
“Yep, prob’bly right,” mused Roy.
“OK, he’s down in the hole,” observed Cledus. “Ya comin’ courtin’ my little sister tonite, Roy?”
“I’m figurin’ on it,” replied Roy.
“Well, when you stop by we uns can be figurin’ more on this here farm of yours,” reflected Cledus. “Might as well cover this hole.”
“I’ll get the tractor, Cledus.”
Roy climbed aboard the earthmover.
(Tap, tap)
The earthmover roared to life.
(Tap, tap)
The earthmover moved the first load of dirt into the grave.
(Knock, knock)
The earthmover spread the rest of the dirt into the grave and packed the soil into place.
(Bang, bang)
Cledus laid the layer of grass back into place covering the grave.
(Bang) THE END (Bang)
Copyright ©2003 by Jerry W. Crews
A Grave Situation (2nd and final sequel to "Heavy Breathing")
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