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“Gaul durnnit, Roy!” yelled Cledus. “That thar’s two more cows missin’ jest this week!”
“Ya sure, Cledus?”
“I counted ‘em,” asserted Cledus.
“It jest don’t seem right,” mused Roy as he scratched his head.
“Well, I know how to count, Roy,” Cledus said in his defense. “I don’t have to take my shoes off to count more an ten, like some people do.”
“I can count more an ten,” protested Roy.
“Well, then ya count ‘em, Mister Smarty Britches, and ya’ll see I’m right,” declared Cledus.
“Ain’t no need to get so huffy about it,” offered Roy. “They prob’bly round here somers.”
“Well, if they are, I ain’t seen ‘em,” observed Cledus.
“How many we missin’,” asked Roy.
“Far as I can figure, that’s five,” replied Cledus.
“Ya think it could be one of ‘em Miller boys,” asked Roy.
“That family that moved down from southern Georgie?”
“Yep.”
“I know ‘em boys ain’t up to no good,” replied Cledus. “But cattle rustlin’ be purty serious, even for ‘em boys.”
“Yep, ya prob’bly right,” observed Roy. “Wait a minute, Cledus. Look over thar!”
“Well, hog tie me and tickle me to death,” exclaimed Cledus. “Thar’s two of the cows!”
“Ya sure they’re ours?”
“Thar ya go again, Roy,” bristled Cledus. “Ya think I don’t know nothin’.”
“Now I didn’t say nothin’, Cledus.”
“Yeah, but ya thunk it,” replied Cledus.
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Well, say what ya want, Roy,” stated Cledus. “I’m gonna go get ‘em cows.”
“I’m goin’ too.”
###############
“Roy, look at these cows,” declared Cledus. “Thar’s somethin’ wrong with ‘em.”
“Well, golly, they all fat,” observed Roy.
“They done swelled up like a horny toad,” replied Cledus.
“Sure enough.”
“What ya thunk would’ve done that?” asked Cledus.
“Ya got me,” replied Roy. “Look how squishy her belly is when I push on it.”
“Whew-eee,” shouted Cledus. “That’s the loudest cow fart I’d ever heerd.”
“Looky, Cledus,” observed Roy. “She ain’t as fat as she was.”
“Ya done squeezed it out of ‘er,” replied Cledus.
“I sure did,” reflected Roy. “Cledus ya get on the other side of this ‘un. We’ll squeeze together.”
“Golly,” shouted Cledus. “Ya could almost see that one squirt out of her.”
“Mooooo.”
“I thunk she liked that, Cledus,” observed Roy.
“She sure did,” replied Cledus, “She reminds me of my uncle Bart.”
“Your mamma’s brother?”
“Yep, that’s the one,” reflected Cledus. “He can really let ‘em fly. He’d cock that leg and Wham-Boom, it would shake the whole house.”
“Boy, that’s a fart!”
“Yep. And stunk!” declared Cledus. “I mean to tell ya, they STU—UNK—UNK! I ain’t never smelt nothin’ worsen.”
“I’d never knowed.”
“I tell ya, Roy, mamma had ‘em over for supper one night,” mused Cledus. “She’d fetched a pot of beans to et.”
“Naw, not beans!”
“I’m here to tell ya,” declared Cledus. “Uncle Bart et and et and et and et. We’d barely get up from the table when he started.”
“Lawdy, mercy!”
“I mean, Roy, he started fartin’ and fartin’ and fartin’ some more,” revealed Cledus. “I didn’t thunk he’d ever stop.”
“Did he?”
“He won’t stop,” shared Cledus. “So mamma gets her big old sweeping broom and hits ‘em up side his noggin’.”
“Good for her.”
“When she hit ‘em, I’m tellin’ ya, Roy,” replied Cledus. “He let out the biggest and loudest fart I’d ever seen. I was standin’ near ‘em and it caught me right in the chest.”
“What happened?”
“I’m here to tell ya,” replied Cledus. “It knocked me flat. I mean it knocked me flat on my behind. I didn’t know nuttin’ thar for a spell.”
“What ya mamma do?”
“Well, she’s push Uncle Bart out the door,” revealed Cledus. “She’s chasin’ him down the road with her broom and he fartin’ every other step.”
“What happened then?”
“Well, mamma got back from chasin’ Uncle Bart, and we’d had to open the winders cause it stunk so bad,” observed Cledus. “Thar ain’t nothin’ smelt any worsen.”
“How long ya do that?”
“Purt near two days,” answered Cledus. “And it was cold. Snow was on the ground.”
“I’d never knowed, Cledus.”
“Well, I guess we best be gettin’ these cows some feed,” reflected Cledus.
“Yep, reckon ya right,” replied Roy. “Maybe morrow we can find the rest of ‘em.”
###############
“Now, Roy jest listin’ to me ‘for ya say somethin’,” declared Cledus.
“Listin’ to what?”
“Now, Roy didn’t I jest say to listin’ to me ‘for ya say somethin’?” asked Cledus.
“Yep, you did.”
“Well, then, jest listin’ to me ‘for ya say somethin’,” commanded Cledus. “Ya don’t have to keep goin’ on and on and on when I say ‘jest listin’ to me ‘for ya say somethin’.’ All ya gotta to do, Roy, is jest listin’ to me ‘for ya say somethin’.”
“OK.”
“Thar’s two more cows missin’. Now, Roy don’t say nothin’, jest listin’ to me,” demanded Cledus. “But with the rain last nite, thar’s some good tracks we can follow.”
“Well, let’s go do it.”
“I’m right behind ya, Roy.”
###############
“These here tracks looks like thar heading to the old Miner’s Cave,” observed Roy.
“I thunk ya got something thar, Roy,” replied Cledus. “Why would’n our cows go thar?”
“’Tis hard to figure.”
“I’d never knowed ‘em to go thar before,” reflected Cledus.
“’Tis hard to figure.”
“They ain’t been nobody in that cave since ‘em Miller boys hid thar,” observed Cledus.
“The ones that moved down from southern Georgie?”
“Yep, one and the same,” replied Cledus. “But the law got ‘em and hauled ‘em off to jail.”
“Yep, I’d ferget ‘bout that.”
“Roy, are ya seein’ what I’m seein’?” asked Cledus.
“What ya seein’, Cledus?”
“Well, jest look over thar,” replied Cledus. “And see if you’re seein’ what I’m seein’.”
“I’m seein’ a fella layin’ on the ground,” observed Roy.
“Well, looky thar,” observed Cledus. “He ain’t nothin’ but a little fella.”
“Sure enough.”
“He kinda looks like one of ‘em Miller boys, don’t he Roy?” asked Cledus.
“The ones that moved down from southern Georgie?”
“Yep, one and the same,” replied Cledus. “Whew-eee, he’s done stinkin’ dad!”
“He sure’s smellin’ up the air,” reflected Roy.
“Whew-eee, he’s stinkin’ so bad the buzzards won’t even touch ‘em,” observed Cledus.
“I won’t neither if’n I was one,” replied Roy.
“Looky thar, Roy,” Cledus said in disbelief. “The little fella ain’t dad, he’s movin’!”
“Ya sure, Cledus?” asked Roy.
“Now, Roy, I knows when a fella’s dad,” replied Cledus. “Dad is dad. I knows what dad is and this little fella ain’t dad. Ya don’t have to act like I don’t know nothin’.”
“I didn’t say nothin’, Cledus.”
“Yeah, but ya thunk it.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Looky thar, Roy,” observed Cledus. “The little fella’s pointin’ toward that thar cave.”
“The old Miner’s cave?”
“One and the same.”
“Lllaaamu.”
“He’s tryin’ to say somethin’, Cledus.”
“What’s ya tryin’ to say, little fella?” asked Cledus.
“Lllaaamu.”
“No, little fella, that thar’s a ‘cave’,” replied Cledus.
“Lllaaamu.”
“No, little fella, liken I said, that thar’s a ‘cave’,” corrected Cledus. “CA—AA—AVE. Roy, I thunk his stinkin’ done got to his noggin’.”
“Maybe he talks one of ‘em other speeches,” observed Roy. “Ya know like that Frenchy or that I—Talian.”
“Well, you prob’bly right, Roy,” replied Cledus. “Roy, ya ever wanta talk some other speech?”
“Nope, never did.”
“How ya reckon?” asked Cledus.
“Well, the way I reckon,” reflected Roy. “If’n I had two speeches rollin’ round in my noggin’, I’d not knowed which one to thunk with.”
“Yep, ya prob’bly right, Roy,” replied Cledus. “What ya thunk we oughta do with the little fella?”
“Well, the way he’s pointin’ to the old cave, I reckon we oughta take ‘em in thar,” reflected Roy.
“Yep, ya prob’bly right, Roy,” reflected Cledus. “I’ll tote the little fella in thar.”
“No need Cledus. I’ll tote ‘em in thar.”
“Thar ya go again, Roy,” bristled Cledus. “Ya don’t thunk I can tote the little fella to that thar cave. Ya always thunk jest cause ya bigger and stronger an me, I can’t do nothin’.”
“I didn’t say nothin’, Cledus.”
“Yeah, but ya thunk it.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Well, if ya gonna be that way, Roy,” replied Cledus. “Ya jest go ahead and tote the little fella ya self. I’ll pull the old pickup truck to that thar cave.”
###############
“Now, Roy, watch ya self,” cautioned Cledus. “This floor’s done slicker an a baby’s butt.”
“Yep, and this fella’s a lot more heavier than he looks,” replied Roy.
“Well, looky over thar, Roy,” observed Cledus. “Thar’s a light on in that thar part of the cave.”
“Yep, I see it too.”
“Roy, do ya thunk it might’en be ‘em Miller boys?” asked Cledus.
“The ones that moved down from southern Georgie?”
“Yep, one and the same,” replied Cledus. “Well, I’ll be. Thar’s another little fella over thar.”
“Sure enough.”
“Hey, little fella!” shouted Cledus. “We uns got your little buddy here. He done got sick and startin’ stinkin’.”
“Now, Cledus, don’t go hurtin’ nobody’s feelings,” cautioned Roy.
“I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, Roy,” replied Cledus. “But he is stinkin’.”
“I knowed, Cledus.”
“Real bad, too, Roy.”
“I knowed, Cledus.”
“He’s stinkin’ so bad, we done thunk he uns dad.”
“I knowed, Cledus.”
“Hey, little fella,” yelled Cledus. “Ya need to help your little buddy, here.”
“Cccuuuba.”
“He done talkin’ that Frenchy, too, Roy,” observed Cledus.
“Maybe that I-Talian,” replied Roy.
“Yep, ya prob’bly right, Roy,” reflected Cledus.
“Cccuuuba.”
“I thunk he wants ya to sit the little fella down over thar, Roy,” observed Cledus.
“Whew, that was a load to tote,” replied Roy.
“And with ‘em stinkin’ real bad, too, Roy,” whispered Cledus. “Looky thar, Roy. He’s done put some sorta mask on the little fella.”
“It must be helpin’,” replied Roy. “He’s purkin’ right up.”
“Mmmiiivs.”
“It’s purt near a shame he ain’t talkin’ like us,” observed Cledus.
“Mmmiiivs,” replied the alien. “Thank you for saving my pilot.”
“Lawdy, Roy, he’s talkin’ like us,” laughed Cledus. “Ya more an welcome, little fella.”
“I apologize for the language difference,” remarked the alien. “But it took me a few moments to regulate my translator.”
“Yeah? Well, are ya boys ‘em Miller boys?” asked Cledus.
“The ones that moved down from southern Georgie,” added Roy.
“No, my name is Tamaa,” replied the alien. “My pilot’s name is Hamuu.”
“My name’s Cledus. And this here’s, Roy. He’s married to my sister,” explained Cledus. “Where ya little fellas from?”
“We are from Jachwan.”
“Ya don’t say,” reflected Roy. “Is that north of Atlanta?”
“It is far away in another part of the galaxy,” replied Tamaa.
“Well, what in tar nation are ya little fellas doin’ way out here?” asked Cledus.
“We were exploring this system looking for an ancient species known as the Prokkians,” explained Tamaa. “The inhabitants of this planet bear a remarkable resemblance to them.”
“Hmm, I don’t know any Prokky-ans,” replied Cledus. “Of course, we uns Baptist and we don’t knows much other churches.”
“No, they are not a religious group,” explained Tamaa. “They lived on the planet of Prokk thousands of years ago. Ancient writings say their planet was destroyed by the Qualins.”
“Well, ya got me thar,” reflected Cledus. “I don’t know much about no writin’.”
“Ya see, me and Cledus can read just a bit,” explained Roy. “We never had much schoolin’.”
“Thar ya go agin, Roy,” bristled Cledus. “Runnin’ me down right here in front of these little fellas.”
“I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, Roy.”
“Yeah, ya say that now,” replied Cledus. “I thunk ya did.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Well, why ya little fellas lookin’ for ‘em Prokky-ans?” asked Cledus.
“According to legend, they hid a weapon we’re looking for,” explained Tamaa.
“The only weapon we uns got is our old shotgun out in the pick-up truck,” replied Cledus. “Ya little fellas are more an welcomed to it, if ya need it.”
“Thank you, Cledus,” smiled Tamaa. “But the weapon we’re seeking is far more powerful than a shotgun.”
“Roy, maybe they uns lookin’ for one of ‘em nukey bombs, that Junior was tellin’ us about,” observed Cledus.
“Sure enough.”
“No, the weapon we’re searching for is far more powerful than a nuclear bomb,” replied Tamaa. “It’s called an AXX-27 or Planet Buster.”
“A Planet Buster?” asked Roy. “That sounds downright nasty.”
“It is the most powerful weapon ever invented,” explained Tamaa. “In fact, it was what destroyed the ancient world of Prokk.”
“After the destruction of Prokk, all species agreed to ban PBs,” reflected Hamuu.
“That ban has lasted for centuries,” continued Tamaa. “But now, we have evidence the evil Krogans are attempting to produce PBs again.”
“Why in tar nation do ya want a thing like that?” asked Cledus.
“The Qualins and the Krogans have suppressed my people for ages,” replied Tamaa. “If we could find the lost Planet Buster, we could once again demand the respect of all species in the galaxy.”
“Well, go figure,” reflected Cledus. “What can we uns do to help ya little fellas?”
“Unfortunately, we crashed our ship here on your farm,” explained Tamaa.
“I did the best I could, but I still crashed the ship,” added Hamuu.
“See, Roy, ya ain’t the only bad driver thar is,” laughed Cledus.
“I can drive better an ya can, Cledus,” bristled Roy.
“Now, Roy, everybody knowed ya can do a lot of things good,” replied Cledus. “But driving ain’t one of ‘em.”
“Was that thar that noise we un heerd the other night?” asked Roy.
“No doubt it was,” replied Tamaa. “We barely escaped alive.”
“And we thunk it was ‘em mili-tary boys again, Roy,” observed Cledus. “They’re always doin’ somethin’ round here.”
“Sure enough.”
“Our air tanks were destroyed during the crash,” interrupted Hamuu. “So we hid in this cave until we could get some more air.”
“Well, golly. All ya gotta do is jest breathe,” replied Cledus. “All ya gotta do is jest breathe in and out—in and out—in and out.”
“Thar’s plenty good air all round us,” added Roy.
“We don’t breathe oxygen the way you earthlings do,” explained Tamaa. “We come from a world where we breathe methane.”
“Methy-ane?” pondered Cledus.
“I’d never knowed,” reflected Roy. “What’s methy-ane?”
“It’s a different air than what you breathe,” replied Hamuu.
“Well, go figure,” pondered Cledus. “I never heerd of such a thing.”
“I bet Junior’s knowed ‘bout it,” observed Roy.
“Mooooo.”
“Looky thar, Roy,” said an excited Cledus. “Over thar’s our cows.”
“Lawdy mercy.”
“And looky thar, Roy,” observed Cledus. “Thar big and fat like ‘em other cows we found.”
“Sure enough.”
“Golly. Looky thar, Roy,” continued Cledus. “They uns got some kinda hosey pipe comin’ out of thar butts!”
“Sure enough.”
“And looky over thar,” exclaimed Cledus. “That hosey pipe goes right over to ‘em tanks sittin’ thar at ‘em little fellas.”
“Sure enough.”
“Ya little fellas sure ya ain’t ‘em Miller boys?” asked Cledus.
“The ones that moved down from southern Georgie?”
“One and the same,” replied Cledus. “They uns always up to somethin’.”
“Now, Cledus, they done says they ain’t ‘em Miller boys,” corrected Roy. “Ya know, the ones that moved down from southern Georgie.”
“Thar ya go again, Roy,” bristled Cledus. “Tryin’ to make me look bad right here in front of these little fellas.”
“I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, Cledus.”
“Well ya thunk it, Roy.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“What ya little fellas doin’ with our cows?” asked Cledus.
“We’ve been using them to make air for us to breathe,” explained Tamaa.
“Golly, I never heerd such a thing,” exclaimed Cledus. “We uns use ‘em for milk and we et ‘em, but for air?”
“Their gastrointestinal emissions are mostly methane, which we need to breathe in order to stay alive,” explained Hamuu.
“Huh??”
“Their flatulence,” replied Hamuu. “Uh, how else do you say it in your language?”
“It sounds like ‘Plfffffff’,” explained Tamaa.
“Ya mean a ‘fart’?” asked Roy.
“Yes, that’s it,” exclaimed Tamaa. “A fart!”
“Golly, ya mean ya little fellas are breathin’ cow farts?” Cledus asked in disbelief.
“Yes.”
“Ya mean a stinkin’ old cow fart?”
“Yes.”
“Ya mean if ya didn’t breathe a stinkin’ old cow fart, ya uns be dad?”
“Yes.”
“Golly. I ain’t never heerd such a thing, Roy,” exclaimed Cledus.
“’Tis hard to figure, Cledus.”
“No wonder ya little fellas smelt stinkin’ dad,” observed Cledus.
“Now, Cledus, thar’s no need for ya to go hurtin’ these fellas feelings,” corrected Roy.
“I uns sorry, Roy,” replied Cledus. “I didn’t mean nothin’ by it.”
“I knowed, Cledus.”
“There’s no need for an apology,” explained Tamaa. “To us it doesn’t smell bad. In fact, to us it’s a breath of fresh air.”
“We should be the ones apologizing to you,” replied Hamuu. “We took your cows without telling you.”
“We didn’t know if you would understand or not,” continued Tamaa. “Our history has shown that species and cultures have not always been tolerant of each other’s differences.”
“Ah, shucks, we won’t mind if ya needs our cow’s farts,” replied Cledus. “Me and Roy got maybe twenty or so and a couple bulls, if ya uns need ‘em.”
“That is very generous of you,” reflected Hamuu.
“What’s all ‘em contraptions for?” asked Roy.
“The pipes help the cows effectively formulate gastrointestinal emissions, uh, that is, farts,” explained Hamuu. “Then the pipes bring the gas over to our tanks.”
“Each tank has a regulator,” continued Tamaa. “It condenses and purifies the methane so we can put it into our personal tanks.”
“And we breathe the methane from our own tanks,” reflected Hamuu.
“Golly,” said a speechless Cledus.
“Cledus, they won’t need no cow farts, if’n ya uncle Bart was here,” observed Roy.
“That’s for sure, Roy,” laughed Cledus. “He could’ve filled ‘em tanks better an ‘em cows can.”
“All ya have to do is let ‘em et some beans,” snickered Roy.
“Lawdy, mercy me,” exclaimed Cledus. “He et some beans and you won’t need none of ‘em tanks. He’d fill this whole darn cave with farts.”
“Sure enough.”
“And they be stinkin,” continued Cledus. “I ain’t never smelt nothin’ worsen.”
“Sure enough.”
“’Em little fellas won’t need no mask,” laughed Cledus. “They uns could sit here and jest breathe Uncle Bart’s farts!”
“I won’t light no match, Cledus,” observed Roy.
“Ya prob’bly right, Roy,” replied Cledus. “It’d blow these little fellas clean up to Georgie.”
“Sure enough.”
“One time momma had ‘em sit us kids,” reflected Cledus. “And he shows us how he can sit a candle on that thar coffee table. He done dropped his drawers, and then he bent down and blew a biggin’ right at that candle.”
“Lawdy mercy!”
“That fire shot right ‘cross the living room,” continued Cledus. “Caught ‘em curtains right on fire.”
“Lawdy mercy!”
“We un kids runnin’ round getting pots of water to put the curtains out,” explained Cledus.
“Ya get it out?”
“Yep, sure did,” replied Cledus. “Then we uns smelt somethin’ burnin’.”
“What was it?”
“Lawdy, we uns look round, and Uncle Bart’s big old butt’s on fire,” explained Cledus.
“Lawdy mercy, Cledus!”
“Yep, Roy, if I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’,” continued Cledus. “Uncle Bart runnin’ round smackin’ his butt tryin’ to get the fire out.”
“Golly, Cledus!”
“I’m chasin’ ‘em tryin’ to throw a pot of water on ‘em,” explained Cledus. “Then he finally snags his foot on mamma’s old throw rug and falls flat on his face.”
“Lawdy mercy.”
“So I throws the pot of water on ‘em and puts the fire out,” continued Cledus.
“Was he hurt none, Cledus?”
“Naw. Jest his pride,” reflected Cledus. “’Course they won’t nary a hair left on his big old butt. The fire burnt ‘em right off.”
“I’d never knowed, Cledus.”
“If’n ya little fellas want me to, I’ll go and fetch Uncle Bart for ya,” offered Cledus. “I’m sure he’d give ya all the farts ya’ll want.”
“That’s very kind of you, Cledus,” smiled Tamaa. “But if you don’t mind, we would prefer using the cows.”
“Yep, ya prob’bly right,” replied Cledus. “Least ‘em cows won’t talk ya head off the way Uncle Bart would. I can’t figure where he gets it from, but when he starts talkin’, he jest goes on and on and on. Ya’d thunk he’s gonna stop, but he jest goes on and on and on. Ya thunk his tongue’d get tired.”
“Some folks that way, Cledus,” offered Roy.
“If ya little fellas don’t mind, we uns gonna bring ya some other cows, so these uns can et and rest,” offered Cledus.
“That is very generous of you,” suggested Hamuu.
“Ah, shucks, we uns jest bein’ neighborly,” replied Cledus.
“Ya fellas need us to fetch ya some beans, or somethin’ to et?” asked Roy.
“Thank you, Roy, but we eat very little, and we have plenty,” replied Tamaa.
“Well, Roy, let’s go get some more cows.”
“I’m right behind ya, Cledus.”
###############
“I hopes ya little fellas had a good nite sleep,” offered Cledus.
“Well, good morning, Cledus,” replied Tamaa. “In fact, we did. Where’s Roy this morning?”
“Roy done took sick,” explained Cledus. “Mighty sick.”
“What’s wrong with him?” asked Hamuu.
“The doc says it’s his old ticker,” replied Cledus.
“Ticker? We don’t understand,” said a bewildered Hamuu.
“His heart,” explained Cledus. “Doc says his old heart’s done worn out.”
“What about his other heart?” asked Tamaa.
“He ain’t got but one,” said Cledus.
“Your species only has one heart?” asked Hamuu.
“Yep. And when it goes bad, that’s it,” observed Cledus.
“So Roy is going to cease to exist,” reflected Tamaa.
“I’m afeerd so,” replied a teary eyed Cledus. “I know at times Roy could get on ya last nerve. Especially when he started talkin’ about somethin’. He’d jest go on and on and on and ya’d thunk he’d never stop. But he’s my best buddy. If’n he ups and dies, I’d miss him mighty badly. Mighty badly.”
“Well, Cledus, we usually don’t interfere with the natural order of other worlds,” observed Hamuu.
“But in this case, I think we might be able to help,” offered Tamaa.
“Old doc says they ain’t nothin’ be done,” replied Cledus. “Roy’s about to meet his Maker. My sister, that’s Roy’s wife, is fit to be tied. I can’t quite her down.”
“Cledus, we have some medicine that can help Roy,” offered Hamuu.
“Ya little fellas ought’n be funnin’ me at a time like this,” bristled Cledus.
“We’re serious, Cledus,” replied Tamaa. “Hamuu will go with you and give Roy the medicine.”
“Well, Golly,” exclaimed an excited Cledus. “That’s mighty neighborly of ya.”
“We’re glad to help,” replied Hamuu. “Let me get a fresh tank of air and I’ll be ready to go.”
“I got the old pick-up truck out here,” offered Cledus. “We uns can take it and get there real fast.”
“I’m ready to go, Cledus.”
“Ya sure ya got enough cow farts with ya?” asked Cledus. “I don’t want ya to come down sick, too.”
“I’ve got plenty, Cledus.”
###############
“Well, Cledus, who’s that you’ve got with you?” asked Tamaa.
“’Tis Roy,” beamed Cledus. “He done got well.”
“That’s great,” replied Hamuu. “It’s good to see you up and moving around, Roy.”
“Yep. It feels good, too,” replied Roy. “Old doc says he un can’t figure, but my old ticker is purt near as good as a baby’s.”
“That indeed is some good news,” observed Tamaa.
“That medicine that ya fellas gave me did the trick,” reflected Roy. “I want to thank ya for savin’ me.”
“It was our pleasure, Roy,” replied Tamaa.
“I ain’t never had no one treat me so neighborly,” observed Roy.
“Now, Roy, thar’s no need to go on and on and on about it,” interrupted Cledus. “They done said ya’s welcome.”
“I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, Cledus.”
“We’ve got some great news, too,” interjected Hamuu. “A ship from our world has contacted us. It’s coming to rescue us.”
“Well, golly, little fella,” exclaimed Cledus. “That sure is good news.”
“I brought ya a bottle of some corn whiskey,” offered Roy. “We uns can celebrate ya fellas goin’ home.”
“We can celebrate that and Roy’s feelin’ better,” reflected Cledus. “We uns made it right here on the farm.”
“Mmmm, that is some good liquor,” observed Hamuu.
“It sure is,” agreed Tamaa. “I thought the Krogans made the best liquor, but this is very good.”
“Well, it ain’t nothin’ but old corn whiskey,” replied Cledus. “It helps keep my old joints loose. I got me this bum knee. Stepped in a gopher hole. Ain’t been right since.”
“This corn whiskey is some good stuff,” observed Tamaa. “You fellas know how to make it.”
“Did he say, ‘fellas’, Roy?”
“I’d believe he did, Cledus.”
“That corn whiskey’s getting to the little fella, ain’t it Roy?” observed Cledus.
“Ya prob’bly right, Cledus.”
“How about a toast?” asked Hamuu.
“Yes, indeed, a toast,” replied Tamaa as he raised the bottle of corn whiskey.
“Here’s to Roy and Cledus,” offered Hamuu as he passed the bottle to the others. “They saved Tamaa and my life.”
“Here’s to ya little fellas,” offered Cledus as he passed the bottle to the others. “Ya done saved my best buddy’s life.”
“Here’s to good neighbors,” offered Tamaa. “Good neighbors are like cow farts: A breath of fresh air!”
“I done believe the little fella’s done had aplenty of corn whiskey,” observed Cledus.
“Ya prob’bly right, Cledus.”
###############
“Well looky thar, Roy,” exclaimed Cledus. “That’s a purty big ship for such little fellas.”
“Sure enough.”
“Tamaa, czruuaa bivvvmmm wpppgnnn?” asked the Commander of the ship.
“We are fine, Commander,” replied Tamaa. “But it will be good to be going home.”
“Have you destroyed your wrecked ship?” asked the Commander.
“Yes, we have,” replied Hamuu. “The earthlings will find no trace of us being here.”
“What about those two earthlings?” asked the Commander. “We will need to destroy them.”
“No, Commander. They are harmless,” observed Hamuu.
“But they have seen you,” replied the Commander. “You know our standard order is to destroy any beings we come into contact with during clandestine maneuvers.”
“These two earthlings saved us,” stated Tamaa. “Without their help we probably would have died weeks ago. I will not let anyone harm them.”
“Don’t let misguided sentiment for this backward species cloud your judgment,” warned the Commander.
“It is not a matter of ‘misguided sentiment’,” reflected Tamaa. “As we have learned in the last few weeks, it is a matter of just being ‘neighborly’.”
“’Neighborly’?” pondered the Commander. “I’m not familiar with that concept.”
“I’m afraid very few species in the galaxy truly understand what it means to be a ‘good neighbor’,” interjected Hamuu. “We’ll have plenty of time to explain it to you on the way back to Jachwan.”
“Then this will be on your head,” replied the Commander. “It will go into my report to the High Council.”
“So be it,” reflected Tamaa. “But here’s your first lesson in being ‘neighborly.’ It’s a gift to you from the earthlings.”
“What is it?”
“They call it corn whiskey,” replied Hamuu. “You will find that it’s as good if not better than Krogan liquor.”
“Hmmm, thank you. This ‘good neighbor’ concept might be worth looking into,” observed the Commander. “Did you find the lost PB on this planet?”
“No, we did not,” replied Hamuu. “It appears the ancient writings are just false stories. Evidently the Prokkians ceased to exist when Prokk was destroyed.”
“Along with them went the knowledge of where the lost PB is hid,” reflected Tamaa. “That is, if it ever existed in the first place.”
“So that’s all?” asked a bewildered Commander. “You’re not going to look anywhere else?”
“There is no need,” offered Tamaa. “That will be our report that we will make with the High Council.”
“So be it,” replied the Commander. “Gather all your belongings. We’ll be leaving shortly.”
###############
“Well, it looks like ya little fellas are ready to go,” observed Cledus.
“Yes, we are,” replied Tamaa.
“Thank ya again, for helpin’ my old ticker,” offered Roy.
“And thank you too, for letting us use your cows,” replied Hamuu.
“Ah shucks, it won’t nothin’,” observed Cledus.
“And thank you for showing us how different species can be good neighbors,” reflected Tamaa.
“’Tis the only way we knowed how,” replied Cledus. “We uns neighbors. Even though ya little fellas are stinkin’ real bad.”
“Now, Cledus, don’t go hurtin’ nobody’s feelings,” corrected Roy.
“I’m sorry little fellas.”
“That’s perfectly all right, Cledus,” smiled Tamaa. Moving closer and stretching up on his toes, he looked Cledus in the eyes and asked, “Are you sure you’re not Prokkian?”
“Naw, we ain’t,” smiled Cledus.
“We uns Baptist,” laughed Roy.
Cledus bent over and looked Tamaa directly in the eyes and asked, “Ya sure ya ain’t ‘em Miller boys?”
“The ones that moved down from southern Georgie?” asked Hamuu and Roy.
“Yep, one and the same,” laughed Cledus. “We uns gonna miss ya little fellas.”
“Our cows’ gonna miss ya, too,” observed Roy.
“We’re going to miss you, too,” reflected Tamaa.
“If the gods are willing, we will meet again,” observed Hamuu.
“Ya fellas drive safe up there,” offered Roy.
“We will,” replied Hamuu.
“And be sure an buckle up!” exclaimed Cledus.
“Goodbye!”
“Bye, ya’ll.”
###############
“Do ya think anybody’s gonna believe us?” asked Cledus.
“Cledus, I was thar with ya, and I wouldn’t believe nary a word ya says,” replied Roy.
“Well, Roy, maybe one of ‘em thar newsy papers would pay us big to tell ‘em about it,” pondered Cledus.
“Ya mean like that one ya got in the outhouse?” asked Roy.
“Yep.”
“Well, might be best if we jest kept our mouths shut,” reasoned Roy. “I don’t want nobody making fun of us.”
“Ya prob’bly right, Roy,” replied Cledus.
“Yep, prob’bly so.”
“You really think ‘em little fellas were really from outer space?” asked Cledus.
“Well, we did see their flying thing,” answered Roy.
“Yep, but it could’ve been one of ‘em secret mili-tary thing-a-bobs,” replied Cledus. “What ya think?”
“I don’t know, Cledus,” answered Roy. “They could’ve been government boys.”
“Yeah, prob’bly jest one of ‘em government conspiracies that Junior’s always going on about,” mused Cledus.
“Yep, could be.”
“Look up thar, in the sky, Roy,” Cledus said as he pointed upward.
“What is it?”
“Ya see that little red dot near the moon, Roy?” asked Cledus.
“Yeah, I do.”
“That’s what they call ‘Mars’,” offered Cledus. “Junior told me all about it.”
“That Junior’s got him some book learnin’.”
“Junior says it’s jest a desert planet,” observed Cledus. “Nary any life at all.”
“Ain’t that something?”
“Roy, would ya like to go to Mars?” laughed Cledus.
“Gosh, Cledus, I ain’t never been past Atlanta,” replied Roy.
“I got to go to Richmond one time,” bragged Cledus.
“Lawdy, I never knowed that, Cledus.”
“Yep, long time ago. Before I knowed ya,” said Cledus.
“I’d never knowed.”
“Roy, ya think folks ever go up to Mars?” wondered Cledus.
“Ya never know, Cledus,” answered Roy. “I guess if they quit fightin’ long enough, they could do it.”
“They’d prob’bly send one of ‘em astry-nuts,” reflected Cledus. “It’d prob’bly take ‘em a week or more to get thar.”
“Yep, it must be a pretty fir piece,” replied Roy. “But ya ain’t gonna catch me up thar.”
“Why not, Roy?”
“The Good Lord put me here,” reflected Roy. “If he wanted me up thar, then he would’ve put me up thar. That’s the way I reckon.”
“Yep, I guess you’re right, Roy,” mused Cledus. He took a deep breath and then thought out loud, “I sure wonder what it be like?”
“Thar’s no tellin’, Cledus,” observed Roy. “You’d jest never knowed what you’d find thar.”
BYE YA’LL
Copyright ©2003 by Jerry W. Crews
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