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Chapter One
Chapter One
A Dead End Street
A Dead End Street
601 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him-“Well, you know Bill and Susan are some good people. Nice and all. They’d do anything for you. But they sure keep a messy yard. They got all kinds of stuff in the back. You’d think they would want to keep it cleaner, but go figure.”
Her-“And you ought to see the house she keeps. My mother would roll over in her grave if I kept my home like that! It’s a shame. Such a beautiful home.”
Him-“The backyard is worse than the front. They’ve got an old stove back there, and even a mattress that’s been there for almost a year.”
Her-“And there’s bags of trash that should’ve been thrown away ages ago.”
Him-“And the sad part is they’re not trashy people. Bill has a good job. Makes a good wage.”
Her-“Susan is smart. She comes from such a good family. You’d think she would have learned better from her mother. Her mother is such an angel. It’s just tragic.”
Him-“I’ve considered taking up a petition from all the neighbors. Maybe if we all speak up they’ll straighten up and fly right.”
Her-“Well, something needs to be done.”
Him-“Well, the bad part is, it takes away from the neighborhood. I know the value of our property suffers. I sure would hate to try and sell with that mess nearby.”
Her (yelling across the street)-“Hi, Susan. Did you get a new perm? It looks divine.”
Him (yelling across the street)-“Bill! Looking good, old buddy.”
602 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him (yelling across the street)-“Thanks. You know you and I are the two best looking dudes on this street.” (Laughter)
Her (yelling across the street)-“Thank you. Joan, is that a new dress? Oh, I’m so jealous. Call me later. I want to tell you the latest I heard about the men in 606.”
Him-“Oh, they are so nice to your face, but Tom and Joan will stab you in the back in a heartbeat. The minute your back is turned, Bam! Right between the shoulder blades!”
Her-“And the next time she tells me how to cook and clean I’m gonna puke!”
Him-“That’s what her cooking tastes like. That stew beef she brought over yesterday tasted like puke. I don’t know what she considers beef, but that stuff yesterday had nothing to do with a cow.”
Her-“And the clothes she wears. She’s got to have the best and most expensive. Good for her! Just quit trying to rub it in my face every time she sees me. I buy my clothes for a quarter of what she pays, and I still look hotter than she does.”
Him-“Tom says she so concern with her hair staying in place, she refuses to give him any. She’s afraid it will permanently mess her hair up.”
Her-“Well, as much as she pays for it. And she goes to the salon every week. Give me a break.”
Him-“I guess that’s why Tom goes to the saloon every weekend.” (Laughter)
Her-“Between her hair spray and his liquor breath, I wouldn’t light a match anywhere near them!” (Laughter)
Him-“That might be what they need. Him and his perfect yard! He spends hours and hours keeping it just so. I guess when it’s dead in bed, you have to work hard in the yard.” (Laughter)
Her-“And her house is so, so clean! It’s too clean for them to ever have done the ‘nasty’ in it!” (Laughter)
Him-“I hope one of these days they wake up and see that there is a whole lot more to life than trying to keep everything sterile.”
Her-“Someday, somewhere, someone is going to teach them a lesson.”
Him-“Maybe I ought to crawl under their house and take a big shit!”
Her-(Laughter)-“Joan would go crazy tryin’ to clean the house over and over to get rid of the smell.”
Him-(Laughter)-“Yeah, and I bet Tom would get his metal detector out trying to find it. Stupid prick.”
604 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him-“I never thought I’d live to see the day we would have a faggat in the neighborhood. Makes me sick.”
Her-“But he is nice.”
Him-“It ain’t natural. The Good Lord will strike him down. The Lord only wants men and women to enter holy matrimony.”
Her-“Jesus wasn’t married.”
Him-“You watch your mouth, woman. Don’t you blaspheme.”
Her-“Sorry.”
Him-“A man has to be a man. What if God had made Adam and Adam? God knew what he was doing when he made man and woman.”
Her-“I saw you, the other day, looking at two women making love on TV.”
Him-“That was just entertainment. Besides the football game hadn’t come on yet.”
Her-“You and your football. Especially that one player. He’s all you talk about.”
Him-“Well, he’s good. That’s a man playing a man’s game. It’s not like those two across the street. Heaven knows what game they’re playing.”
Her-“They’re just people.”
Him-“Well, I just don’t like queers. Before you know it, he’ll have all his gay buddies hanging around. It just ain’t natural. He ever tries to touch me and I’ll blow his balls off!”
Her-“With a gun?”
Him-“You know that’s what I meant.”
606 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him No. 1-“Well, I know some in the neighborhood have a problem with my life style. But they’ll just have to get over it. I am who I am and that’s it.”
Him No. 2-“Well, since I moved in with William, I have been very happy here. You can just feel the love from everyone in the neighborhood. It’s so nice.”
Him No. 1-“Oh, don’t be so naïve. The guy across the street is the worse.”
Him No. 2-“Well, he is nasty.”
Him No. 1-“He’s always quoting the Bible. If he thinks you’re within earshot, he’s gonna spew out some Scripture.”
Him No. 2-“I asked the Missus the other day if I could borrow their Bible. She said she hadn’t seen a Bible around the house in years.”
Him No. 1-“Well, if he’s not quoting the Bible, he’s going on about football.”
Him No. 2-“Or about his favorite player. I can hear him now, ‘A man playing a man’s game.’”
Him No. 1-“Yeah, if he only knew that I had a fling with his football player. We were an item for almost three months. He’d just die if he knew.”
Him No. 2-“You mean there was someone else before me?”
Him No. 1-“Oh, don’t give me that puppy dog look. You did him too.”
Him No. 2-“Yeah, but only once.”
624 Hob Nob Avenue-
Her-“Everybody knows she’s a whore. Look at the way she dresses. And she flirts with the men all the time. They’re men going in and out of her house day and night. And not all of them are white.”
Him-“She dresses good.”
Her-“Look at her prancing around with barely a stitch of clothing. No don’t look! It’s just plain sinful.”
Him-“I haven’t seen her look too bad.”
Her-“That’s because you’re only a man. A woman can see through her evil. She’d put a spell on you before you’d know it. She’s of the Devil.”
Him-“Hmm.”
Her-“Look at all the makeup she has on. I’m telling you, she’s a Jezebel! Any man that touches her has just booked himself a first class ticket to the lake of fire.”
Him-“Maybe she’s just the lonely sort.”
Her-“Lonely!?! No God-fearing woman would do like she does. Satan himself has put her here to tempt all the good Christian husbands with her forbidden fruit! Hallelujah! Come Lord Jesus and smite this wickedness!”
Him-“Now, now. Calm yourself before you have a seizure.”
Her-”She has damned herself to the burning flames of hell. The Bible says so.”
Him-“Well, all I know is, she’s always been friendly to me.”
Her-“Of course she has. She can’t keep a man. She has to go from one to another. But I’ll tell you one thing: She’d better stay away from my husband! She touches him, and it’s gonna be on. I ain’t afraid to carry the Bible in one hand and a frying pan in the other!”
625 Hob Nob Avenue-
Her-“I know what all the people in this neighborhood think of me, and I don’t care. The men pretend to be friendly. They’re always asking if I need them to help me do something around the house. But I know all they want is to get me in bed. They’ve heard how good I am. They try to hide it because they don’t want their wives to find out how they’ve been acting. Boy, could I tell their women some stories. I could have all the husbands on this street in so much trouble. With what I know, this neighborhood would soon become DIVORCE Ave.
Of course, I doubt the wives would believe me. They all live in denial. They’ve made their little nests and they hover over them like any good hen would. Let someone like me come into their world, and all of a sudden they feel threaten. As soon as I walk outside, you can hear them start clucking. Of course, the women are all jealous of me. I live my life the way I want to, and they can’t stand it. If any of them had their lives to do over again, I bet they would be more like me. But they’ve locked themselves down with their ball and chain and they want to blame any free spirit for their misery.
They’re so busy trying to find out what everyone else in the neighborhood is doing, they don’t take the time and effort to keep their men satisfied, and they want to blame people like me. If they’d just ask me, I’d be glad to give them some pointers. But knowing some of their husbands, they could get it from their wives every day and still want something strange. And the women all know their husbands want me. They pretend everything is fine, but they’re not happy at all. They’re always suspicious.
But they don’t have anything to worry about from me. I’ve got my men. I want a man who is looking for a good time. That’s all I want. Besides, if the men in this neighborhood can’t make their women happy with their shriveled little dicks, what do they think they could do for a woman like me? It takes more than a pill popping puny pecker to satisfy me. I am Woman!”
631 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him-“Well, they’re just strange. They belong to some cult or something.”
Her-“They dress funny. Every time you see the woman of the house she has her head covered.”
Him-“She’s probably not a lot to look at.”
Her-“Did you see them yesterday? They were out for a walk, and she stayed about ten feet behind him. The weirdest thing I have ever seen.”
Him-“You walk past their house and you can hear chanting or something.”
Her-“It’s definitely not ‘Amazing Grace.’”
Him-“What kind of people are they that don’t believe in the Good Book?”
Her-“It’s a shame.”
Him-“I hear he won’t work on Saturday. It’s supposed to be their Sabbath or something.”
Her-“And did you notice the other day, they were out in their yard, and all of a sudden, they stopped what they were doing, and started bowing like they were praying or something.”
Him-“I tell you, this is not the neighborhood my parents used to live in. Things sure are different.”
Her-“Your fire and brimstone father would have done gone down to their house and either converted them or ran them out of the neighborhood.”
Him-“Well, it is different now. They got all those pantywaist liberals backing them. You try to touch them and you’ll be the one they throw in jail.”
Her-“I hear they sacrifice animals.”
Him-“They’d probably sacrifice people if they could get away with it.”
Her-“They’re definitely not Christians.”
Him-“It’s kinda scary to know we have someone like them in the neighborhood. It is no telling what mischief they’re up to.”
Her-“And the other day they wanted our daughter to play with their girl.”
Him-“That’s not going to happen! We’ve spent a lot of time making sure our daughter learns good family Christian values. We’re not going to let someone like them fill her head with all that mumbo jumbo.”
Her-“They need to go back where they came from and leave this country to those of us who have worked hard for it.”
632 Hob Nob Avenue-
(Soft chanting sounds.)
636 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him-“What can you say? They’re Mexicans. I guess it could be worse. They could’ve been a bunch of . . .”
Her (Interrupting)-“That’s African-Americans, dear.”
Him-“Yeah, blacks. But look at them. How many they gonna move into that house? I’ve done counted 15 with more probably coming.”
Her-“The lady is really nice.”
Him-“You can understand her? They don’t speak American. I think anybody that lives in this neighborhood oughta be able to speak American.”
Her-“She speaks some English.”
Him-“Well, I can’t understand a thing they say. And every time I walk past their house, they’re talking their Mexican gibberish, and when they look my way they start laughing.”
Her-“I’m sure it is just a coincidence.”
Him-“I know what I see and hear. They’re making fun of me all the time.”
Her-“They have beautiful children.”
Him-“Well, you see that’s the way it is. It’s not good enough for them just to move here, but they start having kids. Before you know it, they’re all over the place.”
Her-“They seem to fit into the neighborhood really well.”
Him-“I bet that’s their plan. They’ll come in here trying to act normal and everything. Before you know it, they’ll start dating the girls in the neighborhood. They’ll get married and start raising half-breeds. That way they can take over and ruin this country just like they have Mexico.”
Her-“You see the men going to work almost every day.”
Him-“Yeah, and I bet there’s not a green card among the lot of them. They probably smuggle drugs in from their relatives in Mexico. That’s probably where those boys down the street get their supply.”
Her-“I believe they are some hard working people.”
Him-“Well, yeah, the only jobs they can get are the ones normal people don’t want. And I bet they haven’t paid a dollar in taxes since they’ve been here.”
Her-“Well, I like them.”
Him-“I just get tired of my hard earned money going to keep riffraff like that up. What is this country coming to?”
637 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him-“Si, we love America.”
Her-“Si.”
641 Hob Nob Avenue-
Him-“Them damn kids kept me up again last night. With all that loud music and yelling.”
Her-“I couldn’t tell it by the snoring you were doing.”
Him-“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t sleep a wink. I called the cops, but all they did was tell them to keep it down. Some help they were.”
Her-“They were just having a party with some of their friends.”
Him-“Well, it ruined my sleep. I’m the one that has to go to work. I need my sleep. I can’t sleep all day, like they do.”
Her-“That’s the way it is when you’re young.”
Him-“A couple of weeks ago, one of them and his girlfriend were doing—you know what—right there in the front yard—in front of everybody. I saw the whole thing from our kitchen window.”
Her-“It took you 15 minutes to call the police.”
Him-“Well, I wanted to get my facts straight. I didn’t want to tell the cops something wrong.”
Her-“That was nice of you.”
Him-“And like I keep telling the cops, you can smell them funny cigrates being smoked all the time. I don’t know why I can smell it and the cops can’t.”
Her-“I think they’re a bunch of good kids.”
Him-“And then the going on’s last night! Look what I found in our yard this morning. A pack of condoms! Now I don’t have to tell you what they were going to use them for.”
Her-“This is a different brand than what we use.”
Him-“It was right over there where they threw some empty beer cans!”
Her-“I didn’t know they made condoms in a large size.”
Him-“Look at their yard. It is just full of liquor bottles and beer cans. All from last night.”
Her-“We were invited.”
Him-“We were? Well, I’m never going to be caught over there.”
Her-“At least we wouldn’t have to drive.”
Him-“And that’s another thing. Their yard was just full of cars. One tried to park in my driveway. I told him he’d better get the hell off my property! I ain’t puttin’ up with it.”
642 Hob Nob Avenue-
(Snoring with the occasional flatulence.)
647 Hob Nob Avenue-
Her (Sister #1)-“There’s something strange about him. He keeps to himself all the time.”
Her (Sister #2)-“I’m afraid he’s up to no good.”
Her (Sister #1)-“Do you think he could be a murderer?”
Her (Sister #2)-“Or from the mafia?”
Her (Sister #1)-“Or a sex offender?”
Her (Sister #2)-“Maybe he’s a child molester.”
Her (Sister #1)-“Oh, dear. What if he’s a rapist?”
Her (Sister #2)-“What if he’s one of those that sneaks into your bedroom in the middle of the night? Then he covers your mouth with one hand while his other hand gently strokes your breast, with his finger circling and playing with your nipple. . . .?”
Her (Sister #1)-“Oh, dear, dear!”
Her (Sister #2)-“. . .Then he suddenly rips off your clothes. Then he just stares at your naked body with lust swelling up in his eyes. . . .”
Her (Sister #1)-“Oh, my, my!”
Her (Sister #2)-“. . .Then he takes his sweaty, rock hard body, and places himself on top of you. . . .”
Her (Sister #1)-“Oh, I think I’m going to faint!”
Her (Sister #2)-“. . .Then with a devilish gleam in his eyes, he violates you until you scream at the top of your lungs for mercy. But he doesn’t stop until he is spent and satisfied, leaving both of you totally exhausted.”
Her (Sister #1)-“Oh, oh! We must do something!”
Her (Sister #2)-“Yes, dear sister, it is up to us to protect the neighborhood.”
Her (Sister #1)-“Well, let’s bake him a cake and take it over.”
Her (Sister #2)-“Yes, yes. Then we can see what is really going on.”
648 Hob Nob Avenue-
(Doorbell rings amid the aroma of freshly baked pastries.)
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Chapter Two
One-Way Out of A Dead End Street
One-Way Out of A Dead End Street
SkyHawk 7-“We’re flying over the new section of I-3 that opened to the traveling public today. The new stretch of highway cost $11 million and is 3.6 miles long. In building this super highway, many homes and businesses had to be purchased, with many being relocated to other areas of the county. We interviewed one family that had lived on Hob Nob Avenue, and had to move some months ago:”
Him-“Well, I sure miss the old neighborhood.”
Her-“It was so sad. We left behind a lot of good friends. Everyone in the neighborhood got along so well.”
SkyHawk 7-“Hob Nob Avenue as well as a few other streets no longer exist, thanks to the new highway. But that is the price of progress. No doubt the commuters, who will be using this new road to the downtown area, believe it is well worth the cost.
Reporting from high above the new I-3, this is SkyHawk 7.”
To be continued. . . . in another neighborhood.
Copyright ©2003 by Jerry W. Crews
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