Food Fight

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He stared unblinking at her. She stared unblinking at him. 

“I’m not going to eat you, cow!” shouted Simon. “I’m not going to hurt you. For Christsake! I’m a vegetarian.” 

After a few moments Simon looked away as his thoughts drifted back to the events that had led to his present predicament. He had traveled to Manaus, Brazil deep in the Amazon River. Simon had tried for days to catch a ship going to the Peruvian city of Iquitos. He had plans to meet his old professor from the university who had gone to Iquitos. From there they were to venture further into the rain forest to study nature at its best at the foot of the Andes Mountains. 

For days Simon tried in vain to catch a ride on a ship traveling westward. Finally, a skipper, by the name of Old Jack, said he would take him on his freighter for 300 Reals. That was far more than Simon had wanted to pay, but he was running out of time. The professor was on a deadline with the university and Simon knew he would not wait very much longer for him. So, Simon reluctantly paid Old Jack the money and boarded the ship The Miss Hap. It was the most dilapidated and run-down ship Simon had ever seen. But Old Jack assured him it was seaworthy and that he had nothing to fear. 

Everything proceeded as normal the first day traveling upstream. But on the second day out, things took a nasty turn. It was quite evident that Old Jack and his three-man crew had started drinking and were up to no good. They started arguing among themselves and finally one of the crew punched another crewmember in the face. The fight stopped only because Old Jack shot his pistol over their heads and threaten to kill both of them if they did not stop. After the fight had broken up, Old Jack turned his attention to Simon. 

He wanted Simon to eat and drink with him. Simon took a drink of liquor and immediately spit it out. Old Jack and his crew almost fell down laughing at Simon trying to get his breath back. Then Old Jack handed Simon a big turkey leg. Simon explained to Old Jack that he was a vegetarian and had not eaten meat for almost five years. Old Jack said he had never heard of such a thing. Simon tried to explain that killing animals was cruel and unnecessary. He tried to reason that if we have such little regard for animal life, then we will treat other life, including humans, the same way. But Old Jack and his men did not want to hear what Simon had to say, and were too drunk to comprehend much of anything. After he and his men had stopped laughing about someone who just eats plants, Old Jack turned deadly serious, and insisted Simon join him in eating some turkey. Simon politely refused. Two of the crew grabbed Simon and held him while Old Jack tried to push the turkey leg into Simon’s mouth. Simon gagged at the taste of the meat and accidentally spit the meat right into Old Jack’s face. 

Old Jack’s face turned bright red with anger and he smacked Simon across the lips causing them to bleed. After cursing and swearing, Old Jack took out his pistol and pointed it at Simon’s head. Simon assured Old Jack that he could kill him if he wanted, but there was nothing that would make him eat meat. Old Jack took a long menacing look at Simon and then put his pistol away. He cleared his throat a couple of times and then spit a huge wad of mucus right into Simon’s face. Old Jack told his men to get rid of Simon and throw him overboard. Simon protested that he had paid a lot of good money and if Old Jack had any decency about him he would honor their agreement. Old Jack scratched his chin while he pondered his options. He said he had always stood by his word and so he would take Simon to Iquitos. But he said he did not want to see Simon’s face until they docked at the port. So, he ordered his men to lock Simon in the metal container with the cow that he had brought on this trip. The men stripped Simon of his pants and shirt, leaving him with his T-shirt and shorts. Old Jack and his men had another big laugh when they saw Simon’s boxer shorts. They had been a gift from his girlfriend, and they had little hearts on them. 

The metal container was about 5x20 and completely enclosed. There were plenty of air holes on all sides but there was no food in the container. All they had was water to drink. The next day one of the crew brought some feed for the cow and pushed it into the container. He then slid a turkey leg into Simon. Simon kicked the leg back out of the container and sat down to watch the cow eat. 

As the cow had finished eating the feed, Simon heard a commotion up on the deck. There were men shouting and cursing and then it sounded like someone was fighting. Before long shots rang out. Simon fell to the floor and covered his head. He bolted straight up when one of the crew’s body fell from the deck and landed on top of the container. More shots rang out and then there was silence. Simon did not know if he should call for help or remain silent. He did not know who had taken over the ship. They could be worse than Old Jack. In fact, they had to be. They had killed Old Jack and all his crew. So Simon remained quite and waited for the attackers to leave. 

After a few hours of silence, Simon figured that the ship had been abandoned. There was a toss and turning to the ship that he had not noticed when Old Jack was steering it. Simon took a chance and yelled for help. No one came. So it was just Simon and the cow. They were locked in a metal container with plenty of water and no food. 

Simon finally got enough courage to put his hand through the holes in the top of the container. He tried to reach into the dead man’s pockets to see if there was a key to the lock on the container. There was no key, but he did find a large knife. With a great deal of stretching and sweat Simon was able to pull the knife out of the man’s boot and it fell to the floor. Simon hurriedly recovered the knife. He stood there clutching the knife and looking at the cow. This is when he told the cow that he was not going to eat her. 

Simon’s attention now turned to figuring a way out of the container. He took the knife and tried to pick at the lock. He could barely reach it. With the difficulty of reaching the lock and the annoyance of all the flies that had gathered due to the dead body on top of the container, it took all of Simon’s efforts to concentrate on picking the lock. He barely noticed the scraping sound the ship was making. His senses were jolted when a tree limb came crashing down onto the container. The ship had listlessly snapped a tree limb that had been dangling over the edge of the river. The leaves of the limb stuck through the air holes in the top of the container. 

Simon and the cow saw the leaves at the same time. Simon grabbed a handful just before the cow let out a howling cry and kicked him. The force of the kick threw Simon smashing into a wall on the side of the container. He fell to the floor still clutching the leaves. Ignoring Simon, the cow started feasting on the leaves from the broken limb. Simon started eating the leaves he had recovered, feeling the hunger pains momentarily subside. After finishing the leaves and catching his breath, Simon looked at his leg to find a deep gash in it. One of the cow’s hoofs had torn a hole in his leg when she kicked him. Simon took his shirt off and pressed it against the wound to help stop the bleeding. 

“Oh, I see how it is now, cow,” said an angry Simon. “I’m not going to hurt you, but if I get in your way, you don’t mind hurting me.” 

The cow kept eating the leaves and ignoring Simon. After eating all the leaves she could, the cow turned to Simon and let out a tremendous “Mooooo!” 

Simon started to say something to the cow, but stopped short when he noticed the ship was rocking more than normal. The cow and Simon both jumped when a loud crack of thunder broke the silence. Lightning started flashing all around the ship as it sailed into the heart of the storm. The ship tossed and turned to the point that Simon had difficulty standing up. The cow swayed back and forth but was able to keep her balance. Simon sunk to the floor and tried to hold on the best he could. The leaves were lying heavy on Simon’s stomach and all the twisting and turning the ship was doing, made him extremely queasy. 

Finally, the tossing and turning of the ship started to diminish. The ship was coming out of the storm. Simon sat on the floor with his face a pale green. He belched a couple of times and then violently heaved up the contents of his stomach. Among the mucus and fluid there were chunks of leaves that had not been digested. Simon slowly crawled away and collapsed on the floor. The last thing he saw before becoming unconscious was the cow licking up the vomit. She let out another big “Mooooo!” as Simon passed out. 

Slowly Simon’s senses returned to him. He opened his eyes to see the cow staring at him. Simon raised himself to a sitting position and shook his head trying to clear his thoughts. His leg was still hurting from the gash from the cow’s kick. He looked at the wound and thought he saw something moving. Simon shook his head again trying to focus on his leg. He squeezed the wound and out of the gash came three wiggling maggots. Evidently while he was sleeping the night before, the flies had laid eggs that had now produced maggots. Simon brushed them off and wrapped his shirt around his leg to cover and protect the wound. 

“You see, cow,” preached Simon. “Everything is trying to eat everything. This world is just one big fight for food. But we humans have evolved. Our intelligence dictates that we not harm a creature like you. I refuse to give in. I’ll starve to death before I give in to any primal instincts.” 

Simon rose to his feet, steadied himself, and walked to the water trough. He started to take a drink but stopped when he saw little creatures wiggling at the top of the water. 

“Well, what do we have here?” mused Simon. “I guess the mosquitoes have been busy too. The water is now full of mosquito larva. I suppose shortly they’ll be trying to eat me, too.” He brushed some of the larva aside and took a drink of water. 

“You see, cow,” remarked Simon as he continued in his preachy voice. “I’m one of the few who are trying to change things. Yes, I eat plants, especially tofu. But I refuse to eat meat. At least it’s a move in the right direction. You don’t eat meat, cow. You eat plants. You understand what I’m saying. Yes, it’s true; right now there are thousands of virus and bacteria trying to eat you and me. They just want a little snack. But we have to get to a point where we take a stand. Anybody who kills an animal will not hesitate to kill a human if the opportunity arises. I haven’t eaten meat for five years and I’m not going to start now!” 

The cow just stood there, staring at Simon and chewing its cud. 

As night came, Simon fell into a deep sleep. He dreamed of home, his family, and especially of Bonita. He had known Bonita for some time now. She had been against him coming to the Amazon, but he wanted one last adventure before going home and asking her to marry him. He dreamed he could feel Bonita next to him. He could feel her warm breath brush his face. He felt her kissing his face and then nibble his ear. Her nibbling kept getting harder until it became painful. 

Simon awoke with a start. He swung and hit the cow upside its head. The cow backed away and stared at Simon. He clutched his right ear and felt blood trickling down the side of his face. The top part of his right ear was missing. 

“You ate my ear, you stupid cow!” yelled Simon. He picked up the knife from the floor as the cow backed further away. 

“You try anything like that again,” threaten Simon. “I’ll cut you to pieces!” 

As Simon’s anger subsided, the pain in his stomach increased. It had been days since he had eaten, and he did not know how much longer he could go on. He looked at the cow and he could tell her ribs were starting to show through her flesh. If they did not get help soon, they definitely were going to starve to death. Simon had a fleeting moment when he thought about killing the cow and saving his own life. But his morals drove him to dismiss the thought immediately. 

Simon took the knife and started working on the lock again. He twisted the knife so hard that the tip broke off into the lock. At the same time the lock fell open. It took Simon a moment to fully realize what had happened. He threw the lock off the door and opened the container. 

“Look, cow!” laughed Simon. “We’re free. Let’s get out of here.” 

Simon came out of the container onto the lower deck of the ship. The cow followed him out. 

“Thank you, Lord!” cried Simon. At that moment, Simon and the cow were thrown to the floor as the ship violently rammed into a boulder in the middle of the river. The force of the impact broke the hull of the ship in two. The river came rushing in on Simon and the cow. Simon bobbled to the top gasping for air. He started swimming to the shore. When he got to the bank he crawled out of the water and turned to find the cow. 

The cow was trying to swim to the opposite shore. In horror Simon stood and watched as river crocodiles slid off the bank and started swimming toward the cow. 

“No, cow!” yelled Simon. “This way. Come this way.” The cow ignored Simon’s pleas and kept swimming toward the other bank and the approaching crocodiles. All of a sudden, the cow saw one of the crocks. She immediately turned around and started heading toward Simon. 

“Swim, cow, swim!” urged Simon.  

Up from underneath the waters came a gigantic crocodile. With a tremendous crush, the crock clamped its jaws onto the neck of the cow. Simon thought he heard the cow scream, if that was possible. The cow struggled but was soon taken under the water by the crocodile. Simon stood and watched the churning water as the crock started its death roll. The river turned red with blood as the other crocodiles joined the big crock in the feast. 

“Poor, stupid cow,” said Simon as he shook his head. Suddenly, from beneath the water near Simon, a crocodile came up and lunged at Simon. In sheer panic Simon quickly backed away as the crock’s jaws missed him by inches. Without looking back, Simon ran as hard as he could into the jungle as the crocodile slid back down the bank and disappeared into the water. 

Finally exhausted, Simon fell to his knees gasping for air. When his heart quit racing and had settled down to a normal beat he took a look at his surroundings. He was deep in the Amazon jungle and did not have a clue where anything was. The only animals he could see were monkeys chattering and scurrying among the trees. Simon watched with interest as the monkeys were eating some blue grapes. He figured if the monkeys could eat them then they would be safe for him to eat too. Not far away was a bush just loaded with the blue grapes. Simon started feasting on the grapes, reminding himself to not eat too many. His stomach had not had any food for days and probably could not handle very much. 

When he was finished, Simon lay down on the ground. Even though he had been careful in not eating too much, he still felt like he had gorged himself. It was a good feeling. Before long he dozed off under the warm bright sun. The sleep was short but was deep and sound. When he awoke, it was the first time in days that he felt relaxed and satisfied. 

Not knowing which way would take him to civilization, Simon sat out walking. Before long he had to start swatting at flies that were biting him. If felt like he had walked into a swarm of them. While trying to smack his legs and arms, Simon ran over to a fallen tree log beside a small stream. He fell to his knees and started smearing mud on his arms and legs to prevent the flies from biting. 

“Is everything in this jungle trying to eat me?” yelled Simon. 

Simon looked over the tree log and about 30 feet away was a crouching jaguar. The giant cat was staring directly at him. He tried to remain motionless, but he knew he was too scared to keep still. With a deadly grace the jaguar pounced. Simon ducked down beside the tree log covering his head with his hands. The cat jumped over the log and chased a monkey into the bushes. Simon quickly rose to his feet when he heard the monkey’s screams stop as the jaguar made its kill. Fighting the feeling of terror, Simon took off in the opposite direction. 

He figured he must have walked several miles when he started feeling hungry again. While looking up at a tree limb for food, Simon unknowingly stepped onto a large plant. The plant immediately closed onto Simon, holding him from his knees down. 

“Well, I guess this is only fair,” mused Simon. “I’ve been eating you plants for years and now you’re gonna try to eat me.” 

Simon tried to move his legs, but the plant had a firm grip on him. He could feel the digestive fluid from the plant start to pour over his feet and legs. 

“I’ve had enough of this,” declared Simon. He reached into the pocket inside his boxer shorts and brought out his knife. The knife cut through the plant fairly easily. In a few minutes Simon had cut himself free. He shook his head in wonderment as he walked away from the plant that had just tried to eat him. 

Before long, Simon came to a well-worn path. He tried hard to contain his excitement of the thought that civilization may be right around the corner. As he continued following the path, he noticed that his legs were starting to burn, especially the wound that was made when the cow had kicked him. He stopped and looked at his legs. Two water blisters had formed near the wound. The digestive fluid from the plant that tried to eat him was still trying to consume his flesh. Simon spotted a lake nearby and ran into it so the water would cool his burning feet and legs. He stood in the water up to his waist and looked back at the shore. 

“Listen,” yelled Simon. “Everything and everybody leave me alone!” 

From the back of Simon and from underneath the water, the giant anaconda moved toward its prey. Without a sound the snake came out of the water and clamped its jaws onto the top of Simon’s head. In an instant, it twisted him around and wrapped its giant coils firmly around him. With Simon in its coils, the snake let loose of his head. The anaconda let out a loud hiss and started to concentrate on squeezing the life out of its victim. 

Simon felt his eyes bulge out as the coils steadily tighten around him. He could hardly breathe as he thought, “Well at least this time, death will come quickly.” 

As the snake’s coils continued to tighten, Simon found he could no longer breathe. He knew he would not be conscious much longer. Just as he was sure that his bones were going to break, the giant snake let out another loud hiss and starting relaxing its grip around him. Simon looked at the giant snake and saw a spear sticking straight through its head. As the coils slid off Simon fell back into the water. He came back to the surface struggling for air. Human hands grabbed him and drug him onto the shore. Simon lay there soaking in oxygen and clutching his hurting ribs. 

When he had finally regained his senses, he looked up at the faces of four native tribesmen. They reached down and helped him struggle to his feet. 

“Thank you,” whispered Simon. “Thank you so much.” He wiped some blood from his forehead where the snake’s teeth had broken the flesh. 

“Kalla, kalla,” replied one of the natives.

“I’m sorry,” apologized Simon. “Do you speak English?”

“Come Joe,” said one of the men.

“Oh, you speak English?” asked Simon.

“Come Joe,” repeated the man. Simon figured this was the only English the man knew. So he followed the men back down the path. If felt great to be around people again, especially ones who knew the jungle and could protect themselves. 

Simon figured they had walked for about an hour when they came to the men’s village. From the different huts came other men, women and children who stood and stared as the four men and Simon passed by. They took him to a small hut and motioned for him to go into it. When he entered the hut, Simon turned and was surprised by the other person there. 

“Professor!” said an exuberant Simon.

“Simon?”

“Oh, professor,” exclaimed Simon. “I’ve been trying to reach you. You’ll never believe what all I’ve gone through to get here.”

“Well, I’m afraid you have found me,” replied the Professor.

“Who are these people?” asked Simon.

“They are the feared tribe called ‘Kallahanas,’ descendants of the Aztecs,” explained the Professor. “They found me yesterday in the jungle.”

“The Kallahanas?” mused Simon. “Well, all I know is they saved my life.”

“Saved you?” sneered the Professor. “All they did was save you for themselves.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look around you, Simon,” the Professor said with an agitated laugh. “These people are cannibals. And guess who’s for dinner!” 

THE END

Copyright ©2003 by Jerry W. Crews