Bob Dole Salutes

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Bob Dole Salutes

Many people, places, and things have made our world a better place to live in since the Stone Age. That is why Bob Dole felt to the need to salute a few in particular. In fact, Bob Dole salutes Bob Dole's "Salutes" list.

Bob Dole salutes Dinosaurs: They were his friends. They were his enemies. Yes, Bob Dole lived with the dinosaurs. He's proud of it too: "Bob Dole was friends with Stan the Stegosaurus once, and he helped Bob Dole ward off those infernal raptors. Dang, Bob Dole misses him..."

Bob Dole salutes Paper: "Bob Dole says all the youngins take paper for granted these days. When Bob Dole was in school, Bob Dole had to write on cave walls with paint. A smooth section of cave wall was highly coveted. Too bad Bob Dole always got beat up whenever Bob Dole had a good piece of cave wall!"

Bob Dole salutes Foosball: "Bob Dole says foosball is not the devil. In fact, Bob Dole enjoys foosball because it is the one sport Bob Dole has enough strength left to play."

Bob Dole salutes France: "Bob Dole says France is a good place to put all the people who don't vote for Bob Dole."

Bob Dole salutes Lawn Ornaments: "Bob Dole bought pink flamingos today to put in the yard. Elizabeth will love them."

Bob Dole salutes The Nation of Djibouti: "Bob Dole says Djibouti has warm weather; perfect for senior citizens like Bob Dole. Plus, Bob Dole used to shake his Djibouti with Mrs. Dole back in 1912. Ha-ha says Bob Dole."

Bob Dole salutes Talking Pictures: "Bob Dole just couldn't understand movies very well when they didn't have sound; and worse yet, Bob Dole hated the organist that always played during the movie. Needless to say, the first time Bob Dole saw a talking picture, Bob Dole fell out of Bob Dole's seat."

Bob Dole salutes The Republican National Convention: "What could be better than spending hours upon hours with Bob Dole's fellow Republicans? Bob Dole especially likes the free food. Bob Dole makes Elizabeth bring her big purse so Bob Dole and her can haul off all the good stuff."

Bob Dole salutes C-Span: "C-Span is Bob Dole's most cherished cable TV station. Now, voters of the world can listen to Bob Dole's message about voting for Bob Dole 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Even after Bob Dole dies, Bob Dole's speeches can just move to C-Span 2 as re-runs. How wonderful!"

Bob Dole salutes Baseball: "Bob Dole used to play third base in the senior league back in 1903. Bob Dole reminded all opposing players who reached third base to vote for Bob Dole, just for a little chatter. Bob Dole got to say it a lot, since Bob Dole's team was not good. Bob Dole will now frown."

Bob Dole salutes Election Day: "Bob Dole doesn't get excited anymore than Bob Dole does on Election Day. Bob Dole takes great pleasure in voting for Bob Dole, and knowing that Bob Dole is getting at least one vote. On Election Day, Bob Dole doesn't need Viagra."

Bob Dole salutes Thanksgiving: "Bob Dole is thankful people eat turkey on Thanksgiving, because many turkeys are raised in Kansas, and as long as the people of Kansas make money, they continue to vote for Bob Dole. Bob Dole says eat up!"

Bob Dole salutes Norm MacDonald: "Bob Dole says Norm McDonald did a good job impersonating Bob Dole on that hippy show called Saturday Night Live. In fact, he helped get out Bob Dole's message about voting for Bob Dole more than anyone except Bob Dole. Bob Dole did not like being made fun of at first, but now Bob Dole wishes Bob Dole could receive that much attention now."

Bob Dole salutes Drums: "Bob Dole used to be in a band called The Cavemen, because that was what Bob Dole and them were: cavemen. Bob Dole and them only had drums and a singing raccoon, so the band didn't last long. Bob Dole didn't care, because Bob Dole discovered politics after that, and the rest as Bob Dole says, is history."

Bob Dole salutes Dick Clark: "If there's one person who can match Bob Dole in terms of being old, it's Dick Clark. Unfortunately, the old geezer still looks like a young whipper-snapper, and Bob Dole doesn't. But, Bob Dole thinks Dick Clark doesn't really count because he's an alien. And if there's one thing that Bob Dole is not, it's an alien."

Bob Dole salutes Vitamins: "Vitamins are Bob Dole's secret weapon. They keep Bob Dole healthy. Anything that keeps Bob Dole going, Bob Dole will salute. Better yet, Bob Dole's vitamins are orange, so Bob Dole never confuses them with Bob Dole's "special medication" that always makes Elizabeth so happy. But one day Bob Dole did actually confuse them�Bob Dole stayed behind Bob Dole's desk at work all day when that happened."

Bob Dole salutes Johnny Carson: "Bob Dole remembers when Johnny was a youngin', and of course Bob Dole was an oldin', or whatever the hoodlums call their elders now. One time in 1972 he made Bob Dole laugh so hard Bob Dole laughed; quite an accomplishment, because Bob Dole hadn't laughed for 12 years, when Russia produced one billion slinkys nobody wanted! Bob Dole never liked the new-fangled TV contraption before Mr. Carson started his show; and now the only reason to watch TV is re-runs of his show."

Bob Dole salutes Paper Clips: Can you imagine living without the most important office supply item ever? Bob Dole doesn't have to imagine; he lived it. "Bob Dole used to have Bob Dole's secretary fold the corners of documents so they'd stay together. Then, Bob Dole made her stack all the papers in the broom closest, because there weren't filing cabinets in 102 B.C. either. One time, Bob Dole forgot to close the closet door...and it was really windy that day...and Bob Dole's secretary spent the next eight years reorganizing all the papers."

Bob Dole salutes The Slide Rule: "Bob Dole says Bob Dole likes slide rules because they're old; just like Bob Dole. Who needs computers to do math when a slide rule works just fine. Maybe it takes 1,385 times longer to use a slide rule, but young people need to learn patience anyway, so Bob Dole says make them use it!"

Bob Dole salutes The New York Stock Exchange: "Before the NYSE, it was hard to invest money with confidence. Bob Dole invested in tea back in colonial times; then some crazy people in Boston decided to throw it into Boston Harbor. Money down the drain. At least Bob Dole knows that nobody is going to throw the stock that Pfizer gave Bob Dole into the Hudson River."

Bob Dole salutes Toasters: "Bob Dole says using a toaster for bread is a lot better than holding a piece of bread over an open fire with a stick like Bob Dole used to do. And if Bob Dole was really in a rush in the morning back then, Bob Dole used Bob Dole's bare hands instead of a stick. The day Bob Dole ran to school with Bob Dole's hand on fire was not fun."

Bob Dole salutes Russell, Kansas: "Bob Dole takes pride in saluting Bob Dole's hometown. It is where Bob Dole was born. It is where Bob Dole first won a political office. Most of all, because nothing better than Bob Dole has come out of Russell, people always blindly vote for Bob Dole, no matter what. If Bob Dole were running against God for election of The Supreme Ruler of the Universe, at least Bob Dole knows that Russell, Kansas will vote for Bob Dole. Bob Dole beams with pride!"

Bob Dole salutes Kappa Sigma Fraternity: "Bob Dole joined the Kappa Sigma frat at Kansas for money first, but thoroughly came to enjoy Greek life. Bob Dole laughs when thinking about the time Bob Dole had to wear a burlap sac as underwear. What fun! Eventually, Bob Dole became Vice President, but then Bob Dole had to go to fight in the Second World War less than two weeks later. Darn Bob Dole's luck!"

Bob Dole salutes Frosted Flakes of Corn: "Bob Dole loves to eat Frosted Flakes of Corn in the morning nowadays. Bob Dole says they're a lot more zippy than the unfrosted flakes of corn all the schoolchildren used to have to eat. Of course, Bob Dole didn't even get to eat that back in Russell. Bob Dole's mom made Bob Dole eat unfrosted flakes of horseradish. She said it would make Bob Dole strong, but it sure didn't help when the Germans attacked Bob Dole in Italy, now did it!"

Bob Dole salutes The Butter Churn: "When Bob Dole wanted to get a workout back when Bob Dole was a youngin', Bob Dole didn't need to "go to the gym." All Bob Dole had to do was go out to the back porch and make some butter in the butter churn. Bob Dole would have to crank that god-forsaken contraption for hours on end; just to make Bob Dole's bread taste better. You may ask Bob Dole, "Was it worth it?" Bob Dole says the answer is "no."

Bob Dole salutes Michael Palin: "Bob Dole envies Michael Palin; traveling the world at the expense of the BBC while they film it all. Sure, Bob Dole got to travel for free one time too. But, that was only a week long sea voyage to Italy courtesy of the US Army. Gee, that was a really great vacation says Bob Dole sarcastically."

Bob Dole salutes The Ninja Rap: "Perhaps Bob Dole isn't the trendiest person around, but it doesn't mean new ideas don't grow on Bob Dole, along with the green moss slowly working its way up Bob Dole's leg. Anyway, today Bob Dole heard a song by that "hip" rapper Vanilla Ice called "Ninja Rap" from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. Bob Dole was mistaken in 1991 when Bob Dole called it "hoodlum garbage." Now Bob Dole can't stop listening to it. After Ted Kennedy was finished giving a speech, Bob Dole stood up and encouraged the drunkard by saying, "Go ninja, go ninja, GO!" Bob Dole is really "down" with it. Maybe Bob Dole will even like that Nelly in 2020�or better yet, Bob Dole can manipulate the lyrics to encourage voters; "Go voter, go voter, GO!"

Bob Dole salutes The NHL's shootout rule: "Ties are for ninnies; that's why Bob Dole applauds the NHL's new shootout to settle ties after one overtime period. Bob Dole's never tied an election, that's for sure."

Bob Dole salutes Wristwatches: "When Bob Dole was a youngin', Bob Dole remembers how the only way people could tell time was by looking at the sundial in the center of town. On cloudy days, people would arrive to work three hours late, because they didn't know what time it was! Nowadays, Bob Dole can just look at Bob Dole's wristwatch so Bob Dole isn't late for a Senate vote. That is, if Bob Dole can find help getting over to Capital Hill. Bob Dole sure wishes voters would've helped Bob Dole get to Pennsylvania Avenue instead�."

Bob Dole salutes Dana Carvey: "Since Bob Dole doesn't win every election, Bob Dole likes to laugh, and Dana Carvey is one of the best at doing that. Bob Dole especially liked the Dana Carvey Show. He can impersonate anyone, or pretend to be anyone, from Tom Brokaw, to Ross Perot, to a woman called the Church Lady! Can you imagine if Bob Dole tried to pretend to be Elizabeth!? Or maybe Bob Dole could pretend to be all of the candidates in an upcoming election."

Bob Dole salutes Colonel Sanders: "You don't think old people can succeed? Colonel Sanders was over 50 when he started KFC. He must have been President of the company for awhile too. Sure, he may be dead now, but that's not the point. Bob Dole doesn't need chicken to be President anyway; just votes!"

Bob Dole salutes White Socks: "Bob Dole likes few things more than clean White Socks, besides votes of course. Back in 1919, Bob Dole had some very dirty Black Socks, and Bob Dole swore that Bob Dole would never again let Bob Dole's Socks get like that. Bob Dole did have a pair of Red Socks last year, but then Bob Dole realized that only stuck-up people wore those. So, Bob Dole continues to wear Bob Dole's White Socks. Bob Dole would even play baseball in them, but the only bat Bob Dole can lift nowadays is the wiffle variety."

Bob Dole salutes Cookie cutters: "Bob Dole likes cookies just as much as your average presidential candidate, especially when they come in the shape of stars, pumpkins, baseball stadiums, ballots, and the Seal of the President of the United States. One time as a youngin', Bob Dole spent two hours molding dough into the shape of a bicycle to try and impress Suzie Thompson across the street. Bob Dole failed to realize that the dough would expand, and indeed, Bob Dole's cookie ended up being a blob. If Bob Dole had a cookie cutter back then, Bob Dole could've saved Bob Dole a lot of time and energy!"

Bob Dole salutes Birthdays: "Bob Dole loves birthdays; especially now because Bob Dole is always hoping to see Bob Dole's next birthday. Sure, Bob Dole has already had 1,327 of them, but they're never boring, whether it's watching a hockey game, traveling overseas, or cruising around Russell, Kansas on horseback with Bob Dole's buddies, looking for some females to impress. And how could Bob Dole forget getting lots of presents, like Presidential paperweights from John McCain and personal Secret Service bodyguards for a day courtesy of W. Now if voters would just give Bob Dole the real Presidency as a birthday present, then Bob Dole would be set."

Bob Dole salutes The Foxtrot: "The Foxtrot was all the rage at KU in 1941 when Bob Dole was there. Since Bob Dole is not the most coordinated person, it took Bob Dole five months to learn it, but was well worth the effort. Bob Dole says it was good clean fun; much better than the risqu� dances Bob Dole sees on the TV all the time. Besides, voters like to see candidates out and about, and able to "swing" with the best of them."

Bob Dole salutes Wine: "Wine is one thing people appreciate more and more as it ages; unlike their elders. However, one benefit of Bob Dole being around so long means that since Bob Dole picked up a couple of bottles of some French stuff back when some of these famous wineries opened around 1287, they've now appreciated to actually be worth something. Unfortunately, Elizabeth already told Bob Dole most of our new cash hoard is going to her re-election campaign. It would be funny if Bob Dole drank it all instead, but Bob Dole knows Elizabeth would then injure Bob Dole in ways much worse than what the Germans did! Dang Bob Dole's luck!"

Bob Dole salutes Febreze: "Bob Dole couldn't live without Febreze these days. Bob Dole's assistants use it all the time to make Bob Dole's musty old-person smell go away. In that regard, perhaps it's even garnered Bob Dole a few extra votes. You never know."

Bob Dole salutes Speech Writers: "Bob Dole couldn't live without Bob Dole's team of writers. Literally. Bob Dole is old and needs to sleep, not work on a speech for 15 straight hours for the 12th annual Tiddly Winks Fanatics Convention in Billings, Montana. That, and the Germans made it difficult for Bob Dole to write after they tried to blow Bob Dole's arm off in WWII. Ah hell, Bob Dole will let Bob Dole's speech writers pick a reason. Bob Dole needs a nap."

Bob Dole salutes Digital Cameras: "Bob Dole says digital cameras are easy, and safe, to use; when Bob Dole was a youngin', Bob Dole's mother dragged Bob Dole's family to get our portrait taken. It was one of those old fashioned cameras too. We had to stand very still, not smile, and hope that when the flashbulb lit up and exploded when the camera man took the picture, that the flying glass didn't hit you in the eye. Little did Bob Dole know, but Bob Dole's older brother had positioned Bob Dole to take the brunt of the flying glass. Needless to say, Bob Dole was indeed injured in the eye. That's why Bob Dole didn't see that German's grenade coming at Bob Dole!"

Bob Dole salutes Election Buttons: "What better way to remind voters to support you than to plaster your name and nifty campaign slogan on a fashionable, and collectible, button. For Bob Dole, they will also be proof to Bob Dole's future fellow nursing home residents that Bob Dole actually ran for President once, and that Bob Dole is not lying out of Bob Dole's false teeth."

Bob Dole salutes Mike Wallace: "Bob Dole admires Mike Wallace because he (and the other 60 Minutes reporters) proves that old people can still work despite being really old, or in Mr. Wallace's case, they can make age irrelevant and posses the capability to work forever! Just imagine if Bob Dole can remain an active politician forever�Bob Dole will surely accumulate more than enough votes to make up for the gap Bob Dole lost by in 1996!"

Bob Dole salutes TV advertisements: "Bob Dole says TV ads are much better than the radio ads Bob Dole used to rely on. When Bob Dole first started going bald in 1949, Bob Dole bought a hair growth cream Bob Dole heard advertised on the radio. Too bad Bob Dole couldn't see that is was actually green paste that possibly could have been chemical waste from the Manhattan Project. They at least can't get away with that on TV (can they?)!"

Bob Dole salutes School lunch programs: "Bob Dole advocated school lunch programs for 36 years in the Senate�they never got cut on Bob Dole's watch. Bob Dole knew what it was like to have bad food (sorry Bina Dole), so if Bob Dole saved the kids from bad food in school, Bob Dole figured they'd vote for Bob Dole when they grew up. Elizabeth explained to Bob Dole yesterday that school food has always been bad, and will never change. Bob Dole will add that as item #127 on the list of "reasons why Bob Dole doesn't ever have enough votes."

Bob Dole salutes Aluminum Cans: "When Bob Dole used to give a controversial, or (heaven forbid) supposedly "boring" speech before 1971, the ruffian audience was likely to throw things at Bob Dole, particularly glass bottles. Trust Bob Dole, Dr. Pepper bottles hurt the most; not what the doctor, or Bob Dole, ordered for sure. Nowadays, because everything's in aluminum cans, people have stopped bothering with it. Apparently cans just aren't as fun to throw, plus you can't really get an aluminum can past the security and metal detectors Bob Dole buys for Bob Dole speeches!"

Bob Dole salutes Driving Tests: "Driving tests for new teenage drivers, and for senior citizens like Bob Dole, are a good thing. Bob Dole is not offended by regulations requiring older drivers to take more frequent tests, because Bob Dole knows Bob Dole will pass. Since Bob Dole only has one arm that works, Bob Dole can run over a law-breaking jaywalker or two and still have leeway to spare!"

Bob Dole salutes Gerald Ford: "Sure, pardoning Nixon may have lost Bob Dole the Vice Presidency under Gerald Ford, but who is Bob Dole to hold grudges? Bob Dole respects how Gerald Ford became President without being elected; something Bob Dole has spent the past 30 years trying to emulate! Sure, he would've had an "accident" if he & potential Vice President Bob Dole had defeated Jimmy Carter, but Bob Dole would've voted for Gerald Ford in 1976 even if Bob Dole hadn't been his running mate."

Bob Dole salutes Luggage with wheels: "Need more proof, besides elections, that America is great? Bob Dole says just look at the new-fangled luggage that can be pulled around on wheels like your own personal wagon. Whoever came up with the bright idea of sticking wheels on luggage is now a millionaire. Bob Dole remembers the first time Bob Dole got on a train to head to Washington; Bob Dole didn't need wheels on his suitcase, because all Bob Dole had was the clothes on Bob Dole's back, and a sack lunch Bina Dole made for Bob Dole. But now with wheely luggage around, Bob Dole has less fun, because there's no point in packing rocks if the interns don't have to carry it all the way to the airplane. Bob Dole always thought it made the interns tougher, besides the fact it was fun to guess which intern would collapse first after dragging all those darn rocks around!"

Bob Dole salutes The Segway: "What better invention for fat and lazy Americans than a machine that lets you forego walking! Nevermind injured war veterans can use it to improve their quality of life. Bob Dole never sees anyone Bob Dole's age on a Segway around Washington. Mostly its just helps the lobbyists get between the bank and Capitol Hill faster so they can bribe more people per day, allowing them to all take Fridays off so they can ride their Segways around the Lincoln Memorial and laugh. Bob Dole plans on buying the new faster police version of the Segway and chasing them around until Bob Dole can beat them with a copy of the Constitution."

Bob Dole salutes Alternative Energy: "When Bob Dole was a youngin', there wasn't such a thing as "alternative energy." Factories spewed smoke that was blacker than what a group of blind people in a cave see, and Bob Dole breathed it in as Bob Dole walked through five feet of snow to get to school everyday, even in summer mind you. Until Russell got electricity in 1981, it was always, "Robert dear, please go mine some more coal for the stove," or, "go to the filling station and fill the tanker truck full so we can run the generator for another hour." Imagine getting power from the Sun; no work required. Bob Dole says that is the life."

Bob Dole salutes Disk Jockeys: "Bob Dole loves listening to the radio along with these new-fangled "disk jockeys" that provide hours of entertainment for Bob Dole, picking all the newest and best songs from the 1950s and 60s! This is more fun than when Bob Dole was growing up; the only thing jockeyed around Russell were the mules from local farms. All of the hippest kids in Russell would ride their mules into town at the ungodly hour of nine o'clock, and then drag race them down Main Street. Some even painted their mules in bright colors, fed them special grain that made them run faster, and gave them super shiny metal covers for their hooves! It was a pretty sad sight."

Bob Dole salutes Air Conditioning: "Air conditioning has been a godsend to Bob Dole. Back in Russell it got so hot, Bob Dole's hair had the tendency to catch on fire in the height of summer, and let Bob Dole tell you, there isn't enough water out on the Kansas prairie to go around. Bob Dole's brother Kenny would always throw dirt at Bob Dole's flaming head to put it out. Now Bob Dole can hide inside in the cool air away from the heat, and hippie protesters, during the dog days of Washington summers."

Bob Dole salutes The First Amendment: "Without the first amendment, Bob Dole wouldn't be able to tell people to vote for Bob Dole all day long. Bob Dole remembers a time without First Amendment rights; namely, when Bob Dole lived under the dictatorship of Bina Dole. It was a dark day for democracy whenever Bina told Bob Dole to stop going door-to-door telling people how great Bob Dole is, and instead made Bob Dole go to bed because it was past dark."

Bob Dole salutes The time value of money: "Time is money. When Bob Dole was a strapping young man at KU, Bob Dole learned about the time value of money in Bob Dole's economics class. Of course, Elizabeth says Bob Dole shouldn't worry about the time value of anything, because Bob Dole is a cranky old man who refuses to croak, therefore making time irrelevant. How considerate of her."

Bob Dole salutes Cell phones: "Nowadays, when Bob Dole needs help after falling off a stage during a campaign tour, Bob Dole doesn't have to shout out in vain. Instead, Bob Dole can use a cell phone everywhere on Earth except movie theaters, coal mines, and Bob Dole's preferred CAT scan machine at the hospital. The pitiful days of burning cow pies on the open prairie to make smoke signals, which where then used to tell Doley Dole to come home for supper are gone over forever!"

Bob Dole salutes Bubble Gum: "Bubble gum is a lot healthier than the tobacco all of Bob Dole's idiotic friends back in Kansas used to chew. Just another reason Bob Dole's ticker is still working, enabling Bob Dole to keep blowing more hot air out on the campaign trail!"

Bob Dole salutes Ghostbusters: "Thank God for paranormal investigators and eliminators; they really helped Bob Dole out in a pinch. The ghost of Gerald Ford keeps haunting Bob Dole, teasing Bob Dole about him being President and Bob Dole never making it. So, Bob Dole called the Ghostbusters, and now the only being living or dead who still teases Bob Dole everyday about not being President is once again Elizabeth. The Ghostbusters also asked Bob Dole not to haunt anyone once Bob Dole kicks the bucket, but Bob Dole didn't make any promises."

Bob Dole saltues Steroids testing in baseball: "Cheaters never prosper, unless you consider signing a contract for millions of dollars not prospering. It's always worth it to try and make things fair for everyone, even if America isn't always a fair place. Is it fair Bob Dole had to run for President against someone who was younger, could lie better than Bob Dole, and was more well liked by the ladies? No, but that's what happened, so Bob Dole laughs at all the cheaters in baseball. Take that, you hoodlums!"

Bob Dole saltues Dogs: "Bob Dole likes dogs. If dogs could vote, Bob Dole is sure that many dogs Bob Dole meets would vote for Bob Dole, because unlike cats and some registered voters in America, dogs don't tend to be too judgmental when it comes to a candidate's physical appearance, let alone their age. It also helps if you have spare a Milkbone in your pocket, but Bob Dole munches on a few throughout the day because they're such a great source of calcium, so that's never a problem."

Bob Dole salutes Upsets: "Bob Dole knows what it is like to be the underdog, because Bob Dole is always the underdog in any election Bob Dole enters. But it is funny how sometimes underdogs pull through, like when someone tries to cheat and the underdog who stuck to his morals wins. The fact that upsets can even occur in America is part of what makes this country great. You just knew that Joseph Stalin was going to win "USSR Idol" when two of the judges were military generals (the third being Charlie Chaplin, that backstabbing mime), and the government tracked the public's votes as a way to keep dissent in check. There was no upset for a young Boris Yeltsin that day, let Bob Dole tell you."

Bob Dole salutes John McCain: "Just like Bob Dole, John McCain is a war veteran who doesn't let the enemy, or deranged radio talk show hosts, get him down. Bob Dole also knows what it feels like to be called "too old" for the Presidency. But just compare John McCain to Bob Dole and it's easy to see John McCain is still a whipper-snapper! Better yet, John McCain has helped fight terrorists by handing Audrey Rains a very important file on 24; only a true American would help Ms. Rains, Jack Bauer, and the Counter Terrorist Unit! Bob Dole will always tell people to vote for Bob Dole, but if Bob Dole isn't available, Bob Dole says that a vote for John McCain is a good thing."

Bob Dole salutes Valentine's Day: "Bob Dole used to be very bitter whenever Valentine's Day rolled around, at least until Bob Dole met Elizabeth Dole. Now Bob Dole happily sings the grade-school rhyme; Bob Dole and Elizabeth Dole, sitting in a tree; V-O-T-E-I-N-G. First come votes, then comes election, then come the White House and the Doles' resurrection!"

Bob Dole salutes Photographs: "When you're as old as Bob Dole is, it's hard to remember everything that's happened to you so far. That's why Bob Dole is so thankful photographs have been invented; now history can view you as you truly are, instead of trusting some smart-alack painter to get your good side. Plus, it was always such a pain to have to stand in the same place for hours in itchy clothes Bina Dole stitched out of wheat fibers, all because you had to wait for the painter to finish the portrait. It's just not the easiest thing to do on the windswept Kansas prairie."

Bob Dole salutes Thrift Stores: "If you're looking for a bargain in tough times, look no further than a thrift store. But why wait until your house is foreclosed; Bob Dole finds many wonderful and exciting things at thrift stores on a weekly basis! Some things Bob Dole has found include old-time clothing previously owned by yet another person Bob Dole has outlived, ceramic bowls that you can take with you to a soup kitchen, and an autographed copy of Herbert Hoover's book "Somebody please travel back through time and take my place as President." That book is now one of Bob Dole's most treasured possessions!"

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