Webster Redefines Boring as "Bob Dole"

Webster Redefines Boring as “Bob Dole”

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

12/9/2005

Springfield, Massachusetts – At a press conference unveiling new words that will be added to the fabled Webster’s dictionary this year, publisher Merriam-Webster threw the press a curveball when they also announced they were redefining a word too. It’s not just some random, seldom used term either. Indeed, representatives of the company they were changing the definition of “boring.”

“In order to reduce costs in the face of meager profits across the publishing industry, we’re trying to save space & paper…” began spokesperson Dan Lavery. “We decided to initiate this process in the new addition of Webster’s, starting with the revised definition of boring as, simply, “Bob Dole.” We chose Mr. Dole because he personifies exactly what boring is, and no further explanation is needed. An additional benefit of this process is that less-educated people will now be able to clearly understand definitions in a quick and timely matter. We are also considering changing other words, such as “tool” being redefined as TV weatherman Rolf Reynolds, and “jester” as Kato Kaelin.”

Egged on by his PR person, Dole took the podium to present his side of the story.

“Eons from now, people will look in the dictionary, and inadvertently find Bob Dole. Then, perhaps one very, very strange person will take it upon themselves to continue Bob Dole’s cause, and vote for Bob Dole, thereby narrowing the gap between Bob Dole and Clinton by one more vote.”

Dole concluded his short speech by saying, “Before, people would call Bob Dole boring, and it was only their opinion, and that was ok. Now it’s fact. And as long as Bob Dole gets one more vote, or two more seconds of TV airtime, it’s all right by Bob Dole.”

The academic community has their own spin on the issue. High school teacher Jeff Russo had this to say about it.

“Reliable information is vitally important for students today in light of the plethora of false, if not completely fabricated, information available on the Internet. I mean, there are even sties out there dreaming up outlandish “news stories,” and publishing them as if they actually occurred! To see such calamity infiltrate legitimate publishing firms is deeply disturbing.”

President George W. Bush had a different, less eloquent view.

“When I think of Bob Dole, I think of the word “friend.” Now he’s just going to become a “boring friend,” information we all knew before. It’s like thinking of a Twinkie, and associating it with the word “yummy.” Now, I can just as easily throw an extra word in front of that too, like, “very yummy.” See there, it makes no difference; it means the same thing as before!”