Dakota Terrorists Kidnap Dole

Dakota Terrorists Kidnap Dole

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

12/9/2005

Bismarck, North Dakota – As the daylight faded away all too quickly from this freezing town, the snow continued to relentlessly fall from the sky, and yet another group was plotting away at America’s favorite senator.

“…and just where are we going to hide him in DC once we actually kidnap him?” one patron asked the man in charge, democratic Senator Kent Conrad.

“I’ll keep him tied up in the utility room of the Capital, next to the water heaters. We’ll have to buy some lights for him to show up clearly on camera, but I’m sure it’ll work.” the Senator said.

Fast forward ten days, as Bob Dole is giving a speech to his fellow Senators.

“…is exactly what young people need today. Bill S-437 will not help children learn to read, but because they’re forced to read Bob Dole’s book, they will also concurrently learn about the history of World War II in Italy. Spending $47 million to give schoolchildren Bob Dole's book is a small amount compared to the budget of the defense department anyway! And in rebuttal to Senator Kennedy’s comments that Bob Dole is simply trying to brainwash young people into eventually voting for Bob Dole, Bob Dole says that if votes for Bob Dole are a byproduct of teaching children to read, then so be it!”

Amidst the silence in the aftermath of his “stirring” speech, Dole was approached by Senator Conrad while returning to his seat.

“Senator Dole, what a rousing speech. I was wondering if I could caucus with you outside the chambers about your bill.”

“Why certainly Senator Conrad. I’m glad to hear one of the ninnies around here, and that includes Elizabeth, actually cares about the schoolchildren of America.”

Instead of pausing outside in the hallway, Senator Conrad continued to make small talk with Dole, getting him to recount numerous memories from the 1996 Presidential campaign. The absent minded Dole followed Senator Conrad as he supposedly led the way to the caucus area. Senator Dole did not even realize he was in the basement until the maintenance elevator’s door opened to the sound of dripping water, and the dark quarters of the space.

Senator Dole finally stopped talking about 1996 only when Conrad politely interrupted him, and offered him a seat on a lonely wooden chair.

Even then, only when Senator Conrad starting tying ropes around Dole did the old man suspect anything.

“Senator Conrad, may Bob Dole ask why you’re tying Bob Dole down?”

“I’m kidnapping you in the name of the Dakota Alliance. But don’t worry about that now. Please, tell me more about your childhood in Russell Senator,” said Conrad, reluctantly forcing the last sentence out of his mouth through a cringing smile.”

As Dole continued to ramble on, Conrad got on his cell phone.

“Execute order 42.”

“Very well sir” said the voice on the other end of line.

Around the world, media entities received calls proclaiming that a major news story was about to break, courtesy of the Dakota Alliance. People in black masked suddenly began entering the cramped quarters of the basement where Dole was being held, setting up the lights and camera.

With Conrad standing behind the camera, the masked man standing next to Dole began his speech.

“Attention all U.S. Senators and the federal government; the time has come that the people of North Dakota be recognized, having for too long been ignored as the rest of the country claims they can’t find North Dakota under all that snow. This perception is wrong, and we, the Dakota Alliance, intend to change that.

He motioned over to Dole and stood behind his victim.

“The Dakota Alliance has taken Senator Bob Dole hostage in order to capture your attention. He will not be released until the bill proposed a few years ago, the one officially changing the name of the state of North Dakota to “Dakota”, is passed.”

Nine year old actress Dakota Fanning was inflamed by the comments, and soon released a statement to the media.

“Why should they have the right to use my name? I’ve been in a movie with Tom Cruise; they shouldn’t be allowed to use my popularity as a rising star to get more factories and people to move to their stupid state. No one even knows where North Dakota is. All I know is that my publicist told me it’s somewhere in that big gap between New York and LA.”

After the made for TV spectacle, the vile Kent Conrad returned upstairs to the Senate floor to push his organization’s agenda.

“Friends, as I’m sure you’re aware, Bob Dole has just been kidnapped by terrorists. I think we should give into their very reasonable demands and change the name of North Dakota to “Dakota.” The people of North Dakota are more than happy to help Senator Dole out of his predicament, and also joyous about receiving a new state name.”

“Who’s Bob Dole?” asked stupidfied Indiana Senator Evan Bayh.

“Bob Dole kidnapped…I’ll drink to that!” said an exuberant Ted Kennedy, a glass of “tea” in hand.

Back in the basement, things had turned boring. Dole’s captors had run out of things to talk about

“Do you want some Chex Mix, or maybe some water?” asked one masked man.

“No thank you. Bob Dole would like a TV so Bob Dole doesn’t miss Bob Dole’s favorite TV program, Matlock.”

“Why do you really need to see urgently watch episodes of a cancelled show?” asked another Alliance member.

“Matlock’s been canceled? What’ll happen next; will Bob Dole’s favorite singer, Representative Sonny Bono, kick the bucket?”

The masked men stared at each other in perplexed silence.

On the floor of the Senate, the vote tally for the Dakota bill was in.

“By a vote of 23 in favor to 86 opposed, this bill fails.” said the speaker.

A visibly defeated Senator Conrad came back down to the basement to give the bad news to his fellow Dakotans.

“Our bill has failed. Apparently, no one cares about Bob Dole. We’ll have to regroup and come up with a new plan later on.”

“What do we do with Mr. Dole?” asked one member.

“Let him go. He’s got nothing on me. No one would believe him if he accused me anyway!” They all laughed at Dole.

“Dang you Kent Conrad. Bob Dole will get you one day. Until then, Bob Dole hopes North Dakota disappears under 200 feet of snow!” he said angrily, leaving towards the service elevator.

“The name of my state is Dakota, you hear me Dole! Dakota!” Conrad said as his parting words.

As the service elevator finally reached the basement, Bob Dole entered…as Dakota Fanning and her lawyer stepped out to confront Conrad and his cohorts.

“Ok buster, you want to use my name, that’s fine, but my lawyer here is gonna make you pay!” a defiant Ms. Fanning, dressed in a very intimidating pastel pink dress, told the Senator.