Dole Caught Pirating "Perfect Strangers"

Dole Caught Pirating “Perfect Strangers”

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

11/9/2005

San Francisco, California – Here in the basement of a downtown high-rise, a war was underway.

In the dimly lit room, high ranking members of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) had assembled for a very important, and secretive, meeting. One of the many men in black suits presented his information to the group.

“If our information is correct, Bob Dole downloaded the first episode of “Perfect Strangers two days ago, and is trying to get another episode.”

The nameless man continued as speaking while surveillance pictures of Dole were projected onto a screen. “Currently, he’s are most promising target, considering we want to keep our lawsuits on the front page. He’s famous enough to warrant press, being the first celebrity to be caught, yet he lacks any real political clout or power in D.C., so he can’t touch us.”

Sharing spots at the head of the table were two dark and brooding figures; that of Jake and the Fatman.

“I’m gonna cancel Dole like CBS did to Jake and me in 1992. Let’s nail him!” said the Fatman, not missing a beat while smoking his cigar.

More ominously, Jake said, “Dispatch the Washington bureau.”

Meanwhile in Washington, D.C. Bob Dole was at his residence, staring at a computer screen while one of his many nameless interns worked intently.

“Ok Mr. Dole, I’ve got the first episode on your hard drive now, and the second one is almost done.” said the intern.

“Bob Dole thanks you intern, but Bob Dole is also impatient. Bob Dole wants to watch the second episode now!” he whined, much like a big, yet old, baby.

“I’m sorry, but this is the only way you can get these TV shows, because they aren’t out on DVD yet!” cried the intern, fearful of losing his job.

“Let’s watch the first one again. Bob Dole must laugh at Balki Bartokomous and Cousin Larry again!”

“Ok, I’ll open up the video file.”

Little did either know that at that precise moment, black unmarked vans where careening down the street, followed by two D.C. police squad cars. Hastily as they could, they parallel parked in front of Dole’s building. Six identical looking men in jackets marked “MPAA” rushed out and stormed into the building ahead of the regular police officers.

Breaking down the door, they entered the humble Dole residence.

“MPAA! Step away from the computer and get down on the ground!” shouted one of the men.

The sacred office intern immediately complied. Dole, on the other hand, remained motionless.

A man in a two-piece blue suit stepped forward and approached Dole. “Mr. Dole, my name is Walter Peck of the Motion Picture Association of America, and we have caught you red-handed pirating intellectual property overseen by our organization. I demand that you comply with these officers!”

“Bob Dole won’t move. Bob Dole is trying to watch Perfect Strangers!” He stated bluntly, clearly unfazed by the tumultuous situation.

Bronson Pinchot, the actor who portrayed Balki in the series, was flattered by Dole’s avidness.

“Many people around the world still are fans of Perfect Strangers. Syndication certainly helps propel that, and DVD’s would help even more; Mr. Dole is certainly right about that. It’s so hard to find Perfect Strangers on TV anymore though, I don’t mind the downloading that much. At least someone cares enough to wait over an hour to download it! I’m not that desperate for every last cent I can get anyway.”

Looking at Peck, who was stunned at the old man’s defiance, Dole openly wondered, “Didn’t you used to work for the EPA in New York?”

Peck’s eyes narrowed and he replied in to Dole in a shrill tone. “Yes I did, back in 1984…and if it wasn’t for the Ghostbusters, I would still have that job!”

Dole smirked. “Bob Dole ain’t afraid of no ghost.”

That only incensed Peck even more. “Enough! Arrest both of these men and take them away!” he told the D.C. officers, who had now entered the room.

At first, the police officers thought the entire situation was a joke.

“Ah shit, we’ve been punk’d!” exclaimed one burly officer.

“No you idiots! Bob Dole is a pirate! Arrest him!” screamed the MPAA stooge.

Reluctantly, one of the officers starting pulling out a set of cuffs.

“Bob Dole isn’t a pirate! Bob Dole is an American! Bob Dole is too old to know how to use a computer. It’s the intern’s fault; arrest him!”

This was a more suitable story for the officers to handle, and they badly wanted to believe Dole, so they indeed cuffed the intern, and led him out to street.

“Mr. Dole! I can’t believe you would do this! Please, please help me! I’ve never been to jail before! This isn’t my fault!” he said, being led away.

Looking to play up the situation and his own hide, an incensed Dole stormed out into the hall after the lowly intern.

“How dumb are you intern!? Bob Dole almost went to jail because of your willy-nilly actions! Bob Dole will send you to Italy and see how well you hold up!”

Mr. Peck was not satisfied.

“I’ll get you one day old man, and you will rot in jail for the rest of your, and pay enormous fines. You’ll never win another election again…and I’m not voting for you.’

Suddenly, the lights in the entire residence went black, and there was an eerie silence in the room, until Dole broke it.

“No one tells Bob Dole that they will not vote for Bob Dole in Bob Dole’s home! You will pay for your fiendish act. Secret Dole Voters, attack says Bob Dole!”

A muffled sound came from the stooge as the sounds of slicing, dicing, and collating filled the room.

When light returned to the room, there was only Bob Dole left…and some pieces of paper lying on the floor. It turned out to be a voter registration card in the name of Walter Peck, and attached to it was a ballot for election of “the Best Old Person Still Living.” The choices; Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes fame, and of course, Mr. Dole. Which candidate had Mr. Peck “willingly” chosen? Try Bob Dole.

Inspired by this triumph, Bob Dole rose to his feet and starting singing, or more accurately, reciting the words in a dreadful drone, the theme song to his beloved Perfect Strangers, albeit slightly modified.

“Sometimes the election looks perfect, no one to bribe today

Sometimes voters get a feeling like they need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time, nothing’s gonna stand in Bob Dole’s way

This flame in Bob Dole’s heart, a long lost vote, keeps every candidate pandering to the end…”

Now raising his one good arm, he belts out…

“Standing tall, on the wings of the Presidency

Rise and fall, on the wings of the Presidency

The lost elections

The fraud and haze

Bob Dole is bound for better days…”

Readying for the grand finale…

“It’s Bob Dole’s life, it’s Bob Dole’s dream,

nothing’s gonna stop Bob Dole now.”

Cut to commercial.