Dole Buys Naming Rights to KU's Football Stadium, now "Dole Bowl"

Dole Renames KU's Football Stadium "Dole Bowl"

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

11/29/2009

Lawerence, Kansas - In the wake of Kansas University's loss to Missouri yesterday, former Senator Bob Dole has decided to bolster his alma matter's spirits buy contributing to the athletic department's resources in the form of purchasing naming rights to the football stadium. The $7 million price tag Dole paid for this privilege now means his name will grace the football stadium now known as the "Dole Bowl."

"Dole Bowl? What, is KU now just a big fruit basket?" asked shocked KU fan Susan Binklefeld, as season ticket holder for the past 22 years.

The name, which was entirely Dole's choosing, is said to bring some of the excitement of big-city politics into the world of sports. Said Dole, "What better name for a football team to be associated than with a proven winner like the name "Dole" is. "Dole Bowl" just adds to the excitement; it sounds like you are going to see a knock-down, drag out fight to the finish on the biggest stage in the world, the Presidential election. What sports fan also doesn't love to lay everything down on the line in the name of democracy once every four years?"

Former Senator Elizabeth Dole was in attendance at the press conference, but choose not to answer any questions posed to her by the media. Instead, Mrs. Dole was seen at the conference table analyzing several Microsoft Excel spreadsheets, which purportedly listed the Dole's net worth. Mrs. Dole whose bi-annual weekend visits to the state of North Carolina weren't enough to convince North Carolina voters that she actually represented them, lost her job earlier in the year. With both Doles now unemployed, it wouldn't be surprising if Mrs. Dole was concerned about the couples' balance sheet.

Despite the distraction of the Dole's financial well-being, KU was more than happy to take the money. KU athletic director Daniel "Punky" Brewster expressed his gratitude to Bob Dole during the press conference. "I wouldn't have cared if Bob Dole named our stadium "Vote for Bob Dole.com Stadium," $7 million can buy a lot of steroids for our football players so hopefully we can actually beat Mizzou next year."

The Doles were then given a tour of the football stadium via golf carts, careening past empty concession stands and listening to the hollowing wind of the Kansas prairie cut through the stadium. "By golly, look at all of this concrete" remarked Bob Dole. "If Bob Dole had had this much concrete when Bob Dole was in Italy, Bob Dole could have built Bob Dole a bunker to hide in!"

Towards the end of the tour, Dole made it a point to tell Athletic Director Brewster that he expected to have input in other football-related matters. "Bob Dole wants new tickets printed for all KU games. These tickets must include written statements on the back that give Bob Dole the permission to present the ticket as a vote for Bob Dole to any election commission located in the United States" Dole said flatly.

Brewster, more concerned about driving the golf cart while daydreaming about how he would spend his bonus money from the windfall Dole paid the to the school, dismissively said, "Sure, whatever you want Senator. Whatever you want...."