Bob Dole Biography

Part I: From the Stone Age to WWII

Officially, Bob Dole's birth certificate says that he was born on July 22, 1923 in Russell, Kansas to Doran (a.k.a. Doley) and Bina Dole. But let's be honest; no one really knows when he was born. Most people are inclined to think it was somewhere around 92 million B.C. How else could Dole recount such fond memories of his friend, Stan the Stegosaurs?

"Stan was good dinosaur. He protected Bob Dole from those awful T-Rexes almost everyday."

Flash forward to a Dole now becoming the man around town in Russell. As he progressed through high school, the ambitious Dole took up a job at the local soda fountain. "I used to put on a show for the kids by flipping the ice cream for their sundays in the air. At least at some point, the young people thought Bob Dole was neat."

Dole handily earned his way into the most prestigious path a young kid in Kansas could hope for; admission into the University of Kansas. The strapping Dole tried out for the football team his freshman year, and at the time, playing football for the University of Kansas was perhaps a bigger deal to natives of Russell than winning the Nobel Prize."Bob Dole tried out for the football team, and didn't do a bad job either. Coach said to keep at it and give it a shot next year. Too bad Coach didn't know Bob Dole would actually be shot next year. Bob Dole frowns." Because he was having trouble paying the bills, Dole needed a job. His idea; join Kappa Sigma fraternity and get money doing odd jobs for them. "Bob Dole had lots of fun. It was real rowdy back then too. The craziest thing Bob Dole had to do was wear a burlap sack to class one day. Boy, Bob Dole is sure the guys all got a good laugh out of that one!"

But as WWII dragged on, more and more men from the university left to join the war effort, as did Dole's Russell friends, and Dole was accordingly faced with tough choices. As is Dole's luck, the same month he became President of the fraternity, Dole left to join the war effort.While training to become an officer, Dole learned the basics of military life; how to survive on gruel that was also served in Russian gulags, how to not die of exhaustion after running ten miles, and how to completely blow his chance with a girl he was set to marry. "Bob Dole was going to marry this real pretty girl Bob Dole met at the University, but Bob Dole could never see her because Bob Dole was in Alabama training. Bob Dole wrote to her often in desperation, but she was impatient. That fact, combined with the time Bob Dole's mom embarrassingly visited Bob Dole on the dusty military base in Texas, asking everyone where Bob Dole was, really made Bob Dole's time in military training a peach says Bob Dole sarcastically."Part II: Will the Senator from Kansas please yield the floor Unable to pursue some of his former dreams, the injured Dole took his crankiness and put it to good use; he went to school and got his law degree. "Bob Dole remembered one time back in the stone age when Bob Dole sued for patent infringement on the wheel. Plus, what better way for a bitter person to seek revenge on the entire world than to make life miserable for everyone else as a blood-sucking lawyer? Because of these things, Bob Dole thought Bob Dole could get Bob Dole's law degree."

While still in law school, Dole's friend (and war veteran) John Woelk suggested he refocus on a more noble pursuit, where Dole might actually be able to make some positive changes. Hence Dole turned to politics, becoming Russell's youngest legislator in 1951. From that starting point, Dole continued his way up the political ladder, serving as Russell County Attorney, he was ready to take the next step in 1960; running for Congress.

Using the campaign "Roll with Dole" (yes, that was his real slogan then), Dole made the most of his meager $20,000 campaign budget, buying large amounts of tobacco and rolling cigarettes with farmers across Kansas to appear as a simple, common man (ok, maybe that part's not true).

During his time as Senator, Bob Dole frequently took the floor, and no matter what the issue being debated was at the time, he always remembered to remind Senators how important it was to vote for Bob Dole. The tactful (some would say sneaky) Dole always tried to better the people of Kansas, which in his mind meant getting himself more votes. For instance, consider this speech from 1969.

"Fellow Senators, we all realize that the Vietnam conflict is tearing our nation apart. That's why Bob Dole wants to be proactive, and be the first Senator to make something positive out of this situation. That's why Bob Dole proposes putting a provision in this bill about military spending that guarantees Bob Dole will receive one vote in the next election for every Viet Cong our military personnel kill. Certainly you would all have to agree this would give the troops some much needed incentive to end this war!" (Outrage and booing fill the Senate, and Senators throw paperweights and the complimentary Senate candy at Dole). "Very well. Bob Dole will change that to one vote for every three Viet Cong dispatched. Bob Dole yields the rest of Bob Dole's time." (Strom Thurmond spews racial slurs at Dole as security escorts Dole outside). Meanwhile on a more personal level, as his first marriage ended, the up and coming Dole had Presidential ambitions, and was looking for someone to join the ride.

"Honestly, when people heard that Bob Dole was with Elizabeth, they first thought it was a joke. How in the world could Bob Dole pull off a looker like her? Then they remembered that some people still thought Bob Dole had a shot to be President. Then they understood."

Part III: Bob Dole Wants to be President, So Vote For Bob Dole or "Go for it…you certainly did."

After reaching a new pinnacle by being on the ticket with Gerald Ford, where they of course lost in 1976, Dole returned to the backburner for a time, continuing in his capacity as Kansas, doing things like fighting to increase funds for school lunch programs.

"Bob Dole figured that if Bob Dole and Gerald Ford had to lose to a peanut farmer, the least the peanut farmer could do was provide his peanuts to feed to America's school children!"

After Ronald Regan reigned over a new area of hope and prosperity in America, the Senator threw his hat into the World Series of politics in 1988; the Presidential election. Failing to garner the Republican nomination, Dole choose instead to look at the bright side.

"By 1988 Bob Dole had lost so much, people were now at least familiar with Bob Dole because they had seen Bob Dole on the ballot so many times before!"

As the 1996 Presidential election rolled around, Republicans were doubtful they could topple the Clinton regime. No one wanted to step up and run down the donkey head on and take on the burden of campaign that was very likely to lose. That's when one (old) man picked up the baton in one last bid for glory.

The race was on. Dole hit the campaign trail, and hit it hard. He visited Ohio. He visited California. He visited Maine. He even visited Canada, but quickly came back once he learned that it was not actually a territory of the United States.

Finally, everything Bob Dole had worked and struggled for came down to this…Election Day. After waiting in line as his local polling station like a Star Wars movie junkie, he cast vote at seven in the morning, and along with Elizabeth, hunkered down in front of the TV with a bowl of peanuts (out of spite) to await the results.

In the end, it was Clinton a lot, Bob Dole a little. Bob Dole had been defeated for what seemed like the final time.

But after losing his place in history, Dole found himself more popular than ever before. Commercial after commercial came his way, and he even became a regular on the talk show circuit. Despite coming up short against Clinton, the post-election highlight for Dole had to be becoming the first spokesman for Viagra. Needless to say, Bob Dole never came up short again. Perhaps he had now found his (in)famous place in history.

"Clinton really became a hound dog in his second term, with that whole intern thing. But did Clinton get asked to do the Viagra commercials? No sir, Bob Dole got to, and Elizabeth is still happy about that."

Part IV: Retirement is for people who don't want more votes

After coming out of his manic-depressive state and dealing with the distraction that was his new found fame, Dole came up with a plan; overcome his failure in the Presidential race by gathering enough votes through "alternative" election avenues to bridge the margin he had lost to Clinton by.

"Bob Dole never gives up. Sure, Bob Dole wallowed in bed like a ninny for a while after the Germans got Bob Dole, but eventually Bob Dole did get up and try again. People can call Bob Dole boring, old, incompetent, senile, and even an inferior Senator when compared to Elizabeth, but there's one thing they can't call Bob Dole, and that's a quitter! One day, Bob Dole will have all the votes Bob Dole needs, and Bob Dole will go before an election committee, and present them the evidence that they were wrong to say Clinton won."

As Elizabeth continues to serve as a Senator, Dole continues his vote-seeking escapade mindful that before he accomplishes his mission, he may wind up being the First Lady….err, First Husband. Indeed, after learning to look at the bright the side of in the aftermath of his war injury, he looks forward to such an opportunity.

"When Bob Dole redecorates the entire White House in Bob Dole's capacity as First Husband, maybe Bob Dole can earn votes through outlets like Home & Garden Magazine, where the readers can vote yea or nay in Bob Dole's use of exquisite election ballots from around the world as replacements for the old, dirty paintings of people who actually became President."