Garbage Dump Excavated by Dole

Garbage Dump Excavated by Dole

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

9/14/2007

Walter Hill, Tennessee - Americans love to buy stuff, and once citizens unwrap their new electronics, scrap out the last of the peanut butter from the jar, and insert their ballot into the box, the leftover waste is sent off to rot away, out of sight and out of mind. As such, a trash heap is an unsightly end to a long trail. This reason is exactly why local politicians here had a ball comparing the negative aspects of a trash dump to Bob Dole, who had invaded their little space of the country to stir up some trouble, and literally "dig up" some votes.

Middle Point landfill is Tennessee's largest municipal landfill, adding 14% of the state's total refuse to its holdings in 2006, according to Turner Hutchens, a reporter for the local newspaper The Daily News Journal. With its gigantic volume of trash, Senator Dole thought this would be the perfect place to embark on his latest half-brained scheme to add more votes to his 1996 Presidential total.

"A couple weeks ago, Bob Dole was throwing away an empty bottle of white-out that Bob Dole had been using to doctor votes, and Bob Dole realized that Bob Dole had no idea where used votes went after an election. Disregarding the new-fangled electronic votes sometimes used today, Bob Dole remembered all the votes back in 1996 had to be on paper, and unless Clinton snagged all the extra ones Bob Dole couldn't get Bob Dole's one good hand on, then those votes probably ended up in a garbage dump somewhere."

The company running Middle Point was more than happy to let Dole and his staff excavate part of the landfill, but only after making them sign 17 waivers. The Bob Dole Says Vote for Bob Dole website secretly obtained three of the waivers, including one that stated, "Middle Point landfill, its employees, nor parent company Short-Round Industries shall be held responsible for bodily harm resulting from interaction with rabid mutant seagulls known to populate the area."

Undaunted, the staff began attacking the trash heap with shovels during the latter part of the morning, aided only by gloves and respirators for their safety. Progress was slow at first, as the (toxic) dirt used to cover the bloody mess was removed off to the side. Even when so-called "paydirt" was reached (meaning the long buried trash), finding readable bits of paper between plastic bottles, empty Spam containers, "O" magazines, and cracked glass bottles of mercury proved more than a little challenging.

As Dole walked by, one of the interns showed him what had been discovered so far. "Well Senator, I've found a copy of Martha Stewart Living, but it's all stained and mushy from really old spaghetti sauce" said Intern William Cosby, holding the revolting magazine at arm's length.

"Bob Dole can see that. Unfortunately it's not a used ballot. Have you found anything else interesting William" Dole asked.

"Only this empty container of Jell-O pudding. Boy, it sure makes me hungry for some Jello-O" Intern Cosby said, despite his surroundings.

"Very well" was all Dole could muster at the odd comment. "Keep up the brave work Intern Cosby."

Poking around some empty tuna cans, Intern Martin McFly made a grisly discovery. "Hey Doc…I mean Senator, come look at this" he exclaimed.

Soon a small crowd had gathered around to the spot Intern McFly was pointing at. "What's this…a knife, a bloody leather glove, and a picture of O.J. Simpson and his former wife Nicole." Dole contemplated the items for a moment. "Doesn't look that important Intern McFly" Dole concluded.

Intern McFly wasn't so sure that the significance of the items was mute however. After Dole had trudged off to supervise another portion of the excavation, McFly pulled out his cell phone and notified local authorities.

Eight minutes later, a squad car bearing the markings of the county sheriff pulled up alongside the convoy of cars the Dole posse had arrived in. An overweight and balding Sheriff Gordon Maag got out of the car with his deputy Jesse White in tow.

Maag, who looked like his was wading through a swimming-pool sized bowl of gravy whenever he walked, asked Dole, "Howdy there. What's this I hear about you findin' a murder weapon 'round these parts?"

"Bob Dole is shocked. Bob Dole knows nothing about a murder. Bob Dole is a law-abiding citizen, and would never mean to cause trouble, even in a state like Tennessee" Dole told Maag.

"Now what's that supposed to mean you old foggy" Maag shot back.

"It means Bob Dole is busy trying to get votes! Don't interrupt Bob Dole!"

With tensions escalating, Dole staffers pulled the Senator off to the side, and Jesse White stepped in to try and give his boss a chance to calm down.

"Don't mind Sheriff Maag Senator. He's just acting tough because some of the local politicians "traded" a new boat in exchange for giving you a hard time" White said, then continued, "But I'll tell you what, my favorite thing in the whole world is chopped liver. If you could find some real quick, and let us take those items somebody named…" checking his notepad, "…Martin McFly found, we'll be out of your hair in a jiffy."

"Bob Dole will see what Bob Dole can do."

After appeasing the officers of the law, the Dole staffers could once again concentrate on their work. After hours of searching, Dole's treasure was finally unearthed. Hiding in between a Styrofoam cup and a broken Happy Meal toy, was a smudged, crumpled, but very legible used election ballot.

Dole called the archaeologist he had hired for the day over to the ballot. Picking it up with gloves, the archaeologist handled the ballot with care. Pulling out a magnifying glass, he made his conclusion.

"Yep, it's a 1996 Presidential ballot allright." But after a few more seconds of examination, he had bad news for Dole. "…but it looks like this vote was for Bill Clinton" he said, turning to look at Dole.

"This does anger Bob Dole, but it is not the end of the world. Bob Dole has leftover white out back in Washington that can be used to fix this problem" Dole said matter-of-factly.

As the afternoon wore on, the sun beat down on the Dole staffers, and even their protective facemasks couldn't keep out all of the objectionable odors. To Dole's dismay, no more ballots were found. So after being hosed down by EPA officials on site with chemicals usually reserved for decontamination of chemical weapon attacks, the Dole staffers called it a day.