Dole Forms Russell, KA Olympic Committee

Dole Forms Russell, KA Olympic Committee

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

9/4/2004

Updated 8/12/2007

Russell, Kansas – Today former Presidential candidate Bob Dole announced he is creating an Olympic Committee in his hometown of Russell, Kansas to bid on the 2112 summer Olympic Games. In a press conference on the steps of Town Hall at high noon under the bright sunlight of a cloudless sky, the pale Dole unveiled what little plans had already been drawn up to an attentive and very amused audience of patrons who walked across from the street from Mary Anne’s diner.

“If we prepare well enough, we can bring the Olympic Games here. One hundred and eight years is plenty of time for Russell to become an urban metropolis capable of hosting such an enormous event” Dole said.

Russell’s committee currently consists of only two members; retired farmers Jim Bouton and Dale Murphy. Dole said of the two gentlemen, “Jim and Dale are both hard-working men who have nothing better to do these days then meet every morning for breakfast at Mary Anne’s diner. Bob Dole figured, why not make productive use of their time there, so Bob Dole asked them to include a daily meeting about Russell’s Olympic prospects over orange juice and sausage.”

Dole first introduced Dale, an overweight man in his 60s, who had to stop chewing on straw to answer questions. His only replies were either “Yep.” Or “Nope.”

Upon further inquiry about the Russell committee’s daily meetings, the lanky Mr. Bouton, dressed in well-worn overalls, described the meeting procedure as, “Every morning I ask Dale if we should start making plans, and we always decide to put it off ‘til tomorrow."

Some asked where the money to run the operation would come from, especially important in a small, fiscally tight town. Dole assured residents that their hard-earned tax dollars were not being wasted. “The Russell Olympic Committee doesn’t have any money; it runs purely on the backs of volunteers. And we need volunteers to start digging a stadium in the cornfield south of town, or women to bribe Olympic committee members with homemade pie and large quilts.”

On hand for the announcement were three representatives from the United States Olympic Commission, in town to investigate Russell’s preliminary prospects. The stern looking men were dressed in dark suits, and visibly perturbed at having to waste their time in Russell.

After the press conference, Dole escorted the U.S. commission members on a tour of Russell. The drive-by tour began with a visit to a corn field on the outskirts of the city’s limit that is a proposed site for the main stadium, a visit to a corn field that will be the future home of the tennis complex, and so on. At each stop, Dole pointed out towards the crops, then told the men exactly what would eventually be built in that location.

When one U.S. Olympic chairman asked about infrastructure improvements, Dole did not hesitate to escort the four cars in the tour group to the next location, which was inevitably, another corn field.

“Here on the humble farmstead of Matt Linehart we will build an airport capable of handling all the international travelers an Olympic event would bring” said Dole.

Sitting at his kitchen table, pouring over a copy of the most recent Farmers’Almanac while the Weather Channel droned on from the living room, a confused farmer Linehart ventured outside to see what the commotion was about. Upon meeting the party, and being told by Dole that his house could one day be razed for an airport, Linehart vehemently protested.

“Now wait a dog-gone second. You’re telling me the city’s going to use eminent domain to buy my house and build an airport!? Over my dead body” Linehart exclaimed through the piece of hay he was chewing in his mouth.

Dole tried to suppress the situation. “Only if these nice people decide to let us represent the U.S.A. in our Olympic bid, and only then, will each person in Russell get a nice compensation check for so willingly agreeing to help the Olympic effort” said Dole, having an assistant slip the farmer a $20 bill as those words were being spoken.

Upon the tour’s conclusion, Dole suggested he could light the Olympic flame during the opening ceremonies, in light of the fact he plans to have a clone created of himself to run in the 2044 presidential election.

“One way another, Bob Dole will be around. No matter how long it takes, Bob Dole will not only become President, but Bob Dole will get the Olympics to come to Russell too!” he exclaimed.