Bob Dole Attempts to Clone Self for 2044 Election

Bob Dole Attempts to Clone Self for 2044 Election

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

4/28/2004

Cambridge, MA – Everyone knows that Bob Dole likes to refer to himself in the third person, but now that fact may no longer be what qualifies him as legally insane. Indeed, he now has a new crazy idea floating around inside his head. Yesterday the former Senator announced he plans to clone himself within two months during a press conference at Harvard University.

"Technology has come a long way since the Stone Age; believe Bob Dole, Bob Dole has witnessed it firsthand. The first time Bob Dole voted he had to use a stone tablet. Now people use markers and pens! And of course, if man can invent the ball point pen, then why not be able to clone a human? (befuddled gasps and laughs from the crowd ensue). However voting is conducted, the point is now people can vote for Bob Dole until the world ends because Bob Dole can be cloned!" Dole said.

It will of course take time to raise the clone, but Dole proclaimed "Bob Dole’s staff will raise the new Bob Dole well." It will also take time for the clone to become old enough for presidential eligibility, hence the distant election run. But why pick the year 2044 this far ahead of time? "Bob Dole wants to get the word out about Bob Dole, and Bob Dole’s clone." said Dole.

It remains to be seen how much protest will arise from the decision. Already many people are speaking out against the idea, and it may not be who you might expect.

The group People Against Cloning is indifferent. Said representative Dale Flat, "If Bob Dole wants to make himself a guinea pig, that’s just fine by us."

So if People Against Cloning doesn't care, who doesn't want this? Believe it or not, it's the opposite camp, the aptly named People For Cloning. "Cloning is a technology that can help humanity. By cloning Bob Dole, humanity will be hindered with a never-ending deluge of pleas for votes, and more incorrect grammar" said spokesman Orvile Reddenbacker.

Still, Dole continues to have his loyal supporters. Republicans of Bob (or ROB) firmly backed the decision. "We love Bob Dole, and we just want Bob Dole to last forever" said ROB spokesperson Karen Foss.

It’s impossible to predict if future generations will warm up to Dole, or if those still around will want to vote for Bob Dole for President again. But since Dole has been around since the Stone Age, one thing is for certain; time is on his side.