Dole Invents Board Game

Dole Invents Board Game

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

8/2/2005

Pawtucket, Rhode Island – At an age where most people have long since retired, Bob Dole is still active in a variety of dealings. Today he visited the world’s most noted board game manufacturer and publisher, Milton Bradley, to pitch his own idea for a board game, driven by the soul reason he still isn’t retired in any conventional sense of word. That reason; his dream of becoming President of the United States, a dream which he refuses to give up.

Before the company would sign on to the idea, they needed to see a presentation led by Dole to understand just exactly what this was all about. Thus, in a large meeting room on the fourth floor of company headquarters decorated with pictures of such classic games as “Monopoly” and “Hungry Hungry Hippos”, Dole found himself saying…

“Bob Dole says it’s called, “President.” A very creative title, if Bob Dole does say. The thing is, even though the players are guaranteed to be President of some kind, which is a good thing, instead of President of the US, you could wind up being “President of the Dave Magadan fan club, which of course is not an esteemed position.”

Executives nodded in interest, wanting to learn more about the game. However, there was one executive who developed a serve cough, and proceeded to excuse himself from the room. The Bob Dole Says Vote for Bob Dole Website later discovered that the executive was a member of the reclusive Dave Magadan fan club, hurrying away to inform Magadan of Dole’s insult. Upon learning that he had been included in Bob Dole’s game as the lowest type of President, the former San Diego Padres utility player stepped up to the plate to publicly smash Dole.

“He doesn’t know anything. Dole just wants to create a game for losers like himself. It’s one contest he can enter and not lose. Besides that, people don’t understand how popular the Dave Magadan fan club really is. We get one new member a year at the very least. I was a lifetime .288 hitter after all” Magadan told San Deigo Union-Tribune in a spur-of-moment telephone interview.

Unaware of the controversy he had created, Dole proceeded to demonstrate his creation.

“First, you throw the dice. Bob Dole rolled a six. So, Bob Dole moves that number of spaces.” He proceeded to move his game piece, a campaign button, ahead to a colorful spot marked on the board.

“Ah-ha!” exclaimed Dole. “Bob Dole has landed on a “meet a new career connection” space. Bob Doles picks a “New Career Connection” card from this pile.”

Dole continued by reading the card, but then showed the bitter side of himself.

“Dateline 1978. You meet a senator from Arkansas named “Bill.” Shoot him now to become US President, or don’t shoot him and fall back 18 spaces.”

Dole angrily put down card and looked at the executives. “See, that’s why this board game is also a valuable teaching tool for children. It teaches them to recognize important moments in their lives, and then to kill the competition so you don’t wind up 30 million votes short of your place in history!”

The executives stared blankly at Dole.

It turns out that after losing the 1996 Presidential election, Dole began work on his creation right after he came out of his manic-depressive state. In total, it took him almost seven years to complete his project. Said Dole, “Dedication is one thing, making yourself feel better is another.”

Senator Dole had his senate staff test market the game once he finished the prototype. Aimed at all ages, his staff only provided results from two age groups; four year olds, and 90 year olds.

Dole senate staff member Louie Anderson explained their findings.

“The four year olds liked the game because they couldn’t understand it at all, besides the fact that the game pieces were placed in scrumptious jell-o pieces. (Editor’s note; don’t worry; DC officials are pursuing child endangerment charges). The 90-year olds at the “Golden Sunset” home in Florida liked the game because we substituted it for their regular game of Yatze; and they didn’t seem to notice any difference.”

Data from all other feedback tests on any other ages were mysteriously absent.

After his presentation, there was an awkward silence in the room, which quickly ended when one executive said, “We’ll get back to you after we’ve had a little more time to make a decision.”

“Bob Dole thanks you.” said Bob Dole, slowly getting up to leave. As one mistaken executive reached to shake his frail right hand, Bob Dole gave a stern reminder that it wasn’t allowed, using the pen tip to vainly stab at the executive.

“Are you crazy!? The Germans already got Bob Dole in the arm. What are you trying to do; make Bob Dole’s arm fall off!?” said an angered Dole.

Interviewed afterward outside in the hall, the Milton Bradley executives didn’t seem impressed. One executive was just happy Dole was there, because it represented an opportunity to add to his collection of US Senator autographs.

“His game sure does suck, but at least I’ve got the old geezer’s John Hancock before he croaks!” said Milton Bradley executive Bob Hamilton.

Executive Curtis Joseph summed up the thoughts of his colleagues by saying, “We may not make his board game, but it wouldn’t be a bad idea if we added him as a question in the next version of Trivial Pursuit.”