Dole Campaigns for 2004 MLB All-Star Team

Dole Campaigns For All-Star Team

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

4/29/2004

Houston, Texas - Former Senator Bob Dole traveled to Houston, the site of the 2004 All-Star Game, to announced today his new political campaign; but the post he’s running for is quite extraordinary.

"Bob Dole says vote for Bob Dole; preferably as a write-in candidate. Bob Dole wants to be the second baseman for the National League in the 2004 All-Star game." Dole said during his speech.

One has to wonder why Dole didn’t try this stunt before; back when the All-Star game didn’t really matter. Now, putting an ancient man in a game that decides who gets home-field advantage is surly a death-sentence. "Bob Dole did try this before; but no one voted for Bob Dole except Bob Dole!" replied Dole to that very question, slightly deviating from his regular monotone voice.

The usual pack of Dole haters was out in full force yet again. One protester picketed out the stadium with a sign reading "Bench Bob." MLB shared the same sentiments; "Only someone like Bob Dole can take something as sacred as the national pastime and add heaping doses of poisonous politics beyond team rivalries and such," said Major League Baseball representative Terry Clark.

Many wonder if Dole has gotten carried away in his desperate never-ending quest for votes, and overlooked his eligibility. "Unfortunately, if people want to write in Bob Dole on their All-Star ballots, technically there’s nothing stopping them. I say technically because I would assume most people have a functioning conscious that would scream bloody murder if they tried to do so," said Clark.

Republicans of Bob (or ROB) pledged their support for the failed President by having each group member fill out as many All-Star ballots as they could, ceremoniously collecting ballots and stuffing the ballot at the top of each hour. "I’ll vote for Bob Dole until I get carpal tunnel syndrome!" shouted fanatical Dole supporter Sandy McDonnell, who promptly returned to voting while chewing wads of caffeine gum.

Later in the day a near riot erupted as the Dole haters attempted to physical stop ROB members from casting their ballots. Punches were thrown and All-Star ballots were torn to shreds before police intervened with laughing gas. Bob Dole was unaffected by the laughing gas.

Either way, Dole has a tough hill to climb. The most write-ins anyone has received in voting was Albert Pujols in 2001, his rookie year in the big leagues, hence reason as to why he was not listed on the ballot to begin with. Said Dole, "Bob Dole can win any vote, whether it’s here or in Slovenia."