White House Contest Offers "Golden Ballots" to Lucky Few

White House Contest Offers "Golden Ballots" to Lucky Few

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

8/28/2007

Youngstown, Ohio - Here at Fire Station No. 1, townspeople were lined up to vote in their local elections. Among them was a solitary non-resident, a deranged old man seeking fortune and glory through a contest sponsored by the White House to increase voter participation.

Yes, what other ancient politician would venture to a random city like Youngstown, hell-bent on getting into the White House to stay. It was easy to understand Dole's desire for a Golden Ballot, with the prize accompanying it being a tour of the White House by the man himself, the President of the United States. Bob Dole was fifth in line, towering above 78 year old Martha Higgington, who started a conversation with Dole while propped up on her walking cane.

"That Jimmy Smits should've never been elected to the school board. Look at how much money they've wasted installing air-conditioning for the little varmints across the district. In my day, the schoolroom was 108 degrees in August, and if you complained, you got whacked with a paddle!" the little old lady ranted.

"Yes, uh…Bob Dole says that's how it was in Russell too" said the Senator, thrown for a curve upon meeting someone with similar logger-headness. "Honestly ma'am, Bob Dole just hopes Bob Dole gets the last golden Ballot for pretending to participate in another election."

He watched intently as Ms. Higgington made it through registration without being presented the last known golden ballot.

Dole shuffled in front of the election judge. "Name" she asked.

"Bob Dole" was his simple reply.

The election judge scanned the papers in front of her. "Hmmm…I don't think you're registered to vote here Mr. Dole."

"That's ok. Bob Dole is more interested in the Golden Ballot contest. The rules state that as long as Bob Dole presents a valid voter registration card, Bob Dole gets another chance to win. It says nothing in the rules about where Bob Dole is registered to vote" replied the crafty old timer.

The election judge sighed. "You're the second person today who's told me that. John Kerry was in here about an hour ago, saying the same bunch of malarkey. As long you don't vote here in Youngstown, I don't care. Here, let me scan your voter registration card for the contest."

As quick as she could, the election judge passed Dole's card through the special machine, hoping to get Dole out of her sight pronto. But instead of the machine flashing its little red light to signify another person wouldn't be getting a golden ballot, something else happened….

The scanning machine's green light came on, and a bunch of government-suit types sprang out of a nearby janitor's closet.

"Congratulations Senator, you've won the final golden ballot. Could you please come with us" said the emotionless government agent.

All attention around the fire station was turned toward Dole. "Bob Dole is so excited! Bob Dole would now jump for joy, that is of course if the Germans hadn't rendered Bob Dole incapable of jumping" he pronounced to those staring at the scene.

After an information briefing by the government agents, Dole raced back home to Washington to tell Elizabeth the wonderful news.

"That's wonderful dear. Don't you think this occasion calls for you to randomly break out into a joyful song?" the Senator from North Carolina asked the Senator from Kansas.

"Right you are Elizabeth. Bob Dole would love to sing right now." Moving slowly around the apartment in his slippers, he pretended to be a Broadway actor while singing;

Bob Dole never thought Bob Dole's campaign would be

Anything but catastrophe

But suddenly Bob Dole begins to see

A bit of good luck for Bob Dole

'Cause Bob Dole's got a Golden Ballot

Bob Dole's got a golden ballot in the box

Bob Dole never had a chance to shine

Never a happy exit poll to report

But suddenly the Free World is Bob Dole's

What an amazing thing

'Cause Bob Dole's got a Golden Ballot

It's ours Elizabeth!

Bob Dole's got a golden ballot to lift up high

Bob Dole never thought Bob Dole would see the day

When Bob Dole could look at Democrats and say

Good morning, look at the votes!

Bob Dole never thought Bob Dole would be

The central figure of the Presidency

'Cause everyone said

"It couldn't be done"

But it can be done

Bob Dole never dreamed Bob Dole would rule

Over the States and everything

But nevertheless the Oval Office is where

Bob Dole is shortly about to be

'Cause Bob Dole's got a golden ballot

And with a Golden Ballot, it's a golden day

A week later, Dole found himself standing on the White House lawn accompanied by his wife. Also anxiously waiting for W. to appear out of the White House at high noon were the four other Golden Ballot winners. They included Ross Perot, a berate Senator Hilary Clinton accompanied by her husband, Rudy Giuliani, and an exuberant John McCain, who like Dole was ecstatic to have another chance at the Oval Office.

Exactly as high noon, the double doors to the South Lawn swung open by themselves. Just then W. rounded a corner, dressed in his usual suit and ever-present flag lapel pin.

"Welcome everyone" W. said. "Let's get this rodeo goin'!"

The tour began auspiciously enough. W. rushed them past some of the more important rooms and paintings on the grounds, then beamed with pride as he showed off his customized White House game room, complete with an Xbox.

"Bet you can't kill me once on Halo 2!" said the boyish President., a statement issued as a challenge to Mayor Giuliani. Somewhere before the game room though, former President Clinton had covertly broken off from the tour group. After realizing her husband was missing, Senator Clinton headed straight for the Lincoln Bedroom to see what intern he would try to corrupt this time.

After almost choking on pretzels (again) as he sounded defeated Giuliani at Halo 2, W. was ready to move the tour onward.

"First, before we go on the move again, I want to present each of you with a special gift. It's called an "Everlasting Terror-stopper" W. said.

W. proceeded to hand out miniature Macy Gray action figures that screeched out a "song" with the press of a button.

"Bob Dole can easily see how terrorists would be stopped dead with this device" stated Dole bluntly.

"That's what you get when you give the DOD $54 million for a project like this" W. exclaimed. "Just be sure no one else gets a hold of them. If our enemies get a hold of these…" W. trailed off, shuddering at the thought.

Next, the remaining group members made another fun stop, this time in front of a door plainly marked "top secret."

"In here are my most secret secrets" whispered W., like he was telling a ghost story at a campfire.

As W. slowly creaked open the door, the politicians strained their necks to look inside. Beyond the door they saw a small drab room with a heavy oak desk in the center of the space. Seated at that desk, shiny head and all, was Karl Rove.

"Karl here is my best secrety-guy dude." W. said. "He finds out cool secret stuff for me, then writes a report with fancy Presidential seals, and pictures of people taken in secret, like it's straight out of Mission: Impossible" W. said.

"Can we look at Mr. Rove's latest report" asked John McCain.

"Sure, go on ahead. But if you tell anyone what you find out, I'll have to have the Secret Service kill you" said W. with a wink, followed by a hearty laugh.

McCain went behind the desk to peer over Rove's shoulder. "Holy crap, Drew Carey is a Russian spy!" shouted McCain.

Now Rudy and Bob Dole were intrigued. "Let Bob Dole see this information" said the old timer.

"Now now guys, enough secrets for one day" W. told them. "Let's keep the tour moving."

Reluctantly the three men walked out, turned off the lights, and shut the door on the feverishly working Rove. But as the group continued down the White House hall, a man approached McCain from the entryway of an adjacent room.

"Psst, I'm willing to trade cameo appearances on 24 for top secrete government info.

McCain paused a moment, then told the shady figure, "sure!"

Immediately after McCain said that, an alarm sounded. W. hurried back towards McCain.

"John, you've done it now! What were you thinking?" asked W.

"I like Jack Bauer!" was all McCain could muster, as he then began to cry, realizing that the President's early joke about the consequences of revealing Drew Carey's espionage might not be so funny now.

A commotion began to grow around the tour group. Strange looking little people began to quickly appear and surround McCain. "Look, they're little men!" exclaimed Rudy.

"Wrong!" shouted W. "They're little Dick Cheneys, also know as Veepty Veeps!"

Indeed, each of the three foot sized little people had the distinct face of the Vice President. The first thought that crossed Dole's mind was a reminder that he too sported his own clone. Regardless, as the veepty veeps hauled John McCain off to an undisclosed location, the Veepty Veeps broke out into song.

V.P., V.P.

Veepty Veeps

I've got a perfect scenario for you

V.P., V.P, veepty veep

If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you let terrorists speak

Speaking as much as Kristie Alley eats

Where are you at, terrorists can't be treated lax

What do you think will come of that

I'll raise the alert level to yellow

V.P., V.P., veepty veep

Without mid-east oil, you won't get far

You could be the President too

Like the

Cheney, blainy

Veepty veeps

"Well, I think that just about covers everything for today" W. told Perot, Rudy, Dole, and the quite Elizabeth. "I hope you had a great time!"

Everyone but Bob Dole exited the White House. Dole lingered for a moment, then pulled the Macy Gray action figure out of his pocket using his one good hand.

"Mr. President…" said Dole, as he put the Everlasting Terror-stopper on W.'s desk.

Suddenly, W. looked up at Dole. "Bob, you did it! You've won!"

"What's that Mr. President? What did Bob Dole win?"

"You passed the test. I wanted to see who the most honest and loyal politician out of bunch. You knew it would be wrong to leave with the Everlasting Terror-stopper. For that, you've won the grand prize!" W. told him.

"You mean Bob Dole gets to be President after you next?!" Dole said eagerly.

"No! Of course not! You get a special White House engraved ashtray!" W. said.

"But Bob Dole hasn't smoked in 61 years" Dole replied.

"Look at it this way Bob, I'm proud of you as Republican for finally winning something again" W. said.

"Gee, thanks sir" glumly said Dole, as he left the White House yet again without attaining the nation's highest post.