Dole Endorses Underage Drinking

Bob Dole Endorses Underage Drinking

By staff member A.D. and staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

3/21/2005

Angola, Indiana – As everyone knows, Bob Dole has been around a while. So long in fact, it’s surprising he hasn’t had a hand in many of the important items of the twentieth century; like the invention of the electric can opener…the compact disc…not even Spam. But what did Bob Dole find time to do during college? Found a fraternity, of course.

Bob Dole website reporter A.D. picked up on the trail of the former Senator and Presidential candidate’s darker past here in Angola at the local Kappa Sigma chapter. An unidentified fraternity member let it slip that every Kappa Sigma has to pay homage to its founders, one of which is Bob Dole, every year. No one knows exactly what this ritual entails, but rumor has that it does involve voting for Bob Dole!

This trail led straight back to the Kappa Sigma chapter at the University of Kansas, Senator Dole’s alma mater.

When questioned about his former frat days, he replied, “As Bob Dole looks back, fraternity life was the right choice for Bob Dole…Bob Dole thinks it’s the friends you make. People you’ve never even met before, you end up being life-long friends with.”

A neutral and truly touching statement (yeah right), but in all fairness it still does rings true about some friends you make in college anyway.

But when asked about the secrets he had in his frat days, the old man broke down like a Mongolian straw dam.

“Bob Dole used to “down a few” with all of Bob Dole’s brothers.Bob Dole could drink three bottles of beer, since we didn’t have cans, in Bob Dole’s day. Sometimes all Bob Dole and them had to drink was moonshine, which could be dangerous at times, considering it was possible for something to go wrong in the unsanctioned frementation process.”

In a river of confessional tears, he continued…“Bob Dole once even watched a girl show her ankles. That was quite the show for Bob Dole in 1942. Bob Dole’s eyesight was already bad by that age unfortunately, not to mention that Bob Dole may have been drunk. Bob Dole misses those frat days of Bob Dole’s.”