Dole Lands Guest Role on "The UC"

Dole Lands Guest Role on “The UC”

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

6/1/2005

Champaign, Illinois – As the cameras begin to role in the dungeon-like atmosphere of Lincoln Hall, a steadfast Bob Dole looks into the audience of college students in the large lecture auditorium. Wandering to the right, he starts reciting his lines on cue.

“The only way to win an election is to get the most votes. And to get the most votes, the people tabulating the votes have to give you more votes than the other guy. So in conclusion, Bob Dole says that when facing an extremely small campaign budget, be sure to get the most bang for your buck by bribing the vote counters” Dole lectures.

“And cut.” comes the command from behind the cameras.

Today Dole is on the set of the new UPN television series “The UC.” In this episode of the drama, Dole is guest starring as a political science professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. It’s no surprise then that the show’s title comes from the abbreviation of the twin cities that this campus resides on.

Veteran actor and “The UC” star Tony Danza came over to compliment Dole on his performance after the one-session take.

“Man, I gotta tell you Bob, you sure know how to speak well!” said an enthusiastic Danza.

“Bob Dole better know how to speak well. The ability to speak well wins Bob Dole votes, and besides that, Bob Dole has only been a politician for 40 years!” said an increasingly angry Dole.

Danza laughed. “Allright. Why don’t you go over to the food table and eat some Dole (brand) fruit!” Ha ha!” Danza said.

Dole also seemed to be able to relate well to the younger cast members who all play central roles on the show. While currently no-names, eventually they all hope to leave their mark on tinsel-town.

Norma Jean Dougherty in one such actress, and was kind enough to comment on Dole. “Who’s ever heard of little old me? To have a big celebrity like Bob Dole come on the show, you know things are looking up around here.”

But asked what he though about being a part of a show that’s such a blatant rip-off of Fox’s own very popular program entitled “The OC,” Dole had this to say;

“Bob Dole never passes up an opportunity to get on TV. The more people see Bob Dole on TV, hear Bob Dole on the radio, read Bob Dole in their books and newspapers, and surf Bob Dole on their hippy-dippy computers, the more likely people will vote for Bob Dole!” exclaimed the former presidential candidate.

Speaking of the publicity aspect, while Dole’s character is named “Bob Dole” in the show, Mr. Dole claims that he is by no means playing himself.

“On this TV show, a man named Bob Dole is a cheating person who would do anything to win an election, and routinely uses illegal campaign activities. In real life, the real Bob Dole only does whatever is necessary to get people to vote for Bob Dole.”

Some other cast members still seemed confused by the fact that Dole is apparently not playing himself, such as one of the youthful actors who only goes by the name of “Ted.”

“Dude, I don’t know who that guy is. First, he introduces himself as Bob Dole to me, and tells me to vote for Bob Dole. Then, once we start filming…he says his name is Bob Dole! I don’t know if he’s Bob Dole, or if he’s Bob Dole!”

“It’s like that one time I met So-crates, except everyone else called him Socrates.” a perplexed Ted continued.

“Ted’s totally right dude. So-crates was an awesome guy” interrupted one of Ted’s fellow co-stars, and friends, Bill. “Ted and I had an excellent adventure with him one time.”

In unison, Ted and Bill both exclaimed, “excellent!”

Aside from the youthful chaos on the set, Dole had no intention of sticking around for the nightly “celebrations” that the regular actors partake in after each day of shooting “The UC.”

“Bob Dole has better things to do besides dance and drink with the young ninnies, and having to rely on a liver the Germans shot in WWII!” fumed Dole, before getting into his limo to be whisked away to the Champaign airport.

Editor’s note: Two days after this story was written, UPN cancelled “The UC,” thus meaning our TV nation will not be graced will Bob Dole’s performance.