Dole Runs For Mayor of One-Person Town

Dole Runs for Mayor of One-person Town

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

8/27/2005

Monowi, Nebraska – The small wooden sign that greets visitors on the edge of town is simple, with its hand-painted lettering stating, “Welcome to Monowi, Nebraska’s smallest town. Population: 1.”

This hamlet was exactly what Dole’s senate staff was looking for. In hopes of adding another win to his election tally, Dole himself requested that a town with only one resident be selected for a campaign for mayor. It was a quest that took over two long years of research.

“When Mr. Dole first decided he wanted to run for mayor of a small town, we found a candidate in Montana back in 2003. But after some of the staff actually visited the site, we discovered the town didn’t have one resident, but 12. Needlessly to say, Mr. Dole was less than optimistic he could get seven out of 12 people to vote for him, so we skipped it.” explained Dole staff member Gerald Perry.

Hence why on this warm sunny day a caravan of Chevys was headed towards the fabled destination on the only road that runs through town.

Needlessly to say, Ms. Elsie Eiler, the widow of the town’s former tavern owner, was more than a little surprised when the four black cars rolled into town. Manning her post behind one of the town’s two non-residential buildings, the library (housed in a small storage shed), she went outside to greet the visitors.

“What in the name of Smokey Robison is going on here?” she asked.

After easing out of the second of the four vehicles, Dole approached her.

“Greetings prized voter. Bob Dole is Bob Dole, and Bob Dole would like you to vote for Bob Dole as your mayor. Therefore, Bob Dole must live here in order to run.”

Without blinking an eye, Elsie processed Dole’s outrageous request, and rolled with it. “Where are you going to live?” she said.

“In this car. Bob Dole fully expects the election process to take no more than a day.” replied Dole.

“If we have elections now will you get out of here faster?” she asked.

“Yes” said Dole.

“Then come with me” she said, motioning towards the shack of a library.

Once inside, Elsie said, “Everybody wait here; I have to make you an “official” resident first.”

Ms. Eiler then went back to her home to retrieve a can of black paint and a paintbrush, then proceeded to change the sign on the edge of town: Population: 2.

Returning, she began the election, serving as election official. She took out two slips of blank paper, and emptied a cardboard box that had some books in it.

“Before we vote, would you like to make a speech Mr. Dole?” she asked.

“Yes” said Dole, standing up.

“Bob Dole says that Bob Dole has lived a long a painful life, at least ever since the Germans got Bob Dole. Bob Dole almost became President of the US, but didn’t. Now Bob Dole must make up for the 30 million votes Bob Dole lost by to claim Bob Dole’s rightful place in history. Thank you.”

“Allright, now it’s my turn.” said Elise. “It’s my town, I’m the only one who really lives here, and I don’t care if you’re Tom Cruise, I’m not voting for you.” she finished.

Both candidates then proceed to write on their respective ballots, placing them in the cardboard box.

Elise removed the ballots from the cardboard box and began counting.

She opened the first ballot. Only the Dole camp was in suspense.

“One vote for Bob Dole” she said.

Cheers erupted from Dole’s aids, and Dole himself did something he hadn’t done in a long time; smiled.

“The second vote,” she said with no drama at all, “goes to Elise Eiler.”

The Dole camp let out a collective groan of disappointment, punctuated by sighs afterwards. A tie.

“What happens now?” asked Dole.

“We refer to the Monowi bylaws regarding election ties.” Moving to the back corner of the library, she pulled out a volume that was covered in dust.

Scanning the pages, she read, “In the event of a tie, the candidates must race down Main Street pushing a wheel of cheddar cheese that is three feet in diameter.”

The next morning, people from near and far gathered to watch this epic race for an office only two people cared about. An hour before the race, people were already lined two deep on the street. Vendors sold popcorn and soda. Niko Smith sang the national anthem. Bookies even took money and jotted down wagers. Needless to say, the odds were not in Dole’s favor.

The starter’s gun fired, and they were off! Well, at least the 71 year old Eiler was. The older Dole was off to a slow start.

Ms. Elier pushed her wheel up to speed, but began having trouble directing it as it gained momentum. Despite that, she was still looking good as she neared the halfway point of the 300 yard race.

Meanwhile, Dole lingered near the start line, straining to roll his wheel along with only the use of one hand. It looked hopeless.

Suddenly the crowd let out a gasp as Elise lost control of her wheel. It veered off to the right, going into the crowd. In its aftermath, it was discovered the giant cheese wheel had mowed down O.J. Simpson. Everyone else was fine.

Seeing this take place up ahead, Dole was inspired to go faster. With additional encouragement from his aides, he quickly gained ground.

Moving as fast as she could, Elise rolled the giant mass off the flattened and bloodied O.J. and back on course.

By this time, Dole had narrowed the distance gap to a mere eight yards. But alas, the younger Eiler proved to be too much for Dole. She won by more than 32 yards.

A disgusted Martha Stewart, who had bet 3,000 shares of ImClone on Dole, threw her wager slip on the ground. “Shit!” she exclaimed.

On the other side of the street, a jubilant Vivienne Chan cheered; another jackpot in the bag!

As the crowd slowly began to disperse, Dole didn’t even bother to stick around. He silently got into his vehicle.

As the caravan left town and picked up speed on the deserted road, Elsie again went to get her paint can and brush.

Population: 1.