Dole Gets Job as Big Box Store Greeter

Dole Gets Job as Big Box Store Greeter

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

5/4/2008

Vandalia, IL - Watching John McCain run for President has been tough on Bob Dole, not because he's taken flak from obese radio talk show hosts, but because the aging Senator still yearns for votes so darn much. But with a political career that has become stagnant since his loss in 1996, Dole has been forced to find a new career path. After the connections he made in politics completely failed him, Dole turned in desperation back to ideas his Interns had proposed in a brainstorming session that yielded the disastrous idea of utilizing crop circles for his campaign.

"Hey hey hey, here's the transcript you requested Senator," said Dole campaign Intern William Cosby. "Looks like there are still plenty of good ideas to use" added Cosby before leaving. Dole spent the next hour pouring over the material, but ultimately used pure instinct to choose an idea. The final decision; Dole would become a Big Box Store greeter, and use his position to garner more votes by passing out political propaganda.

Rural America is nothing less than the backbone of this country, a claim Bob Dole is quick to make after years of campaigning in small towns across Kansas. So it was only natural that Dole would return to his roots by taking a new career path that put him back in the thick of rural Midwest America.

Flash forward to Vandalia, a town that draws people far and wide to shop at its Big Box Store. It was here in a small room at the back of the store where Dole could be found seated across from store manager Jim Riggleman. Riggleman read over Dole's resume out loud.

"First job was a soda jerk; well, those haven't existed since 1961...war veteran, that's good. No previous management or retail experience, unable to do any manual labor...looks like you're only cut out to do one job around here" finished Riggleman.

"You've read Bob Dole's mind" stated Dole flatly.

After presenting him with a green colored Big Box Store vest and personalized name tag, Riggleman sent Dole off to the front entrance to replace the slightly less ancient Herb Williamson as the greeter. When Herb had finally hobbled out of sight, Intern Cosby hastily walked from the parking lot to the entrance, giving Dole a number of "Vote for Bob Dole" stickers.

As the first shoppers trickled by Dole, he used his outstanding people skills to welcome them to the store, and before they knew it, they were walking away with the red, white, and blue political stickers. While his success rate wasn't 100%, Dole still managed to get a few stickers into the hands of elusive demographics like teenage hoodlums and Scientologists . Conversely, Dole had to practically shoe away the meandering farmers who aimlessly walked about the store, who had plenty of time to spare for conversations about the weather, wheat prices, and somewhat begrudgingly, politics.

After Intern Cosby came into the store to wrangle away the 32nd farmer who just wouldn't stop talking to Dole, the next person to enter the behemoth of a store was frequent Big Box Store shopper Martha Stewart. While Dole instantly recognized the home-decor diva, he was shocked to discover that Stewart thought he was vaguely familiar.

"Hello Martha Stewart, Bob Dole welcomes you back to Big Box Store. Would you like some coupons and a Vote for Bob Dole sticker?"

"Why thank you" Stewart said as she took the items from Dole. Instead of moving on into the labyrinth of metal shelves, Stewart paused and stared at Dole. "You know, you look vaguely familiar. Have I seen you on TV before?"

"Why yes, Bob Dole used to be on television all the time in 1996. Back then Bob Dole told people to vote for Bob Dole, which is what Bob Dole is doing even right now."

"Right..." said Stewart, trying to comprehend Dole's statement. "Good luck with that."

"Thank you Martha Stewart. And thank you for shopping at Big Box Store!" an exhilarated Dole said.

In the "monitoring room" where all the security camera feeds were accessed, Jim Riggleman watched Dole's antics in disgust. "What the hell does he think he's doing, talking about free speech and voting and all that" wondered the Big Box Store manager.

An hour (and 122 stickers) later, Riggleman finally had his fill of Dole's use of free speech on company time. It was during one of Dole's frequent breaks sitting on the bench next to a Sam's Choice soda machine that the harrowed Big Box Store manager approached Dole.

"Bob, I know you're new here, but it's against company policy to hand out political propaganda on the job" Riggleman told him bluntly.

"Propaganda? You call this propaganda? This is what Bob Dole fought to protect when Bob Dole took a boat ride to Italy. This is free speech" Dole exclaimed.

"Ha ha ha" Riggleman laughed, enjoying Dole's comments so much that he went so far as to slap his knee. "You gave up all your Constitutional rights the moments you walked through those sliding doors." As Riggleman rose to his feed, he said, "I'll need your vest and your name tag before you leave. And don't mind our guys in the black minivan, they're just gonna give you a little escort on your car ride home.

Later in the back seat of Dole's Chevy Trailblazer, Intern Cosby gave Dole a brief rundown of the success of the event. "Overall Senator, 172 new people heard your message about voting for Bob Dole, and since mainstream press all but ignores you these days, you won't get any negative publicity from being fired."

"That's wonderful" Dole replied. "It was just like the good old days where Dole was pressing the flesh eight hours a day, telling everyone about Bob Dole" continued Dole, relishing the end of a hard day's work. "Bob Dole is famished. Driver, please take Bob Dole and everyone to the nearest Cracker Barrel for dinner."

"Cracker Barrel for the cracker" muttered Intern Cosby as he shuffled through some papers.

"What was that Cosby? Bob Dole is hard of hearing."

"Hey hey hey, I don't like Cracker Barrel because they don't have Jell-O" Intern Cosby said.

"Very well" replied Dole. "Driver, take Bob Dole to the nearest Target store first so Dole and Cosby can buy Jell-O desert, which will be consumed after we leave Cracker Barrel."