Dole Celebrates Independence (from Bina & Doley Dole) Day

Dole Celebrates Independence (from Bina & Doley Dole) Day

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

7/10/2007

Washington, D.C. - As most of the nation recently took time out of their normal routines to enjoy and celebrate our country’s independence on July 4^th, Senator Bob Dole happily joined the large crowds in the Capitol for this event, but afterwards quickly turned his attention to an additional day of personal celebration.

What would possibly be cause for celebration on a random Tuesday in the blistering heat of July? Dole explained it at an impromptu press conference here in the shadow of the Washington Monument. As he spoke, touring groups, many of them 8^th-grade students, pointed and laughed at the seemingly deranged old guy sweltering in his two-piece pinstripe suit, talking to no one in particular.

“Today, Bob Dole celebrates a special day in the history of Bob Dole, for July 10^th is the day that Bob Dole first arrived in Washington after leaving Russell, Kansas for good. As a younger Bob Dole hobbled off a train, Bob Dole hadn’t felt more free and exhilarated since the first time a vote was cast for Bob Dole.”

Moreover, Dole related why it was his “independence” day amidst the jeers of the preteen hooligans.

“After the Germans wrecked havoc on Bob Dole, Bob Dole had to live at home while Bob Dole tried to recover. Bob Dole couldn’t walk for a long while, so Bob Dole was once again completely dependant on the kindness of Bina and Doley Dole. Bless her heart, Bina was well intentioned, but Bob Dole can only take so much of being told what to eat and how to vote before Bob Dole gets cranky. Plus, Bob Dole did not like having to spend time with Bob Dole’s new wife Phyllis with Bina and dear old dad (Doley) around.”

After digging through the archives at the Robert J. Dole Institute of Politics, the Bob Dole Says Vote for Bob Dole website unearthed Bina Dole’s own thoughts on her son’s departure for the nation’s capital. In her personal hand-written journal, the entry for July 10^th, 1957 reads;

“Dear Robert phoned us from the train station in Washington today to say that he made it there allright. Thank God. Now someone else will have to listen to poor Bobby continually bemoan the Germans for blowing him up, and about how he feels sorry for himself because some people just don’t want to vote for him. Finally, now Doley & I can walk down to the theater on quiet evenings, and I don’t have to worry a lick about a whiny pessimist trying to make omelets with one hand back at the house.”

Leaving self-pity behind him in Russell, a rejuvenated Dole simply chose instead to ignore failure whenever it presented itself (which was often), and just see if he could hang around long enough to outlive other Republicans for a chance as the nation’s Chief. When asked about it at the press conference, Dole answered…

“Bob Dole thought to Bob Dole, if Bob Dole can just keep telling everyone about Bob Dole, eventually they’ll let Bob Dole have a shot, because they’ll be tired of Bob Dole asking them to vote for Bob Dole!”

After finishing his press conference, Dole turned his attention to the festivities. Gathered under a large tent in a special roped-off section next to the monument, Dole’s family and friends were eager to drink lots of free booze and pretend to like Dole’s “unusual” celebration activities and games.

A chipper Elizabeth Dole helped round up the kids in attendance to play the first game, which Bob Dole affectionately called, “Pay Bob Dole’s first power bill.” On queue, each child was handed an envelope with a slip of paper from Washington Power & Gas inside for the amount of $5.80. On the count of three, the kids were allowed to run to a couch setup under the tent, and rummage for spare change to pay their fake power bills with. Billy “’lil Rummy” Rumsfeld was first, placing his change-filled envelope in the mailbox on the far side of the tent before anyone else, but only after tripping up little Susie Lott to get there.

Other favorites from the day included, “learning how to button your shirt with one hand on account of German villainy,” and “wash Bob Dole’s laundry,” a delightful contest where the kids actually got to use old fashioned wooden tubs and washboards to wash a week’s worth of Bob Dole’s real dirty clothes!

Finally, after a delicious meal of sausages and Freedom Fries (which Dan Quayle was quick to point out were specially made from a single Kansas-grown potato), the group gathered after dusk around a impromptu stage made from stacks of leftover Scooter Libby trial documents, and watched as Dole capped the night. As a karaoke machine was fired up, Dole sang along with Billy Joel’s classic “My Life,” albeit taking the liberty of changing some of the words. Unable to hold a microphone, a nearly inanimate Dole tried to belt out…

“Got a call from the Army

Desperation musta been real close

Said the Germans wanted to end the American way

Quite Kansas U, sold the phonograph

Got a free boat ride to Europe

Then the Germans shot Bob Dole in the leg

Bob Dole doesn’t need you to worry for Bob Dole cause Bob Dole’s allright

Bob Dole doesn’t want you to tell Bob Dole how to vote

Bob Dole doesn’t care what Bina says anymore, this is Bob Dole’s life

Go ahead cast your own vote, vote for Bob Dole…”

Dole continued as some of the younger people in the group (including runaways from several of the 8^th grade touring groups) moved and danced to the music, ignoring the 83 year-old’s singing.

“Bob Dole said Bob Dole needs a second chance

(Bob Dole said Bob Dole)

Bob Dole has always been a victim of circumstance

(Bob Dole said)

Bob Dole belongs, don’t get Bob Dole wrong

And you can vote your mind

Just don’t vote for the opposition this time

Bina tells you can’t sleep alone with your old votes

Then Doley Dole tells you to sleep on the floor

Ah, but sooner or later the election results come in

Either way, its ok as long as you get votes…

…Bob Dole doesn’t care what Bina says anymore, this is Bob Dole’s life

Go ahead cast your own vote, vote for Bob Dole.”

Genuine applause filled the humid tent as the spectators congratulated Elizabeth Dole for bravely enduring such torturous singing for 32 years. Bob Dole stared blankly as she smiled and waved.

As the clock passed eleven, Dole said a pleasant goodnight to the last few people to leave, but not before reminding them that they were welcome to attend the upcoming “Independence from the First Wife Day” later on in the week.