People Bet When Dole Will Croak

People Betting on When Bob Dole Will Croak

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

1/24/2005

Las Vegas, Navada – It’s well know that the U.S. as a collective nation has a gambling streak. In Vegas, you can bet on everything from football, foosball, and Chutes & Ladders. But now things have reached a new level of insanity; people betting on when Bob Dole will croak.

“It’s not that big of a deal. We used to have the “Celebrity Death Pool” at ESPN when I was still on Sportscenter.” explained noted TV personality Keith Olberman. “You buy in and get a random celebrity’s name, then, if they’re the first to die, you win!”

Bob Dole himself had a mixed reaction to the situation. “On one hand, Bob Dole is mad. People profiting off of Bob Dole dying is not funny. But then again, Bob Dole also laughs. Bob Dole has already lived millions of years; Bob Dole is not ever going away, even if people did finally elect Bob Dole President.”

Charlie Hustle bet $50 Bob Dole would die between March 6 and April 17 of 2006. “Why bet on the Super Foosball Bowl when Bob Dole croaking is a sure thing? I think I’ll win. I mean, the old geezer has to die sometime. I figure his ticker will only hold out a little over a year” Hustle said.

It’s not known exactly how much underground money is riding on Bob Dole, but figures range somewhere between $1,000 to much as $42 billion (Bill Gates is rumored to have made his own wager, which could not be confirmed at press time). McKendree College economist Brian Retardando theorized that this could have an adverse effect on the economy. “If Bob Dole does die, some people will win money; others who don’t win will lose money. That’s what I teach at McKendree. All in all, money will be changing hands throughout the economy.”

Dole is already trying to concoct a way to translate the bets into cash for his campaign. Would Bob Dole kill himself in order to boost his campaign finances? It’s a ridiculous question, but this is also the man who ran for Second Baseman for the 2004 National League All-Star team, so seemingly ridiculous questions suddenly must be considered.

“Bob Dole could kill Bob Dole, but of course, if anybody found out, all the Bob Dole bets would be void. A tough decision for sure. Bob Dole believes he could pull it off; heck, there are legitimately many people who would kill Bob Dole for no money" Dole said.