Dole-o-bites Contest Nets Dole More Votes

Dole-o-bites Contest Nets Dole More Votes

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

2/25/2007

Fremont County, Colorado – For those who say Bob Dole sometimes acts a little thick-headed, they would’ve loved to have been on hand for today’s press conference in a remote part of this Colorado county, as the former Senator stood before an attentive crowd of 12 breathing (and amused) locals, and this reporter, crowing about how wonderful calcium magnesium carbonate (that’s right, a rock) is. So as not to confuse those on hand, Dole gleefully chose to only refer to the rock as its more common name…dolomite.

Yes, after hearing about the liked-named rock from a professor at his beloved University of Kansas, Dole immediately set to work on a way to capitalize on the inanimate object’s name. After assigning his overworked interns to another long brainstorming session, Dole took credit for the idea of Dole-o-bites, a cereal whose name is obviously meant to play off of dolomite’s name.

“Dole-o-bites will be a healthy cereal for kids to eat, because it will include real bits of dolomite, which is sometimes used as a dietary supplement. However, to make sure kids get the most out of it, the cereal will use unaltered pieces of the rock directly in the cereal, mined of course from this wonderful facility here in Colorado.”

Dole flipped to the next page of his speech, and said, “Putting real dolomite into the cereal makes kids’ teeth strong, and lets them practice chewing. Plus, they love the shiny pink dolomite in the cereal; who needs marshmallow hearts and stars when your cereal can sparkle, even without milk!

Dole made his usual effort to try and suck up to the crowd too. “Better yet, on the back of every Dole-o-bites box, there will be a fake Presidential ballot that kids can vote for Bob Dole on, and then they can send it through the mail to Bob Dole, and get chunks of dolomite in return!”

The locals cheered. “This will surely drive dolomite demand almost as high as a Chinese missile blowing up a satellite!” said a confident Dole. The crowd then clapped wearily, looking at each other nervously.

After the press conference, the Senator proceeded to board a plane for Mahwah, New Jersey,and his recently purchased industrial warehouse. It is here at the 125,000 square foot facility that all the ballots from the cereal contest will be counted and stored, and the subsequent dolomite prizes shipped out. Dole wanted to supervise its first day of operations in person. He went to see his man in charge, manager Bob Saget.

“Hello Bob” said Bob Dole.

“Hello Bob” said Bob Saget.

“How are things going around here” asked Dole.

“Senator, we’ve got a “full house” of Dole-o-bites!” laughed funnyman Saget.

Bob Dole gave Saget a chilly and evil stare.

“Uh, we’re shipping out the cereal across the nation, and we’re ready for the ballots to start coming in, seeing as our initial shipment of dolomite chunks from Colorado just arrived” said a serious Saget.

“Very good” said Dole. “That’s all I wanted to know.

Jet-setting again, Dole made the short trip north to New York City, where an entire production team was awaiting his arrival. Here, he would appear in Dole-o-bites’ first commercial, and hopefully help spawn its success.

On a stage set up to look like the interior of a grocery store, a mother and her six year old daughter are browsing through the cereal aisle.

“Ok sweetie, do you want Captain Crunch again, or how about Jack Bauer’s Terrorist Torture Flakes? It says you get a real terrorist’s severed finger in each box!”

“No! That’s icky!” the unhappy little one exclaimed. Then, her eyes widen as she saw a new cereal on the shelf.

“Mommy, mommy! Look here! This cereal is so shiny!” She grabbed the box of the shelf. “I want Dole-o-bites!!”

On the director’s signal, Dole stepped into the frame. “That’s right. Dole-o-bites is a 100% natural cereal that is not only shiny, but tastes good too. Dole-o-bites is made from certified organic dolomite that has been nurtured over eons by Mother Nature herself.”

Turning to the mother, Dole said, “Can you believe it, something older than Bob Dole!” Both the mother and Dole then shared a forced, awkward laugh.

“And cut” said director Steve Jobs, as the actors took a break before beginning the next scene. “That was great Bob! I’m so glad I permanently quite my job at Apple to come work on your commercial!”

“Yes, and here is your payment we agreed upon; one entire case of Dole-o-bites.”

The crew had the dining room scene setup, so filming quickly began again.

“Mommy, you’re right, Dole-o-bites makes my teeth look shiny” exclaimed the little girl, showing her mom, and the camera, her set of chipped and broken, yet shiny, pearly white teeth.

“That’s great honey! When you’re done eating, don’t forget to fill out the fake Presidential ballot on the back of the box, so you can learn how to vote, and so we can send it in & and get you your very own piece of real dolomite!”

“But only if you vote for Bob Dole” said a stern-face Senator, sitting across the table from the little girl. Dole then winked at the mom, who then sighed dreamily, as if she thought an 83 year old man who only referred to himself in the third person was attractive.

Nearly two weeks later, Dole eagerly got up early on a Saturday morning to watch the debut of his commercial.

Before he could see it, there was an urgent telephone call for him. It was his loyal servant Bob Saget, hard at work at the New Jersey warehouse.

“Senator Dole, we have an emergency here! A consortium of insurance agents has invaded the sacred confines of your vote storage area, and has set the place on fire!”

“Bob Dole’s god” exclaimed Dole. “But why!?” asked Dole.

“Apparently, Dole-o-bites has lead to a gargantuan increase in dental claims, and they want the cereal to be disbanded!”

“Is there any good news?” asked Dole.

“Yes. A gang of dentists who want to keep their lucrative business going have appeared to take on the insurance agents in an unholy street war, using their water picks and suction thingies. At first, it was one dentist vs. 100 insurance agents, but then more dentists arrived” shouted Saget above the noise of the ongoing gang war.

“Bob Dole’s votes are ruined!” lamented Dole. After a slight pause, he added, “The street battle sounds interesting though. Record it & post it on YouTube later today so Bob Dole can watch it.”