Dole Utilizes Crop "Circles" for New Campaign

Dole Utilizes Crop “Circles” for new campaign

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

7/5/2006

Iowa City, Iowa - In gearing up for fall elections at the start of the 2006, Bob Dole had implored his staff to think of creative new takes on campaign advertising to capture not only attention, but hopefully extra votes. Unfortunately, in light of the job hazard of having to endure countless boring stories about school lunch programs and soda fountains from their monotone leader, creativity was abysmal. After two months, the staff had collectively produced nothing except a list of campaign slogans rhyming with Dole. “Bowl with Dole and he’ll tell you about the coal toll,” was their nonsensical crowning achievement in the early going.

Out of nothing short of desperation, Dole pleaded with his dentist to “borrow” some laughing gas, and proceeded to lock his staff in a room, releasing the jovial concoction upon them.

In between spurts of laughter, the staff blurted out ridiculous ideas, in turn making themselves laugh even harder, which in turn brought on more crazy ideas.

“We could hire Alf to be his national celebrity endorsement!” blurted out speech writer Max Wright in between his unique hyena-like laughs.

“We could invade Wal-Marts and pretend to be greeters, and hand out T-shirts!” yelled another.

“Let’s go to the Lincoln Memorial and put a Bob Dole mask over Lincoln!”

“Let’s make everyone think aliens came to Earth and made crop circles telling people to vote for Bob Dole!”

In the adjoining room, Dole was listening in to their outburst thanks to microphones installed by new intern Michael Jack Schmitt, who was laughing along while recording the proceedings.

“Senator, did you just hear that last “idea” about crop circles?!” asked Intern Schmitt.

“Yes, Bob Dole did. Bob Dole likes it.”

Instantly Intern Schmitt’s smile faded. “You mean, you seriously want to do that?! No joke?”

“Just type up Bob Dole a list of the ideas they’re spewing out. It’s a tough choice between vandalizing the Lincoln Memorial or creating crop circles, but maybe Bob Dole will be inspired by the letters in Bob Dole’s alphabet soup tomorrow to pick one.”

Sitting in an arduous Senate session the following day, Dole pondered over that list of ideas while simultaneously pretending to listen to Ted Kennedy’s filibuster about the best place to get a steak and a liter of vodka in New York City. Just at that moment, Senator Dole heard something…a voice of startling clarity that sounded uncannily like actor Ray Liotta.

“If you build it, they will vote.”

Dole looked around to see if anyone had reacted to the voice. No one had, which wasn’t too surprising to Dole, considering no one else ever heard Herbert Hoover relating political strategies to him. What the Senator was surprised by was a vision of an Iowa cornfield transposed over Ted Kennedy’s gynormous wrinkled forehead; it a view high above a cornfield, with a pattern in the field reading “Vote For Bob Dole.”

So hence that was how the Dole staff found themselves in Iowa City, where local farmer Bill Hayworth answered the open call for a field that the owner was willing to destroy, and as he told the Senator, he was more than happy to do so.

“Heck Bob, at the price you’re payin’, it evens beats the government subsidies you got me from Warshinten D.C.!” Bill happily told the Senator.

Standing out in the middle of the hot and dusty mess, Intern Schmitt was checking Google Earth on his laptop to see if the boys back in California were updating the pictures as they had promised. The Senator’s campaign fund was “contributing” a hoard of cash to the “don’t be evil” cause in order to make sure UFO enthusiasts around the world could check out the message for themselves through Google Earth. Intern Schmitt wasn’t seeing any updated images though. He phoned Google, but was told the Dole work would be done only after Google finished censoring everything on the Internet so Chinese citizens could see nothing except websites worshiping David Hasselhoff (what could even be more evil than that!!?).

Getting down to the dirty work, staff members used GPS coordinates to stand on the edge of each letter, and then used ropes tied between poles to mark straight lines in the field. Bright orange spray paint on the arid dirt marked any curvature in the lettering. Watching from his lawn chair near the country road running parallel to the field, the ever impatient Dole was considering issuing a command to use flamethrowers to expedite the process, but after watching Intern Schmitt accidentally light a telephone pole on fire with one, he simply ordered another ice water.

As daylight was fading, the heat of the day was taking a heavier and heavier toll on efficiency. Inevitably, everyone gave up for the day after finishing “Bob”, and went back to their hotel for a rest.

The next day, the staff hastily resumed work on their project, in light of the fact that the Senator had rented a helicopter that very morning in order to view the final product in all its glory, and was being charged by the hour for it. Staffers madly hacked and slashed their way through the corn.

As the work neared completion, Dole’s helicopter rose into the sky, and a smile crept across the ancient Senator’s face as he made out the word, “VOTE.” That smile soon turned into agony though, as he was shocked to see that the rest of the message proclaimed, “FOR BOB ELOD.”

Sitting at his kitchen table the next day in Bishop, Kansas, the last remaining member of the Whig party, Senate hopeful Robert Elod, read over one particular news blurb in his copy of USA Today with much excitement. He called in his wife.

“Honey, forget Rob, you can start calling me “Bob” now! Gussie yourself up too; I’m expectin’ some newspapermen to be showin’ up soon! I’m actually gonna win the election this fall! ”

As the Dole camp expected, the crop writing generated a large amount of publicity, albeit for the wrong person. At first, staff members weren’t too concerned because only the likes of the National Inquirer and the Greenup Press were easily fooled into making Mr. Elod a sensation. Things took a turn for the worst when legitimate news outlets saw through the deception and onto a new type of campaign advertising. Once that happened, Mr. Elod was on track for an Oprah appearance, and at that point, all hope of Senator Dole defeating Mr. Elod was lost.

Those future developments aside, upon returning to Washington, Intern Schmitt had to relate even more bad news, courtesy of a belated phone call from farmer Hayworth.

“Senator, it appears that the 1923 Chicago Cubs have suddenly walked out of your crop circle field, and are demanding that you go back to Iowa and personally oversee the construction of a baseball field for them to play on.”

The weary Dole took perverse pleasure in uttering, “Bob Dole says torch the whole thing with flamethrowers.”