Dole Contests '96 Election

Dole Contests '96 Election

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

12/17/2007

Washington, D.C. - Today Senator Bob Dole briskly walked into the Election Commission office with his usual entourage of staffers, who were pulling dozens of red Radio Flyer wagons through the office entrance. Inside these wagons were stacks of paper ballots, votes Dole has been accumulating in the years since his defeat in the 1996 Presidential Election. Only now on this sleepy day in the dead of winter does he finally feel that he has enough proof to contest the election.

Thrilled that a visitor had entered through the office doors for the first time in more than eight weeks, an eager Rolf Cooper quickly ended his game of Minesweeper so he could address the Senator. "Welcome to the United States Election Commission, how can I help you" asked the middle aged Cooper, a comparative kid to the aging Dole that stood before him.

The Senator began to rattle off the small speech he had prepared for this event that was so important to him. "In 1996 Bob Dole ran for President, and told Americans to vote for Bob Dole. Many Americans voted for Bob Dole, but this Election Commission said more voted for Bob Dole's opponent. Despite the unthinkable outcome, Bob Dole has always known that Americans, along with Bob Dole, want Bob Dole to be President. Now, Bob Dole presents to you votes people have cast for Bob Dole, enough to overcome the deficit Bob Dole "supposedly" lost by in 1996."

The plump and bearded Cooper listened in earnest. "Ah, you're protesting an election. Please fill out form EP809 and bring it back to me" he said, plopping a clipboard and a pen down on the wooden desktop.

Dole summoned assistance from intern William Cosby. As Dole dictated what to write to his humble and Jell-O loving intern, Rolf started a new game of minesweeper.

A short time later in upstate New York, a Secret Service agent with an urgent bulletin approached a man watching a video titled "Interns Gone Wild." "This is good stuff," the man commented to himself as the agent entered the room.

"President Clinton, this just came in from Washington," said the agent. He showed Bill a security camera photo of Dole standing before the front desk of the Election Commission. "Well pull my pants down and call me a razorback" replied the former leader of the free world. "I can't believe that old foggy is really going through with it!"

Back at the waiting area in the Election Commission, William Cosby read Question 16, part A to Bob Dole. "Are you aware of any illegal aliens that voted in the election being protested?"

"Put down yes" conceded Dole. "Bob Dole's election staff in Maine enticed some Canadians to come over the border and vote for Bob Dole with Celine Dion concert tickets and VHS copies of TV Nation."

Meanwhile Clinton was soon on a conference call with many of his most trusted friends and advisors, including Dan Rather, Bob Barker, Satan, Don Denkinger, and Hannah Montana.

"Allright folks, what should I do about Bob Dole? He just won't go away," said Clinton.

"The next item up for bid…your legacy" exclaimed Barker. "You've got to spay or neuter him!"

"Little too drastic, plus I think it might violate a United Nations accord I might have signed. Devil, what do you think?" asked Clinton.

"Hey, the ownership papers for Hillary's soul just cleared, so I'm too busy trying to rig next year's election," said Satan.

"You're safe, by a long shot" said Don Denkinger. "Don't worry about it."

"Point taken blind man. And what are your thoughts Hannah honey?"

"Like, I so totally hate being one of your advisors. And your offer of making me an intern when I turn 18 is like so totally gross. I just took this as a resume builder so like I can get into a better college. Like, I may not have been around back in ancient Greece when you were President, but I like so totally heard from my one smart friend about what goes on with you and interns. So gross. Disgusting." Having finally finished talking, Montana took a breath for the first time in 42 seconds.

"Don't you worry your little head about it," a sly Clinton said.

In Washington, the sound of Intern Cosby's voice echoed throughout the large stone Election Commission lobby as the lowly intern and the Senator from Kansas continued hanging out with Mr. Cooper. "Question 37. Do you believe a foreign nation convertly interfered in the election process? If yes, please list suspected Nations."

"Definitely yes. Put down Bolivia, Iceland, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo," dictated Dole. "Bob Dole knows they're still angry Bob Dole calls their country Zaire."

This process continued until they had finally anwered all 112 questions together. When finished, Dole confidently strode up to the desk where Rolf was sitting, and had Intern Cosby plunk down the clipboard.

After glancing over the form, more waiting ensued as Cooper proceeded to walk around to the line of red wagons the staffers had assembled in the area, randomly pulling out votes from each one. Once seated back as his desk, he began to examine their validity.

"What do we have here," Cooper said to himself, looking over the hodgepodge of votes Dole was presenting. "A baseball All-Star ballot, a cutout from a cereal box…." Cooper frowned at the unofficial documents spread out before him.

Cooper put on his glasses and thoroughly examined the form Dole had spent much time filling out. After some time, Rolf reached to his left to grab a large stamp, and brought it down on the document with a thud.

"Protest denied," Cooper said undramatically. You could almost hear the sigh of relief all the way from the Clinton camp in New York as they watched the proceedings over the security camera.

"Bob Dole demands to know why," Bob Dole said.

"The statue of limitations has passed on it" Rolf said.

Dole whispered in the ear of Intern Cosby. Cosby then immediately took to the task of acting out Dole's frustration for him, since the Senator was limited in movement by his badge of courage from World War II. Intern Cosby bounced around, swinging his fists in the air in wild arcs like a British pansy from the 1760s.

"Why did you waste Bob Dole's time by not denying the protest earlier" asked an angered Dole with the accompaniment of Intern Cosby's ridiculous motions.

"Honestly, I haven't had any practice since the 2000 election. Besides, it was better than playing Minesweeper the entire time. See, it's already closing time. Thank you for stopping by the Election Commission. Remember, we're here to serve you," Cooper said, reciting the department's motto.

Dole vowed to continue collecting votes, then said to Intern Cosby, "Bob Dole thanks you for helping Bob Dole once again. Bob Dole would like to take you to Costco and buy a twenty pound box of Jell-O for you as a reward."

"Hey hey hey, that's what I'm talking about," replied the Intern