Reward Points Turn Into Votes for Dole

Reward Points Turn Into Votes for Dole

By staff writer B.S.

Bob Dole Says Vote For Bob Dole Website

1/1/2008

Washington, D.C. - It may be a blessing to be a healthy and fit American citizen, but if the Germans got to you back in the day, making the most out of a bad situation isn't a bad approach to life. That's why on his fourth visit to Walter Reed hospital in the past month, Bob Dole didn't view his routine check-up and subsequent physical therapy session as anything but a nice occasion to say hi to the hospital staff he has grown to know so well. And of course, the fact that he had figured out a way to garner even more votes for doing something as passive as visiting a hospital was another major reason he entered the building in a chipper mood.

After having his motion to contest the 1996 Presidential Election recently denied, the wiley Senator from Kansas dusted himself off from his latest rejection and conjured up a brand new scheme to earn votes. A week before his latest visit to Walter Reed, Dole made a quick jaunt to the headquarters of MasterCard in New York City to meet executives and propose a new type of rewards credit card, which not surprisingly, directly benefited Dole. As MasterCard executives politely nodded their heads during the political relic's presentation, Dole proposed a new MasterCard rewards card that gave the user a point for every dollar spent at a hospital.

"Bob Dole must make this clear; Bob Dole is not buying votes. Bob Dole is simply being rewarded in the way Bob Dole wants to for using Bob Dole's MasterCard." Upon seeing the ancient Senator's eagerness to put his frequently large hospital bills on his card, the executives eagerly agreed to issue him the special card, issuing a memo stating the new crop of company interns should be left with hammering out the details

So a week later, Bob Dole began his merry-go-round of visiting specialists at Walter Reed. Dole always amused the doctors with his quick wit, and they in turn catered to him, such as his optometrist. "Can you read the first three lines for me Bob," asked eye specialist Dr. Dennis Zhivago.

"Of course Bob Dole can…." Trailing off, Dole studied the image. "The top is a giant letter "V," the next line says, "vote…," then straining to see the third line, he perked up once he identified it. "The third line says, "vote for Bob Dole." How wonderful to see you vote for Bob Dole doctor!" They both shared a laugh. Extending his own laughter, Dr. Zhivago told Dole, "It's funny because I haven't ever voted for you, and I never will!"

Meanwhile, MasterCard interns Joyce White and Fred Zanzibar stared at the memo that had just been faxed to their "office spaces" in the eight-floor stairwell. "Is this guy insane" wondered Fred out loud. "That's my guess," replied Joyce. "We've got to call Senator Dole's office and see what kind of votes they want, and how to get them to them" she added.

Under the harsh fluorescent lighting of the stairwell, Intern White sat patiently through three telephone rings before someone at Dole's office picked up.

"Hey hey hey, this is Intern Cosby for Senator's Dole office."

"Hello Mr. Cosby, this is Joyce White from MasterCard, and I'm calling because I have a few questions about the new Rewards Card program Senator Dole want to set up" she said.

"Well, I just finished a delicious Jell-O Pudding Pop on my break, so I'm ready for any questions you have!" Intern Cosby replied.

"Uh, great. First, I'm wondering what kind of votes Senator Dole wants, as in, where the heck are we going to get them, and who will vote for Senator Dole?" she asked.

"Hey hey hey, Senator Dole likes votes any way he can get them. All you need are two things; a piece of paper, and a red crayon. At the top, write "Who do you vote for?", then have "Bob Dole" and "Aloysius Snuffleupagus" as the two choices below that. Just put a big check mark in the box next to Bob Dole, and the Senator will be the happiest person who isn't a lobbyist in Washington," finished Cosby.

The dumbfounded Intern White tried to process the ridiculous information. "Ok, and where do I send the vote to after I make it?"

"Well, we've got a big air-conditioned warehouse out near the NSA complex where we keep all of Bob Dole's votes, along with my secret cache of Jell-O!" exclaimed Intern Cosby. "Here, I'll e-mail you the warehouse address right now…."

Back at Walter Reed, as Dole was being escorted to the reception area by his 25 year old buxom physical therapy trainer, Dole gave a rousing ramble about the importance of young peoples' participation in the democratic process, oblivious to any of her assets other than her voter registration card.

At the reception desk, Dole eagerly awaited the bill for the day's activities, hoping his insurance wouldn't cover too much of the costs so he could reap at least a few votes out of the process.

"Here's your bill for today Senator," said the receptionist, sliding the bill on the counter in front of him to view. Dole looked down and strained his eyes to find the total. "This is wonderful…Bob Dole will get five whole votes for this visit" he said excitedly, which earned him a look of dismay from the receptionist. "If only Bob Dole didn't have a deal with Pfizer, Bob Dole could even add to the total and get more votes by buying Bob Dole's Viagra right here!"

Instantly, an email notification popped up on MasterCard Intern Zanzibar's computer screen detailing Dole's hospital bill. Reaching for a red crayon, he asked Intern White, "How the hell do you spell "Aloysius" anyway?"

As Elizabeth Dole pulled up to the hospital entrance in their chauffeured sedan, the first words the Senator from Kansas said to the Senator from North Carolina were, "Wouldn't you know it, Bob Dole got five votes out of today's whole ordeal!"