Satire Article: Cheese is Dominating Global Economy

by Alden Wilkinson

China is the world's leading producer of all cheeses. They have been striving for this level of production for many years now. Now that they have achieved this level of production one Chinese official said, “This is the Chinese rebirth!” This has many top political watchdogs on high alert. Many of these watchdogs who have been watching China over the past few years say that the cheese was, “dangerous to overlook,”. 

The Whitehouse has recently put out a statement responding to this huge leap in Chinese aggression. The president even came out to do a presidential address saying, “The United States will not, I repeat will not stand for this dangerous and provocative escalation. I have called upon our European allies and all other countries who oppose this harmful stance China has taken to come together and fight. We are also removing all visas issued to Chinese citizens and placing tariffs on all Chinese goods.” After that powerful stance the president also declared a national emergency.  The president said that he would be imposing new laws effective immediately because of the “imminent threat,” that China posed. 

The courts have ruled to allow this seizure of power saying, “We have assessed the threat level of this cheese and deemed it to surpass any previously known threat, thus we have ruled that the president is within his right to activate the Act of 1455.” The Act of 1455 is the French doctrine that would allow for the president to have complete control over the country if the courts ruled to allow it.  

The decision to callback the visas of Chinese citizens from the president says house majority leader, Steve Scalise is, “Unacceptable,” and that it is, “not enough.” The house minority leader, Hakeem Jeffries echoing Scalise’s belief saying, “The president has still not pulled out all the stops…” and that, “if the president does not cut off Chinese trade outright the future generations ought not to thank us if we have any more generations to follow.”