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How to Save a Life - Hunter Bedinark (South Summit High School, Twelveth Grade)
Pray to god he hears you- The Fray
As a kid, I once wrote something in my documents, buried underneath my personal writing and school assignments. I opened it and read what it had to say. It was called “Suicide Note” and in it, I detailed how I imagined my death to go, down to every detail. I wrote out what would happen with my possessions, and I wrote and signed letters to the people who mean the most to me. Some of the letters were even partially written. It kind of scared me, to see myself, the reflection of me, one year ago. A little shorter, more acne, and something in my mind that was no longer fear. It was everything. I remember staying up for nights, taking to sitting by the toilet in case I threw up. I was consumed by myself, my own voice and my own face in the mirror. Everything I did was just another wrongdoing, every step was in the wrong direction. I had no more moves, no one I could turn to, and no hope.
I’m still not sure how I got past that. Those months are a little blurry in my mind, and I think it’s better that they’ve been forgotten. But this is not an essay for my own pity. After those experiences, I found myself growing stronger. I was still afraid, but this time, I could step in the right direction, I could do the right thing.
Instead, I turned my loathing and hatred into something positive. Now, I do my best to detect signs of depression and suicide in other people. My goal is to help as many people as I can, so no one has to go through that fear and shame. Even if I could save one, it would be worth it. Maybe I could listen to a girl who has been through a horrifying ordeal, smile at a man near a bridge, or hold the hand of a person who just lost their world. Anything, anything, anything to help the world. So I asked the question. How could I save a life?
A huge percentage of the world has become depressed in recent years. Around 4 percent of adults are depressed all around the world. This means there are likely dozens of people around you who suffer silently. It affects their lives in every way, ruining relationships, hurting careers, and hurting themselves. Approximately 700,000 people commit suicide per year. That number is horrifying, and each death creates a ripple effect, hurting those around them. Those numbers are people, each with a story and a life. It’s never worth it, but some people do not understand it, or rather, they think the pro (considering it a pro for them) outweighs the potential damage to others. There are countless causes that have led to this rise, however, this is not about the cause. It’s about the solution. Although this is an essay, I want to give it real experience and feelings in the hopes that I might save someone, anyone.
After I had told my family about my suicidal intent, and after I had recovered for a few minutes, my father came to talk to me. I didn’t listen to a lot of it, I was crying and shaking and I couldn’t think straight. But one phrase he uttered has stayed with me and haunts me to this very day.
“Suicide is the cowards way out.”
I have never been close to this extent of appreciation and loathing for a singular phrase. I believe this can be one of the most advantageous and beneficial sentences for a depressed person, and I also believe this can be the most crippling and detrimental phrase for another. I’ll take this time to split the idea of depression and suicide into two parts, two separate ideals. The first is the man or woman who feels the pain, may even commit suicide, but dreads it because they are aware of the damage they will cause. This specific type of person will often suffer from manic mood swings, the highs and the lows. The words “Cowards way out” might bolster their courage, give them the need to prove themselves wrong. The other has lost all hope, and the fear no longer deters them from their goal. They might not understand the harm they can cause, but if they do, then they do not care. Those words would only hurt them more, proving in their mind that they really are worthless, that they are a coward. So as much as those words helped me, I despised them because I could see both sides. I was lucky to be the prior of those cases, and I was able to pull myself past my feelings and thoughts. But many people are not so lucky. Does that make them a coward? They are weak, and they are broken, but they are not cowards in any way. People dealing with suicide have gone through so much in their life, whether it was caused by trauma as a child or simply crept up on them from harsh treatment, addictions, or loss of loved ones. It is a terrible condition, not necessarily at any fault of their own. So they are not cowards, and they should not be ashamed of their condition. Instead, they should understand that progress is what means the most, and they need to be proud of how far they’ve come. There are many ways to approach someone who needs mental help, and it is always specific to that person. You need to evaluate the situation, approach with caution, and then strategically defuse and subdue their emotions.
To accurately evaluate the situation, you must understand the signs. Whether it be cuts, sudden lack of interest in activities, changes in schedule, refusing to eat food, there are dozens of signs, all of them specific to that person. I recommend using what you already know about them and reflecting it to what is happening now: Did your friend once enjoy a sport, and now finds it overly tedious? How do they use their free time? Do they talk to you in a different voice, or speak of wanting to die? What is their plan for their future? There will always be at least a few signs that are visible, no matter how hard it is to see them.
As a side note, if you do see scars, do not immediately ask about them or point them out. Self harm is a massive deal and a source of shame for some and it is to be approached with the most care possible. The recognition of scars will come in the second and third steps. It is not about the scars, it is about them as a human and as a soul. They see it as a way out, a way to release themselves. They may feel like they deserve it, even though they don’t. Understand that, and most importantly, understand them.
In most cases, coming right out and asking them or confronting them is the wrong answer. They will shut down. They want to be heard, not talked to. Instead, tell them how much you care, and tell them how much you've noticed their life deteriorating. "I've noticed you're not eating. Is everything okay?" And at many times, they will simply shrug it off and tell you that it is- their natural response is to hide it. and that is when you need to tell them that you know something is wrong. make sure they feel safe with you and trust you to the fullest extent. Bring them a drink, or some candy, and simply be a friend to them. Let them talk, don't make them talk. If they're with you, they're holding on, and that is what matters.
There are a few ways an emotional breakdown might happen. It might start seeping out like a teardrop through a closed eye, in which case you need to listen to them, and talk scarcely. Let them be the most important thing just for once. listen, and ask very careful questions. Make sure they are tailored as a question meant to understand them better, not to confuse or annoy them. The second way their emotions will surface is like a tidal wave- the world crashes down all at once and they can't handle it. This is when it is imperative that you do not talk until they're done. Offer them a hug, offer to hold them as long as they need. But do not talk. let them cry. make sure your presence is grounding, but not intruding or distracting. Having someone listen and understand means the world to someone in need. Try to understand what they need from you.
If they do have scars, leave them be. Unless they bring it up, focus instead on their
In all of this, understand that they need full support. If you feel unable to help, ask someone else to step in or watch over them. However, it is imperative that you understand what you are dealing with: A human life. Nothing has a greater meaning than life, and so it may be necessary to set aside your problems or shortcomings and focus solely on the one in need. Be aware of yourself.
No matter what, you can do what is required to save a life. Whether or not you have the ability or the strength, you will be able to help someone. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, and as long as you can recognize the signs, you will be able to prevent someone from making a mistake that will change lives. I believe in you, and I hope that others believe in you as well. You never know who needs it the most. Be the person that someone can lean on, someone can talk to. Remember that it is never too late.
Dedicated To:
David Bednarik
Lynea Bednarik
Lilly Pollard
Sienna Sargent
Hanah Wilson
Kyle Blazzard
Caleb White
And most importantly,
Anyone who is suffering.
Help is available.
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