Stuck in a Shadow

My eyes started to open as I woke up from my sleep. Still drowsy, I sat on my bed, my eyes still slowly closing and opening again and again, as my head started to get ready for the day. I made my bed and went into the bathroom that I share with my older brother, Colin, the star of the family, who was two years older than me. For the past 14 years I lived in the shadow of Colin, but not anymore, as I start my first day of high school today. After school was the football tryout, where I would be able to make my statement. As I brushed my teeth, daydreaming about how I would show off my skills at tryouts, my brother came in. I spit out the toothpaste I had in my mouth and tried to greet him, but he just walked past me and started brushing his teeth. I ignored his actions, determined to have a good first day. 

I got dressed for school in a red Ohio State football shirt and grey sweatpants. I grabbed my bag and went down stairs. There was a plate with the name Colin on the dinner table, with scrambled eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns, and a note at the side of it saying “love you - Mom”, there was nothing with the name, Sebastian, no note, no breakfast, so I opened the fridge and grabbed a cup of yogurt. I was used to this type of treatment, as my brother was the golden child, deserving of every bit of love that our parents had. After I finished eating, I threw out the cup and walked to the atrium. There I put on my sneakers and headed to school. 

As I stepped into the hallway, many familiar faces blurred past, but more people I didn’t recognize walked in the mob that filled the hallway. I looked to my left at the sheet of paper, which contained my schedule. 

First period - As English 1 - Room G7 - Mr.Wong

I turned my gaze to my right hand, which I held the map of the school in. After finding it, I hastily walked, looking down the whole time. I opened the large door towering over me, and I found myself looking at a classroom, which held exactly 5 groups of 6 tables. A few kids were already seated, but it seemed like they were already forming groups, so I avoided them and headed to the empty group of tables. Directly across from the entrance was a bookshelf, which contained multiple copies of books like “The Odyssey” and “Romeo and Juliet”. Finally, I looked over to the board, which said:

“Free seating today. Phones in pockets. Get ready for Icebreakers!”

When I read what was on the board, I knew I was in for a long day. 

“BZZZZZZZZ!” The second bell rang, which signaled the beginning of class. I found myself sitting at a table with two boys and two girls. One of the girls he already knew, as they attended the same middle school, was one of those girls who was really into drama, and she had one of, if not the most, annoying and loud personalities. 

“Here we go, set hike,” I grabbed the football from the hands of the center.

“Three points down with four seconds left on the clock on the thirty yard mark on their side,” the announcer says, “It's Sebastian Smith in the pocket, he goes for the touchdown pass and Bang! It’s Smith with the 70 yard pass to win the state championship. All my teammates rushed the field and started throwing me up and down, and up and down. 

“Sebastian Smith,” Mr.Wong said, and I popped out of my fantasy; I had zoned out to the annoying girl's squeaky voice and started to fantasize. 

“Here”, I said, raising my hand ever so slightly. Everyone quickly looked at me and started to whisper things along the lines of “I didn’t know Colin Smith had a little brother”. 

“Your Colin’s brother huh, he was the perfect student and an amazing athlete; I will expect good things from you,” said Mr.Wong. 

The rest of the periods were around the same, teachers taking roll and recognizing me as “Colin’s little brother”, then asking for a signed ball,  jersey, or cleats. I despised people like this, who only saw me as a stepping stone to my brother. 

As the final bell rang loudly, I exited my 6th period classroom and headed to the football field. I felt strange; a mix of fear and excitement. The pressure of tryouts loomed over me, but I was determined to conquer it.

I arrived at the field and I saw many different faces, the giant o-line and d-line members, the skinny receivers and corners, and the built linebackers. The field was a land of opportunity for me. One face erupted from the crowd, which was my brother’s. He had this serious face that he always had on. I sat down with the crowd of freshmen and proceeded to put on my cleats. 

“Get up, Greenies,” the coach yelled to get a hold of our attention, and he did. The Coach was 6’5, with dark skin and a nice buzz. There were about 60 freshmen, and they all stood up to the signal of the Coach. “My name is Coach Taylor, and I am the varsity head coach. You all will have the opportunity to try out alongside the varsity players, so what caliber of player you are.” A large murmur erupted between all the freshmen; the kids on the right of me sounded nervous and confused about why they would have to try out with the varsity players. In contrast, on my left, two enormous giants, who I did not believe were freshmen, seemed like they were up to the challenge. I myself was excited because I would have the opportunity to crush my brother. 

Tryouts were a test to gauge one’s athleticism, endurance, mentality, and skill. First, we had to measure forty meter dashes. The top score was, of course, my brother at 4.33 seconds, but among freshmen, I dominated, a tenth of a second faster than anyone else at 4.45 seconds and 12th best out of all players. Next was a measure of our max vertical jump. I jumped 37 inches, which was 3rd best among freshmen and 20th out of everyone. My brother Colin got 1st. Tryouts were mostly along the lines of me getting one of the best among freshmen and at least top 20 among all players, and my brother getting first basically every time. At the end of practice, all players took a knee in a huddle. I zoned out during Coach Taylor’s never-ending speech until he said 

“Now is the annual Quarterback competition at Tryouts. All Qbs stand up.” I rose. “Our varsity quarterback is going to pick one of you guys to stand up to play him in a quarterback Challenge.” I looked straight towards my brother, and he was already staring at me pointing. 

“Him,” Colin said. The game was simple; we both got the starting varsity offense and had to score on the starting varsity defense in one drive. We went until one of us scored, and the other couldn't score on the next drive. I was first, and I knew if I did not score this drive, my brother would be next. My brother walked up to me and whispered into my ear, “You better score”. I got into position behind the center, my mind was filled with thoughts, should I go short? No long, no, yes, you have to prove that you're better than him. You'd better score. 

“Set…..Hike,” I yelled. One receiver went on a go route, another a comeback. I still hadn’t made up my mind where I would pass it. Go short, go short, one part of my head said, no go long. I looked to my right. I saw a linebacker around six feet three inches tall, pushing his way through the o-line, who was meant to protect me. I ran out of the shield my offensive line made, looking for an open window. I loaded my arm ready to throw, but from my right, I felt something tackle me to the ground. I still threw, but the ball spiraled right into the hands of the safety who intercepted my ball to score a touchdown on the other side of the field.
I stumbled over to the bench and I fell onto it, still feeling the impact of the tackle and the heat of the sun radiating on me. I glanced over to my left and saw all the other freshmen trying not to laugh. My cheeks were red with embarrassment. I watched as my brother ran the same exact play with the same exact players. My brother had perfect footwork and a deadly calmness. He threw a perfect spiral deep to his receiver on the go route and perfectly dropped it into his hands. 

After tryouts ended, I walked out of the locker room, head down, back slumped. I saw everyone surrounding the bulletin board outside of Coach Taylor’s office. I made my way through the crowd and saw my name wasn’t on the freshmen team list, so I looked at the JV list, and still nowhere to be found. Then I checked the varsity list, and there it was, my name, 

3rd string quarterback - Yoonwon Bae

I did it. I made varsity, now they have to acknowledge me as equal to him, now I deserve their love, I thought. 

I made my way back to my house, excited to see the reaction of my family. I opened the door and stepped inside. I went into the kitchen and sat down at the dinner table, all plates empty, but mine. Mom was washing dishes in the kitchen; her eyes stared right into my face, but her eyes were empty, like she was looking right through me. I looked at my plate and saw a dish that looked like a mixture of everyone’s leftovers. I finished my food and took my plate to the sink. All the plates were placed perfectly in the dishwasher. Mom washed all the dishes but left before I could put mine into the sink. I washed my plates and put them on the other side of all the organized plates. 

 I walked to the living room, where I saw my dad and brother. My dad was one of those dads who had so many expectations and put so much pressure on their children to succeed, but not for me. To him, I was just an inanimate object, something that held no use for him. My dad and brother sat on the couch, talking about how the Rams would destroy the Niners. I plopped myself on the couch on the other side of the couch. They stared at me like I wasn’t supposed to be there, like my presence itself disgusted them. 

“Dad, I made varsity,” I said, trying my best not to explode with enthusiasm.  This was the turning point, everything would change from - 

“So,” he said if my words just passed through him.

Disappointment seeped into my head, even after making varsity, as a freshman by the way, I wasn’t enough, I would never be enough.