Fathering Matters - 5 Mar 2010

Fathering Matters

5 March 2010

Fathers As Coach – A useful paradigm for parenting Teens (5)

Last week we laid the foundation of focusing on solutions and not problems when coaching our teens. Today, we will look at three basic principles of the solution coaching process.

The first is “if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it! Even though this is common sense, many fathers make the mistake of trying to change things for their teens even when there is no problem. If your teens are managing their responsibilities well, don’t insist on change just because they are not doing it the way you want. Allow your teenagers to find their own balance. Likewise when your teens ask for changes when nothing is wrong, remind them gently that the desired change might not be necessary.

The second principle is to “identify what works and do more of it.” As coach, one of the most important tasks is to find out what works for your teens and commend them for doing it well. Not only should they be affirmed, they also need to be encouraged to do more of what works. Motivating them is integral to the great coaching process!

The third principle is to “identify what doesn’t work and do something different.” As creatures of habit, we often try to solve problems in a particular way regardless it is appropriate or not. Dr Paul Faulkner, a marriage and family therapist wrote in his book, “If you keep on doing what you always did, you will keep on getting what you always got.” As coach, it is helpful to point to your teens when their approach does not work and encourage them to explore different alternatives to the problem. The solution very often is found beyond the problem!

Edwin Choy

Co-founder & Director, Centre for Fathering

Certified Solution Focus Therapist

This article was first broadcast on 'Parenting Today' on 938Live, a station of MediaCorp Radio".

Edwin would like to hear your personal experiences in coaching your teens to help him improve his training workshop for fathers on coaching. Please email him at edwin@father.com.sg

Reflection pointers for fathers ...

1. As fathers we try to fix 'things' the way we did for our own problems; “if it works for me it should work for you.” That may or may not be true.

2. As every coach in an athletic team knows how each player performs they are trained according to their strengths; likewise your role as a father and coach should go according to the way your child works.

Action pointers for fathers ..

1. Go for a picnic with your family. As a family, prepare the sandwiches, beverage, pick out games to bring along and decide on the venue. ( eg. the beach, Botanical Garden, Zoo)

2. Rent a DVD that is suitable for the family, get the soft drinks and order pizza. Make it a Movie Night for your family.

What's happening at CFF ...

1. Father-Child Bonding Camp - June 4 - 5, 2010

Our June Camp is open for registration now. Encounter the bonding experience of a lifetime to build a strong connection and relationship with your child. http://www.fatheringmatters.com/dpl/node/25

2. Cycling

A father-child bonding time of cycling and learning techniques of bike handling in the beginners workshop. This will be an adventure set at Pulau Ubin in partnership with YMCA. Mark it in your calendar now. (Participants should be confident cyclists ready to take on rough terrains)

Date: 14 March 2010

Time: 8.30 am - 3.00 pm

Fee: $80 per father child pair (child between 10 -13 years old)