Fathering Matters - 19 Mar 2010

Fathering Matters

19 March 2010

Fathers As Coach “A useful paradigm for parenting Teens” (7)

Our next discussion will be on how fathers as coach can avoid problem talk and initiate solution talk with their teens. To begin let's understand the ways we usually lapse into problem talk.

Some words tend to be problematic in our conversation with teens. ‘You always’ is a phrase that will get us into a hot spot with our teens or anyone for that matter. When someone claims you always commit a particular error, it puts you on the defensive. The reason is that while we sometimes commit the error, we do not do it all the time. Sometimes we do get it right! Focusing on the error and generalizing it is problem talk.

‘It’s your fault’ is another problem talk. We all know that problems usually have different contributing factors. To completely lay it on one person is fault finding and results in anger building. It also shifts the responsibility to the person. Accusatory words like ‘you are the cause of our troubles’ have similar effect.

Another problematic way which we deal with our teens is the use of punishing silence. I’m tired of talking to you. It’s not getting into your head. Such an approach will create an impasse in your relationship with your teens, blocking the path to solutions.

As you recall, one principle for solution -focused coaching is to do something different if what we do is not working! Fathers coaching their teens need to stop using problem talks that lead to nowhere but create more anger and anxieties in our teens. Next week, we will discuss how to initiate solution talks with our teens.

Edwin Choy

Co-founder & Director, Centre for Fathering

Certified Solution Focus Therapist

This article was first broadcast on 'Parenting Today' on 938Live, a station of MediaCorp Radio".

Edwin would like to hear your personal experiences in coaching your teens to help him improve his training workshop for fathers on coaching. Please email him at edwin@father.com.sg

Reflection pointers for fathers ...

1. A father’s word has tremendous impact on a child’s life. What we say will translate into how the child feels about the way you perceive him.

2. What is one thing you wish your child will do differently; recall how you engage her with regards to this issue. Was it problem-focused or solution focused ?

Action pointers for fathers ...

Take your children swimming this weekend. The element of water is always fun and they will look to daddy for the security that you will save them if they go underwater.

What's happening at CFF ...

1. Father-Child Bonding Camp - June 4 - 5, 2010

Our June Camp is open for registration now. Encounter the bonding experience of a lifetime to build a strong connection and relationship with your child. http://www.fatheringmatters.com/dpl/node/25

2. Vacancy for a full time 'Counselling & Family Life Educator'

Our Centre is looking to fill this position. Please refer to NCSS (National Council of Social Services) website http://www.ncss.org.sg/social_service_jobs/job_list.asp?jc=18&vi=V00060#srch under "vacancies in vwos" for the full details.

3. Centre for Fathering is celebrating our 10th Anniversary this year. We are grateful for your support in our movement and we are looking to expand our reach to meet more people that believe in getting fathers more involved in their children’s life.

CFF has evolved over the years and have found the obvious truth that the majority of fathers are at their workplaces. We are calling our readers to highlight our services, target our website to their contacts or forward this e-mail to them. We will be more than willing to make a trip to your company to present our services if needed.

If you find this e-mail helpful, please forward it to others who are interested. To subscribe or unsubscribe Fathering Matters, please send us an email at fatheringmatters@fathers.com.sg or check out our website at www.fathers.com.sg. Thank you.