Fathering Matters
30 April 2010
Fathers As Coach – A useful paradigm for parenting Teens (13)
Much as we would like to see our teens in high spirits all the time, they will inevitably hit the wall sometime in their lives. Part of being a good coach to our teens involves helping them cope with setbacks in their lives.
Again, as coach we do not take over their challenges and setbacks in life. Rather we use these moments to gain credibility as coach by not judging their weaknesses but instead affirm their best efforts in their struggles. We begin by helping them to normalize their feelings and struggles and then encourage them to be hopeful in their situation.
The following might be helpful in coaching our teens who are distressed by the setbacks they encounter:
a. Sympathy: “That must have been hard for you.”
b. Normalisation: “It could have happened to anyone.”
c. Affirmation: “The way you responded was probably the best way in that situation.”
d. Prediction: “Who knows? Maybe something good can come out of this!”
Usually by the time the above short conversation is completed, your teen is already feeling better. This is when using the confidence scale can be very helpful. You can ask your teen:
1. “On a scale of 1 – 10, if 10 is exactly where you want your life to be or your perfect future, where were you when you first encountered the setback?
2. Where are you now?
There will usually be some improvements. This is when as coach, we need to highlight the progress he (not you) is making by asking “Wow, how did this happen? What did you do?” By this time your teen would have regained some confidence and then you can ask this next question:
3. What would need to happen for you to say you have moved half a step further along?
As your teen becomes clearer of the next small steps he needs to take, he will be on his way to regaining the confidence he had lost as a result of the setbacks. It is important your teen comes up with the ideas for the next few steps and that he recognizes his efforts in the progress made. You assist him by highlighting his efforts when he succeeds in the next few small steps.
May you succeed in coaching your teens to overcome setbacks in life!
Edwin Choy
Co-founder & Director, Centre for Fathering
Certified Solution Focus Therapist
This article was first broadcast on 'Parenting Today' on 938Live, a station of MediaCorp Radio".
Edwin would like to hear your personal experiences in coaching your teens to help him improve his training workshop for fathers on coaching. Please email him at edwin@fathers.com.sg
Reflection pointers for fathers ...
1. While a desired outcome helps us process the steps needed to get there, helping your teen see a desired future will help them formulate actions to attain their goal.
2. Think of a time you met a major setback, how can you share it positively with your teen the next time he/she meets one.
Action pointers for fathers ...
Take your family for a budget holiday over the weekend. A trip to Bintan Island, Malacca, Batam etc. does not cost very much. In the setting of an overseas trip, the surrounding people are strangers. This makes you the only familiar contact person; that opens a wide window for communication and sharing over a period of two days.
What's happening at CFF ...
1. Father-Child Bonding Camp - June 4 - 5, 2010
Our June Camp is open for registration now. Encounter the bonding experience of a lifetime to build a strong connection and relationship with your child. http://www.fatheringmatters.com/dpl/node/25
2. Eat With Your Family Day 2010
This year EWYFD will be launched on 27th May 2010. We have prepared a line up of programs and highlights to make this an enriching experience for everyone who participates. Make it a point to eat with your loved ones on that day and let that be an impetus to spur you to make family meals an important appointment on a regular basis.
Visit our webpage regularly for updates http://www.fatheringmatters.com/sg/ewyfd2010
3. Arts Exhibition
There will be an arts exhibition that features works that are inspired by eating with families. We strongly encourage your support for this exhibition as it depicts family meals from an alternative point of view.
Date: 17 to 31 May 2010
Venue: THE ARTS HOUSE, Print Gallery 1 OLD PARLIAMENT LANE
4. Dads for Life Conference
Hear renowned international and local speakers share on their journeys of fatherhood and experiences of transformational relationships with their children.
Date & Time:14 May 2010; 2.30 to 6.30pm
Venue: Orchard Hotel
Ticket booking through SISTIC
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