Fathering Matters
26 Feb 2010
Fathers As Coach (4) – A useful paradigm for parenting teens
Now that we have addressed the foundations of coaching, we can now talk about the coaching process. One helpful approach to coaching our teens is to focus on solutions and not problems. This is a paradigm shift. Too often when we encounter difficulties with our teens or when they consult us on problems they are facing, we look only at the problems. The trouble with looking only at the problems is that we may be boxing the solutions too narrowly.
When helping our teens to solve their problems, it might be more helpful to explore what their preferred futures are. This way, we can focus on solutions that blend with their preferred futures.
In this new paradigm, when our teens present problems, as coach we help them reach solutions that will set them towards their preferred futures. The clearer we are of what our teens want, the easier it will be to help them solve their problems.
It starts with seeing your teens as valued people who have wonderful resources to deal with challenges. Our role as coach is not to take over their problems and solve them our way as this will hinder the process of growth and learning for them. When we, as fathers, “over function”, our teens will “under function”.
So see your teens beyond their problems. Explore what their preferred futures are when helping them solve their problems. Look for resources in them rather than deficits. Explore what they are already doing that is contributing to their preferred futures. As you or your teens see even a little light in your dark tunnel, it opens up more possibilities to reaching the preferred future.
I will deliberate more on this new paradigm later on, but till then – remember your teens are more important than their problems. If you can help them explore what they want, you are on your way to coaching to seek their own solutions.
Edwin Choy
Co-founder & Director, Centre for Fathering
Certified Solution Focus Therapist
This article was first broadcast on 'Parenting Today' on 938Live, a station of MediaCorp Radio.
Edwin would like to hear your personal experiences in coaching your teens to help him improve his training workshop for fathers on coaching. Please email him at edwin@fathers.com.sg
Reflection pointers for fathers ...
Your teen may have insights and ideas that you did not know exist with regards to their present situation, be it studies, school, friends and family; and also with regards to their future. Do you know about her ideas and opinions and how she feels about her choices? When was the last time you have a conversation with your teens alone to find out about it?
Action pointers for fathers ..
Look at the calendar of the year. Plan your leave early to coincide with your children’s birthdays and school holidays. The earlier you apply for your leave the higher chance it will be approved.
Next week's Article:
Fathers as coach (5).
What's happening at CFF ...
1. Father-Child Bonding Camp
Our June Camp is open for registration now. Encounter the bonding experience of a lifetime to build a strong connection and relationship with your child. http://www.fatheringmatters.com/dpl/node/25
2. Cycling
A father-child bonding time of cycling and learning techniques of bike handling in a beginners workshop. This will be an adventure set on Pulau Ubin in partnership with YMCA. Mark it in your calendar now. (Participants should be confident cyclists ready to take on rough terrains)
Date: 14 March 2010 (Sunday)
Fee: $80 per father / child pair
Register at 6586 2255 or lifestyle@ymca.org.sg
(includes bike, helmet, instructions/training from an expert Mountain biker, and refreshment)
3. Centre for Fathering is celebrating our 10th Anniversary this year. We are grateful for your support in our movement and we are looking to expand our reach to meet more people that believe in getting fathers more involved in their children’s life.
CFF has evolved over the years and have found the obvious truth that the majority of fathers are at their workplaces. We are calling our readers to highlight our services, target our website to their contacts or forward this e-mail to them. We will be more than willing to make a trip to your company to present our services if needed.
If you find this e-mail helpful, please forward it to others who are interested. To subscribe or unsubscribe Fathering Matters, please send us an email at fatheringmatters@fathers.com.sg or check out our website at www.fathers.com.sg. Thank you.