Fathering Matters
26 March 2010
Fathers As Coach “A useful paradigm for parenting Teens” (8)
Today we shall focus on how we can use “solution talk” with our teens in a conflict. It is very common for teens to collide in their values with that of their parents. Last week we learnt that using problem talk in the form of blame and shame is not helpful. The good news is that parents can learn how to talk to our teens in a way they would listen.
The first step involves converting the problem into goals. Instead of focusing on the problems, it is better to be clear about what you want to see happen. With a clear goal in mind, we can engage our teens in the following ways:
a. Describe the problem calmly and give your teens the benefit of a doubt. For example you might say after describing the problem situation “you probably do this because”
b. Describe what you want to see happened instead. This is the goal you wished instead of the problems. The clearer you are about this goal to your teens, the easier it will be to achieve them. We cannot assume our teens know what we want.
c. Explain the benefits of achieving this goal. Our teens usually are not good at co-operating when they cannot see any benefits to what we asked them to do.
d. Express confidence in your teens to accomplish this goal. When our teens feel affirmed by us even in a conflict, they are more motivated to make changes toward a new goal. One way to express confidence in them is to draw on your teens' past successes in dealing with similar situations.
e. When it is finally achieved, don’t forget to celebrate! Every small step taken by our teens in a positive direction needs to be appreciated and affirmed.
The above are just one possible approach to engage your teens in a solution focused coaching rather than problem talk. There are no guarantees in any approaches. However, when parents are able to focus on solutions rather than problems and at the same time draw on their strengths rather than highlighting their weaknesses, you have far greater chance of success in coaching your teens!
Next week we will discuss what we as coaches can do when our teens approach us to help them with their problem situation.
Edwin Choy
Co-founder & Director, Centre for Fathering
Certified Solution Focus Therapist
This article was first broadcast on 'Parenting Today' on 938Live, a station of MediaCorp Radio".
Edwin would like to hear your personal experiences in coaching your teens to help him improve his training workshop for fathers on coaching. Please email him at edwin@father.com.sg
Reflection pointers for fathers ...
1. Remember a time when you wanted to achieve a goal. What helped you achieve the desired outcome? How can you apply that experience to your child?
2. What is the predominant strength or positive trait in your child? How can you leverage on that to coach your child into solutions.
Action pointers for fathers ...
Ask your children tonight what they would like to eat tomorrow. Download a recipe and try to cook it for them. Make a backup plan to order something they will definitely like to eat in case your attempted cooking session is not good.
What's happening at CFF ...
1. Father-Child Bonding Camp - June 4 - 5, 2010
Our June Camp is open for registration now. Encounter the bonding experience of a lifetime to build a strong connection and relationship with your child. http://www.fatheringmatters.com/dpl/node/25
2. Vacancy for a full time 'Counselling & Family Life Educator'
Our Centre is looking to fill this position. Please refer to NCSS (National Council of Social Services) website http://www.ncss.org.sg/social_service_jobs/job_list.asp?jc=18&vi=V00060#srch under "vacancies in vwos" for the full details.
3. BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) is producing a documentary on teenagers, parenting and discipline. Two British teenagers (usually aged 16) are sent to live with one family in Singapore, to experience life in another country. BBC is now looking for conservative, educated, successful, disciplined and loving host families in Singapore. The family would need to be willing to accommodate both the British teenagers for one week and instill in them the values and morality they demand of their own children. Both of the parents need to speak English.
Interested families may contact:
Helen Crampton
Casting Producer
Twenty Twenty Television
4. Centre for Fathering is celebrating our 10th Anniversary this year. We are grateful for your support in our movement and we are looking to expand our reach to meet more people that believe in getting fathers more involved in their children’s life.
CFF has evolved over the years and have found the obvious truth that the majority of fathers are at their workplaces. We are calling our readers to highlight our services, target our website to their contacts or forward this e-mail to them. We will be more than willing to make a trip to your company to present our services if needed.
If you find this e-mail helpful, please forward it to others who are interested. To subscribe or unsubscribe Fathering Matters, please send us an email at fatheringmatters@fathers.com.sg or check out our website at www.fathers.com.sg. Thank you.