Fathering Matters - 17 Sept 2010

Fathering Matters

17 September 2010

How to Reproduce an 'A' in a Child

"Oh, you have gotten an 'A'! I'm so proud of you!" As parents, we often think such statements will motivate our children to work harder towards his next 'A'. While this may indeed produce short term results, the concern is that an underlying message that distorts their sense of self worth gets sent across as well. When we say we are proud of them because of the results they achieved, we are basically telling them that their sense of value to us, their parents, is measured by their performance. "Daddy is proud of me when I get an 'A', so that means he wouldn't be proud of me if I don't get it."

Performance anxiety is one of the biggest sabotages of a child's ability today. Gifted children especially, have a history of scoring above average results. Often, parents, grandparents and loved ones will use this 'possibly temporary' fact to affirm these kids how marvelous they are. Unfortunately, when one thrives by the validation of results, one falls by it as well. The moment these children experience a setback in life, they may equate that to their self worth and not be able to handle that failure very well. This may result in 2 effects: The next time a challenge comes along, the kid may either develop so much performance anxiety and stress that it cause him to fumble, or he may procrastinate, withdraw or escape totally so as to eliminate the risk of failure (and the stress that comes along with it).

How then shall we speak to our children? The key is to praise them for their effort, rather than results. It involves a little change in our language. Instead of saying, "I am proud of you for doing well", try saying, "I saw your efforts, and I believe you can be very proud of yourself that you worked hard for this." By saying that, we are putting emphasis on the child's diligence, instead of his performance. After all, diligence is the key to achieving one's best possible results, consistently.

Written by Leo Hee Khian, Counselor & Coach,

for the Centre for Fathering

Reflection Pointers…

Did you often receive praises from your father when you were a child? Were you praised for your effort and for the improvement you made even when your results were not so desirable?

Action Pointers…

Surprise your child by picking her up from school and bringing her out for her favorite meal on a one on one basis.

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