Prayers of Jerish

The Preaching of St. Andersen

1  My friends, do not wrong the Nomad or cyberbully him, for he is the greatest of all travelers. 2 Thine Nomad followers respect him because on that fateful night, he saved us from thy rabid dog. 3 And since this act, he has declared war against PETA and shown many of the greatest miracles. 4 And now the Nomad's grandson; me, has been chosen by the Nomad to preach his name across thy countries! 5 The Nomad love extends so far that I have been un-martyred. 6 For the Nomad so loved his little boy that he gave his one and only brain cell, that his little boy shall not perish but have a respawn.

 2  And so St. Andersen respawned in China and prayed to the Nomad, “Thy Nomad who is dog eater, cool are you, thy dog flesh comes, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Nomad Land. Give us this day our daily dog, forgive us of our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespassed against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the cat one.” 2 For thine is the Nomad and the power and the glory; now and forever.” 3 Then after St. Andersen prayed, he walked into a temple, kicked down the Buddha, and explained to the dumbfounded,

“當你可以崇拜一個很酷的吃狗人的時候，為什麼還要崇拜佛呢?” 3 On that day over 1 person believed, and they were baptized in dog juice. 5 Now that St. Andersen had become popular in China, people like Andrew Tate were talking all about him. 6 St. Andersen would preach on top of Buddha’s crushed body while Buddhists were gawking at him. 

7 (Little did he know that the one he killed was not Buddha but his stepbrother ddaBuh)  He preached: “For I know the plans I have for you;” declares the Nomad, “plans to prosper you and plans to eat you, plans to give you dogmeat and a future.”

 7 And he preached more, “Trust in the Nomad with all your three brain cells and handstand not on your own understanding.” 8 And the sermons were very holy, “Don't eat the Nomad’s left toes in February or he will become mad and bite your 1,254th hair off.” 9 He preached and fled from the Chinese population constantly until the Nomad called to him using a megaphone telling him to cross the border into Mongolia.

The Fight With Buddha

3 Then St. Andersen appeared atop a high mount in a Tibetan Plateau. 2 He was then confronted by the real Buddha and was going to fight him. 3 Then, a majestic deity descended upon them and asked, “Yo, how big is it?” 4 St. Andersen replied, “Bigger than yours!” Then the deity defecated all over the Buddha and disappeared. 5 St. Andersen then ate the Buddha and said, “This is good, but not nearly as good as dog meat.” 6 St. Andersen descended down the mountain with a full ego and had a great dog feast.

The Nomad’s visit to the Doctor

4 The Nomad went to the doctor due to the loss of brain cells. 2 He was put on a waiting list for a brain transplant. 3 Then he waited and waited… and waited. 4 After what seemed to be an eon[a], he finally got a brain transplant from a certain rabid dog. He was finally back to normal! 5 (Ignore the violent shaking and muscle spasms.)

[a]One billion years

Attack on Yugoslavia

5 St. Andersen, St. Jake the Lesser[a], and the Nomad were met by St. Micah after the great feast.

2 St. Micah said to them urgently, “There have been multiple attacks by the Cat One in Yugoslavia[b].”

3 He continued, “We request the help of the Nomad due to the attacks.” 4 They agreed to help them for a reward of 10,000 dogs, 7 gold goblets filled with dog juice, 5 7 topaz owls, 7 bloodstone snakes, 7 emerald eyes, 6 and a block of parmesan cheese. 7 So they went to Serbia and killed cateasens[c]. When they arrived in Kosovo, 8 They found a follower of the Cat-One whose name was William. 9 He sang, “Skibidi toilet in the highest!” St. Tucker then sliced his head open with a tomahawk. 10 After they went to Montenegro, Herzegovina, Croatia, Bulgaria, and Bosnia,  they found the cat-one. 11 When he had the realization that he was being attacked; 12 he descended into the ground. Once they took Yugoslavia, they marched around Yugoslavia in a parade-like manner, welding William’s head on a pike. Then they had a great dog feast; the 2nd greatest dog feast in the history of Nomadism.

[a]“St. Jake the Lesser” One of the less-mentioned disciples of the Nomad, he is commonly referred to as 

“Jake, Brother of the Betrayer.” ‘The Betrayer’ refers to St. Christian who betrayed the Nomad. 

(Prayers of Jerish 12) [b]“Yugoslavia” a country in southern Europe. 

[c]“Cateasens” or people who are aligned with the Cat-one.

The Battle Against the Queen of Queers

6 And after the great feast, they set off to Jerusalem, because that’s where a famous Ugoleshinerpu[a] was. 2 Then they were struck by a wave of dehydration, so St. Andersen performed a dog rain ritual (the Nomad enabled creative mode and started flying everywhere before this). 3 After this, red-colored dog juice fell from the heavens (it might’ve been Nomad milk or special sauce) and it poured into 

St. Andersen’s mouth like a waterfall. 4 St. Andersen then baby-birded it to everyone else. 5 After everyone was hydrated they finished walking one second to Jerusalem. 6 They saw the Ugoleshinerpu walking by the corner of a building when a dagger struck him in the back and a distinct voice said, “Slay!” 7 This was a trap set up by the Cat-One with the Romans to try to punish the Nomad for being, 

‘a dog person.’ 8 This was the Cat-One’s 37th highest in command (or claimed so) and 9 the words that came out her mouth were terrifying, so terrifying that if I were to say one other than “Slay '' then you would be dead on the floor. 10 And that’s what would’ve happened if William hadn’t conditioned them with, “Skibidi toilet in the highest!” 11 These cringe words were still hurting their internal organs though. 12 They fought hard against Amelia (The Queen of Queers), but they were no match. 12 They were going to be finished by the words, “Slay girly pop!” when The Nomad appeared. 13 The Nomad appeared with a full netherite beacon behind him, and then everyone got buffed. 14 And in a split second, Amelia was chopped up into 13,192 individual pieces and was turned into a literal “Girly pop” for everyone to enjoy, but the Nomad rejected it because he was on his sigma grind. 15 Sadly, they never met the Ugoleshinerpu whose knowledge was wise, but they started weakening in the Cat-One’s lower ranks.

[a] “Ugoleshinerpu” A wise monk who comes from the Nomad’s royal family and carries the recipe for Cat retardant 30-in-1

The Nomad's Journey

7 The Nomad's journey began on the eighth of March. 2 A few years before the Battle Against the Queen of queers took place. 3 The Nomad took a little journey to the Apple Mountains to go meet a fellow member of the community of the Nomad. 4 The Nomad reached a quarter of the way roughly two days later after setting off on his ‘mission’ (which we just call it his journey). 5 The Nomad came across the ruler of the Apple Mountains, and he went by the name of Goatee. Goatee then said, 6“Why hello there Nomad, didn't know that you would come across these parts of Jomalapia.” 7 The Nomad then replied, “Hello to you too, 8 i'm just having to go to the top to meet up with a fellow member of the Nomadic church.” 9 Goatee helped the Nomad to the top by giving him company. 10 But little did he know, he would run into Sir Gayest Wheeple of Maniupinam.

11 The Nomad regretted his decisions, even though he was near invincible. 12 The Nomad soon came into contact with the person he was originally supposed to meet. 13 The Nomad later woke up in a (almost) dark room with little to no lights, The Nomad said, “Where am I?”. One of the the Nomad's enemies, Sir Burgerson, walked in. Sir Burgerson was behind the kidnapping of the Nomad. Sir Burgerson then said, “Finally, I have trapped you in this cell here. You are now one of my slaves who will print money and other things for me!” 14 The Nomad has been there for nine years, three months, and eight days. The Nomad has figured out an escape plan. He plans on making a prison break on the night of June sixteenth. 15  He gathered as many basement dwellers as he could, and he and the three dozen people successfully escaped slavery. 16 Those three dozen people soon joined the community of the Nomad. 17 The Nomad and his followers soon sat on their way to another place to preach the Nomad to other people. 17 The Nomad later wiped out the land of burgers where Sir Burgerson lived and killed everyone except him and Sir Gayest Wheeple of Maniupinam.

Encounter with Sir Burgerson

8 The Nomad went to India to preach about the Nomad after he destroyed the land of burgers. 2 The Nomad was then met by Sir Burgerson where he was spreading the word of the nomad bible. Sir Burgerson said, “You, You ruined my life! I will find you!” 3 The Nomad didn't think much of it at first, but then Sir Burgerson Brought in many of his troops to try and find The Nomad and take his head. 4 The Nomad also sent many troops to get Burgersons head. Burgerson soon met his fate a month later. 5  The Nomad continued preaching for many years.

The Wicked Sorcerer

9 Now, there was a man named Christian Denton. 2 Christian was an entertainer who practiced sorcery and through this sorcery, the Cat-one was able to mess with his mind. 3 He was often seen with catatonia[a] but people still loved his magic. 4 He would do things like shoot cats out of his hands and pull a cat out of his anus (which if you didn’t know, it’s physically impossible). 5 He was practicing terrible cat magic until The Nomad confronted him on their way out of Jerusalem. 6 He said, “No cat, cat bad!” 7 And with this the Cat-one inside of him fled and he knew nothing more of cat-magic and his catatonia was erased. 7 St. Micah started preaching to him, but he only knew Lebanese, so St. Andersen shoved him aside and started preaching instead. 8 Then St. Addison shoved St. Andersen aside and started talking about Roblox to Christian.  9 After a big argument about who should preach, Christian was baptized and almost drowned because the disciples agreed on letting The Nomad baptize Christian. 10 Christian was now redeemed and became The Nomad’s disciple.

[a] “Catatonia” abnormality of movement and behavior arising from a disturbed mental state (typically schizophrenia). It may involve repetitive or purposeless overactivity, or catalepsy, resistance to passive movement, and negativism.

The Nomad’s Love for St. Christian

10 After Christian was cleansed of Catatonia by The Nomad he saw The Nomad’s greatness and holiness. 2 He was astonished of The Nomad’s power and authority, and pleaded to become a disciple. 3 The Nomad glared at Christian, realizing how cute he was, The Nomad looked away quickly. 4 The Nomad started blushing heavily and when Christian asked if He was sick, The Nomad jumped up and wet his pants. 5 Now Christian was seriously worried that something was wrong with The Nomad, 6 “You alright? Surely you didn’t take the Catatonia upon yourself in order to cleanse me.” 7 The Nomad jumped again before replying, “No, nothing is wrong- Would you become my disciple?~” 8 Christian started jumping with joy before hurtling himself into the nearby river. 9 “Baptize me! Baptize me!” Christian sang. 10 “This guy doesn’t rub off as someone with decent intellect.” The other disciples whispered among each other. 11 “C’mon! What’s the big wait?!” Christian exclaimed to the disciples and The Nomad. 12 “Uhm~ I’m so sorry-” The Nomad ran nervously over to Christian, who was standing in the current of the river. 13 The Nomad picked Christian up, before baptizing him. 14 The Nomad kept Christian’s head under the water, before the disciples saw air bubbles coming up. 15 “Uhhhh, I think you’re drowning him.” St. Tucker pointed out the obvious. 16 The Nomad then pulled Christian up, realizing his mistake. 17 Christian was gasping for breath, before he said, 18 “So that’s how you do it! So that’s an authentic Nomadian baptism!” 19 The Nomad tried to cover his mistake up, “Yeah- That’s how I do it~” 20 Christian ran over to the disciples before striking a sigma pose, saying “You can call me St. Christian now.” 21 St. Christian then was a true disciple of The Nomad.

The Exiling (Almost) of St. Christian

11 Now, St. Christian claimed that he is a disciple of the Nomad, but oh what terribly wicked things he still did. 2 He broke the fourth commandment repeatedly on many occasions, putting Skibidi Toilet over The Nomad. 3 For this act he was constantly thought of as sinful by his fellow disciples. 4  For this, the disciples planned to tattle on him to The Nomad. 5 On that night, they put St. Christian to sleep with a little cyanide (just a little) and went off to the Nether portal, where The Nomad lived. 6 Once, through the portal they found The Nomad torturing a Piglin baby. 7 They immediately told Him what had happened, but The Nomad replied, “Skibidi = bad, but I love Christian in more ways than one.” 8 The disciples, infuriated, ran off.

The Nomad‘s Supper

12 Now The Nomad was bored, so he invited all his disciples to supper. 2 And all of his disciples came because being in the presence of The Nomad was quite an experience. 3 Now many asked why he called them to supper, and to which he replied, “Funny.” 4 But it was time for supper. While they were eating, the Nomad rose, took the dog meat and broke it saying, “Ye dogmeat is thy flesh, take it and savor it.” With the juice he announced, “Ye dog juice is thy blood, take it and drink it.[a]” 5 Everyone was astonished at the words (mostly the fact that The Nomad could speak good English), but St. Jake the Greater was particularly angry about why there was no tea. 6 After this, they took it in the Nomad’s name, but at the wrong time the Nomad asked, “Who is thy traitor?” 7 This caused everyone to spit out their drink in surprise and suspicion among each other rose. 8 The Nomad then spoke after this surprise, “Shush my children, whoever will betray me is stupid because I have full Netherite armor and tools.” 9 St. Christian mumbled during this, “We’ll see about that” 10 Later that night when dinner was dismissed, St. Christian plotted out how The Nomad’s assassination would go in Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense. 11 Then St. Christian set out on his way.

[a] What the Nomad was saying was refers to dogmeat and dog juice which were made holy after the supper and now heals your entire health-bar and gives you 40 days and 40 nights of health regeneration III.

The Betrayal of The Nomad

13 After St. Christian set out on his way, he visited the local tech shop. 2 He asked the man up front for every unit in his Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense loadout. 3 The man just looked at him as if he was trying to rob him with a water gun. 4 St. Christian said with an impatient look on his face, “Do you have Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense stuff?” 5 And to which the cashier replied, “I get paid too little for this crap.” 6 St. Christian stormed off in a fury after this and somehow landed in a Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense shop. 7 This was full of all different sorts of merch and had Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense units enchanted with cat magic so they could attack like in Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense. 8 Now Christian bought his loadout here. 9 He had the Hyper Upgraded Titan Speakerman in the first slot for good damage to kill The Nomad, 10 He had the announcer cameraman to shorten the cooldown on all his units so they could kill The Nomad before he went out of their range, etc. 11 So after he bought all this, he was in debt, like terrible debt. 12 St. Christian started to abuse his favorite disciple power though when he turned the road on which The Nomad’s portal was on, into a Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense map. 13 The Nomad checked the chat logs through and saw St. Chritian’s admin abuse, but he simply dismissed it. 14 Christian also gave himself infinite money so he began placing down his units and upgrading them. 15 But as he finished maxing his units, The Nomad came. 16 The Nomad saw the Skibidi Toilet Tower Defense units and immediately started having PTSD. 17 This struck fear into his heart, but when he tried to stray off the path, he couldn’t; he would just keep moving forward. 18 The Nomad was about to die because he was so scared when the words of Pope Andersen II came into his mind. 19 These words were powerful and kept The Nomad going. 20  As The Nomad came into the range of many of Christian’s units, they tried to kill him. 21 But it was only doing a fraction of his health. 22 St. Christian mumbled to himself after seeing the health bar of The Nomad, “This is impossible, he has way more HP than the Astro Toilet[a]!” 23 The Nomad screamed his way through and at the end, he kissed Christian goodbye and said, 

“I loved you, why did you betray me?”

 24 After The Nomad entered the Nether Portal, St. Christian broke down crying and then the punishment for betraying The Nomad came, he exploded into a million pieces. 25 The Nomad wept.

[a] Astro Toilet, or St. Christian’s stepfather.

The Laws of Being Gay

14 The laws of being gay are abundantly clear; gayness is heavily against the Nomad. 2 For it is written, “Thy who slayeth are thou gayeth.”[a] 3 Therefore, if you are gay, your punishment is death from the Nomad. 4 For The Nomad comes and says, “If thou are gay then I will disown thou like my father. I will strike you in the head, you wicked gays.” 5 The gay will be punished and this is not questioned. 6 And when the time comes, the rainbows will be split into two.

[a] Gayieths 1:4

The Fallen Rizzlers

15 For once there was a church and their people were called thine Rizzlers. 2 They were the most respected of the Nomad’s followers. 3 For they were very religious and obeyed the Nomads' every command. 4 First they were lost but after Sr. Bryson’s sermons, but they realized they had to turn away from their old ways. 5 Once they did, they were blessed with blessings from the Nomad. 6 They received a guardian angel from the heavens.

St. Oakley the Baptist

16 Now there was a dog named Oakley Doakley. 2 Oakley was a prophet of the Nomad from the city of Damascus. 3 Most who knew Oakley thought she had Catatonia as She was a neanderthal dog. 4 She wore a cloak of leopard hair with a belt made from cowhide; She ate wild horse eggs and duck liver. 5 

One day she came out into the city of Warsaw and told people to repent. 6 She baptized people in dog-juice as a way of repentance as she claimed, 7 “I only baptize you with dog-Juice temporarily, but the Nomad baptizes you with Spirit permanently.” 8 St. Andersen knew Oakley and wanted to get baptized. So he asked Oakley about it and she strongly agreed. 9 So they went to the Danube river near Dunpart in Hungary and he was baptized. 10 As he came out of the water he saw the heavens divided and out of them came the Spirit of his mother, Kristan, descending on him as a dog. 11 And with that a strong voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”