Divulgences

Prelude

1 As I was preaching in the city of Alexandria, I was brought before the high priest and his congregation. 2 There, several ministers prosecuted me; they said I was a blasphemer of their religion. 3 There, a judge watched over me from the pews behind the witness stand. He told the high priest the decision given by the congregation. 4 Before the high priest gave the outcome, his mitre flew off his head, turned upside-down, and came down back onto him and split his skull in two; death came to him right then. 5 Then they gave me a drink filled with poison. Before I drank it, it split in two and the poison poured onto the ground. Then they pushed me into a tub of boiling ramen. 6 But, the Nomad found favor in me and I came out unscathed. I was then sent in exile to the island of Psara in Greece.

7 One day; I was slaving away on the island when I was suddenly given a prophecy where I saw the following: 8 I saw a gyatt with 3 cheeks, 3 eyes on each cheek, and a mouth between each eye. 9 The middle cheek opened and spoke to me, "Record the following." it said to me.

The Two Deceivers of The Earth

2 Then in front of me lay the entirety of Nomadland in all its splendor. 2 The Nomad sat atop his throne in front of me and then to his left sat St. Andersen atop his throne. 3 The Nomad arose from his throne and came towards me. 4 He turned me around and I saw an extraordinary sight. 5 The Earth laid before me. 6 The Nomad put his hand atop my shoulder and in an instant, we stood on the surface of the Earth. 7 Before me sat The Beast of Cata, The Anti-Nomad. 8 He held the entirety of the Earth in his hands. 9 He was visibly full of iniquity and disdained The Nomad. 10 Next to him stood the Beast of Edgeibidia, Skibler. 11 Both corrupted figures, anointed by The highest of the evil powers, ruled the Earth. 12 Then the clock handles started spinning, and day and night flashed back and forth in the sky. 13 This all stopped abruptly when the calendar was 3 ½ years ahead of where we last were. 14 The Earth stood in detriment. As far as the eye could see, there was devastation. 15 Then I took notice of the absence of The Beast of Cata and The Beast of Edgeibidia; The Nomad destroyed them and the evil and cast them into the deepest layer of hell. 16 I wrote all this down as commanded and then The Nomad took me back to Nomadland where he gave me the next vision.

The Five Bottles of Baby Oil

3 Before me laid five pillars of ivory. 2 The first angel of The Nomad came forth and took a bottle of baby oil off the first pillar. 3 The angel unscrewed the lid and poured the oil on the Earth. 4 The oil formed around the Earth and swallowed it whole. 5 The baby oil caused solid grounds to become slippery and many fell, some dying. 6 Then the second angel came and poured his bottle of baby oil, which he grabbed off the second pillar over the Earth. 7 The baby oil spilled onto the land with such force that it resembled a tsunami, causing significant disruption to the Earth. 8 Buildings were wiped out and people drowned in the influx of oil that rushed them. 9 The third angel emptied the third bottle, lubricating the entire Ural Mountain Range. 10 I saw a clean split across the base of the Ural Mountains and the baby oil allowed them to slide. 11 They slid along Russia and crushed the landscape and its people.  12 ⅓ of Russia was crushed when Putin launched multiple nuclear bombs into the mountains and turned the Urals into rubble. 13 When the fourth angel poured the fourth bottle, it lubricated the Verkhoyansk range. 14 I saw a split along the base and it slid towards the center of Russia with the help of the baby oil. 15 ¼ of Russia was crushed this time and while it was drifting to Putin, he launched more nuclear bombs. 16 These bombs once again crushed the range and it turned into rubble. 17 Now, The Nomad was furious at Putin so he skipped the fifth bottle and instructed that the fifth angel take up the sixth bottle that sat upon the left shoulder of his throne. 18 The angel ran frantically to The Nomad's throne and being in a rush, grabbed the bottle on the right shoulder. 19 The angel then sped back to the Earth and cracked open the fresh bottle. 20 The angel poured the oil over the Earth in a nervous hurry, and I saw the oil that was poured take the form of a nuclear bomb. 21 I saw The Nomad’s expression widen in regret and fear as he saw the oil come out of the bottle. 22 The oil hit Putin directly and I didn’t know what to expect, but the explosion lit up the Earth. 23 Then I saw the explosion expand immediately and decimate the universe. 24 The Nomad sat hunched as the universe blew up, eyes wide, mouth gaping, his body frozen, and his brain dazed. 25 The fifth angel who saw the explosion and The Nomad fell to the ground, sobbing. 26 All The Nomad’s other angels tried to provide help and comfort to The Nomad, but he still sat frozen, staring into the once-was universe. 27 The day after the explosion, The Nomad remained frozen, and we were all doing our best to help when the shock wave finally caught up to us. 28 I felt the wind rush of the shock wave, and when I looked downwards, I saw that the clouds on which we stood were blown away. 29 We started falling and fear was upon us as we fell and fell. 30 But then, The Nomad finally came back to his senses. 31 He awoke and saw the current state of everything and was alarmed but kept calm. 32 He spoke into the air and clouds pillowed below us all. 33 We were lifted and The Nomad breathed life into the air again, now Nomadland being restored to its former glory. 34 Then he looked down into the void where the universe once was and grabbed a bottle of baby oil from his pocket. 35 He uncorked it and poured it into the void. 36 Nothing appeared to happen for a minute, but then I saw the dust that once was the universe piece itself back together in the opposite of what the explosion did.  37 The universe was soon pieced back together perfectly to what it looked like before the explosion. 38 All the Earth’s inhabitants were alive again and no one knew of the explosion that happened. 39 Then The Nomad grabbed the correct bottle of baby oil and poured it atop Russia, and it killed Putin. 40 I was shown by The Nomad the next events after he killed Putin.

The Six Predators of Skibidi

4 After the baby oil came down unto the earth, I heard a loud moan arise from the gates of hell, and where the moan was an earthquake came and created deep crevices in the ground below. 2 First, out of the crevices came P. Diddy with a large bottle of baby oil that he poured onto people. 3 The Baby oil caused people to goon to Thorzu and back. Second, out of the crevices came Jeffery Epstein wielding a leather bag and a long rod of galvanized square steel. 4 With his square steel he picked people up and put them in his bag and then he took them to his private island. 5 Third and fourth, Docter Disrespect and Ava Chris Tyson came out of the crevices with letters glued to their faces. 6 They only dwelled in the water causing the fish in the water to swarm the predators and the fish that did this would die. 7 Fifth, out of the crevices came Drake with burning children stuck to his face one of these children (Alex Griffen) was on his hand and not his face. Lastly, out of the crevices came EDP with a burning trident in his back and he stole children and ate them. 

William and Sir Burgerson

5 Soon after, I saw a demon from the deep depths of hell that resembled a deformed bowling ball. 2 It had three heads; on one head was the face of the Slay Queen, on the other was the face of a burning cat, and on the last head was the face of St. Christian. 3 Along with it was a man that was made of bronze and it had the mark of Skibidi on his chest. 4 He performed dark magic and said that the first being was the true omega-sigma: this creature is known as Sir Burgerson. 5 But then I saw an angel descend from heaven and stabbed Sir Burgerson

The Everlasting Battle

6 And I saw The Nomad who snaked like a tube of ventilation. 2 He had the aura of a plasma ball and the power of a lion emanating from his eyes which glowed like a black light. 3 He moved across a forest with tree-like plants covered in thousands of eyes. 4 Then, on the other side of the forest, I saw the Anti-Nomad. 5 His body looked as if it was built using a feather. 6 His body was engulfed in a green flame and he had wings of an ostrich. 7 As the two met in the middle of the forest, they brought destruction to each other. 8 They both exchanged blows, and the battle lasted for an eternity. 9 Then I heard a grand bell ring throughout the forest. 10 The many eyes of all the trees darted left as they sang, “For the time has come! Let everyone know! All evil is shunned and ridden by The Nomad all mighty! May the people sing his praises and may he be exalted!” 11 The bells rang loudly and the trees sang grandly; the forest lit up in praise. 12 Then The Nomad reached around the Anti-Nomad and stuck his hand up the stem of the Anti-Nomad’s feather body. 13 The stem began to split into four pieces as The Nomad stuck his hand farther up and the Anti-Nomad let out a feminine scream that shattered the praise. 14 The Nomad pulled his hand out of the stem and grabbed the feather whole. 15 He drove it into the solid ground where the Anti-Nomad was immobile. 16 The Nomad cast the ground downwards until it was 10,000,000 supereons below the Nomadlands. 17 The Nomad then sat atop his throne in Nomadland and looked down on The Anti-Nomad. 18 The Cat-One, The Creator of Skibidi, The Vagabond, and The Skibler then were driven into the ground like stakes next to The Anti-Nomad. 19 Every second from then on in “Infernum in summo” The trees sat guard and spat a mixture of goon and sulfuric atop them. 20 Every minute, wounds on them split wide open and gaping. 21 Then clouds came over them and rained hand sanitizer on their wounds. 22 Punishments more gruesome than I wish to describe then came upon them every hour, day, week, etc. 23 They suffered infinitely, with no end, while The Nomad and his followers were joyed infinitely.

The Everlasting Joy

7 And I was lifted in the palm of The Nomad and taken to Nomadland, where I saw all of the angels and all his followers, past and present. 2 Everyone was overjoyed and tears dripped out of their eyes as they looked around at the splendor of Nomadland. 3 One man was so excited that he even gooned everywhere! 4