Abducted/Seized

Abducted

Seized

By Ruby Diamondstone

I dedicate this book to Dianne Clouet for never giving up on me and to all the people that helped edit my story. You are reason that my story is what it is today.

Maple Leaf Book Writing Project

Brattleboro, Vermont

Copyright 2013

obody has been abducted by aliens. Right? That is what I thought until I heard what happened to my friend, Jill, over her well spent vacation. I’ve known Jill since she was four years old (and had a crush on her since she was four years old) and all her life (even when she was four) she has been this tidy business lady who raps her long, lovely, elegant, smooth, lavender smelling, chestnut hair in a bun the size of a grapefruit. Then she went to Fiji and when she came back her hair was down and she had become a peace-loving farm-girl. There was one thing missing from the story she told me. I “accidentally” checked her passport and she had never been to Fiji.

Okay you might be wondering why I thought she was abducted by aliens? Here’s what I want you to think about: why had she suddenly changed so dramatically and why now? Nobody could possibly change Jill. She is so … structured. The other reason why I believe she was abducted by aliens was because three days after her trip she told me she was abducted by aliens.

Hi my name is Jill and you might not believe it but I was abducted by aliens. Abducted is a strong word, let’s go with seized. You might believe me because when I told my best friend, Parker, he believed me. This is what happened: I woke up early Tuesday morning and I did my morning routine which consisted of me brushing my hair, putting it up in a tight bun, then brushing my teeth, but eating no breakfast because I ran out of wheat bran. It was a normal day except for when I left my house the sun seemed to shine on me and nobody else. Then this super bright blue light sucked me into this huge vortex and stole my work presentation. I, of course, was as calm as a hedgehog when the bald eagle stole its crackers. “Why?” I yelled. Then the blue light disappeared and I fell flat on a stucco floor.

Then this creature that looked like a green slimy unicorn speared my skirt and started to tug me forward. At that point I was in complete shock and was ready to faint. Without my normal thinking through, I didn’t go along with the beast because well, it was a free country, and I didn’t want to. Then he yelled for security. Then I screamed because I had never seen a talking unicorn, or any unicorn. The security guards entered through a hole in the white wall. The security guards were like tiny leprechauns that had worked out a lot! If Parker were here he would know what to do.

I decided it would be better to just follow the unicorn, so I did. He led me out through a hole in the wall, into a wide open meadow, with grass that was so soft it looked like a flowing river and emerald vegetation so impeccable they’re like the ones you see in the gardens outside of fancy estates.

Then he sprinted out the opening and slammed a newly formed door behind him (probably for dramatics). I was standing on what looked like a catwalk. I gazed out onto the horizon. It was so stunning, like the ones you see in the movies: perfectly sound except for the heat waves that rippled like disturbed water. I took one hesitant step off my pedestal and smashed my knee against a board. That ruled out this being a dream because I, most definitely, felt it. The beautiful sight in front of me was just a projection on the back of a play scene.

I watched, hoping it would give me a clue as how to get out of here, but all I saw was hatred. Some things started performing a scene from one of those terrorist movies. A little tooth fairy cried as a muscular, handsome leprechaun screamed at her fairy friend. I didn’t think I needed another anti-bullying seminar so I looked for a way out. It looked like the two side walls were made of concrete but when I searched the walls for a portal like they do in sci-fi movies, it was really just mushy, hardboiled egg-like, substance. So I pushed my way through the muck to see an empire the size of New York City! It really looked like New York City except it was grouped into colonies like the ones you hear about in history class. There were four colonies and each one’s roads were different colors (the colors totally clashed). In the colony closest to me there were green buildings. And in the center there was a big sign that read “Leprechauns Don’t Pay Taxes!” The second colony I saw was covered in pink and looked like it had been bedazzled. I looked down and realized I was standing on a piece of plywood 10 stories off the ground. I was calm though and hailed a flying taxi.

Hello it’s me, Santa Claus. I am the ruler of Potropholuly World. For the last three months I have been studying Jill Warner. You may ask “Why Jill Warner?” That’s because she is our only hope. Potropholuly once was a beautiful place, green skies, red raging rivers, and happy families. Now it’s all different. Each Wish Keeper colony is separated and nobody talks or laughs. This morning she was brought to me by my leprechaun body guards (apparently she had escaped from our get-out-of-telling-Jill-why-she-is-here video) and boy she looked angry. I told her our problem and she said “Leave me alone or I will mess up your face.”

We needed her help because she needed our help. Jill was a work crazy, micro-managing, business woman with no personality and helping us would probably cure that. So I told her “If you help me and my planet we will let you go back to earth.”

And she said: “I will help you when pigs can fly!”

Luckily my pet mutant, flying, purple pig, Lardo was seated by my side and Jill got to see something no human will ever see thanks to human science.

So this Santa guy is sitting here telling me I need to help save the world. These were his exact words, “When kids look under the tree and there are no presents, kids get sad; when they look in the perfect egg hiding place and there is no Easter egg, kids get sad; when they wake up in the morning and their tooth is still there, they get sad. And when the Wish Keepers break out into war, the portal connecting us to the world closes permanently.”

“Did you get that from Oprah?”

“Who is Oprah?”

“I will not help you.”

“I will give you your silly papers back and return you home.”

“So what needs to happen?”

“You need to create peace among our world.”

“Fine,” I said as I walked into a wall where a portal door used to be. Santa showed me to the correct door and I left. I, as a kid, always dreamed of meeting Santa, not like this.

I walked to 58^th and Tooth Street in Toothville and saw that all of the lights had been shut off and everyone was inside. That’s when I realized I had a big problem on my hands. I knocked on a little pink door. A woman in pink peeked out the door.

“Are you with the Leprechauns Don’t Pay Taxes Society?”

“No.”

“Ok come in. Can I get you anything?”

“No, but I was wondering…” I walked into the fairy’s house. The room had pink wall paper and in the corner was a little pink TV with the latest “Flockbuster” playing. It was one of those TVs with the little antenna. All of a sudden I tripped on a jewel that had been bedazzled into the floor.

“Oh wondering always gets us fairies into trouble.”

“How so?”

“Well when the fairies first started going to earth we were always leaving notes under pillows asking for the directions to the rainbow and we kind of got known for asking about the rainbow and liking rainbows. The leprechauns didn’t like that. After that the leprechauns and we fairies haven’t gotten along well. “

“Thank you very much for your time.”

“If I may ask, what as the intention of this visit?”

“I want to go home and the only way for that to happen is for me to get everyone to like each other and keep the portal open.”

“Oh dear, yes, that would be quite grand.”

“Well, thank you again for your time.”

I walked up to a leprechaun and screamed, “DEAL WITH IT!”

“What?”

“DEAL WITH THE FARIES OR THE PORTAL WILL CLOSE, DANGIT!”

“But they stole our only hope of staying in Potropholuly world.”

“WHAT?”

“Can you stop yelling?”

“Yes, sorry”

“So, the only way the leprechauns can stay as Wish Keepers is by staying believed in.”

“Go on.”

“If we don’t stay believed in we will be sent to an unwanted alien world.”

“Like unwanted toy world?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“We don’t want to be not believed in.”

“I will go talk to the fairies.”

“Oooo hoo hoo yay!”

My leg was still sore from tripping on the sparkle. Then I went back to Toothville. “Hi it’s me again, why did the tooth fairies want to know where the rainbow is?”

“Come inside.”

I walked into the big pink room.

“The only way we can guarantee that our kids and grandkids have a stable home in Potropholuly world is by leaving hints that we exist. Also if the kids didn’t believe in leprechauns there would be more room for us.”

“The leprechauns are kind and you treat them terribly.”

“But I want to stay here.”

“And so do they!”

“Fine. I’ll tell everyone to stop leaving notes.”

“Thank you.” The next day a leprechaun and tooth fairy shook hands and they seemed to get along great. The portal was still closing because the elves and the Easter bunnies were not getting along. You may be wondering “How does she know?” And that’s because in the center of Pockefeller Center was one of those big TV screens that showed a live broadcast of the portal.

Then I went to another “colony”. All the buildings were round. I knocked on a door and an angry bunny came to the door.

“You’re not an elf are you?”

“No.”

“OK.”

And the bunny got happy. “I would like to ask why you are not friendly with the elves.”

“Come in. The elves wanted money and lots of it. That is why they applied for jobs at the toy factory. They started treating us like weasel scum after they started making lots of money just to buy machines to hide their children’s Easter eggs.”

“I want to make everyone happy so I will talk to them.”

“Oooo hoo hoo yay.”

Then I went to elf town. “Hello my name is Jill…” and then an elf cut me off.

“I know who you are, everyone does. What do you want?” said the elf in a snappy tone.

“I want to talk to you about how you have been treating the Easter bunnies.”

“What about those hopping mops?”

“They feel that you’re treating them poorly because of your need for money.”

“Look who’s talking?” said the elf in a 16 year old girl voice.

“What?”

“You spend 70 hours a week working TO GET MONEY.”

“Well I work for fun.”

“You couldn’t live without your work to make money for a day.”

“Oh yeah, if I start working at a farm without my presentations and big spinney chairs, will you start working for less money and start treating the “jumping mops” better?”

“Fine I’ll tell my peeps. Get the joke? Peeps, Easter, Bunnies”

“Yeah I get it.” The next day an Easter bunny and an elf shook hands.

I ran to see Santa. He was sitting on his throne waiting for me. I looked him strait in the eyes and said “I am ready to go home.”

When I got home I quit my job, got a job on Old Pepper Farm, and I made an appointment to see a therapist. Over the next year I got married, had kids, and got happy.

So Jill got back from her trip to “Fiji” and she got a new job, moved out into the country, fell in love with a great guy (me), had two beautiful kids and lived happy ever after.