What If?

What If?

By Margot Potter

This story is dedicated to absolutely anybody who has endured any sort of loss that has been even the slightest bit life-changing.

Maple Leaf Writing Project

Brattleboro, Vermont

2017

Dahlia opened her eyes slowly, regretting waking up this early on a weekend, her only mornings in a 7 day week to sleep past 6:30. But when Dahlia woke up, she was awake for good. It had always been like that and, Dahlia thought that it always would be the same way; she couldn’t prevent it.

She shifted her whole body to her side, her tired eyes peeking up at her glow-in-the-dark alarm clock, still hardly glowing with the darkness creeping in through her 3, small windows. 6:42. She slowly sat up, her petite, pale body situating itself against her mountain of pillows, carefully arranged to her satisfaction and comfort.

Her thick, auburn hair was tied up into a sloppy bun, sprigs of it exploding out like confetti. Her big, hazel eyes were placed perfectly among her lightly freckled face. She had on grey pajamas, with white polka dots and fuzzy, purple socks.

She walked towards her beautiful, wooden dresser; big, wide drawers open with colorful clothes, corrupting the cleanliness of her room. She looked in her mirror, took out her hair and, deciding she liked it better up, put it back up in a somewhat neater bun.

She walked out of her room, and into her mom’s bedroom, her mother was eating a granola bar, her laptop set on her lap, answering emails.

“Good morning, sweetie!” said her mom, Gwendolyn. Her long dark brown hair, fell just past her chest. She had on an orange-magenta sweater, buttoned up practically the whole way. You could see the resemblance in her daughter. “Just scheduling an appointment with my doctor....” she stopped, looking at the change in her daughter’s face.

“Mom, you just had an appointment!” said Dahlia, with a confused smile sprawled on her face.

“I know, she just noticed a little something strange in my throat leading to my stomach. He did some tests and he’s just going to tell me what the tests showed.” she said smiling, and shaking her head, reassuring Dahlia that nothing was the matter.

She took another bite of her granola bar, chewing, swallowing and then she stopped, forced down the food and breathed deeply for a few seconds, internally checking to make sure that everything was okay with her airway.

*****

“Honey, I’m heading to my doctor’s appointment!” called her mother from downstairs. “Your Grandma Linda will be here in a couple minutes, I’ll be back in an hour...tops!” Dahlia heard the door creak shut loudly and, a couple minutes later, her mother’s noisy car start and drive away.

She sat at her neatly decorated desk and took out a notebook and started sketching a picture of her father to honor him (her father had gotten into a car accident 3 years ago and had died) and stopped; she had heard their door open and close. She had forgotten that her grandmother would be visiting to watch her while her mother was gone.

“Honey, I brought us some oil paints, come down here and let’s take a nature walk…” her grandmother exclaimed, in the kindest, most perfect voice that Dahlia had ever heard. They spent the next 2 hours having the most satisfying Saturday that Dahlia had had in years.

Hours later, they heard the door open and shut quickly, but not a slam. They heard nothing else except pattering around and a few loud, deep exhales. Then, some footsteps climbing up the stairs. “Honey, are you guys up here?” asked her mom in a choked voice.

“We are in here, knitting!” returned Dahlia. Her mom slowly walked in, her face unexplainably wet with tears.

“I have big news, before you get your hopes up, just know, it’s life changing. The doctor has found 2 tumors. One in my esophagus and one in my stomach.” She was trying to keep herself from sobbing. “The doctor has unfortunately caught the tumors very late and I will have to spend most of my time in the hospital until they can cure it.” she finished, tears rolling down her face.

Dahlia froze, her heart tripled in speed. Her eyes were open wide, though she wasn’t staring at anything in particular at all. Tears were silently trickling and streaming down her face. She opened her mouth, struggling to speak though she was clearly trying. She closed her mouth again and shut her eyes slowly. A huge stream of tears fell from her eyes. “M-may I p-please be alone?” she forced out in between what were now HUGE, LOUD sobs. Grandma Linda and Gwendolyn left her bedroom, sobbing and keeping their arms around each other. At first her mother’s mother-in-law (Grandma Linda) had been trying to hold in her tears but now it seemed as if she was being inundated by tears.

On her bed, Dahlia hugged her knees and nestled her wet, streaked face into the hollow between her knees. Dahlia was frightened of what was to come. “What if the doctors can’t cure my mother? What if when I wake up in the morning she won’t be safe? What if she won’t make it?

“Grandmother!” Dahlia wailed lightly, hours later. “Mommy!” she concluded. Minutes later, Grandma Linda and Gwendolyn appeared at Dahlia’s sides.

“Anything you need from us?” Grandma Linda spoke.

“Well...I have no idea if you guys will be able to do this but...I think I wanna go into counseling?” Dahlia stuttered, her eyes bubbling up with tears.

“Honey...I want you to know that I will be spending most of my time in the hospital and that practically everything in our lives will be shifting but...we will make sure that, in this difficult situation, you get what you need.” Gwendolyn spoke, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Several days later, Dahlia started her 1st counseling session. Dahlia and Gwendolyn waited patiently for the counselor to bring the both of them into his office.

“Ummm...Dahlia?” the counselor said, acknowledging Gwendolyn and Dahlia as they stood up. He smiled lightly. “Come on into my office.” he concluded, gesturing for them to follow him. They followed him into a small office; they sat down on a couch and he nestled into a chair.

“Alright...I would love it if you could explain to me exactly why you wanted to meet with a counselor. Just talk...you can trust me.” the counselor said, tracking Dahlia.

“Well...It all started when my mother…” Dahlia trailed off.

Chapter Two

Dahlia must have fallen asleep, because Grandma Linda was saying “Dahlia, sweetie, wake up.” said Dahlia’s grandmother, calmly, as always. “Your mother received a call last night at 1:30 in the morning. It was from Dr. Liz. She wanted to get your mother in the hospital and hooked up to the machinery as soon as possible. So, I was thinking that you and I could pay her a nice, relaxing visit. She is hooked up to lots of machinery to prevent her from not even being able to eat at all without being in pain. In other words, she is overwhelmed! So, I’m sure that she’ll love a visit from us.” She smiled, a slight, closed-mouth smile. Her eyes were faintly puffy and light red from sobbing so much last night.

“Sure...I’m still in my outfit from yesterday. Do you think I should change?” Dahlia uttered, forcing out a humble smile.

“Nah, let’s just get going. I’m excited to see your mother, I’m sure she can’t wait to see us, grab anything you need and come downstairs!” she concluded. Dahlia grabbed a purple, flowered shoulder bag and slung it over her shoulder. She pulled back the curtain to her closet and grabbed her pair of light blue Converse sneakers, slid them on over her same fuzzy socks from yesterday and stumbled down the stairs. (Dahlia was in such a rush to visit her mother, she had skibbled down the stairs so swiftly she had tripped several times.)

“Dahlia, make sure to bring something calm and gentle to do with your mother. There isn’t much to do at the hospital so, she might want something to do with you while you’re there.” Grandma Linda said as Dahlia was coming downstairs. Dahlia’s grandmother, Linda slid her cashmere socked feet into her black and purple polka-dotted clogs. Once Dahlia was all the way down the stairs, she opened up their game closet and grabbed a brand new deck of cards.

*****

Dahlia gripped the freezing door handle. Even though it was July, their car was freezing. Her grandmother hated summer. The sizzling sun, flaky sunburns, hot sand being tracked everywhere. Summer disgusted Linda. That’s why she kept the air conditioner at the highest level whenever she was at her house or in the car. Dahlia stepped out of the cold car and entered what seemed like a whole new dimension. Humid...humid...humid. Dahlia and Linda walked towards the hospital reception. Hand in hand.

Dahlia’s thoughts started bubbling up inside her again. She wanted to erase the cancer...from everyone who had it. It wasn’t fair...cancer wasn’t fair! She pictured cancer as an uneven, round shape. It convinced you that you and it would become extremely close best friends. Then, once you had let it fill you up with happiness, all of those joyful, friendship thoughts faded away into cruel, vicious actions. Those actions tore you apart. But, if you were lucky, you would be able to convince the cancer to stop tearing you apart, to just leave you alone; but, if you were ill-fated, the cancer would tear you apart. Until there was nothing left. That’s what frightened Dahlia more than anything.

Before Dahlia knew it, Linda and Dahlia were entering Admissions. Unbelievably, the Check-In desk was lacking a line. They strode up to the edge of the desk.

“Hello! Welcome to Marklesburg, Pennsylvania General Hospital. Name?” pronounced a slim man sitting behind the desk.

“Well...I am Linda Wilson and this is Dahlia Allen. We’re here to see Dr. Liz.” Dahlia’s grandmother spoke. Her grey, silvery hair hung low, skimming her waist. Dahlia thought it looked especially beautiful at this moment than it had ever been. It was always beautiful...but more so today. It was braided tightly, secured at the end with a bright purple elastic. The elastic was a bright happiness in the midst of dark, gloomy hair. Dahlia realized that this wasn’t too far from Dahlia’s circumstance. Her grandmother was a glowing delight in the middle of a comfortless, dismal world.

The man’s face changed and he entered something into his computer.

“I’m looking for...Linda Wilson and Dahlia Allen.” interrupted a fairly short women with long blonde hair. It was tied up into a tight, practically perfect bun that sat high on her head. Her skinny legs were dressed in tight black leggings and, she wore a long, tunic-like, white doctors coat.

They followed Dr. Liz into what seemed to be her office. She opened a light brown door. It was labeled: Dr. Liz’s Office-Please Knock.

The office was small. There was a large, wooden desk pushed up against a wall. On the opposite wall, there was a light grey love-seat with pinkish-orange pillows wherever Dr. Liz could jam them. A dark green leaf printed carpet covered the floor. Other small, simple accessories were scattered about the office. Relaxed. Unlike all of the other parts of the hospital that Dahlia had arrived at, Dr. Liz’s office was very relaxed. It was the sort of place that Dahlia wanted to be in.

“Alright, I better get started.” announced Dr. Liz, letting out a long sigh. That was when Dahlia knew that the news that they were about to be hearing wasn’t the news that Dahlia wanted. “Unfortunately, Gwen had an extremely severe allergic reaction to one of the medicines that she was taking. Having cancer made it very difficult for her to recover from that reaction. Immediately, she fell into a coma. Your mother,” she said, looking at Dahlia. “And your daughter.” she said, nodding at Dahlia’s grandmother. “She...well, she has passed away. My condolences.” she concluding, even tearing up a bit herself.

Dahlia froze completely. Everything stopped. Dahlia resisted every thought that intruded into her mind. After a little while, Dahlia forced out a wavery sigh. Everything in her whole world felt burning hot. Stubborn. She wouldn’t let herself believe it. Dahlia blocked out the whole world. Nothing existed in her thoughts anymore. Absolutely nothing. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Dahlia realized everything. Gwendolyn, her mother, was never going to be able to be Dahlia’s companion, the one she needed the most, her support-system. But, Dahlia knew that, even though her main support system was gone, Grandma Linda would make sure that Dahlia felt supported.

Tears started creeping out of her eyes. Dahlia’s breathing became choppy and irregular. She placed her head in her cupped hands and started sobbing. She did that for a long while. “Grandma?” Dahlia forced out. “I...sob...I want to go home.” she concluded, nestling her face into her grandmother’s light-brown, homemade sweater. Dahlia’s sobs were fading into gentle wails.

Dr. Liz lead them through the back hallway. And through a door that took them right to the parking lot. “I’m so sorry. If there is anything that the hospital can do, please let us know.” she said, walking towards Dahlia’s grandmother. She gave Linda a gentle hug, but a firm hug at the same time. Dahlia had had her arms wrapped around her grandmother, her face was nestled in between her grandmother’s side and her arm.

“Dahlia, I cannot say that I have been through what you are going through, or even will go through, because I haven’t, but I know that, even though it may not seem like it at this moment, everything will get better. Things will never be the same, but they will get much better.” Dr. Liz spoke, trickles of tears streaming down her face.

Dahlia’s arms dropped from around her grandmother. Her body stayed close to Linda’s body. Without warning, Dahlia whipped her whole body around. She stood there for a moment, sobbing, her whole body looked tense. Then, she wrapped her arms as tightly as she could around Dr. Liz. She buried her face into her white coat and continued to weep. Dr. Liz hugged her back, rubbing the outside of Dahlia’s arms.

Suddenly, Dahlia found herself in her grandmother’s large, fluffy bed. Her grandmother right beside her.

Unbelievably, Dahlia managed to fall into a light sleep. But, that sleep was interrupted only a few hours later. Dahlia opened her eyes, she was shaking, hot tears still clinging near her eyes. Dahlia reached under the pillow she had been sleeping on and pulled out a beautiful journal that her grandmother had given her for her birthday.

5 Days Later

My beloved journal…

I never imagined that Grandma Linda and I would EVER be in this HORRID situation. I can’t imagine our life without mom; it’s almost too depressing to believe. Without her, EVERYTHING feels empty. My mother filled my whole heart with happiness but, now that she’s gone, my whole heart just feels filled with sorrow. For the 1st 2 days, Grandma Linda and I weren’t willing to accept it. We weren’t able to do practically anything (emotionally and physically). Eventually, Grandma Linda and I were able to become emotional. We spend each and every day filling EVERYTHING with love and as much happiness as we can produce in a situation like this. We spend ALL of our time together. Whenever Grandma Linda and I have even the SMALLEST problem, we make sure to comfort each other until we are feeling better. Grandma Linda and I are doing our best to comfort each other but, we knew that some of our problems would need a little more work than what the 2 of us could supply. So, we talked to Dr. Liz and asked if she suggested anyone that my grandmother and I could work with. She suggested a woman named Jenna. She works with Grandma Linda and I 2 times a week and helps us feel better about my mother’s death. I know that Jenna’s help won’t solve all of our problems but I hope it will make a difference.

6 Months Later…

In Dahlia’s Journal...

My dear journal…

After Grandma Linda and I planned and organized my mom’s funeral, we had to decide what my future looked like. Finally, after a week (or so) of contemplating where I would live next, we decided that I would be moving into her cottage. But, that meant that we had to sell the house that I had lived in before, with my mother. And, after my grandmother and I went through all of those complications, I finally moved in with her. Surprisingly, Grandma Linda and I sold the house I lived in before VERY quickly. At Least much quicker than the both of us expected!

Grandma Linda and I held a tag-sale and we donated anything that was leftover to a Cancer Treatment Hospital. We asked the hospital to give the items to patients and their families. I felt EXTREMELY happy; I loved knowing that I was helping struggling families We decided that we wanted to volunteer at the Cancer Treatment Hospital. We talked to the hospital manager and spread a wonderful amount of joy to patients that were lacking happiness. It felt wonderful.

Then, I packed up all of the belongings that I wanted to take with me to Grandma Linda’s house.Then, I got settled in Grandma Linda’s AMAZING cottage.

Well, I am sitting in front of my desk, happily writing in you. Honoring my mother; thinking of her EVERY minute!!! Every part of me wants her back. But, I suppose Dr. Liz was right; EVERYTHING got better. Sometimes, I didn’t think I would be able to live without her but, I found true happiness.

Bye for now!

THE END