Falling into Oblivion

Falling

into

Oblivion

By Casey Conkling

I dedicate this book to all the Fault in our Stars lovers

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Maple Leaf writing Project

Copyright 2015 Brattleboro Vermont

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.

The Dream

I stand surrounded by darkness, falling into oblivion, fading out of the world of the living, and into the world of the dead. “Lacey!” pierces through the quietness of death. No I need to leave, to go to the lands of the dead to finally die. To stop all the pain spreading through my bones. Everytime I get close, something draws me back. I need to go, to finally leave all the pain, suffering, tears and taunting behind. No! I yell but there is no one to hear me. “Just let me go," I whisper as I sink down onto my knees. Tears running down my face make a river, no a lake, as I slowly drown in my own sadness.

✵Chapter One✵

Adam

It happened again, as I try to leave the voice calls me back, but why? Whose voice is it? I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling with my glow in the dark stars from when I was nine. I pick up my phone from my night stand and click on my best friend Adam’s number. On the third ring he picks up.

“Hey, isn't it a bit early to call?” he says as if he was actually sleeping when we both know he was up all night.

“ Its ten Adam,” I say.

“ Well good thing it's Saturday.”

“Do you want to hangout today?" I say hopefully

“ Well let me think……….” he says.

“Adam!”

“ I’m just messing with you! Yeah sure where?” he says full of glee.

“ How about at my place?” I ask.

“Ok Ill be there in five,” he says then hangs up.

I forgot to tell him about my dream. I’ll just tell him when he gets here, maybe. I hop out of bed and walk over to my closet and open the french doors. Today’s choice of clothes are: a white mid sleeve shirt and an above the knee floral skirt or a pair of light blue jeans ripped at the knees and a black shirt with holes in the shoulders with spikes. I chose option number two. I start to make it down the stairs but suddenly stop, gasping for air. I cling to the railing and sit down on the step.

"Lacey? Is that you?” my mother calls from the kitchen.

“ Yeah, Adam is coming over in five minutes,” I yell as I start standing up. I make it to the end of the stairs but I already feel like I am going to collapse. Someone knocks on the door.

“Lacey, remember to act as if you are ok.” I whisper to myself. I open the door and Adam is standing there with sun glasses and his leather jacket which means only one thing, we are going outside.

“ Hey,” Adam says.

“ What do you want to do?” I ask.

“ Hold on one second I need to stop by your brother’s room,” he says.

“Okay?” I say as I shut door.

We head up the stairs, I try to go fast but I am as slow as ever, he notices.

“ You okay?” he asks worried.

“ Yeah I’m fine,” I say.

“ Jaxon open the door Adam is here.” I yell pounding on the door.

Jaxon,( my brother) opens the door he glances at me and then turns to Adam.

“ Hey what do you need?” Jaxon says to Adam

Adam looks at me then back at Jaxon.

“ Ohhhh,” Jaxon says

Thinking that my hair is a mess I head to the bathroom, but no its in its usual soft waves a quarter down my back. I head back out. Adam and Jaxon are gone. I go to my room and Adam is waiting for me.

“ What was that about?” I ask.

“ How’s your cancer? Is it still growing?" Adam says full of concern. He avoided my question. I stand there for a moment then answer.

" It’s the same, I'm slowly dying like everyone else just a little bit faster." I say. I don't tell Adam how bad the pain is and the suicidal thoughts, that I might be having.

I pick up my jacket and brown satin ankle boots. No more shorts and tank tops, summer was over, and now it was late fall.

We head outside. I start walking toward my slide I had since I was little. I stand there remembering all the fun I had on the slide. Adam walks over and softly places a calloused hand on my shoulder. I look at him and his chiseled features.

“ Lace, you ok?” he says concerned.

“ IIIIIIII………. I just miss not being so fragile.” I say kicking the ground.

“ I know you do,” Adam says.

We talk and laugh and have fun for a couple of hours till Adam has to leave.

✵Chapter Two ✵

Pills

I shut the door, letting Adam leave. A gasp of relief escapes me. I turn looking in both directions, I creep slowly toward the pill cabinet. I slightly open the door, my shaking hand reaches for my pills. Foot steps slowly turn around the corner. I grab the pills and dash toward the kitchen, through the hallway. I look back and to cover up what I was doing, I make my self a cup of orange juice.

My father comes into the porcelain kitchen.

" Do you know where your mother is Lace?" my father says as he pours himself a glass of scotch. The amber liquid shimmers in the crystal glass.

I look up puzzled. Remembering the question I answer " Last I knew she was in here." I grab my orange juice and very slowly make my way upstairs. Heavy, fast footsteps get closer. Did they find out I took my pill bottles? My father rounds the corner. I stare at him with fear in my eyes. He stops with his mouth open a sliver and his facial stubble growing grey from its once ebony.

“Lacey, are you ok?” he asks.

“ I’m fine.” I say turning to go back up the stairs. He is one of the two other people who knows how bad my health is, the one of my two parents that is fine with whatever road I choose death or Trying to fight.

Once I get to my room I sink down on to my knees, and start to cry. I lock my door so I can be isolated in silence and misery. Adam doesn't know how bad the pain is, a burning fire eating me alive. He thinks he does but he only knows a sliver of the truth. I pull out my pill bottle from my jacket. I look at them, my hands shaking, a side effect from cancer along with dying. I read the pill label for the thousandth time.

Lacey Gibenon

Bone Cancer issued 8/8/13

Take twice everyday

Issued by Dr. John Kimber

I slowly pop open the top, I pour all the pills in my palm. I walk over to my window and open the window, I pick up each pill and drop it out the window. When I finish that bottle of pills I open the next bottle and so on. When I look down after each pill has hit the ground, I shriek with joy and pounce around my room. A loud banging shakes my door. I stare at it then approach the door.

“Lacey! Open this door now!” the person yells. I quickly hide all the pill bottles under my pillow. Then I open the door. My mother is standing there with anger burning in her eyes. Then they soften.

“ Honey is something wrong?” she asks. I stammer then say;

“ Nothing just One Direction's new album came out.” I say. She nods then turns away and walks back downstairs. I shrivel in disgust. Once she’s gone I shut my door, then a smile creeps up on to my face. I go back over to the window and look down and see the white pile of pills.

✵Chapter Three✵

Coming to terms

I jolt awake, gasping for air. I start inhaling air sharply. I look at my clock its two am. I lean back against my pillow. I stare blankly at the ceiling. I finally have come to terms that I really am dying. Others have come to that understanding about me, but now I have come to terms with it myself. One line from a song I have stuck in my head “I hear symphonies in my head”and I pretend I do. I’m not able to fall back asleep after that. I was up all night listening to the “symphonies.”

In the morning, after I can't hear the symphonies any more, I go downstairs for breakfast. Just my luck Jaxon decided he was going to have breakfast at the same time. I pull a bowl out of the cabinet and grab the cereal. I make myself my breakfast then I get a cup out and get the orange juice out. I start walking back upstairs with my breakfast till Jaxon breaks the silence and says. “ Did you get hit with the ugly stick this morning?” I turn around, anger boiling in me. I pour my orange juice on his head and then the cereal. I place the dishes on the stairs then dash upstairs. I start laughing hysterically, I close my door and lock it while I hear him yell at my parents for giving birth to a nuisance. Then the last part stings, he says “I wish she would just die.” Me too, I agree.

✵Chapter Four✵

The Chirp of birds

I lay on the green grass waiting for the chirp of a bird to take me away from this

misery. One month ago I was in pain and I made a stupid mistake and dumped out all my pills on the ground. My mom hasn't noticed yet, or has but doesn't show it. My dad has noticed something in my actions and mood and even physical appearance. I have hideously dark bags under my eyes. No amount of makeup could cover. My normally tan complexion faded to a yellowy white color, and to make it even more obvious I was dying, I was like a sack of bones. I had barely seen Adam in this one month because one, I was ignoring him. Two, I didn't want him to see me like this and three, it caused me pain to see the worry in his eyes. See its not like he didn't want to see me because he called a lot. Like any best friend. He probably thought I was dead. Today I decided I need to see my best friend, so I called him and he is coming over.

✵Chapter five✵

Hospital

I open the door for Adam. I can hear his breathing and the beat of my heart. Then I hear nothing, just silence. I start to sway back and forth. He grabs my wrist and fear is in his eyes. His lips make the shape of my name, but I can't hear anything. He seems to be yelling, then my wrist slips out of his hand. My head hits the floor, hard, pain spreading all over my body. A puddle of red starts forming around me, and fading into my vision. Dark spots start dancing, blurring my sight. Then my vision is consumed by darkness.

“ What happened to Lacey? She was doing so good,” a worried voice says. Muffled crying is what wakes me from my dark abyss. The familiar beeping of the hospital lets me know where I am. I open my eyes, I am stared at by what seems like hundreds of worried eyes.

“Lacey darling! You gave us quite a scare,” a women says. I look closer trying to see something remotely familiar about this human being. Another voice pipes in and says “ Are you okay?” A chorus of voices chime in, but soon it becomes to much. I quickly as possible with my fragile frame rush out of the room. I doubt anyone noticed I was gone as they chattered on how I was ok. Well maybe someone noticed. I stop panting, the wound on the back of my head starts to bleed. It starts trickling down my neck soaking part of my hospital gown. A nurse comes around the corner and sees me. She yells and hauls me over to the empty bed she was pushing down the hall. Three or maybe four more nurses join her. I hear the beeps of all the machines they hook me up on. A worried face I will never forget turns the corner and stops, dropping the coffee he had in his hand it crashes to the ground.

“Lacey,” he says in a whimper. Adam rushes over gripping my hand. The nurses start pulling him away, but he breaks free and whispers, “I know you are in pain, I know you don’t want to cause people grief, but if it causes you pain, you can go. It’s ok, you can let go.” He gets pulled away, but not fast enough as I see a tear trickle down his face. “Goodbye” is the last word I say.

✵Chapter six✵

When the gates open

“Hurry we're losing her!” one of the nurses yells. My vision fades in and out of reality. Pain all I feel is pain, inching up my body. I arch my back screaming in agony, I slowly lower myself back onto the bed, beads of sweat trickle down my forehead. I'm breathing heavily now.

“Stay with us Lacey!” the head nurse yells. The machine on the side of me makes a long beep sound. My arm falls over the side of the bed, I feel the rush of air sway through my fingers. The nurses suddenly stop, all with the sorrowful look on their faces.

“ Shes gone.” They all bow their heads in respect. Wait whos gone?! I want to yell, but can't find my voice. I finally realize whose voice it was calling me back, Adam. His face flashes in my head. Probably because I never said goodbye till then. Now he finally let me go so I can be in peace with no pain. Im fading into the darkness. I feel myself falling........

falling

gone.

Losing Lacey

“No!” I yell, as I watch all the life drain out of Lacey. Tears start streaming down my face. Laceys parents rush down the hall, her mom screaming, “ Fix her! Fix her!” Her dad stops suddenly, standing there with a look of denial on his face, his little girl gone taken away from the world too soon. Her mom turns to me,

“ Adam! What happened? My baby!” I don't know what to say to tell her Lacey is…..dead? I choke, I stand there while a elephantine amount of people swarm Laceys body, and take her away.

Lacey died on November 28, 2013 at nine thirty one in the morning. Two heart breaking weeks later was her funeral.

Lacey’s Funeral

I stand over Laceys casket holding her favorite flower, a forget me not. Tears start swelling in my eyes, I lost my best friend, who knew me better than anyone else. A quiet murmur silences the room, I take my seat.

“ Thank you everyone who came, for this sad occasion, November 28th was a very sad day. We lost Lacey Gibeon, a young cheerful teenager who was just seventeen. The good thing out of all this sadness is now we know Lacey will not be in pain. Lacey lived a short live, but it was a gleeful live. She had a best friend Adam, and a loving family. Things were hard for Lacey since when she was diagnosed with bone cancer just three years ago, but we are lucky doctors told Lacey when she was fourteen that she had one year to live but she had three years! For that we are lucky we got to have this angel in our lives for three more years. Just like all angels we have to let them go eventually.” I stop listening to the priest after that, he said you have to let all angels go eventually, I let go and know Lacey is gone.

For now I will have the memories of the past seven years I have know her. Till my time comes I have those joyful memories to hold on too.

“Ill see you when my time comes Lacey,” I would say to her.

“See you then Adam,” I imagine her saying, while smiling.