Embedded Files
Adventures in
Kingdomlandia
By Julius Jensen
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Dedicated to my parents, who supported me through every step of the way
Copyright 2016
Maple Leaf Writing Project
Brattleboro, VT
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Adventures in Kingdomlandia
Chapter 1
It was the year 2XXX, but, for all Alos cared, it could have been any year (which the X’s imply) and it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest, for, in the future, temporally undefinable pocket dimensions (one of Alos’s favorite inventions) are commonplace among the rich and wealthy. One morning, or whatever his internal clock felt passed for morning, Alos heard a knock on his interdimensional gateway. He walked from his couch, designed by him for maximum comfort, through an all white room filled with inventions that don’t work yet. “Ugh, not another mob, I just dealt with one yesterday,” he muttered under his breath, then picked up his gun. He walked out into a void of black space, cold, dark, and generally unpleasant, laser poised. In that void he heard a voice.
“Hey, if you didn’t want your news drive, you could have just told me,” said the postman, to which Alos responded:
“Ugh, we still haven’t started using my drive bots for news delivery yet?”
“Actually, this is the last month before they start using those things, adding my job to the list of things you’ve ruined. Anyways, here’s your news drive, parts of it are about you.”
“Ooo! Me! Shoo.” Alos pointed his gun at the man.
“You don’t need to tell me twice, I’m out,” the postman said as he left.
Alos walked back inside, put his laser down, and stuck the drive into his gauntlet, a highly advanced device designed by him with an artificial intelligence . “Glorified Glove! Read it to me, but only read the parts about me!”
The gauntlet replied, “The section featuring your name is called ‘Alos, hero or menace?’”
“There are literally 200 people in the world who get that that is a reference to comic books, and only 50 feel nostalgic for it, and it just makes other 150 annoyed, so why did they call it that? By the way, Glove, that was rhetorical.”
“Inventor Alos, one of the smartest men ever to live, is infamous to say the least. Born to a rich family who knew he was more than special, he was quite spoiled, leading to quite a lot of spite. But he has also done great things; like perfecting cosmetic surgery, making perfectly functioning non-sentient robots, and more! So ask yourselves, people. Is this world infamous inventor really the bad guy?”
“Interesting article, but not a bad one,” said Alos. “I especially like its message, I’m the good guy. Now that’s an idea the populous can fully embrace!” He rather liked the idea that popped into his head right then, laying on his couch and having his robots shovel food into his mouth, but, sadly, it was not to be.
Chapter 2
He heard a knock, and then another one, and then another. Alos sat up, and, begrudgingly, walked away from the comfortable massage he had set up, and went outside. “I already got my mail,” he shouted.
“The only mail we’re giving you is the news that humanity is not your plaything!”
“Ugh, really! Now it’s a mob? There are two things wrong with that sentence; 1. That probably sounded a lot more epic in your head, and, humanity is my plaything! Ugh, I didn’t even bring out my gun. I guess I have to pioneer a new way to kill these people, hm? Or get rid of them, the psychiatrist who’s paying me not to kill people won’t pay me if I kill them. Oh, hey! I could just send them back in time! Glorified Glove! Send them back in time!”
“How far back?”
“To negative something-or-other!”
KZZT!
“Well s***, comic book malfunctioning onomatopoeia is never good,” said Alos.
Boom!
“And there’s the explosion onomatopoeia, is this just a comic book now?” asked Alos.
“No, I just wanted comic sounds. But you know what, I’ll refer to myself in the third person for this line of text if it makes you feel better,” said Julius, flabbergasted.
“Well, it doesn’t,” said Alos.
“Well, I wish you could have told me that before I typed my name in. Also, here is the ‘novelized’ version of the text. ‘The gauntlet exploded, creating a very large temporal vortex which sucked everyone inside,’” I said, still flabbergasted.
“Good. Wait what?”
The gauntlet exploded, creating a very large temporal vortex which sucked everyone inside.
Have you ever drifted through time? Well, if you have, you know it’s not a pleasant experience. This is how Alos felt, precisely because of what you are thinking. While in this state, he noticed things, most of which involved explosions, and all others having a strange connection to the fact that time is purple. “Ach! My head! Who knew time could be so loud, and so purple?”
“He said. Then suddenly, out of the corner of his ear, he heard ‘Then, suddenly out of the corner of his ear he heard ‘Then, suddenly out of the corner of his ear he heard ‘Then, suddenly out of the corner of his ear he heard ‘Then, suddenly out of the corner of his ear he heard ‘Then, suddenly out of the corner of his ear he heard ‘Then, suddenly out of the corner of his ear he heard-’’’’’’” said Julius.
Alos stopped listening, not only because he was annoyed, but also because of his newly developed apeirophobia.
Chapter 3
Alos landed in a large area, grassy enough to be called a grassland but not wet enough to be called a wetland, or wasted enough to be called a wasteland.
“Ugh, my head,” said Alos.
“Hello, who are you where are you from you’re certainly not from around here,” said a strange looking man, who seemed to be a guide of some sort.
“. . .” Alos gazed at the annoyingly cheery man with enough spite to make that man's tombstone out of.
“I’m not telling you where I’m from, or who I am until you tell me, WHERE THE HECK I AM!”
“Why you’re in the land of Kingdomlandia of course. That proves you’re not native, we’re very proud of our name, you see.”
“How can you be proud of that name. Who was stupid enough to make that your name!”
“Why King King I of course.”
“King King!”
“Why call the King anything else, he is born to kingship.”
“Well, this is obviously generic fantasy, which actually happened somehow. Can I ask you some questions, for navigational purposes?”
“Yes, of course,” the guide replied.
“Is there a dark evil overlord ruling over the land?”
“Yes.”
“Is there an army rising up to oppose him?”
“Yes,” the guide answered.
“Does anything going on have to do with llamas?”
“N-no. What?”
“I have determined where I am, and, subsequently determined, that to defeat the evil darkness lord, you will need the power of love and friendship.”
“Hmm, that is the next logical step after hate and betrayal, and sounds like a better strategy for the good guys, we’ll take it.”
“Hmmmm… this does not seem profitable, and I might as well make some vintage cash. You’re going to have to pay me for that idea.”
“What?”
“How much money will you pay me for that idea”
“We will pay you no money, but we will pay you the satisfaction to know your idea, and, hopefully, you, saved Kingdomlandia.”
“That is worth less than any amount of money. You can’t have my idea.”
Alos then sprayed the man with many noxious gasses, performed a type of brain surgery on him, removed the memory of the solution, implanted a memory of him leaving and his name before leaving, all the while wondering how he could do this without his gauntlet. Hours later, the man awoke. “That Alos fellow was nice, though I don’t recall catching his name,”
Chapter 4
Alos was walking on sunshine with his levitators, pondering about the day’s events. “Okay, my gauntlet broke while trying to repel a mob by sending them back in time, also sending me back in time, then I ran into a guide telling me that this land, Kingdomlandia, ruled by King King, is under attack. Maybe I could use his advice and become their hero, giving me a decent living until I find a way to get out of this rural time. I could just track the horde of evil, and whatever down on his luck farm boy/squire whose family/simple ways of living get(s) torn apart! But, after that, fate will likely kill me if I don’t have companions while adventuring to face the evil darkness lord, and I can’t kill them because they have plot armor. But I could turn them into cute animals with a bomb, and then bring them along with me.” Alos thought about it more and flew away.
When Alos arrived, the castle was tall, imposing, and gray. This is how it is most days, except for every third Thursday. On those days, 67 stones are painted pink for protection against ghost llamas. This means that the castle is still tall, although much less imposing, and mostly gray, but slightly pink. This method doesn’t work on any other types of ghosts, and no one knows why it works, although some have theorized that it is because they are the only things in the world that do not help progress the plot of this story. Those people, of course, are quickly said to be mad, but for precisely the wrong reasons.
And it is not unhelpful to note, that the day Alos arrived is one of those Thursdays.
Alos was admiring the castle, and how tall imposing and gray it was. That is, until some workers came to make exactly 67 blocks pink.
“Hey, you! Can you help us decide which 67 blocks to paint pink!?”
“First, I can hear you without the shouting, and second, no.”
“We can’t let you inside if you don’t help us,” Said the other worker.
“Yes, you can.”
“No, we can’t.”
“Alright you’ve forced my hand.”
Alos then proceeded to throw a bomb, not before of course making it unable to kill. If you are wondering why he didn’t throw this bomb at the mob, the bomb has interesting reality warping capabilities which could have destabilized his dimension. It was these same reality warping factors that, along with a very high improbability factor some septillion years later, caused the birth of a sperm whale and a sentient bowl of petunias, as well as some years before the whale, an idea for a game with a name along the lines of highly irritated birds.
“Ahh! What happened! Why is the wall half blown up?” a worker asked in confusion.
“Be grateful that I let you live, and get out of the way,” said Alos.
Chapter 5
Alos walked into the castle courtyard and heard:
“The royal king has asked his royal subjects, specifically us, his royal announcers, to royally ask who ever made the royal explosion that destroyed the royal wall to come and see the royalty in their royal throne. The royal king then royally added that they may refuse, and if they do, either be royally executed or be thrown into a battle royal.”
While the guards were talking long windedly, Alos noted how normal the castle courtyard looked.
“Okay, I’ll see the king.”
“We royally thank you for your royal cooperation.”
Alos and the announcers walked into the throne room, which looked just royal enough.
While walking in, Alos noticed this portrait, giving him some idea about what to expect from this king.
Many people populated the room, which was also a banquet hall.
The king looked incredibly regal, and incredibly fat. “Shoo, I wish to speak to him alone,” said the king.
“Alos,” King said after everyone had left.
“How do you know my name?!”
“Do you not recognize me?”
“No, I actually don’t,” said Alos.
“You said that my witty comeback wasn't witty enough,” the king sputtered.
“No! I said that it probably sounded more epic in your head. Ohhhh, my gauntlet sent everyone back in time to different places!” Alos said. Alos was, infact correct with this assumption. Some of the more notable areas mobsmen were sent to are: The American Great Depression, the prehistoric American great depression (dictionary.com on depression “a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.”), and Elvis's shoe.
“You wrecked our wall! Now that the 67 blocks aren’t pink, the ghost llamas will attack us!” King shouted.
“What! The guide said that nothing happening had to do with llamas!”
“Oh, him. He doesn’t know about what happens here. He just works for the Good Guys.” Alos’s face contorted with confusion, and King could see words forming in his mouth so he quickly interrupted.
“The knights of Kingdomlandia are called the Good Guys.”
“Another one of your brilliantly complicated names I see.”
“There is no point in making anything complex!”
“I strongly disagree! Oh, and by the way, do you have any spare squires that dream irrationally largely?”
“I would say the most spareable one is on 3rd floor 4th room from the right. But… ”
“Thanks!” Alos said as he left.
Chapter 6
Night was coming and Alos arrived at 3rd floor,4th room just in time to see a boy, around 12 years old walking out the door with some heavy armour.
“Hey! You are a squire, correct?” Alos asked the boy.
“Yes.”
“Well, that armor looks heavy, I’ll bring it to your knight if you tell me his name.”
“But if I don’t take it to him, I’ll never become a knight!”
“Knights don’t do petty labor, that’s why they have squires. Now what’s your knight's name?”
“Gerrard.”
“Thank you.”
Alos brought the equipment to the knight and talked about how annoying the kid was. When Alos returned, he found the kid’s entire family mauled to death, presumably by ghost llamas. Alos was sad at this, because he had kind of come to like the kid. Alos then saw the boy walking down the hall, so he threw a bomb specially designed to turn him into a cute animal, then he incapacitated the new dog, and picked it up as he left.
Chapter 7
Alos arrived at a towerish, spirally type castle with colors in the wood and stone spectrum. He knocked on the door.
Alos heard a shrill voice reply from inside.
“Hello, what do you want?”
“Do you have any spare intellectual, bratty and irritating girls that you wouldn’t mind me getting rid of?” Alos asked the man.
“I was actually just about to kill one, but I guess you can do the honors.”
“Perfect.”
The man opened the door, and when Alos saw him, he looked like the stereotypical wizard, except the astrological shapes on his cloak were a bit too pointy.
“Why do you want to kill the girl?” the wizard asked.
“Oh, just to be able to kill the evil darkness lord,” Alos replied.
“Oh, him. Did business with him once. Wasn’t the nicest fellow, wouldn’t mind helping you kill him, if that help was already on my schedule.”
“You can go about your business after I know where to look.”
“Room 4, level 2.”
“Thanks, bye.” Alos left for the chamber.
Alos arrived at the dormitory, which did not look as prisony as he thought it would look. Alos disintegrated the door with his inanimate object disintegrating device.
“Yes, you can come in,” said a voice that was the very soul of annoyance.
“I would assume so. Oh, and by the way I’m here to get rid of you. Wizards orders,” Alos said in a manner that was somehow more annoying than the last remark.
“I’ll only let you kill me if you prove you are smarter than me by you solving my math equations, and me solving yours.” She looked like your typical damsel in distress, except she was one who caused distress. The two threw math equations at each other until the girl fell incapacitated of unintelligence. Alos, seeing opportunity, threw the bomb at her, turning her into a cat.
Chapter very short
Alos arrived at an incredibly peaceful town .
“Hmm. Hey, you! Do you know where I can find the most annoyingly nice person in town?”
“Oh, yeah, right over there.”
“Really? No complications? No two digit number with four?”
“Nope, why?”
“I don’t no, you don’t mind if I remove him, do you?”
“Neh, you did say annoying didn’t you?”
“Oh yeah.” Alos proceeded to throw the bomb at the person that the person he was talking to pointed out. That man became a crab. Alos picked him up.
“Thanks, I think,” the other person said.
“Off to the evil darkness lord!” Alos shouted ecstatically.
Chapter 8
The castle was very black, a few pieces of red, but mostly death
.
It is always this way, contrary to popular belief. On certain Saturdays, the sun gives a certain tinge that makes it look bright and happy.
“Hello!” Alos shouted at the door. The door was kind enough to open.
The hallway looked very dark, but Alos questioned why the room was obviously designed to make the outside look blue on Saturdays. Vorp! Having been transported Alos found himself in a dark, fiery arena type area.
“Hey, you read Bedard's NG run! Wait, I sent you back in time! But, the mobsters couldn't have afforded to read an old comic! Is this from a future escapade?” Alos asked the man in the chair.
“I guess you could say that. Oh, by the way Julius, you can call me evil Alos, I’ve been playing my villany up to give me a reason not to confuse the readers while also having some fun, ” evil Alos replied, while standing up to face Alos quite menacingly.
“(Duck sound)?!” Alos shouted in confusion.
“Yes, your entire escapade has been against yourself. I offer you a simple way out of this situation. Just leave. Come back in 10 years and do exactly as said in the Instruction Manual for Taking Over Kingdomlandia, trademark pending. Do what I do here, and then let me proceed in my conquest. Oh, and by the way like logo, the gear skull, the idea has no actual origin, each Alos gets the idea from the la-, wait, nope, I didn’t say that. Anyways, the gear skull thing represents evil, darkness, and death. Oh, and also robots, can’t forget robots. And speaking of evil darkness death robots, just open the spell book, look for evil darkness death robots. Why do I have so many things under evil darkness death robots? Pickled humans, why is that there? Oh! That’s the spell I was looking for! How did I misread it as pickled humans? Okay, just look for the components. Never was the best at remembering components in Dungeons-, wait, nope, you didn’t hear that, you don’t have friends yet. Ah! Here it is. Hebegebegebeg, mechanical sound. Oh, and they’re also skeletons.”
As he said the incantation, bones started rising from the floor of the arena. But not any bones, mechanical bones. They weren't fully formed like you would expect them to be, then, slowly, they began to become spooky scary robot skeletons .
“Why are you trying to kill me?!”
“I’m not trying to kill you, I’m just trying to prevent you from throwing the animals at-oops, I shouldn’t have said that should I.”
“Nope.”
Alos then proceeded to throw the cute animals at evil Alos, and through the might of their love and friendship, annihilated his heart of pure evil and darkness.
“Ahh! I honestly should have expected myself to continue the paradox. I saw it happen with my own eyes for (insert deity here)'s sake! Wait, pure evil and darkness? Julius, seriously? My heart is only 75% evil and darkness. Oh, and ‘good’ Alos, here are a few words of wisdom before I go poof-” Poof! Evil Alos then promptly vanished.
“Well then, I guess I’ll just go to the present and try not to be caught in a temporal paradox later. But I guess I should take this guide just in case.”
The End
Epilogue
“Hmmm, this does seem to be pretty in depth, I wonder if I make a few changes, I can take Kingdomlandia!” Alos said while looking at the Instruction Manual for Taking Over Kingdomlandia. [Of course, he forgot the changes from the Instruction Manual for Taking Over Kingdomlandia (for more information on this, turn to chapter 1 or 8, depending on your preference.).]
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