Betrayal and Trust

BETRAYAL AND TRUST

Betrayal is universal. No one escapes its ugly reality, and no one is insured against it. It is the human inability to stay the clear path of YES or NO (Matthew 5:37). Everything else is a betrayal. Betrayal scars souls, kills spirits, distorts relationships, and leaves the person with a marred worldview where hypocrisy and manipulations of circumstance are the norm, not the exception. 

The responses to a betrayal are on a continuum with a low end of forgive and forget to a high end of hatred, rage, and vengeance; from feeling bad to developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Victims of trauma are prone to experience the vehement reactions to betrayals at high-end response. When the victims are children and the perpetrator is a parent, the betrayal is off the common scale. It is an occurrence of its own proportions. It is the ultimate distortion of family relationships with maximum damage to the child. It is a new form of ugly, and a new shape of evil that falls into its own category. This kind of betrayal is not a “natural” occurrence. Only the existence of “spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12) can explain this evil phenomena. 

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is a lifelong endeavor. The success of regaining trust depends on the severity of the trauma and the consequential development of possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Survivors of physical, emotional and sexual abuse may experience greater, more complex struggles because of the nature of the abuse, especially when the victim is a minor.  

Trust is an inborn disposition towards life, and it is divinely imparted since the beginning of time. Every betrayal diminishes trust and the consistency of met expectations strengthens it. Either tendency forms very early in childhood and determines the forms of attachment an individual develops as an adult. These styles of attachment become permanent personality traits. 

John Bowlby (1907-1990), a child psychiatrist, developed the theory of attachment styles. He found patterns in the formation of psychological connectedness in early child-parent relationships. Earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers determine their capacity to trust later in life. Based on this understanding there are four types of attachment: secure, anxious-resistant, avoidant, and disorganized (fearful). Later in life, these childhood attachment styles become part of the adult personality. There are three major adult attachment styles, proceeding from attachment types, formed in early childhood: secure, anxious, and ambivalent. (see Table 2)

Secure adult attachment: Children with a secure attachment pattern show a moderate amount of distress when the caregiver leaves, but can quickly compose themselves when the caregiver returns. Such children feel protected by their attachment figures and they seem to trust that the caregiver will return. This attachment style represents a low fear of failure and a high need for achievement. As adults, such individuals are great at conflict resolution in relationships, they avoid manipulation, they are comfortable with intimacy, and forgive quickly.                                                                                                 

Avoidant attachment : Adults with dismissive-avoidant attachment style appear distant, avoiding attachment completely. They desire a high level of independence and view themselves as self-sufficient. They tend to have a low opinion of people whom they perceive as dependent on them. They deal with conflict by distancing themselves from the situation that caused it. Adults with anxious avoidant attachment style have mixed feelings and mixed needs regarding romantic relationships. They desire emotional closeness and intimacy, but they feel uncomfortable when they have it. Such individuals tend to be pessimistic, having a less pleasant outlook on life. They suppress their feelings and avoid dealing with conflicts. They are seen as loners, but inwardly, they crave intimacy. 

Anxious-preoccupied (Ambivalent) attachment: Adults with this type of attachment style desire closeness and intimacy, and often become overly dependent on their partners. These individuals have less positive views about themselves and their partners. They are typically less trusting and more emotionally expressive. 

Any form of child abuse distorts the character and results in the formation of maladaptive behaviors later in life. It affects perceptions, relationships and ethics.  The Trauma Hub methodology, when applied diligently, it successfully addresses the above issues, leading to positive changes and ultimate healing. 

Task: Identify and reflect on your adult attachment style 

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