Managing "Outgoing"
(Difficult Conversations & Requests)

Introduction / Overview

Don't ambush your spouse! Just don't! So tempting, I know. But it's killing your marriage! INSTEAD, use these Principles of Peace for Difficult Conversations and, as inspired, the "Request List Protocol" along with the other tips found below. You'll love the results.

How to use these principles

These Principles are a backdrop for all potentially high stakes or delicate conversations.

💙 Off the cuff issues and requests, as inspired.

💙 Nightly Check-In

💙 Talk Cards

💙 Love Seat

A Softened Heart

"I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart."

Dr. Victor Cline.

These guidelines (below) support a softened heart along a path of peace. No matter the destination or object of your conversation, peace is the way to get there.

Important Note on the Material Below:

Section 1 & 2 are the basics and really all you need to concentrate on. The rest, Section 3, is supplemental, for those that want to become Yoda.

See the Index at the bottom of this document if you're looking for something specific.

Section 1) Principles of Peace for Delicate Conversations & Requests

Difficult or delicate conversations deserve and require principles that foster peace, understanding and resolution. Infusing these principles into a conversation can be done naturally as you become more aware and committed to them. Additionally, "guided communication" formats such as "Talk Cards" or "Love Seat" can keep you even more on track.

A "Principle Based" conversation simply means to approach difficult conversations or requests, keeping these principles in mind- asking yourself, during your conversation, "Am I showing, giving, offering ______?" (one of the principles below, then another, and another etc.)

✅ Underlying Trust

✅ Enrollment (or permission)

✅ Vulnerability

✅ Empathy

✅ Responsibility

✅ Appreciation

✅ Validation

✅ Specific, Affirmative Request

Examples of How to Use These Principles

Enrollment - "I wanted to talk about something. This will take a couple of minutes. Is this a good time?"

Vulnerability - Share In Real Time what's up for you (another tip from Emil Harker). Share your feelings & fears rather than your accusations or judgements i.e. "I feel uncomfortable even bringing this up. Kind of makes me feel like I'm always wanting something, and I get afraid that I'm going to wear you down with stuff like this..." or whatever is up for you right now as you talk.

Empathy - "I know it's been hard to have so much family staying with us lately."

Responsibility - "I realize I didn't really prep you very well or even make sure you were totally enlisted in my plans" or "I know it would have been better for me to bring this up earlier since Mom is on her way back from the store right now" or "I realize that I've been holding some things inside, but I hope that as we talk, we can work something out."

Underlying Trust - (as much as is possible in this moment). Think in terms of giving the benefit of the doubt. "I know you'd like this to work for everyone. I think I know where your heart is."

Appreciation - "Thanks for all you've done on this- for all your help."

Enrollment - "There's one thing that would make things a little better, at least for me. Could I make a request?"

Request (Specific & Affirmative) - "Would you be willing to spend a few minutes with my Mom this Sunday, listening to some of her stories?"

Validation (if anything above goes wrong). - Sometimes, depending on your spouse's triggers, you'll want to suspend whatever you're trying to communicate or request and turn your entire attention to what your spouse is communicating or needs. You can always come back to where you left off later.

Enrollment - "I want to make a request about what time you come home from work."

Empathy - "I know it's been so busy for you lately at work and you're under a lot of pressure."

Appreciation - "I also want you to know, I really appreciate how hard you're working and I know you feel stretched between your work and us (your family)."

Request (Specific & Affirmative) - "My request is, do you think you'd be willing to call me if you're going to be coming home later than expected?"

Section 2) "Launch" - Share Your "Managing Outgoing" Good News With Your Spouse

1) Sit knee to knee with your spouse.

2) Putting your right hand on his or her heart (or holding his or her hands in yours):

“_________________ (spouses name) “From now on, with any kind of sensitive or difficult subject, I promise to pay close attention to principles that foster peace in me and between us. Furthermore, I will take my upsets to God and/or my Request List so that I can bring my love and my specific requests to you.

In all of this, I am training my mind to first connect with my trust in your love and then talk through and/or solve issues.

With this commitment, I look forward to many peaceful conversations, where, absent of accusation, anger or judgement, we can discover where we might have gotten lost and how best to return to each other.”

3) Take a 10 to 30 minute walk sometime later with your spouse (ideally, same day) to talk about the Request-List Protocol. You could also share about “Relationship Cleanse" if you've started it.

Talk about something that has struck you about all of this. Make your share just about you - your feelings and perspective. Nothing you say should imply anything about your spouse. Do not comment on each other’s shares, other than some nods, and maybe a little “Yes, I understand,” or “Mm hmm” and/or “Thanks for sharing this with me.” Nothing more.

Section 3) Supplemental Tips & Principles

Rehearsal - Practice Makes Peace!

Rehearsing Principles of Difficult Conversations

1) Pick a smaller issue (i.e., getting the trash out before the trash truck comes).

2) With the list of principles in your hand, on your phone or a notebook, including "examples of how to use these principles" (see above), see how many of the principles you can use in your conversation with your spouse, including making a specific request.

3) Welcome to this new world of powerful principles leading to peaceful conversations & requests ! 💘

Note that in your practice of these principles, your spouse always gets an "A."

Pray for Underlying Trust / Bring Your Story to God

Underlying trust, or using Emil Harker's words, "assuming good intent" means that you are willing to challenge your victim story, helpless story or villian story before making a request.

Ask God to open your heart and eyes- to see your spouse's sometimes hidden care and love for you. This is the starting place. What you see, manifests- not the other way around.

Once you are steeped in your story of distrust or let-down it's easy to unload disappointments from your entire life onto your spouse. Don’t do this. As Dr. John Lund says, bring your frustrations, distrust, upset and fear to God. Bring your love and your specific requests to your spouse.

Work with God in getting to peace. This is the prerequisite to addressing an issue or request with your spouse.

Most of the time this is simply a matter of prayer, long walks and meditation. Sometimes you’re going to need extra guidance. (Click here for some options).

The best treatment I have ever heard on this idea is in a piece of LDS literature. At the risk of offending some, may I share this quote on the subject of issues management:

“...Influence …ought to be maintained …only by persuasion, …long-suffering, …gentleness and meekness, …by love unfeigned; …by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul …without guile- (& here’s the kicker) reproving (making requests or giving guidance) …with sharpness (with clarity), when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom you've reproved, lest he esteem you to be his enemy”— D&C 121:41 (parenthesis & …s added)

"Moved Upon By God" Highlights:

a) Be moved upon, not by your story, but by love and your commitment to your spouse & to God- by the vision of peace and love God has put in your heart- not your need to vent, not your victim story, self righteousness, or defensiveness- your love.

b) If this isn’t already your ticket to great results, the next little bit cinches the deal. “Then, after providing calm, clear, storyless input or a request (just to make sure He or she gets where you’re coming from), show an "increase of love".

Now we’re getting somewhere! Now the trust is being built. Now a ground work of safety that melts your spouses defensiveness and opens his or her ears and heart is laid. Yay!

"Enrollment" vs. Ambushing.

The person wanting to talk is like the passer and the person being approached is like the receiver.

From the passer’s point of view, it's vital to make your loved one feel safe by creating what I call "enrollment" instead of just launching or ambushing. Here's how enrollment sounds: “Honey, I really need to talk about a couple of things, would there be a time that would work for you?”

Unless the receiver enrolls, the conversation will likely start with an underlying defensive atmosphere and will lack the feeling of safety necessary to actually hear each other. It will feel, at some level, more like a power struggle than a conversation- with each side struggling to get something inside the other’s brain.

Don't Come In Hot

"Insisting on working through an issue right now is simply pursuing and amplifying our story of how we've been wronged" - Natalie Clay (Couples Coach)

There are times when you "need to talk." Your "need" by definition, reveals a certain amount of hurt, upset, disappointment etc. (what I call “outgoing").

Dr. John Lund points out that our criteria for determining when to talk about something is that “I’m mad. In fact I’m very mad, which really means we need to talk!!” This all too familiar criteria and pattern usually doesn't work out very well on either side.

Consider the Request List Protocol (below) with what Dr. Lund suggests as a new criteria for talking... which is, “I want to bless you.” Wow. What a difference!

As Dr. John Lund suggests, bring your upset to God (or your journal, or to breakthrough work etc.). Bring your clear, actionable request to your partner. Why? Because your inner experience can be a grand canyon- full of emotions and upset. But your spouse is usually only prepared for a bite sized request-muffin. That's it!

Don't Bring the Grand Canyon

Don't bring the Grand Canyon i.e. "Why don't you care more about me?" Bring the mini muffin i.e. "Would you be willing to look over our day together every morning before you leave to see what each of our needs are for the day?"

The Request List Protocol can heal your mind from fight and flight instincts and enable you to rationally approach issues and resolutions. The Relationship Cleanse followed by initiating your Request List will instantly infuse your relationship with positive energy.

Notice Your False Sense of Urgency (More on not Coming In Hot")

Looking at the picture above reminds us of just how awkward and almost overwhelming it might feel to learn correct principles and/or use a "Request" list vs. just saying anything you want, in anyway you want to at anytime.

On one side of the court is our tendency is to keep the peace, sweep things under the table, and endure to the end (which, with this kind of attitude, we sometimes pray comes sooner than later).

Because of this, only when we build up enough resentment and anger are we finally compelled to break the silence and ambush our loved one.

There’s a voice in your head that says, “If I don’t talk about this right now (when I’m angry), I never will. I’ll just sweep it under the carpet again and continue to be disappointed and resentful, so my only hope is to just go for it right now. It’s only when I’m angry that I have any hope of getting things resolved, getting my needs met, and surviving.”

Sounds insane? It is. It is the essence of fight or flight. This doesn’t have to be true! Mastering correct principles (including a Request List if inspired) is a whole new world of possibility. It will take some time to get used to. It will be a hard transition. it will be infinitely worth it.

Your issues do matter. Your feelings matter. What you want matters. Don’t stuff it- work it out. And there is only one necessary ingredient to working things out- peace. This is what these principles and the Request List are all about.

More on Vulnerability - Express Primary Emotions

When you describe your feelings or experience, stay close to the heart i.e. "I felt sad, lost, closed in, panicked, helpless, embarrassed." These are primary emotions- much better than secondary emotions such as angry, disgusted, or wondering what's wrong with you etc.

When you're talking about you, your loved one tends to lean in (so to speak) and to listen. When you are talking about your spouse, he or she leans back and shuts down.

In this light, when you feel like your spouse has stepped on your toe in some sense, train yourself to say "ouch" (in whatever way you can), instead of "You're always stepping on my foot. Can't you watch where you're going?!" Expressing your pain instead of your judgement can be amazingly reconciling and healing.

As mentioned above, a key place for vulnerability is when approaching a difficult conversation, for instance, "this is really hard for me" or "I hate to talk about stuff like this" or "I feel stupid even bringing this up."

Seek Clarification

Seek clarification (vs. accusation, justification, right/wrong). "Tell me about this from your point of view" or "So what's going on with you about this?" or "So what am I missing about this?" or "What am I not seeing?"

“So, when you referred to me as a ‘pig’ the other day, did you mean that in a ‘oh he’s such a cute little piggy’ way, or did you mean that I was being self-centered?”

Intimacy is much more about listening and getting more information than it is about talking and making more judgements. The clearer you are about what’s actually happening or happened, the more your feelings will settle into a more reasonable and communicative realm.

Seek to Understand

The over arcing goal of seeking clarification is to create understanding.

The more you seek to understand the more you’ll actually want to understand.

This happens to me with movies my wife picks that I’m sure I won’t be interested in. I like anything with spaceships and/or a creatures and/or time travel. She likes love and romance. So she’ll pick a movie, and I’ll sort of half watch it with her. Within 20 minutes I’m at the edge of my seat, laughing, clapping, crying. Why? Because I stayed. I sat. I watched, I heard and committed to take it in- to let go of my spaceship (my world) and tune into hers.

The more you tune into his or her world, the more your heart will fill. What will it fill with? with him or her - with your love for him or her. When people feel fully heard, seen, understood and known, a feeling of peace and security immediately emerges. It’s almost like listening is love.

But it gets even better! The more you actually do understand and validate your partner's world, the more he or she will share this world with you! Note that you may see it all differently. In the context of this principle however, it's irrelevant how you see it. Your job at times is simply to understand.

BTW, I'm not saying, don’t talk. I'm just saying, when you are listening, listen! And as you do, being right and getting your way melts into being in love and inventing “our” way- a path that works for both of us.

Enjoy the Volley Instead of the Points

Peaceful, heart to heart communication means creating a gentle, calm, volley, with zero interest in the score. Don’t keep rushing the net. If you’re that panicked about getting your point of view over the net, this might not be the best time to talk.

Welcome his or her ball into your court. Receive and return with attention, connection & compassion. Soon it will be your turn to serve the ball and for him or her to receive & return. Pay attention to the natural rhythm.

Here’s the magic: The more you get into your partner’s world (and invite him into yours), the more safe your partner will feel.

The safer your partner feels, the more trust he or she will have with you. And as Stephen Covey teaches, trust ignites creativity and leads to an exploration of solutions.

Trust is created as you turn up your intention to understand and loosen your grip on being right and getting your way.

Listening to understand, letting go of being right and letting go of getting your way is to pursue peace instead of pursuing victory.

It’s a wonderful circle because the more you seek to understand, the more you want to understand.

In a fascinating study reviewed by Dr. Mark Holder, researchers interviewed chronic diabetes patients at a hospital. They found that by using 3 very special words, the patients felt significantly connected to and at ease with the researchers who were interviewing them.

Their conclusion was that 3 of the most healing words you can say to someone are “tell me more.”

Dr. Holder suggests that through these words we are sending the message, “I’m not going on to my story. I’m listening to you and to your story.” The research also determined that perhaps the 2nd most healing words you can say to someone are: “What happened next?”

These kinds of phrases and questions heal, not only people’s actual body and health, but heal relationships: “Tell me more”, “What I hear you saying is…”, “Tell me more about…”, “What happens when___”, “I really want to understand everything you’re feeling” etc. Try to understand each piece (or “bite”) of what you’re partner is saying before switching to your point of view. This may take a while. Be patient.

There is a natural rhythm in this. If you are seeking to understand first, and then to be understood, you can feel when someone is complete with something. You can feel if it makes sense to share with him or her, as a gift, what is in your heart.

The cove receives the wave. The cove does not resist the wave, or make it wrong. The wave comes into the cove and finding he is received, is calmed and contained.

Sometimes you are the wave. Sometimes you are the cove. If you are both waves- crashing into each other- the flow ends and the storm begins.

I can't emphasize this enough. Get fully into your partner's world when he or she is talking. In the vastness and diversity of our human experience, one formula remains constant: listening equals understanding, and understanding equals love.

Consider Using the Request List Protocol

A Request List is a private list of requests regarding sensitive issues. You can use a notebook or a page in your planner or a list app i.e. • Evernote • Google docs etc.

A Request List will assist you in maintaining a sense of personal power, staying in your business (not your spouse's) and delivering a sane version of yourself to your spouse in difficult conversations.

The Request List protocol is straightforward; Instead of ambushing your spouse, take the time to distill specific requests from the layers of distrust, let down & upset.

RLP 1) Bring your upset, distrust or victim story to your Request List & to God first- not your spouse. i.e. “He or she doesn’t care about me” etc. Bring this to God. He wants to hear it. Your spouse doesn’t. He or she just wants the path back to your heart.

RLP 2) Before going to your spouse, challenge your “story.” i.e., “Is what I’m thinking about my spouse really true?” and other breakthrough work if necessary- whatever it takes to rekindle some underlying trust of in your spouse's love and care for you.

RLP 3) Convert your issue to a specific, affirmative, request.
Additionally, make your requests reasonable- something your spouse is likely to do or at least talk about until you come up with something that works better for both of you.

RLP 4) Fully connect with your spouse, then make your request.
Now that you've cooled down, go to your spouse- not so much with your complaint, but with a specific request. Regardless of when you make a request (Nightly Check-In, Weekly Inventory, or, as inspired, whenever) - honestly connect with your spouse and then make your request.

a) Physically connect, as much as possible- either sitting down, close to each other or walking hand in hand etc.

b) (as Emil Harker puts it), as much as possible, radiate empathy, underlying trust and appreciation.

From here, you could consider some of the examples of how to use principles of delicate or sensitive conversations found at the beginning of this chapter.

More on "Specific Requests"

Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative, Requests

Your loved one just wants a map, that's it (not the back story) i.e. "How do I get back to your heart"?

My favorite part of a first meeting with a couple is when after hearing some complaints or concerns, asking the husband or wife, "O.K. So what specifically would you like to request of your spouse today?"

This question is almost always met with a blank stare and all the enthusiasm for the complaint is suddenly replaced with dead silence.

Our brains, in fight or flight, don't think solutions or requests. We think in terms of destroy the enemy or fleeing for our lives or curling up in a fetal position on the floor somewhere, rocking ourselves back and forth.

The alternative these instincts is making a request.

But the idea of a specific, actionable, affirmative, request seems to allude us (in favor of fight and flight).

What's fascinating, especially with men, is that in the face of conflict, people seem to thirst for requests. Agreement 7 in "The 9 Agreements", says "Speak to the possibility, not the disappointment." Men especially, hold in their hearts this simple plea, "Show me the way (specifically) back to your heart!"

This is the peaceful version of yourself- able and willing to do whatever breakthrough work is necessary (i.e. taking a walk, praying, journaling or other processes) to then find that much of what you thought you needed to talk about (sometimes for hours or even days) can be converted to a specific request and delivered in a Nightly Check In.

This will usually mean not needing much of a conversation, but if you do, a specific request could be a great place to start.

Note: As true as the above is, it is also true that making a U.S.A. request during Nightly Check In, where this request is really just the tip of a huge iceberg, can lead to a disaster. Be honest with yourself. If something has been building up, do some breakthrough work to take the edge off, then schedule a time when you can have a Principle Based Conversation, ideally using Talk Cards or Loveseat. Initially, this is often best done with a coach at a meeting, but if you're willing to carefully follow written instructions & outlines, it can go super well just on your own.

Rehearsing the Request List Protocol If You're Using It

💟 Pretend something your spouse says or does really bugs you or that you’ve got an issue that’s been festering and you’re just dying to unload.

💟 Physically get up from where you are and discreetly walk over to your phone or notebook (where you keep your "Request List").

💟 Jot down a tentative request related to your issues. (So tricky, aren't you? He or she will probably just think you're texting someone. But if questioned just say, "I'm protecting my love for you. It's so fun. Thanks for asking" or "just taking a little note so I can continue to walk the path of peace. Thank you for supporting me in this" etc.)

💟 Be inspired as to when to approach your spouse with your issue and request i.e., “Nightly Check-In,” “Weekly Inventory”, or some other time, as inspired.

💟 Enjoy the peace in this moment. Isn't it nice to not go right to war? - to let an issue cool down before addressing it? Welcome to this new world. 😀

Separate & Prioritize Issues

Avoid overwhelming your spouse with a black hole of emotionally strung together issues, complaints and disappointments (especially historic stuff). 😓

One Issue At a Time

As inspired, prioritize your issues- bringing up just one at a time in any one sitting.

Bringing up multiple issues is like presenting a huge pile of wet leaves to your spouse. Where does one leaf end and the other begin?

To make some headway on issues (or leaves), it's essential to separate them, getting a little air around each one (a little time perhaps, and perspective), then deal with each, one at a time.

The moment you are talking about more than one issue, you risk heading into an enmeshed, impenetrable, black hole from which there is no return.

Note 1: “Issue” = a subject matter which could imply a disappointing performance or flawed character.

Note 2 - You can go on to another issue as long as you fully complete the first one, including a clear agreement.

Stay with the subject introduced at the beginning. If it goes to 2 issues, shelf the 2nd conversation until later.

Exceptional Situations

1) Coming in Warm
Sometimes, if you’ve been struggling about something, when your emotions are close to the surface it could create a window of understanding for your spouse. In other words, being hurt or even a little upset isn't always a bad time to talk. On the other hand, as we've talked about, if you're toxic or filled with judgement, this is a fire hazard for your spouse. You decide. Be wise. I call this exception, “coming in warm” (not “hot”). It’s a risk, but if you feel it, do your best to enroll your spouse, then go for it.

2) Time for Truth
Along the same line, you may experience an intuitive feeling (what some call “being moved upon”) that this moment, right now, is a good time to clearly explain a problem and suggest the remedy. Example: “Honey, when you were talking to Tyson’s teacher, you got a little defensive with her. That was embarrassing for me. I'd love it if when you’re feeling upset, you would take a minute to cool down before you speak.”

Note: There is a hugely important condition for this one. If you want your spouse to feel safe, to trust you, to feel connected with you, and if you’re going to just let it fly like this, always, always, always follow it up with encouragement and appreciation. This will keep your spouse from shame, distrust and disconnection- stuff you can’t afford.

Let’s take the above example again, with some post encouragement: “Honey, when we were talking to Tyson’s teacher, you got a little defensive with her. That was really a problem for me. If you’re feeling upset, take a minute to cool down before you speak. I know you don’t want to offend anyone. I know that about you. And I know you’re always trying to do your best in this kind of thing. I see how conscious you’re always trying to be and how far you’ve come in this area. Thank you. This was just a particularly hard moment, so thanks for letting me clear this up with you and thanks for your efforts.”

Then throw in a hug and/or kiss if he or she will accept it i.e. "Could I give you a hug and kiss to make sure you know where I’m coming from. I’d really like to do that.” (Note: This usually only works with women to men not visa versa).

Sounds like I’m painting men kind out to be hyper sensitive, easily hurt or crushed, easily discouraged doesn’t it. I am. Thanks for getting that. It's the other end of the stick in being Superman.

In any event- whether you’re doing the Request List Protocol by the book, or just letting it fly (as talked about in these exceptions), these (above) are steps to consider as they apply.

Consider a "1 Minute Rule" vs. "Request List"

If your emotional bank accounts are high with each other and/or - if you just don’t think you can do the Request List Protocol another moment 🤪, at LEAST do the “1 minute rule.”

1 Minute Rule:
When something triggers you, don’t say anything for at least 1 minute. During this time, ask your real self...

a) Is this issue or request time sensitive?

b) Would it be best to nicely make a request right now? or would it be better to put this on my request list and bring it up later (especially if there are other people around)? In other words, would this be a wee bit less loaded and therefore more effective, at a Nightly Check-In?

Even better…

c) Am I being inspired by God and/or my love and commitment to my spouse right now (to give this feedback, to bring up this issue or make this request)? or, am I inspired by my story of disappointment or distrust? Which?

Only you can answer these questions. Sometimes it makes more sense to make the request right now. Sometimes not. Be inspired. Be loving. Be committed to your spouse’s happiness, not just your need for instant relief. (Note: When a person is sick, he usually feels better after throwing up, but the person he or she threw up on usually doesn’t).

Note that operational requests (and/or requests given as if it it was the first time) i.e. "Jim would you mind keeping the door to the garage closed?" are often best as they come up, instead of Nightly Check-In.

The problem arises when your entire day is riddled with these kinds of petty requests and comments. John Gottman suggests that 4 out of 5 comments should be positive in order to create a strong emotional bank account with each other. His research on this is comprehensive and stirring. Without these odds, people usually go down hill.

Contemplate Your Request Before Making It

Whether you're using a Request List or not, always convert your issue to a brief, unloaded (no stories and history), reasonable (something he or she might actually do), affirmative (something you want him or her to do vs. not to), specific, measurable, request.

Request Reflection

After identifying your request, consider these questions before making it.

a) Is it unloaded (without a back story. Do some breakthrough work if not.)

b) Is it actionable (Is it specific)?

c) Is it affirmative (if at all possible) i.e. something to do vs. not do?

d) Is it reasonable, or is there a chance he or she will at least make a counter offer?

e) Would this issue and request be better, broken down into 2 or 3 requests I could bring up in different Weekly Inventory meetings?

f) Might it be better to not even make the request? (Does it really matter that much. And even if it does, it might be better to build up my emotional bank account with my spouse first, or even just spending more time having some fun together before making this request).

The miracle of principle based conversations &/or using a request list is forcing yourself to gather your upset, blame and distrust together, take it by the hand, and convert it to a specific request. Simply listing your accusations and stewing in your distrust, as shown above, only invites disaster.

Speak tentatively vs. judgmentally or conclusively.

The word "tentative" is featured in "Crucial Conversations" i.e.

• "It seems like…” vs. “you are always…”

• "I think the kids might really like some more time with you" vs. "You never spend any time with the kids anymore."

• "It sounded like you were saying something like ________" vs. "you said ______"

• "It seemed like you were sort of telling me what to do, at least that's how it occurred to me" vs. "You are so controlling!"

Note: These phrases may "seem" a bit wimpy. They're not. They are underscoring your admission that the world may not be as you see it. This admission is often the beginning of peace.

Imposing your view of reality
Speaking in tentative terms underscores and assists in an ever larger process of loosening your grip on "the truth." The objective world ("the truth) is not your concern in delicate conversations. How things actually are is irrelevant. Understanding how your partner sees it is everything.

😮 Objective world ("the Truth") = Nightmare, Disaster.

💜 Validating each other's subjective experience = Peace

Let Go of Being Right

“You know I’m right. This is stupid. Why don’t you just admit it? O.K. I will sit here, as long as it takes for you to admit that I’m right.”

Seeking to understand can only happen as you allow yourself the possibility of being wrong. Try this experiment. Close your eyes. Think of a subject or issue you feel very right about i.e. vaccines, Trump, Biden, household finances... anything. Now, say out loud these liberating, peace making words, "I could be wrong about this."

Open your eyes now, look around. Are you still alive? Touch different parts of your body to see if you're still in one piece. Did you implode? No! You may want to say it again, "I could be wrong about this, or about how I'm looking at this etc."- maybe a few times! It gets better as you go.

To not make someone wrong (as we've talked about) you must see what I see as the spiritual gift of being willing to let go of your need to be right.

As couples coach Natalie Clay puts it, “Not only is your spouse not wrong, you are not right. Get over that! If that's the reason you're talking, don't talk!” (paraphrased).

If you need to be right, and if you're not open to your spouse’s world, you're not headed toward understanding, or solutions- You're headed toward frustration, resentment and emotional shut down.

Let's hit this from the other end: Don't make someone wrong! You may not understand each other. You may not have a mutually acceptable agreement yet, but no one is ever wrong. This is huge, especially in connection with creating "Win-Win" solutions - (a beautiful expression coined by Dr. Stephen Covey).

There's one last wonderful gate that opens along your path of letting go of being right. It's this: being able and willing to apologize- to say these blessed words, "I'm sorry" or "I have really been getting this wrong" and/or "I can see how my way of being or looking at this has really hurt you. I'm so sorry" etc. Doesn't that sound so open and peaceful?, even just to read it!?"

Create "Win-Win" Agreements

"Almost all conflicts are agreements and/or understandings waiting to emerge." - Tod Harvey

Creating agreements (or at least an understanding of where you each are on an issue) is the self evident path to ending confusion, disappointment, distrust and disconnect. This is a profoundly simple and yet often overlooked truth. The questions at the bottom of most of our interpersonal problems are: a) "What's our agreement?" or at least b) “What’s you’re expectation or understanding?”

When it comes to the pile of dishes in the sink, what's the agreement? (or “What are your housekeeping standards?”)
When it comes to budget or financial grips, what's the agreement? (or “How are you expecting our spending to go?”)
When it comes to time together, date nights, vacations, what’s the expectation? What are our agreements?

Note that as Emil Harker points out, agreements ought be unilateral as much as possible verses basing your agreement on his or hers i.e. "I'll do this if you'll do that." No, it's "I will do this. Is there anything you'd like to agree to?"

In either case, great agreements (unilateral or group), require what Stephen Covey calls "Thinking Win-Win." This is fundamental.

And for me "Win-Win" is a larger umbrella for several amazingly important intersecting pieces of peace. Here they are:

🧭 a) Let Go of Getting Your Way

Trust is the natural outgrowth of seeking to understand. If your goal is to get your way, it doesn’t matter what he or she feels or how he or she looks at things. Just start the bulldozer and go! Hopefully you can clean up later- after getting your way. But losing trust is a hard clean up.

Throw away the keys to the bulldozer. Let go of your insistence on getting your way.

This is challenging because getting your way is evidence (for you) that you can control your world, which makes you feel safe. But this is a temporary sense of security. For in the end you will lose the very people you seek to control.

The next idea (the "Centering Questions") can be a life saver along the path of letting go of control.

🧭 b) Stay In Your Business (Live in the "5 Centering Questions.")
Staying in your business means asking and living inside the "Centering Questions." Your conversation with your spouse desperately needs these questions running in the background, which keeps you out of controllment, in your own business and moving steadily toward something that could work for both of you.

💙 What am I willing to do? …("Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers.

💙 What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.

💙 What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win win possibilities.

💙 What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment, as I'm asking this? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward even more possible solutions).

💙 What do I want? or What would I like to see happen in the end? (This is the "Perspective Question"- instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals & visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.

🧭 c) Stay In the Conversation
Be willing to peacefully talk, as long as it takes to create a solution that works for both of you. This will often mean a "3rd Alternative" (an expression that Stephen Covey noted as the most important concept of his career shortly before passing away).

This is your mantra: “I am willing to talk as long as it takes and as many times as it takes for us to both be happy with our resolve. This is my commitment!”

Success is achieved by focusing on the respective objectives and releasing your fixation on your solution. "What's another way for us to get as close as possible to what we want and/or need?"

🧭 d) Be as committed to your partner being as happy with the solution as you are.
Seems like a no brainer, but most of us would do well in checking in with ourselves on this. Ironically, putting your own needs first usually ends up with none of your needs met anyway.

🧭e) Peaceful conversation, or no conversation.
Creating "win-win" comes at a high price- patience. You may not get discover a solution even in the first 2 to 3 conversations. That's. O.K. You're getting to know each other- to understand each other and to practice patience. But make no mistake, losing your peace, or at least your respectful tone will remove any chance of win-win.

Note that the reason it's hard to end these increasingly unpeaceful conversations is that you struggle to believe that without his or her cooperation in meeting your needs, you may not survive.

But you will.

Be ready and disciplined enough to postpone a conversation that is not peaceful and mutually respectful. You can get to it later. It will still be there, but if you continue in a disrespectful relationship, your spouse may not be there.

Win-Win emerges, almost naturally in the soil of peace, respect and patience. Keep talking. Keep trusting. Keep in peace.

If either of you is in the least bit concerned about the level of mutual respect in this conversation, agree to come back to the conversation. Call a timeout for at least an hour- more if necessary- whatever you require to get back to pursuing peace vs. victory.

Speak in Bite Sized Streams

Whoever is speaking shouldn't stream more than about 1 or 2 minutes (at the most) before giving his or her partner a chance to paraphrase, validate and empathize regarding what he or she has said so far etc.

Partner B (the listener) can quickly get lost, or “flooded” as Dr. John Gottman puts it, unless Partner A (the speaker) gives his or her feelings and views in small bites.

I was watering my plant years ago. It hadn’t been watered in a while so I got a large glass and really poured it on. It couldn’t absorb it fast enough and quickly became “flooded" (which kills plants).

I noticed however, that if I would pour in just a little bit, wait, and then pour some more, it could easily take in the whole glass of water.

When you have a large volume of feelings and/or input to share, just give a little bit at a time, slowly, layer by layer.

Note that these "bite sized" pieces (or “layers”) are usually part of a longer stream of communication in which a point of view fully unfolds. The entire point of view can take up to 5 to 20 minutes to unfold, at which point the listener, validates and empathizes and if inspired (if he or she thinks it will be helpful), shares his or her point of view.

Note that if this conversation is about your partner’s poor performance or flawed character, this rule becomes 10 times as important. If it’s about a logistical or household issue (or something of that nature) and not about his or her’s flaws, this is is still a big thing but isn't earthshakingly critical.

Principle Based GUIDED Conversations

💙 Nightly Check-In

💙 Talk Cards

💙 Love Seat

💜 A deeper view of "Managing Outgoing"