Loveseat

Outline Form (for Experts) vs. the Complete Version Below 

1) Preparation

2) Enrollment

3) Ownership & Headline with Empathy

4) Switching Shoes

5) Partner A shares / Partner B listens & Validates

6) Bottom Line Fears / Concerns

7) Accounting Pool

8) Identify you collusion

9) Apologies

10) Partner A makes request(s)

11) Create agreements (focusing on your part)

12) Record Agreement / Review Weekly

2) Enrollment - "Partner A" enrolls partner B 

“There’s something I need to talk about. When would be a good time for a Loveseat?” 

Extra Notes:
a) Most Loveseats occur during Weekly Inventory, so you already have a space provided for it.  

b) You can initiate a "Love Seat" non verbally by writing "Could you let me know when a good time for a Loveseat is?" on a post-it and placing it on the kitchen counter, bathroom mirror, or handing it to spouse (Optional: Include flowers or cookies).

If your partner says "What's it about?" you could tell him or her, but this usually doesn't work out. It's better to say, "If it's O.K. I think I'd rather tell you once we sit down and take some time to talk” and/or “If this isn’t a good time we can come back to this. When would be a good time?”

3) Partner A - “Ownership” & "Headline with Empathy" (A tool from Emil Harker). 

• Please read this: “This is about me. It’s about my insecurities, my defensiveness, my self-doubt and dependency. My upset is always about me. It’s about me trying to piece together a sense of security and confidence and a deeper connection to you. Thank you for helping me.”   

• "What I wanted to talk about is  ___________ (Example: "not enough 'us' time")

• “I realize that from your side of this, it's possible that _________________" (Example: “you’re overwhelmed and/or committed to trying to provide for us” etc. whatever comes to you. Dig in deep to get on his or her side of the court.) "

Note: Before getting any further, do Step 4, below.

4) Switching Shoes - Partner B gets In Partner A's Shoes

Partner B, Please consider any or all of these:

😓 "My best guess as to what you're feeling (or what you've been feeling) is __"

😓 "My guess is that it makes you a little crazy that I __"

😓 "My best guess is that what you would love for me to do or do more of is __"

Partner A is encouraging (without commentary or conversation) i.e.

😀 "Thank you.  Yes, that's really close to how I'm feeling" or

😀 "Thank you so much for really trying to get how I feel. I'll explain more but for now, thank you."

Helpful Tips for Sharing & Listening (Please read this before the next step)

Person Sharing (Tips)

• Speak tentatively vs. judgmentally or conclusively i.e. "When you were sitting outside yesterday, it seemed like you were mad at me. You may not have been. But this is what I was experiencing inside my head.” etc.

• Focus on one issue in this conversation.

• Give a brief description of what happened (or happens, or what was said etc.) and remain open to the possibility that you've misunderstood something.

• Focus on your feelings vs. your spouses poor performance or character weakness.

• Consider your spouses efforts to hear you as good enough! (He or she gets an "A", no matter what). 

Person Listening (Tips)

• Stay with the conversation vs. retreating to a victim or helpless story. i.e. “O.K. You’re right. I’m an idiot. I always will be. Why do I even try?"

• Don’t make your partner wrong. Validate his or her experience or feelings, whether you agree or not. (You’ll have a turn to clarify and/or share your perspective, but when listening and validating, listen and validate). 

5) Partner A shares / Partner B listens & validates - (About 10 to 20 minutes)
Either can request or offer clarification- but only as inspired. 🙏

Partner A shares 

• “When you _________ (description), where I or go with it (or went with it) is that I feel (or felt)** ________."  and/or... 

• "It seems (or seemed) like ________" (What happened from your view? and where did you go with it?) 
  "Where I go with this is ___ (or went with that was) that I feel (or felt) ________"   Note: If you don't know what you feel, pick 2 or 3 options from the options below.  and/or...
  • abandoned • cornered  • I can’t win  • I don’t feel safe  • useless • controlled • incapable  • helpless • insecure • overwhelmed • forgotten  • forsaken  • discouraged  • powerless  •  despair • lost  • afraid  • untrusted • I’m not good enough • anxious  • grief or grieved  • anguish • panicked  •  rejected  •  desperate • like I’m nothing 
  and/or...

• "Another time I felt like this was _____" or "This reminds me of _____ (an event or time in your life) when I felt _____" or...  

• "I’m uncomfortable with ____" or​ "It’s getting hard for me that (or “to”) ____."​ 

Partner B Listens  - possibilities phrases 

💚 "Mm-hmm" (or, just listen)
💚 "What I hear you saying is _______.”
💚 "Have I got it?" 
💚 "That makes sense", or "It makes sense that you would feel ____"
💚 "Tell me more about ______" or
💚 "Is there more?" (be ready to go down another rabbit hole)
💚 "Tell me more about _____" (fill in this blank with some specific words your spouse used).
💚 "How deep does this hurt, from 1 to 10?"
💚 "I think I get it. I really hurts that____." 

6) Bottom line fears / concerns

Without implicating your spouses poor performance or character flaws, describe your inner fears (where it all lands for you), by completing this sentence (Partner A, then B). 

“In connection with this issue, what I’m afraid of is  ____________________."  Examples: "...that I will never fully be loved", "that we're letting down our kids", "that we're going to lose our home", "that I'll never be close to my you or our family", "that I'll die devastated and alone", "that I’ll never be good enough" etc.  (If inspired, repeat this sentence completion up to 2 more times, with the same or other “bottom line” fears.)

Please do not respond to what your partner says here, other than “I understand. Thank you for sharing this.”

7) Accounting Pool

Partner A and B, does “Accounting Pool” below to stir a greater understanding of some of the ways you have been co-creating what you’ve been experiencing.  

Starting with Partner A, ping pong style- choosing from these 3 sentence starters and/or Helpful Possibilities below.

Go until both partners feel complete. After first partner says “I'm complete with this” the other partner either says “I'm complete also” or, keep going, until both have said  “I'm complete with this” (or 7 minutes- whichever comes first).

• "How I created this was ____."  (see below if nothing comes to you) and/or

• "How I'm created this is ____."   

• "What I've contributed to this is (or was) ____."  (see below if nothing comes to you) and/or

• "My experience of myself in all of this is ____." (see below if nothing comes to you)
   

Helpful possibilities

1. I've been self absorbed.  

2. I've been insensitive.  

3. I've been impatient.  

4. I've been careless.

5. I’ve been controlling.

6. I failed to share my feelings of hurt or vulnerability with you & emotionally withdrew.

7. I’ve been blaming you for my failures and/or I’ve been blaming you for our failures.

8. I’ve been blaming you for my unhappiness.  

9. I’ve been blaming you for everything.

10. I’ve been pointing my frustrations, fears and unhappiness at you.

11. I failed to create peaceful communication & instead, ambushed, blamed & open fired.

12. I allowed myself to continue to feel uncomfortable with __________.

13. I've expected you to be different than you are (or to be more like me) and failed to fully grasp how wonderful you are- just as you are. 

14. I made you wrong and didn’t (or wouldn’t) understand and validate your feelings.

15. In my unwillingness to make sure things work for me too, I have built up resentment.

16. I’ve wanted your approval (and/or peace) more than I wanted my own self respect.

17. I've not been appreciative for you and what you do. I’ve taken you for granted.

18. I’ve been committed to my story about how you’ve wronged me or not appreciated me.

19. I've convinced myself that you care more about yourself than me and disconnected from you.

20. I’ve been undisciplined in my own personal life, which has put me in a bad mood.

21. I've been inconsistent about doing the things that keep a good feeling between us.

22. Instead of letting you know how proud I am of you, I’ve given you my disappointment.

23. I have failed to put you first, take care of your needs & do my best to make you happy.

24. I’ve been wanting you to see the error of your ways and to apologize to *me*.

25. I haven’t been clear in what I need from you or encouraging when you try to give it.

26. Through my lack of boundaries, I’ve supported behavior that doesn’t work for me.

27. I have viewed you as the source of my feelings of abandonment &/or of not feeling like I’m *enough*.

28. I’ve set you up to prove what I’m most afraid of- that in the end, I will not be loved.

29. I’ve pushed you into abandoning me, or to concluding that I’ve abandoned you.

30. I’m creating enmity through my labels, judgments & stories about you (and others).

🍊 Note: You can repeat anything that carries more weight- meaning some statements feel "juicier" than others. You may want to repeat these in to extract even more accountability juice from them.

8) Collusion, or "Death Dance" (also Known as the "Perfect Storm.") 

Each take turns, describing your typical downward spiral when it comes to this issue. You may want to jot down your version of the collusion first, or you can just hit the ground running and each take a whack at it. Note: You can start anywhere:  

• The more you ____, the more I ____ and/or

• The more you ____, the less I ____ and/or

• The more I ____, the ________ and/or

• The less I ____, the more you____ and/or

• The less I ____, the less you____  etc.

or,

• When you _______ I tend to think or feel _______

• which makes me act out by _______

• which makes you feel ______ or act ______ etc. 

To the best of your ability, use objective, non-judgmental descriptions i.e.

Example:

• The more you time you spend in your office at home, the more ignored I feel.

• The more ignored I feel, the more I tend to see you as not caring.

• The more I see you as not caring, the more I treat you disrespectfully.

• The more I treat you disrespectfully, the less desire you have to come out of your office.

• The less you come out of your office, the more angry I become and the more disrespectfully I treat you. 

Synthesizing both versions of your dance, co-author a brief description of your collusion- a description that works for both of you- taking extra care to focus on how you have both, co-created what you've been experiencing. 

Both Emil Harker and Tony Overbay (my two favorite therapists), suggest advantages to letting the understanding you've just experienced sink in for a day or two before seeking solutions (in the next step below).

Waiting to find a solution tends to train your mind and heart toward love and understanding vs. hearing someone out just to then finally try and get your way. Hence, putting a 1 to 3 day break here before going on can be healing. Rest easy for a while in the understanding you've achieved in this "Love Seat" so far.

I mention "fork in the road" here because dividing up this meeting isn't a rule in stone. If you're feeling warm and trusting inside, and confident about brainstorming for solutions (below), go for it. But be honest with yourself. A nice 2 day cruise in the ocean of love and understanding might make the 2nd half of this meeting so much more effective. You decide.

10) Partner A, Makes 1 Or 2 “U.S.A.” Requests

Unloaded - If you’re still too deep inside your story of victim, distrust or disappointment, stop here and go back to the accounting pool and/or breakthrough.  Come back to your request later, when it’s not so loaded.

Specific  e.g. "Would you be willing to sign up for 2 more months of coaching with John?" vs. "I just want you to try harder." 

Affirmative  if possible e.g. "Would you be willing to talk about my Mother only with me vs. family or friends?"

Partner B, if Inspired, offers a “Please Help Me”.

Note that Partner B’s “Please Help Me” is also his or her’s U.S.A request for this Loveseat conversation

Examples: 

1) “Honey, for sure, from now on I will start taking out the trash every week. Could I ask one thing of you that would make this easier for me?” [wait for answer]. “Would you make sure you don’t park your car where the trash goes?" or...  

2) “If I interrupt you could you please just calmly say, 'Honey, I'd like to finish what I'm saying.'  This would really help me." etc.

11) Create Or Clarify Agreement(s) 

If Partner A's request wasn't met in the affirmative, Partner A explores options i.e. “What would you be willing to do?” or "Here's what would work for me. How about you?" etc. 

Tips for Creating Respectful, Synergistic Agreements 

a) Allow Partner A to lead.

b) Most importantly, no one is ever wrong! Keep the conversation going until both feel good about a solution (or are at least go with it.

c) Think out side of the a or b box. Seek 3rd alternatives by focusing on what you each need vs. getting hung up on a specific way of supplying this need.

d) As you seek solutions, consider the "5 Centering Questions."
1) What am I willing to do?  
2) What am I not willing to do?
3) What do I think would be best?
4) What am I not seeing?
5) What do I want?  (What would I like to see happen, in the end?)

e) Take a recess if necessary.  You’ve made huge progress.  Don’t wear each other out! 

f) If you’re not making progress, do some more breakthrough work and/or make an appointment with your coach.

g) Set Your Agreement Up for Success
Remove the blocks to what you need from your spouse. Set your agreement up for a success vs. unconsciously testing your spouse’s love and commitment to you. For instance, if you’d like an agreement on your wife greeting your with a hug and kiss when you come home at night, agree to go and find her, rather than expect her to be standing at the door.  Read more about this from Dr. John Lund in the notes section at the bottom of document.

h) If Applicable and Inspired, Explain Boundaries (Consequences), going forward, and/or a Request Restitution.
The 5 questions, can sometimes lead to explaining how close your spouse is to the edge of a cliff i.e. “Betty, if you have lunch with Barry again, I don’t know what else to do other than consider that you may not be serious about our relationship, which might mean a separation for a while.”

The Centering Questions (above) may also inspire a request for restitution (a show of good faith that will increase your trust in your spouse’s sincerity) i.e. a 30 minute foot rub, weekend trip to the lake, favorite meal, or both i.e. “Honey, if you don’t start coming home before 8PM, I may need to got to a movie with some friends, just to take my mind off of it” or “Honey, I hope you don’t mind, but if you keep coming home late, I’m going to need something to offset how bad I feel about it. Some new shoes every time you come home late would be perfect (either you can take me shopping or I’ll just go myself).”

12) Record Your Agreements with the Emphasis On You 

Even though most agreements involve both of you, Emil Harker strongly suggests settling your part of the agreement deep in your soul. In this, guide yourself away from Quid Pro Quo sort of thinking i.e. "If you do this, I'll do that."

Agreements are much more fail safe as independent agreements vs. a deal.  What you are agreeing to do regardless of what you partner commits to!?

Take a minute to record what you are agreeing to do, for example:

• I’m going to work breakthrough before coming with an issue.

• If I feel upset with a request you’re making, I’m going to ask clarifying questions.

• I will text you or call you for you mutual consent on spending more than $___.

Love Seat - Extra Notes (These are awesome notes!)