CGPS - 🙏 Centering Questions

The "Centering Questions,"
Positivity Map & "What Can I Bring?"

Intimate relationships foster an inclination to get into your spouse's business (his or her choices) vs. your own. The reason for this is that the intensity of a marriage commitment fosters high expectations and easy disappointment.

These disappointments often come in "stories" i.e. "Victim Story" (Why me? I don't deserve this), "Villian Story" (He or she is just mean & dark. I can't live with someone like this). "Hopeless story" (He or she will never change. What's the use?)

These questions are to assist you in remaining centered in your choices (not your spouses)- your commitment to act vs. react and most of all, your willingness to stay in peace. Peace comes from remaining in your business & peace cultivates discernment (leading to the the answers to the centering questions).

💙 1) What am I willing to do? …("Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers. Question 1 assumes endless possibilities- all under the heading of "What can I bring to this?" (See complete list toward the bottom of this page).

💙 2) What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.

💙 3) What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win win possibilities.

💙 4) What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment? Am I missing a bigger picture? Are the possibilities I'm seeking in this situation even realistic? Is there another way to reach the objective? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward possible solutions).

💙 5) What would I like to see happen? (This is the "Perspective Question" - instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.

😇 Note: Asking these questions will only deliver the right answers for you, if you are right- if you are not steeped in fight or flight, closed mindedness, controllment or blame. The more balanced, forgiving and calm you are, the greater your chances are of coming up with inspired answers. Click here for more on getting clear.

Examples of Answers to the "Centering Questions" - (Often, just in your own mind, but sometimes part of your conversation).

I'm willing to hear your feelings- your experience and your fears.
I'm not willing to hear what you feel is “the truth” about me (or anything that feels like an accusation).
I am willing to consistently come back to peaceful conversations, using "Talk Cards" or "Love Seat."
If I'm uncomfortable with what feels like criticism, I will try to get to the bottom of what you're feeling and invite you to hear my feelings too (using "Talk Cards").
I'm not willing to talk through sensitive issues without some kind of guided conversation like "Talk Cards" or if you pursue a conversation that feels turbulent to me, I'll say something like, "I'm not feeling at peace enough to really be much good in this conversation" and/or "I'm going to get some time out. I'll be back in a while" and/or "I'm going to get some time out. Could we come back to this in 20 minutes with "Talk Cards."
I'm not willing for there to be pornography in our lives, at anytime. If you've struggled at all with it, I think what's best for everyone is some extensive marriage therapy and your commitment to weekly 12 Step meetings.
I think what I'm not seeing is just how deeply you want to be closer to me.
I would love to see us do whatever it takes to be as intimate as we can in every way. What I want is to succeed in mastering the principles that lead to a happy marriage.

5 "Out of Body" Questions
...meaning, a focus on your spouse's choices, versus yours- an attempt to "guide" him toward your plan for his or her life. The problem is, when you move from your focus on your choices, to a focus on his or hers, you're effectively leaving your body and life, and trying to take over his or hers.

🖤 1) What should my spouse be willing to do?

🖤 2) What should my spouse stop doing? or, In what ways should my spouse change his or her thinking, values or choices?

🖤 3) How can I get my spouse to see what's in everyone's best interest?

🖤 4) What's keeping my spouse from "the truth" & how can I help him or her to see that I'm right and that he or she is misguided?

🖤 5) What should my spouse want to see happen and how can get him or her to see things my way? (and really, just why isn't my spouse me? or put more politely, What in the h__ is wrong with my spouse?!)

The 6th "Centering Question"
...augments the power of these questions toward a more comprehensive approach of "taking every negative thought, prisoner." (2 Corinthians 10:5) - not just powerless or bitter feelings, but all negative feelings. This is accomplished by adding a the 6th question into a 2 sided "Positivity Map." With this map, you can, as Paul says, bring any and all negative thoughts into peace- down the left and/or right side of the map. Here's the question. "What good could come from this?"

Instructions:

Every time you can catch yourself thinking any negative thought, take it "captive"- then lead down one or both sides of the map. You may only be drawn to 1 or 2 questions, but you could end up asking yourself all 6. You decide.

What Could I Bring? (Part of Question 1) "What Am I Willing to Do?")

I could bring ____________ (How? In what way?)

Allowance or unconditional acceptance
Gratitude
Validation
Encouragement
Compassion
Connection
Love
Forgiveness
Excellence
Service
Enrollment (or invitation to _________ )
Trust
Hope
Faith
Wisdom
Fun
Time &/or Patience
Extraordinary self-discipline or self mastery
Emotional Independence
Flexibility or willing to change
Communication (willing to have a conversation)
Physical touch or affection
Open minded
Endurance
Passion